THANKS FOR JARED ALLEN: THE 2008 KANSAS CITY CHIEFS

by Neate Sager, Out Of Left Field

(Editor's note: Neate is Canadian. That's why he misspells offense and defense. He does it on purpose to annoy us Yankees. Stop emailing. Thanks.)

Writing the Chiefs preview is like being the guy at the office who always puts his name down to bring napkins to a potluck dinner.

Someone's gotta do it, right? It wouldn't do for you to be walking around for the rest of the afternoon with bits of Monte from Accounting's 5-Alarm Chili and the lasagna brought by sneaky-hot Laura from Payroll on your lips. People would be laughing at you as you passed by, kind of like everyone is laughing at Kansas City, which is starting Brodie freaking Croyle at quarterback while Daunte Culpepper, four years removed from a 4,700-yard passing season, sits by his computer waiting for some general manager to e-mail him.

The Chiefs, by every conceivable measure, are on a road to nowhere. You know it's bad when ESPN.com's season preview misspells Branden Albert's (it was spelled Brandon) and Glenn Dorsey's (Glen) names. At least Tony Gonzalez is still there.

Good god, Tony Gonzalez is still there.

Pass offence
Contrary to what people are saying, Brodie Croyle is a franchise quarterback. Unfortunately for the Chiefs, that franchise is a Denny's.

Dwayne Bowe could at least be a fantasy sleeper, because really, who else on this offence can catch the ball? Albert is going to be a good left tackle, some day.

Tony Gonzalez is closing on becoming the most prolific tight end in NFL history. And if you're coming to Epic Carnival to read that, man, you must not disappoint easily. We're more about the funny, hopefully.

Run offence
Larry Johnson is detoriorating at about the same rate as the blocking group in front of him. An aging feature back and a sketchy O-line; one of them you might be able to live with, but not both.

Pass defence
The Chiefs had their first Pro Bowl defender in nine seasons last year, sackmeister Jared Allen, and they traded him to the Minnesota Vikings (my Minnesota Vikings; wanna fight about it?). They were a mediocre 21st in average yards-per-pass allowed (don't be fooled by the fact they only allowed 189 yards per game; opponents don't have to throw much to build a big lead against K.C.).

The coverage could get better if the Chiefs do end working out a trade with the Philadelphia Eagles for Lito Sheppard. As it stands, their three cornerbacks include rookies Brandon Flowers and Brandon Carr. Veteran Patrick Surtain is over 30, so he's not long for Arrowhead Stadium.

Run defence
At least Glenn Dorsey is going to get a chance to shine in the interior of the D-line, although good luck competing for Defensive Rookie of the Year in the AFC on a team that's a mortal lock for a double-digit loss total and will be in the bottom third of the league defensively.

Special teams
Kansas City's long snapper, J.P. Darche, is French-Canadian, and his brother plays in the NFL. He's one of only a handful of Canadians in the NFL who actually played his college football in Canada, at McGill in Montreal, where he captained the football team at the same time his brother captained the hockey team.

Nick Novak is way too cool-sounding a name for a kicker, but he put Jay Feely out of work, so he's got that goin' for him, which is nice.

Coaching
Herm, Herm, Herm ... (Herm Edwards opens mouth to speak; muscled henchman wags finger at him suggesting it would be a bad idea) Herm, Herm, Herm ... bet you wish you hadn't leveraged a way into a better coaching job a few years ago and got stuck with this team, although you might be able to ride it out long enough to be around for the resurgence.

It could be a long year in Kansas City. Jason Whitlock is already licking his lips in anticipation of the Chiefs bottoming out spectacularly and landing Ball State quarterback Nate Davis with a high draft choice. He might get his wish.