TOP 10 SENSELESS ACTS OF VIOLENCE I'D LIKE TO PERPETUATE ON AARON HARANG

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

Today in Cincinnati, Reds starting pitcher Aaron Harang continued his single minded quest to destroy my fantasy team and sanity in an 13-4 loss to the Astros. In the process, he gave up 8 earned runs with 9 hits, including home runs to noted Mantle-like players like Lance Berkman (OK, it happens), Geoff Blum (WTF?) and Michael Bourn (is he even still in the freaking league?). Hell, Humberto Quintero almost took him deep, and he's barely over the Mendoza Line.

In a better world, what would await Harang for his 127 innings of 5.17 ERA and whopping three wins?

10. Send him back to Oakland, which is somehow even worse than the Reds these days

9. Nineteen lashes with a Singapore cane, to match the number of dollars that I paid for him at auction

8. 23 minutes of waterboarding, to match the number of home runs given so far this year (and counting)

7. Three Glasgow smiles, to match the times he's actually made me happy this year with wins

6. A session with restraints and rats, just to see if it's any different than a meeting with Dusty Baker

5. Tooth extraction, more for cosmetic reasons than anything else (what, he's going to look worse?)

4. Tarring and feathering at the hands of Edinson Volquez, who as the real ace of the staff, can do more or less whatever he wants to him

3. Ta'liq (hanging from a metal bar) session for the entire length of his last start, to simulate the feelings I had in watching it

2. Stappado (hanging with the arms behind the back), because it's not like he can pitch any worse, really

1. Sexual assault, because, dammit, that's the American way