PENITENTIARY STATE NITTANY LIONS

by Moondog, The World According to Moondog

Penn State head coach Joe Paterno suspended Maurice Evans, Abe Koroma, and Andrew Quarless for the Nittany Lions home game against Oregon State this past Saturday after they were arrested when marijuana was found in their dorm room.

In what has become a horde of Nittany Lions players running afoul of the law, the school announced an immediate stadium renovation.

In the bowels of Beaver Stadium, home of the Nittany Lions, university officials have ordered a holding cell to be built to house inmates/football players. The architectural firm of Bronson, Usted, Smith, Towns, Ecker and Davis (BUSTED) were contracted to design the holding cell.

Dimensions of the holding cell were not immediately known, though state correctional officials consulted with BUSTED to ensure large football players could be accommodated.

PSU officials praised the addition of the holding cell, citing the ability to immediately incarcerate offending players.

BUSTED has also been contracted to design a self gratification-free library after last year's incident involving former PSU basketball player Stanley Pringle who was allegedly masturbating in the school’s library.

Pringle claimed he was merely "scratching" his genital area although witnesses claim there was a substantial amount of "tugging, pulling, gyrating and heavy breathing" coming from the general direction where Pringle was seated.

Initial efforts to minimize masturbation in the school's library met with little success. Immediately after the Pringle incident, "Quiet" signs were revised to read "No Masturbating," especially where public computers were in use, usually for students seeking pornographic material.

Library manager Bertha Humpgooder also noted web sites like On 205th would no longer be viewable to minimize the opportunity for students potentially engaging in manual satisfaction.