Top 11 reasons why Jeff Kent donated $15,000 to stop gay marriage

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

He's very rough trade indeed, folks.

11. Gay marriage threatens his mustache's way of life

10. Has the money to spend, since he's already taken care of his wardrobe, shoes and ample closet space

9. Just to point the final nail in the coffin as to why he and Barry Bonds couldn't get along

8. As his entire career has shown, doesn't really care if he pisses off a large portion of the paying audience

7. Wants to distract attention from the fact that he absolutely, positively can't play baseball worth a damn anymore

6. As he's probably retiring this off-season, wanted to go out with a bang (can I get a rim shot? um, er, well... never mind)

5. Um, just in case you haven't noticed by now, Many Baseball Players And Pro Athletes Are Homophobic Meatheads

4. Finds the idea that a lifelong partner might be able to visit their spouse as they are dying in a hospital just utterly abhorrent on every level

3. Is also against other wrong-headed aspects of modern culture, like miscegenation, the Internet, and running water

2. Just can't figure out any other way to keep random men from servicing him in airport restrooms, highway rest stops, and Senate offices

1. Really wants to up the suspense for his eventual Hall of Fame speech