Kimbo-gate and the plight of the MMA journalist

by The Prophet, The Savage Science

I was peacefully sleeping in my bed at the Hotel Arts Barcelona a few weeks ago when there was a knock at my door. I tried to ignore it at first but then it became more and more insistent...

"GO AWAY," I yelled throwing a half empty tumbler of Makers' Mark at the door for good measure. "THE SIGN SAYS 'DO NOT DISTURB." I thought for a moment about doing the proactive thing and simply opening fire at the closed door. My attorney, however, was still in Singapore and without him. I'd have to deal with the unpleasantness that always accompanies shooting a man. Obviously it would be justified self defense, even in a limp wristed European country. After all, a man doesn't disturb another man at 11 AM unless he has malicious intent...

"Mr. Murphy, there eees a problem weeth your bill," some Eurotrash hotelier stammered through the open door, clearly trying to impugn my character and good name as a fight sport journalist in the process. Needless to say, this raised my ire...

"THE HELL THERE IS, FRENCHY," (not realizing for the moment that I was in Spain). "THAT IDIOT STACKER AT THE EPIC CIRCUS OR PSYCHO CARNIVAL OR WHATEVER THAT WEBSITE I WRITE FOR PAYS MY BILLS".

"Zat is zee problem Mr. Murphy," Frenchy continued "I also have a wire from zees man you call Mr. Stacker that will explain the situation."

The SOB hotelier slipped a sheet of paper under the door and then had the good sense to just walk away. I summoned the two 17 year old girls I had been traveling with out of the bathroom. To their credit and despite being slightly drunk they had shown the good sense to put their bikinis back on--I didn't think I had run afoul of the age of consent laws in a well known hub of amorality like Spain but obviously a man in my position can't take any chances with this sort of thing.

Stacker's wire was full of all sorts of crazy talk about me needing to actually write articles on a regular basis if I wanted to remain part of the Epic Circus staff. Obviously he had been drunk as a skunk when he sent the wire since I thought we were clear on the arrangement--it's like when I was in college and noted writer James Dickey was on the English Department staff as an "author in residence". He didn't have any real duties, though he'd occasionally teach a class that would quickly devolve into a monologue of "war stories" and celebrity anecdotes when he sobered up enough to actually get out of bed before noon. Besides that, he'd spend most of his time sh*tfaced drunk and trying to fondle co-eds. In return, the University would get the prestige of having an A-list writer on the staff.

Stacker knew good and well that our arrangement was similar--he would get the prestige of having the "Triple Crown Champion of Fight Sport Journalism" on his staff and in return would pay me handsomely and pick up my expenses as I traveled all over the world covering the fight game. Granted, my most recent destinations of Montserrat, Monte Carlo and Barcelona weren't exactly hotbeds of mixed martial arts, but how the hell would Stacker know this? Besides, should a big MMA story ever break in the Canary Islands my "on the ground" experience there would be invaluable.

Only problem with that arrangement is that Stacker is apparently the sort of guy you can't trust with a "handshake agreement". And now I'd have to call Stacker and clarify my position.

Needless to say, Stacker was already three sheets to the wind despite being it being the middle of the night--like 7 or 8 AM--US time. Stacker is a bitter, miserable drunk and, frankly, not a fit person to run the Epic Circus media empire. He's a completely indiscriminate drunk of the worst sort--he sends one of his staffers to the liquor store weekly with instructions to buy whatever is closest to the door and on sale. During one particularly bad winter, the local liquor store stacked up a display of window washer fluid near the front door and upon discovering that it was $1.99 a jug dispatched his overworked minions to buy out the entire stock thinking it was some cut rate version of that dreadful Alize blue liquor.

The conversation with Stacker went much how I expected--I could only make out a few words from his slurred speech and those were typically expletives and "F bombs" about how this was "a new era" for the Epic Circus and how I'd be expected to contribute on a regular basis if I wanted to enjoy the perks of being a staff member. Like I said, crazy talk. Still, I had a decision to make--obviously Stacker was going to doublecross me on our handshake agreement. I had my integrity as a journalist to think of, and certainly I couldn't let a bitter, conniving media mogul like Stacker get the best of me. Then again, I had my cushy lifestyle to think of--the 5 star hotels, the sexy young European girls of dubious legality, the booze, the cigars, my villa on the Italian Rivera. As a man of principles, however, there was only one thing I could do...

I had no choice but to play his little game...hell, he'd never know that I was "phoning in" these columns each week and that most of what I report as "facts" were getting made up as I went along. I chuckled to myself as I finished these notes--Stacker would find out soon enough what I really think of him as soon as I finish my autobiography....until then, I decided to play along.....

ELITE XC AND KIMBO-GATE:

Hi everybody!! It's great to be back here at the Epic Circus!! With the meteoric success of my fight sport journalism website, THE SAVAGE SCIENCE, I haven't had much time for outside writing assignments. In fact, I've had to pass on most of them. However, when Dave Stacker--the editor and owner of this great site--came to me and asked if I'd like to revive my weekly column I was happier than a pants-less Ted Kennedy on a bender of Vicodin and 'The Famous Grouse'.

The Epic Circus really is the finest site of its sort on the Internet. It's like home to me and Dave Stacker and his staff are like family. So whenever Dave Stacker calls and needs anything for the Epic Circus, obviously its not a matter of "if" I can give but "how much".

Anyway, we're going to talk about the fallout of the Kimbo Slice/Seth Petruzelli fight. I thought about including a picture of Kimbo with this article but decided instead to include one of the outtakes from UFC Octagon girl Rachelle Leigh's Playboy shoot. And wouldn't you know it--the little minx went and slapped a Savage Science sticker on her titties.....

So everyone knows about the setup to this story--Ken Shamrock gets cut in sparring and has to pull out of his fight with Kimbo Slice. They go to journeyman Seth Petruzelli to fill in and he goes and KO's Kimbo in 14 seconds. But the fun doesn't stop there--on a radio interview he made comments that seemed to suggest that EliteXC President Jared Shaw offered financial inducements for him to stand and trade with Kimbo rather than try and take him down. While the more serious MMA fans rolled their collective eyes at the subsequent media hubub, the mainstream sports media got all worked up about this suggesting that it was tantamount to a "fix". After listening to know-nothing's in the mainstream sports media like that hack at ESPN Michael Wilbon (how that moron has a job that doesn't involve sorting donations at his local Goodwill store is beyond me) rant and rave about it, the Florida Department of Business and Professional Regulation which oversees the state boxing commission opened an investigation into the matter.

Here's the punch line to this joke--there's no way that anything is going to come of this. MMA promotions want exciting fights. UFC President Dana White has been waving his arms around and screaming about what an insult to the sport EliteXC and Shaw has committed here--but he's said essentially the same thing to his fighters. On a number of occasions he's made the point that fighters are rewarded as much on *how* they fight as they are on the basis of wins and losses--that means you're better off losing exciting fights than you are winning in a boring, tactical fashion. That's why Tim Sylvia and Andrei Arlovski are no longer with the UFC while Chris Leben is headlining today's UFC 89 event from London. That's why the UFC and every other MMA promotion in the world offers their fighters bonus payments for KO's and submissions, but not unanimous decisions. Fans want exciting fights and promotions do whatever they can to give them what they want. Boxing is the same way--that's why Butterbean is better known among the clueless masses than Winky Wright.

And here's some exclusive news from a source close to the investigation--the Florida regulatory agency recognizes the stupidity in the "outrage" among the sports media's chattering class and just wants this to go away. And it will--within the next week to ten days they'll release a report that--to paraphrase the late, great James Brown--will be "Talkin' Loud and Sayin' Nothing". There will probably be some lofty rhetoric about the importance of integrity and condemning Elite XC for..uh...something...but no action will be taken. They certainly won't condemn the practice of offering KO bonuses, because that'll essentially kill off the business of promoting MMA in the state. In other words, nothing is going to come of this nor should it...

So that's the story and you heard it here first. We'll be doing a live round by round of UFC 89 over at THE SAVAGE SCIENCE in a few hours, and make sure to come visit our redesigned site:

MMA, MAYHEM AND MORE AT THE SAVAGE SCIENCE

And thanks again to Dave Stacker and the entire 'family' here at The Epic Circus. It's great to be home again!!