Top 11 unnecessary sports movie sequels

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

Just when you thought Kevin Costner couldn't get any more insufferable... Well, the utterly bereft jock-sniffer has supposedly greenlit "Bull Durham 2."

No, really.

"Bull Durham" isn't nearly as good as its fans make it out to be (for one thing, the presence of Robert Wuhl in anything makes it suspect on many levels), but it really doesn't need the "Slap Shot 2" treatment. Neither do the following, really...

11. The Champ 2. The '70s tearjerker about an alcoholic father dying in the ring in front of his 9-year-old son gets a feel-good follow-up. In the new version, dear old Dad gets back up despite the lack of a functioning cerebellum and cleans house without speaking or blinking. Now an undead killing machine without remorse or the ability to feel pain, he climbs his way to the top of the MMA world, while the kid sells the walking dead out for every payday he can get. It's the feel-nothing hit of the winter!

10. Any Given Tuesday. You'll never look at NFL film preparation the same way again after this taunt thriller, in which Coach D'Amato dissects the game tape from the first movie, and wonders why the hell every tackle was so fundamentally unsound. Watch for Cameron Diaz's unfortunate turn in the middle of the film, as she confesses her auto-erotic fascination with punting.

9. Tin Cup 2. Kevin Costner strikes again in this follow-up to the remarkably unloved 1996 film. Roy McAvoy is back to continue his Van der Veldian assault on that one freaking hole, only this time, there's no one on the course but an increasing number of frustrated golfers who just want to play through, dammit. Eventually, the police come. Will McAvoy stop playing the hole? You'll have to pay to find out!

8. Even Fewer Holds Barred. Rip's back, and he's even older, more steroid-ridden, and less able to look helpless in front of a cross-eyed pituitary problem. Will he somehow manage the locker room politics to win yet again, even as fewer and fewer people give a damn? Someone will pay to see it!

7. Eight Men In. Let's face it, the first movie ends with a bit of a downer. You'll love the sequel, where all of your Black Sox favorites get *really* black by barnstorming in blackface against the best that the Negro League has to offer. It'll warm you from hood to toe!

6. Field of Continued Dreaming. Costner continues his reign of remake with the sequel that everyone's been, um, waiting for. After the crowds die down and with mounting economic pressure, Iowa farmer Ray Kinsella has to raise admittance prices. Then, he starts selling the cable rights to the old-timer games, hawking merchandise, and enforcing the reserve clause on the ghostly ballplayers. You'll thrill to the eventual labor negotiations!

5. Remembering The Titans Some More. Coach Boone is back with an all-black squad that dominates the league and is loved by the community. Will Boone let success go to his head and exact a terrible revenge on everyone who annoyed him in the first movie? Hell and Yes. You'll come for the revenge fantasy... and, well, you'll stay for the revenge fantasy.

4. Hoosiers 2: The ABA Years. Jimmy, Everett, Strap and the rest have all graduated Hickory High and want to go to college, but are struggling with money. Then, the Indiana Pacers of the old ABA makes an offer. Will the relative fame, women and money ruin their team-first dynamic? Only time will tell.

3. Kingpin 2: McCracken's Revenge. Fresh from a devastating divorce, Ernie McCracken is back to exact revenge from rival Roy Munson, who he blames for the failure of the relationship, alcohol and marijuana abuse, and the fact that he was born a Cubs fan. Bill Murray acts up a storm in this one!

2. Express 2: The Don McPherson Story. Twenty five years after the first African-American to win the Heisman attends Syracuse, a legendary new athlete takes up the charge at the big school in central New York. When he is done, you will know his name, kind of, because it's also the name of his coach, and you'll have watched a whole danged movie about him. Special vague memories for Eagles fans!

1. Even Happier Gilmore. Last time, Happy wanted to save his grandmother's house. This time, he's got to save her from a whirlwind romance from his rival, Shooter McGavin, so he enlists his best friend (Dane Cook) to win her away.

But forget about the plot. There's gonna be crotch shots with golf balls! Woo hoo! Crotch shots with golf balls! You know you want it!