Epic Carnival | Where Sports and Pop Culture Collide: Top 10 awful things that might happen any minute now in sports

Top 10 awful things that might happen any minute now in sports

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

10. Team and/or league failures. Yes, the Dow Jones goes up and down, and assuming you aren't retiring any minute now, it's usually best not make yourself too crazy over it.

But nearly 40% of the value of *the entire damn thing* has more or less disappeared in the last three to six months. A similar, um, correction, has happened to the value of housing.

I get that teams are toys for people who have more money than they know what to do with, but the math is the math. It can't, and won't, continue.

9. Plane crash. By the numbers, given the number of flights that players and teams take every year, and that many of the more upscale teams take charter jets, which are inherently less safe due to the size... well, we got awfully close to this in the '60s and '70s for a number of NBA and ABA teams. We'll get closer.

8. The end of newspaper beat writers.
On the off chance that you haven't heard, newspapers are dying faster than the people who think that the biggest problem facing our nation is gays getting married to other gays.

Anyway, once the ink-stained wretches are all gone, you'll have no alternative to the World Wide Lemur. Shudder.

7. The Euro Menace. Consider Josh Childress to be a forerunner of things to come. Athletes follow the money, and the Euro trades for a lot more than a buck these days. It's unlikely to get to the whole Steal a City's Whole Damn Team thing, but, um, well...

6. A too-good 'roid will be invented. We all know what 'roids basically do, when used to achieve a performance edge; they make a devil's bargain of shortening your life for a short-term boost.

So what happens if the mechanics are tightened, with the ante raised? Riveting television. Especially if you like bloodsport.

5. Someone is killed in MMA. Oh, sure, I know -- it's less of a beating than boxing, since the damage is cut off quicker. The monitoring of the situation is extreme. There's too much money tied up here to risk the public relations nightmare.

And yet, um, guys have died in boxing, in wrestling, and even from a baseball beanball. It's going to happen. (And no, I'm not even counting backyard nonsense.)

4. Technology will create a devastatingly effective poker cheat. I've got a BlackBerry on my belt. It uses wifi technology, of course. How hard would it be, really, for it to pulse my line of sight target, and let me know that your pulse just went up by the same amount that it was the last time you bluffed?

(And yes, of course, this is all sci-fi. The World Series of Poker winner took home nearly $9 million, and the game attracts freaky weirdos that like the computers. Like you didn't have enough to worry about with just the odds math.)

3. A massive fix. There's just too much short-term money for extra games in best of seven sports... large market ratings juggernauts getting farther along... and last man types taking in massive, overseas, tax-free payday.

And if you don't think it can happen, consider this: the average salary of an NFL long snapper, compared to how much he could make for a moment of selective incompetence.

2. X-Death.
Remind me again how this guy survived?

1. Contract killing of a salary cancer. In this corner we have Stephon Marbury, who is being paid $21.9 million this year to watch the New York Knicks play basketball. No one wants to trade for him, and even if the Knocks do move him, they'll have to eat the cost.

Now, honestly... I get that mob movies are not documentaries. And I'm not calling for it; better that Starchild blows the money rather than have the noxious Dolans keep it. But there really isn't anyone willing to, um, arrange an accident for a mere million or two?

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