LIONS AND TIGERS AND THE BEARS ARE CRAP

by Tracer Bullet, Staff Writer

Because Shooter, the lil'est Carnie, will keep banging his wee fists on my door at Manse EC and preventing me from enjoying the latest offering offering from the Exotic Hooker of the Month Club (This Month: Incestuous Irish), I'm going to finish this Chicago Bears preview I stupidly agreed to do. The lesson here? Never agree to anything while watching a double-jointed mother-daughter team from County Cork.

The Bears are the same team they've been for the entire decade: Great defense, unspeakable offense. So long as defenders, especially DT Tommie Harris, stay healthy, they've got a puncher's chance every week. A weak puncher with lousy reflexes and a glass jaw, but a puncher's chance.

Really, I'd like to end this preview here. It's better for all parties involved to simply ignore the Bears' offense. Pretend it isn't there, hope the defense and special teams can score enough points and enjoy a kielbasa.

But, the special teams may not be as special. All-world returner Devin Hester is supposedly the #1 receiver after the Bears top two receivers from last year left for greener pastures. Hester is incredible with the ball in his hands and it makes sense for the Bears to get him as many touches as possible, but he was drafted as a CB because he failed as a receiver at Miami. He was a lousy cornerback and it's hard to believe he'll be more successful as a receiver in the NFL than he was in college. As he's probably most valuable as a return man, expecting him to also serve as the #1 WR may wind up hurting both the offense and the special teams.

Of course, it probably doesn't matter whether Hester plays receiver because unless he's taking the snap from center, the Bears don't have anybody who can get him the ball with any consistency. Cheering the hearts of neckbeard wearers everywhere, Kyle Orton was less terrible than Rex Grossman. This is a net loss for football fans because Orton fails in much duller ways than the Sex Cannon.

On the other hand, not playing leaves Sexy Rexy more time for the chicks. Rex loves the ladies and the ladies love Rex.

Hey, Lovie Smith and Jerry Angelo, you've got two terrible quarterbacks. You think maybe you want to give Dante Culpepper a call? Chris Simms? Surely there's some heretofore unheard of Detmer brother who can suck less aggressively than these two.

The offensive line is a mess and the projected starter at LT, first-round pick Chris Williams, has to undergo surgery for a herniated disk in his back. There is some disagreement as to whether the Bears knew about the injury prior to the draft, but suffice to say that "back surgery" are two of the last words a 312-pound man wants to hear. Also on the list: low fat, sugar-free and buffet closed.

In 2007, they traded Thomas Jones, their best running back, and kept the far inferior Cedric "Merman" Benson. Benson got cut this summer after a couple of drunken incidents, which seems a silly reason for the Bears to cut anyone. You'd drink too if you played in this offense.

Rookie Matt Forte, from that noted football powerhouse of Tulane, is now the starter at running back and he's evidently been something less than the second coming of Purple Jesus. But as the only other option is the other Adrian Peterson, it's Forte's job. Yippee.

Jesus, this is depressing. That's it, Shooter. I refuse to think about the Bears any longer. Stay away from my door while Siobhan and Sorcha do their thing with a six-pack of butter-flavored Crisco and a rolling pin or I'm going to put all your cookies on the second shelf where you can't get them.