TOP 10 FANTASY FOOTBALL LIVE DRAFT INTIMIDATION TACTICS

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

Greetings, Epic Readers. As the carnie from Five Tool Tool, I'm here to help you embrace your Inner Tool, and make him more effective.

Since it's required by site law that you be way too into fantasy football (what, you didn't read the User Agreement? Wow, you're brave...) we'll start the lesson with some game plans for your upcoming fantasy football draft.

For the record, we've tried all of these... in the same draft. We're not, you know, liked, or stable.

10. The Stare Down. It's simple: pretend you're about a foot and a hundred pounds bigger than you actually are, and that the guy drafting in front of you *can* be willed into boning the pick, or into taking the guy you want him to take.

Example: "Eli. You know you want him. Come on. Pull the trigger. It's his year. First round. BE A MAN."

Advantage: Can actually work, especially if the victim is a rookie and/or hopeless homer, and you know his weaknesses.

Disadvantage: Everyone knows you're a douche, which hurts in trying to make a trade later. Also, while you're doing this, you're not thinking about your pick.

9. The Post-Pick Concern. Here, you adopt an air of sincere regret for the target, in which you drop some choice bit of knowledge that would have really helped him a few seconds ago. Please note that this knowledge does not have to be actually true.

Example: "Ballsy pick. You sure the knee's all right?"

Advantage: Can be done quickly and easily. If effective, can rattle the victim into last-minute cramming for the rest of the draft, leading to a high chance of blown picks.

Disadvantage: Easily mocked if done wrong.

8. Prep Overlord. You bring a half dozen books and magazines, and a full binder full of Excel spreadsheets. Whether or not you've actually read any of them is beyond the point, of course.

Example: "These? Oh, that's just what I brought. There's a lot more at home."

Advantage: Fairly effortless, occasionally effective.

Disadvantage: Earns you secret nicknames from other owners, and special ire if your team tanks.

7. Mr. Nonchalant. This tactic involves making yourself at home, perhaps with beer, porno magazines, a cell phone, the television, anything. Just be sure not to look like you are paying any attention to the draft, because that would involve being, you know, actually worried about who these other clowns are taking. (Note the reference to the word clowns, to show that we're down with the blog's theme.)

Example: "Is it the third round already? Damn, I forget all about picks when the chick can do that with her tongue. (Show magazine) I mean, seriously -- you think that's real? She's got to be some kind of gymnast or something. Oh, and give me Willis McGahee."

Advantage: Usually a good time. Also makes other owners underestimate you in trade talks, and also could help you destroy someone else's draft who likes the idea of, you know, having a good time.

Disadvantage: Hard to pull off without actually wrecking your draft. Usually not terribly intimidating.

6. The Full Monte. Here, you take every second allotted before every pick. It's especially effective if the rest of the league is drafting quickly, and you don't look like you're actually sweating out a decision.

Sample: "Oh, that bothers you? I guess you should read the rules on how long we've got to pick. Or are you too fast on the draw in everything?"

Advantage: Can infuriate groups of owners into quick-drawing and blowing picks. Besides, a little outright hostility can spice up a dull draft.

Disadvantage: Forget trades. You might also have to throw down later.

5. The Michael Corleone. You dress better than everyone else in the draft. You're mostly silent, surveying the others like a shark. You bring a silent, Tom Hagan-esque consigliere, who you tear into with unwarranted and sudden bouts of profanity and/or physical abuse. And at the end of the draft, you close the door, slowly, on whoever attempts to talk trade or be social.

Sample: "BITCH! YOU WON'T TAKE MY QUARTERBACK!"

Advantage: For most fantasy players, playing an amoral, heartless bastard is like breathing.

Disadvantage: In a world of Sonnys and Fredos, Michael tends to not get noticed.

4. The Constant Trader. You're making deal proposals before players are even selected. You've got side conversations with three different owners at once. And, with any luck, you're completely confusing at least one competitor, and maybe others, into completely tanking their draft.

Sample: "Hey, you got a second? I wanted to talk to you... about something."

Advantage: Stunningly effective, when done correctly. Rookies and other wheeler-dealers are especially prone to this attack.

Disadvantage: It's like that line from "Rounders"... if you can't spot the sucker, it's you. And when you wake up with six running backs on your roster and disappearing trade leverage, the only one you can really blame is that moron in the mirror.

3. Chick and a Dick. The ways in which a female owner can intimidate males in live fantasy drafts are so numerous, it's amazing that they don't win every league they are in.

Whether it's the come-hither play where favors are hinted at in return for bypassing a certain player, or the withering cock removal trash talk abuse when you take the player she wanted... let's face it, they've got weapons that men could never dream of.

Sample: (Making meaningful eye contact) "Hey, I really want to draft Hines Ward with my pick. He's my Dad's favorite player, and Dad's... well, he's not well, you know. Could you do me a big favor and not take him, please?"

Advantage: Off the charts. You're dynamite. Especially if you've got tits.

Disadvantage: You'll be hated, and being a girl, you're much more likely to care.

2. The Once And Future King. This one only works if you've won the previous year and enjoy rubbing it in. Your goal will be to remind every competitor about last year at every opportunity, including every individual pick of someone from last year's team. Bonus points if you can pull off talking in the third person for the entire draft.

Sample: "Drew Brees. Nice pick. He was a big key in last year's championship, especially after we drafted him in the 6th round."

Advantage: How many chances in life do you get to talk like a pro wrestler? Go for it. Besides, the guy that you beat last year in the championship round will spend the entire draft punching himself.

Disadvantage: This approach can lead to nostalgia reach picks, just for the sake of comedy.

1. Mr. Mute. It's almost like it's an auto-draft for you, as you speak to no one, drink or eat nothing, and stare down your draft prep like a Wall Street trader whose life depends on the next trade. The Mute usually goes off a single list that's been massaged for weeks.

Sample: "Nothing for me, thanks."

Advantage: If your league is filled with people who are playing games on each other, you'll put your team in a position to win by keeping an eerie focus.

Disadvantage: Not really intimidating; you're about as much fun as the wallpaper. Requires the most actual draft preparation, to the point that you will also take your notes with you to the bathroom, for fear of losing your advantage. If/when you lose, you'll only ramp up the draft prep next year.

If I'm missed any, please post in the comments. Unless, of course, this blows your whole strategy for your upcoming draft. (Like you're not the Mute.)

(Originally posted on 7/16/07, but we thought it was still relevant for this year too!)