GUARD YOUR GRILL, HOMEBOY

by Tracer Bullet, Staff Writer

This is not about sports in any sense of the term. However, as most of the writers and visitors to this site have penises, I felt it was an important public service announcement.

A 61-year-old Kentucky man went to the hospital for a circumcision and woke up to learn his doctor, perhaps a graduate of Bob's Bait Shop and University of Medicine, got a little over-excited with the scalpel and had lopped his wiener off.

Umm, shriek.

Bad enough to need a circumcision at 61 (can we say "procrastination?"), but to wake up without your Magic Johnson? Well, words just can't do justice to that.

How does a doctor even begin that conversation? "Don't think about it like we cut off your dick; think of it as a really aggressive circumcision" or maybe "Most women don't orgasm from vaginal penetration, instead preferring manual, or especially oral stimulation, so you really didn't lose anything important."

Now, the story did say the doctor suspected the man had penile cancer (bet you didn't know that was out there waiting to ruin your life, didja?) and turned out to be right. On the other hand, cancer can be treated with radiation and/or chemotherapy and, while these therapies have side effects and drawbacks, none of those side effects include "loss of man-root."

In what might be the most justified legal action in all of recorded history, the man and his wife have sued the doctor. The story neglected to mention whether or not the man had his wedding equipment reattached, which, for me, would take precedence over a lawsuit. To paraphrase Freewheelin' Franklin: Schlong will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no schlong. Some things are just more valuable than cash.