Epic Carnival | Where Sports and Pop Culture Collide: A day without hating McNabb is like a day without sunshine

A day without hating McNabb is like a day without sunshine

by Tracer Bullet, Staff Writer

I had really hoped I could get away with not talking about this. I had really expected this stupid controversary would blow over by now. For reasons I don't understand, my QB, Donovan F. McNabb, has once again attracted controversy like biscuits attract fat girls. No, I understand why biscuits attract fat girls. Donovan attracts controversy the way my front door attracts gay hustlers — no one can explain it, but it keeps happening.

As everyone in the entire world including Malawi tribesmen who don't have teevees is well aware, McNabb admitted he didn't know how ties work in the NFL. For this, corpulent slobs from Jason Whitlock to Warren Sapp have said he has committed an unforgiveable sin. The Philadelphia sports media, ever the bastion of reasoned debate and careful deliberation, has called for him to be traded/cut/horsewhipped on the steps of City Hall. I'm afraid to even listen to WIP for fear the hate will cause my radio to melt.

So let me say this as both an Eagle fan and a McNabb fan of longstanding: I don't give a rat's rosy red ass.

Really, think about the things you don't know about your job. I worked at my last job for four years and I can't name three people who didn't work in my department. The building was one-story and maybe the size of two football fields and I couldn't even direct you around the place. Circulation? Advertising? Go, uh, that way. Maybe.

Now, it's not that I'm stupid (my Mommy says so), it's that I just didn't need to know. Well, that and I just didn't care (That's right, Ron. I was faking the whole time). Let's be honest, your job is a lot less complicted than McNabb's who has to not only know his job, but the job every player on offense, specific packages for specific players, specific plays for specific situations and he's got to do this while in great physical pain and while rocket-propelled werewolves like Justin Tuck and DeMarcus Ware are bearing down upon him with murdurous intent and malice aforethought. I'm impressed he remembers to put his helmet on the right way.

The Eagles can't convert in short-yardage, they can't win in prime time, they've largely abandoned the run, they've got a DT playing fullback (which, admittedly, is hysterical to watch when he runs downfield) and the sporting world is up in arms about whether McNabb is well-versed on a situation that has come up exactly once in the entire league during his 10-year career?

I realize that obessessing over petty nonsense and an irrational hatred towards all public figures who aren't Rocky is the birthright of all Philadelphians (and I fucking hate Rocky), but really, can't we turn our ire to a more deserving target for once? Like Andy Reid. I'M COMING FOR YOU, FAT MAN.

3 comment(s):

Anonymous said...

Awesome write up man. I agree with you all the way. But there has been TWO ties in the league during McNabb's 10 year career, no biggie tho. I'm listening to WIP as I type this and my keyboard is starting to turn to liquid...

DMtShooter said...

Sports radio is punishment for our sins. Excellent work, Bullet.

Tracer Bullet said...

Nope. The Steelers and Falcons tied in 2002. The last tie before that was between the Giants and Redskins in 1997. McNabb was drafted in 1999.

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