by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
After today's, um, contest, this Philly Fan is looking for something else to do with his time. I can't be alone in that desire. Here's some options.
10. Other teams. Tennessee has ex-Eagles coach Jeff Fisher. Arizona has a couple of recognizable and cringe-worthy names, and the ability to betray immediately, since they are the next opponent. Baltimore has an ex-Eagles coach in Jim Harbaugh and the kind of team you actually like, in that they are physical. There are options.
9. Family. Just imagine their shocked faces as you actually interact with them during a Sunday afternoon. You can even travel on weekends now!
8. Literature. All of the great works. How many of them have you read, really? And if you think that you don't have the patience or stubbornness to wait out something like Dosteovsky, let me ask you this: did you watch the entire Bengals game? I think you're ready for it in the original Russian, really.
7. NFL Films-style editing. With relatively accessible editing tools, you too can make an optimized Eagle Fan experience -- heck, maybe you can even stitch together a perfectly fabricated season. Admittedly, it's not going to be able to fool an 8-year-old when the Eagles beat the Ravens on nothing but kickoff return touchdowns, but you can always claim it's an artistic statement.
6. Ancient history. Hey, did you know that the Eagles have won multiple NFL championships? It's true. Break out the history books and become insufferable and sad as you talk about Steve van Buren and Norm van Brocklin. When Dutch guys ruled the NFL, that's when it was really at its best.
5. More obvious sado-masochism. Seriously, why be so mundane with your self-hurt? Today's game against the Ravens could have been more interestingly experienced by smearing honey on your taint and mounting a fire ant hill. You could also have gone for a scientific study of the worst place to get a paper cut. Or, for that matter, an extended determination of your best possible ipecac. Don't be so limited!
4. Porn. Oh, porn, is there anything you can't make better? Judging from the site that you are reading this, no.
3. Working out. Let your unbridled hate of everything your football team has become drive you to a better body. Just pump up the angriest music you can find, lay into a supply of excessively short-sighted nutritional "supplements", and let the hate make you hard. Hey, it's better than taking the Andy Reid Donuts And More Donuts way out...
2. Other sports. Why not get yourself a DVD of that Phillies playoff run? It's surprisingly positive, especially if you shut yourself off from any news of how the team isn't likely to resign Pat Burrell, and how Chase Utley is probably going to be out until June with hip surgery.
Or you could also give the NBA a spin, seeing how the Sixers have a .500 team that just lost to an awful Timberwolves team, and are looking up in the division to teams from New York and Boston. That's refreshingly different!
1. Sports radio. Hey, you know what would be great right about now? Moaning and bitching about how unhappy you are about the Eagles, then listening to other people say the same thing, only in ways that almost make you happy that they are in pain. Remember, together, you can convince yourselves that you matter at all!
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool