Top 11 reasons why ESPN's Bill Simmons still hasn't written about ALCS Game 7

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

Are you like me, dear reader, in that one of your favorite things about Red Sox Elimination Day (a semi-annual holiday) is reading the World Wide Lemur's resident Boston Fluffer Bill Simmons pule over the Devastation of it all?

Well, if you are... you've been a mite, shall we say, disappointed by Billy Baloo's reaction. Let me quote it out here.

(cricket noises)

Nope, not even a masturbatory podcast. It's disappointing, isn't it? So disappointing, that there has to be a reason for this lack of output. Or, well, many...

11. Knows that the classy way to congratulate another team's fan base is through angry, bitter, spoiled rotten child-like silence

10. Just takes a long time to type 5,000 words with one hand while crying

9. Focusing so, so hard on that NBA book that he's working on, the one that always crops up when he's Very Very Sad

8. Those evil Lemur editors refuse to let him say what he *really* thinks, so he's going into Operation Shutdown

7. Needed last night's Patriot win over the Broncos to get him off the ledge, since it's been *days* since something nice happened for Boston

6. Attending a wake for a suspiciously convenient Irish-sounding guy

5. MTV is playing some new reality show spankfest for 'tweens, so he's, um, "occupied"

4. Like so many other Red Sox fans in Games Five *and* Seven, tuned out early

3. Is too busy organizing a class-action lawsuit for Red Sox Nation against Scott Boras, the agent for Manny Ramirez and the most evil man in the history of the whole universe

2. Knows that this is the only column of the year that many anti-fans will read, so he's just making us wait for it

1. Wants to just treat it just like every other crushing Boston Team Defeat, and just wait for the next championship to come to wash away the agony and injustice of it all