Only God showers Vernon Davis

by Simon, SimonOnSports

Dear Coach Singles,

I regret to inform you Coach Singles, but I actually do not shower in the locker room because I am tight with God. Rather I go outside look up to the heavens with a football in my hand and shout "God, I need Water." and immediately the rain clouds come over my head and the rain begins to fall. And on the occasions that I forget the soap for my water I scream to the Heavens, "God, Lather Me" and at that moment a group of God's midget slaves run forth and scrub my rock hard physique.

See I am God's perfect creation. I am 99% muscle mass, 1% fat and the rest pure brain power. I do not care for winning meaningless football games. I care for showing the world how God can create the perfect human being. So sorry that you're effectively a fat midget in comparison to me and are terribly jealous. Get over yourself.

Thanks Vernon

Ps. That flat tire you have and the keyed in initials of VD on your driver side door wasn't me. It was God.

PPs. On Mischief Night God told me I get to control lightning so if I was you I would buy a rubber suit. Just sayin you might want to.