TOP TEN JERKS IN YOUR FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

Hey, your league has probably drafted. Now it's the time to meet all of your new friends in the league... and discover that they are a lot like the people you've met before. Let's review them all, shall we?

10. Handcuff Enthusiast. Now, I don't have an incredible opinion about the practice of having the star and his backup; sometimes I go there (especially if the star is injury prone or aging), and sometimes I don't. But what I love is when some other owner has your handcuff and thinks you have to have him, no matter what... and reacts with incredulity when you don't move a starter to him in trade for the backup. Good times!

9. Leaving Early / Autodrafter. Hey, why see the draft through to the end, when you can bail early, lose your first week and suck up the choicest members of the waiver wire? Oh, and gloat about it later. Thankfully, this guy never wins, and rarely stays in your league the next year... but like zombies, he reappears, over and over again. Beware!

8. Projectionist. Do you chart out your predictions for the upcoming season? Sometimes I do, and something I just crib them from another source.

But you know what I do with those projections when the season actually starts? For the most part, forget about them for actual performance... because, um, PROJECTIONS AREN'T REAL. This is the same guy that will pule that a future trade isn't fair, because the player you want to move was drafted lower. Good luck dealing with him.

7. Mr. Insider. Hey, I know a neighbor of the coach, and he was telling me... that just about everything else that you say can be safely ignored, because it's either bull or, um, bigger bull. Insider information is short-sighted, overrated, and usually wrong... and utterly irresistible. (By the way, you should also ignore this guy's stock picks.)

6. Mover and Shaker. Do you like the team you drafted? Well, you must be a ball-free wuss. Come on down and shake things up with this guy, who longs to suck everyone into a constant maelstrom of movement that will make your league even more of a timesuck than normal. Hey, look, here's your third trade request of the day!

5. Matchup Malignant. Ready to collude? Come on down to the gutter with this guy, who will seek to trade and trade back the same players in a transparent attempt to skirt bye weeks and piss off everyone else in the league. If it's not against the rules, it must be fine!

4. Deadbeat Dad. Three weeks he's into the season, his team is 0 and 3, and you're not getting many replies to your emails or trades. Sure hope you didn't wait to get his share of the money...

3. My Other League Is In Canada. Do you have a personal nemesis in your league that you're finally getting the upper hand on? Expect -- nay, demand -- that he or she has another league (or six) on the side that's worth more money, is infinitely cooler and more challenging, and that while he would have liked to have won your league as well, it just wasn't that important. (Needless to say, he's losing in that league, too.)

2. The Heartbreak of Diverticulitis! You know the only thing worse than hearing about someone else's fantasy football team? (Um, hearing about their D&D or World of Warcraft or Second Life experience. But I digress.) Hearing their tale of woe when they lose some head to head matchup on a fluke play.

Um, folks? It's fantasy football. It's all about fluke plays. If you don't want it to be that way, play in a points league. Or just shut up and take your loss like a man. Nearly everyone else will go down the exact same way.

1. Me. How can I write this list? Because I'm all of these people. And I'm going to win your league, just to infuriate you. Count on it.