Top 10 sports-related Halloween costumes for 2008

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

Just thirty days left until one of the best party weekends of the year. If you haven't gotten your costume picked out, Epic Carnival has you covered.

10. Al Davis. Just go for any Cryptkeeper mask you've got, and pair it with a black track suit. Bonus points if you can speak with a Brooklyn accent, use an overhead projector, and spout senile lies without lapsing into Grandpa Simpson's voice.

9. Sarah Palin. A simple one for girls, who just have to pair librarian glasses and lipstick with a hockey jersey. If you are daring, add a shotgun for aerial hunting, some moose jerky for chewing, and a bunch of oddly named baby dolls. For extra special bonus points in Democratic areas, try to sell a rape kit -- possibly as a couple approach with Costume #8...

8. Plaxico Burress. The jersey purchase is the easy part, combined with the fake limp and Ike Turner-esque attitude toward your date. Feel free to beg for a flag at any moment for any reason, and to pantomime your winning touchdown catch for any Patriots fan in attendance.

However, how you get the skin color right is the real issue, assuming you don't have that already. Friends don't let friends wear blackface.

7. Erin Andrews. Another simple approach for the ladies, who just have to stuff a sweater, carry a microphone and benefit from being fairly attractive in a sausage fest, which of course helps immensely to get you from a 7 up to a 9.

For a group theme, have a bunch of thick glass geeks follow you around with laptops, interviewing you for their blog. That's easy for everyone, really.

6. Michael Phelps. Strictly for the hardbody guy who, if he isn't gay, certainly enjoys teasing the other team. This one just requires one of those unitard Speedo outfits, and maybe some prosthetic arms that telescope out a good five to ten feet. Bonus points if you can stammer and exude anti-charisma while sporting a full posse of hot babes.

5. Fantasy Football. Get esoteric with this gender-neutral costume approach. You can go in full Dungeons and Dragons / Ren Faire clothing, only with shoulder pads and a football. (This will make some people think you are just Raider Fan, though.) Or come in Barbarella-wear (girls only, please), but wearing a single bar kicker helmet. (Remainder of increasingly sordid entry deleted under Sharing Violation laws.)

4. Mike Holmgren. The nice thing about this costume is that it rewards any level of participation, Middle aged fat guys just need a Seahawk windbreaker, and they are done. More involved costumers can add in the walrus tusks, and maybe have a handler tossing them fish as they discuss various fine points of the West Coast offense. (I recommend the smoked salmon. Nice time of year for it, too.)

3. October and the Yankees. With this couple concept, the girl dresses in fall colors, accented with a few leaves, while the guy just grabs a Yankee jersey and hat. She then spends the evening telling the guy that while she used to be into him, well, it's over, and it's been over for a long time...

2. Bernard Pollard and Tom Brady. The perfect couple routine; all you need is a Chiefs jersey (should be available very cheaply in any overstock sporting goods section, since the Chiefs were last relevant to jersey sales when Joe Montana was alive) and a Gilhoolian-style kneecapping of Dreamboat. Works in any market!

1. Larry Brown. A simple enough approach -- just buy a hat from every place Larry's been, and keep changing them every five minutes. Bonus points if you can convincingly articulate why the cap you are wearing at the time is the last one you'll be wearing, and if, while you are wearing the Kansas cap, you succeed in hitting on women half your age...