TOP 12 MOST REGRETTABLE FOOTBALL FANS

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

12. Sports Radio Talker. His "regular gig on the radio" is a standing time when he calls into some joyless honk show. He knows his team better than he knows his family. And yet, he picks them to win and cover the spread every week, all the while swearing that he's a realist. Riiiiggghttt.

11. Alma Matters. He knows every player from his favorite school that ever made the league, and roots for them all... and also will not, for the love of God, stop pointing out every achievement of every alum. Left unsaid, or at the very least unheard: who the hell cares?

10. Fantasy Hater. Hey, I know what's never been said before... fantasy football fans are nerds! Geeks! People who love spreadsheets and will sell out their own team and mother just for bragging rights in a world that doesn't / shouldn't exist! What an incredible timewaste!

(Look, I realize that it's difficult to accept that other people -- people who might not have spent their childhood playing the game -- might know more about the NFL then you do, or that you are too scared to bet on anything. But can you at least find some new tune to sing?)

9. Single Aspect Guy. Football may seem to be a complex interaction of 22 men on every snap, but not to this guy, who can pin the whole success or failure of any unit on one player (usually the quarterback on offense and whatever unlucky DB happens to be in the picture on defense). Why think, when you can just point?

8. Drunken Fight Guy. Not a fan of his team? Best to keep that happy little knowledge to yourself around this guy, who is convinced that if he only roots for his team violently enough, they'll be inspired. This is the guy who also likes to paint himself and/or go shirtless in cold weather. Do not make eye contact.

7. Brett Favre Apologist. In tonight's MNF game, as Favraro threw pick after back-breaking pick, the Lemur's Michele Tafoya talked about how much Namath II was studying on the sidelines. Maybe this means he's, um... not really working hard enough during the week, to learn the freaking playbook? Or maybe he's just stupid? No matter... he's Favraro!

6. The Fatalist. Sure, your team is up a ton of points, and they are facing a team that employs Herm Edwards, Matt Millen or Scott Linehan... but no matter! They're going to blow it! I can just feel it! This game is just like some wildly dissimilar game that I'm still seeing in my nightmares! Waah!

5. Pop Lifer. Hey, did you know that Tony Romo is romantically involved with Jessica Simpson? I sure didn't. Let's see if she's at the game, and what she's wearing, and maybe she could come into the booth and get interviewed, because all of this nonsense that we could, you know, have during the rest of the week when the game isn't on has to happen now. Remember this when some deranged fan comes at her with an ice pick, and millions of NFL fans respond to the news with a silent fist pump.

4. Mr. Violence. Man alive, did you see that hit? I think I'm about to achieve orgasm. It doesn't matter that the opposing team's player got 30 yards and a first down on the play, and that the ball carrier popped right back up and got back in the huddle... he just got de-cleated! Woo hoo! I think I need to change my pants!

3. It's A Conspiracy! The referees *hate* our guys! Everybody knows they have it in for us. Dammit, call the hold! That was holding! Call it, ref! We'd *have* this game, and every other game, if not for the refs! Oh, finally, we get a break. Dammit, the stinking network is going to show a replay that's going to take it away! Waah! Waah! Waaahhhhh!

2. Back Up Bandwagon. Everything would be better if the team only played the back-up QB (especially if said QB has a different skin color). Why can't Coach see it, what with his constant exposure to the talents of both guys? It must be political!

1. Fantasy Guy. I'd say more about him, but I'm, um, in three leagues, and really staring hard at this MNF game right now, so...