Top 10 possible NFL innovations

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

Sure, the NFL is great. But it could be made better. Here are some ways to take the league up a notch.

10. Upgrade the kicking tee.

Nearly every other aspect of the NFL has changed in the recent past -- the ball, the padding, the plays, the rules, etc. Only one thing has remained constant -- that flimsy little kicking tee that can't do the job in a stiff (any?) breeze. So we all get to wait and watch to see if the ball blows off (oooh! exciting!), and then if it happens twice, have some cover guy come in and put his finger on the ball like a five year old.

Why can't we just use the kind that they practice with on the sideline, the one with the little plastic doohicky to keep it steady, all the time?

Hell, it's even one more place to sell an ad. And if kickers complain about it, we get to tell them to shut the hell up, since they are kickers, and kickers suck.

9. Laser line.

As any number of analysts feel compelled to tell me, the players can't see that yellow first down line.

Um, why not?

If the people at the mall can make it happen, the NFL should be able to get it done. Give us some frickin' lasers!

8. Higher crossbars.

How often do you see a kicker miss because it's short? It's almost always wide left or wide right; the height variable almost never comes into play. Besides, fewer field goal attempts = more actual football. (Finally, see reason #10.)

7. Man Off flags.

It's third and forever. Your defense makes the play... but what's this? Someone has dared to commit the unpardonable sin of holding. For a miserable little five yard penalty, the opponent keeps the ball, and gets to work against a deflated team that's probably figuring out how to make a hit on the ref look like an accident. Lame.

I'm not advocating fewer penalties, or the legalization of holding; I'm just tired of flags providing a complete bailout. Instead, give the offense the option of the five yards or another play from the same line of scrimmage -- only this time, they get to face a defense that's missing a player. (And if there's another flag on the next play, they miss two. Etc.)

Oh, and do the same thing when the offense gets called for a penalty, too. See how fast you lose false start flags all around the league... and, of course, offsetting penalties simply means both teams play 10 on 10 for the next play. Tell me this wouldn't add a lot more to the game than watching refs walk off yardage.

6. Expert announcer feeds.

If networks can give me the game in HD and Des Portes, why the hell can't it give it to me with a back-up, frills-free expert-only team?

Make it happen, people. Either give me the option to pay to avoid Tony Kornheiser, or I'll take the option to pay someone so we can all avoid Tony Kornheiser. The bidding starts at...

5. No kickoff ads.

Want to take a good, well played and paced game and turn it into a slopfest? The NFL sure does, because it rarely misses a chance to go touchdown, ads, kickoff, ads. I'd rather have screen takeovers with ads during huddles than the ten minute suckfest that they give us now. There's better ways to get money from advertisers, you greedbuckets.

4. Rogue cheerleaders.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again; cheerleaders are nice and all, but there's just no drama to the spectacle. If a small percentage of the team -- preferably the ones that can execute a convincing snarl and/or take a chair shot -- can expose themselves as naughty, naughty traitors to the cause that must be soundly punished for their misdeeds... well, I think we're all winners here, really. (Bonus points for anyone that can credibly imitate Jessica Simpson when their team plays the Cowboys, especially if she doesn't mind working with handcuffs and humiliation.)

3. Booth wheel out.

The worst minutes of any NFL game is when the referee has to go play peep shot for an instant replay review. Assuming that we can't just go back to the world before replay, why is that station not wireless and mobile? When your team drops the red challenge flag, it should have some lackeys hauling ass with that monitors on a trolley, so that Mr. Stripey Shirt can get to business faster. Dammit, we're gambling on these games. Don't make us wait to lose money!

2. Clock stops on kneeldowns.

Look, I'm sorry, but if you can't execute a handoff and a fullback dive, you aren't good enough to run out the clock. There's a generation of people who will never, ever know the joy of Joe Pisarcik, and some more (well, really, any) drama in the end game hurts no one.

1. Upgrade the yardage situation.

Sometime when you're really, really bored, check out how inexact the chain gang is. That's because they're manned by home town yokels using decades-old technology. Again, is it so hard to break out the lasers here? I wants me some lasers!