Top 10 next steps for your Oakland Raiders

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

After replacing high-priced cornerback Deangleo Hall with, well, nothing, and firing well-regarded head coach Monte Kiffin to promote utter unknown Tom Cable, many people around the NFL are wondering what's next for pro football's most dysfunctional franchise. Here's the list, acquired at great personal risk from the deathless tomb that is Al Davis's sanctuary...

10. Re-animating the bodies of dead Raider greats to improve team speed

9. Trying out innovative new offensive strategies, like blocking the opponent

8. Changing Darren McFadden's turf toe medical rehab program away from quite so much leeches, saltpeter, and soothsaying

7. Paying Kiffin what they owe him before he gets hired in Kansas City, leading to yet another division rival owning them in Vengeance Game after Vengeance Game

6. Erasing the Jon Gruden Era from the history books, so that we can look on the entire recent record of the Raiders as one of uninterrupted suck

5. Peeling back Cable's skin to reveal that he is, in fact, Art Shell

4. Ending every series with a Sebastian Janikowki field goal attempt, just to make sure there is a single member of the team worth owning in fantasy football

3. Trading punter Shane Lechler, since his actual competence makes the rest of the team feel bad by comparison

2. Rethinking their scouting preference for players who are Retard Strong, Evil Smart, or Girl Slapping Tough

1. Create an army of Davis Clones to populate the entire 45-man roster, leaving opponents too shaken with fear and revulsion to actually run plays