Epic Carnival | Where Sports and Pop Culture Collide: Top 11 reasons why the Lions have a Thanksgiving game

Top 11 reasons why the Lions have a Thanksgiving game

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

Are you befuddled by the continuing presence of the Lions on a nationally televised game every Thanksgiving, despite the fact that the last time the team was in any way watchable, no one knew who Monica Lewinsky was? (And yes, that was a transparent ploy to avoid a photo of the Lions and make Editor Scrap happy. He's big on cankles, and women that don't flinch.)

Well, the Epic Investigative Staff has left no stone unturned into uncovering the reasons behind this conspiracy...

11. It's the one day a year where the NFL decides that, gosh darn it, it has enough money as is, and doesn't need any more from an overly watched game

10. Only thing keeping dangerous D-town rappers from having beef from both East and West Coast acts

9. Part of the controversial Matt Millen performance art experiment

8. It's traditional, like scurvy, disenfranchising women and minorities, and losing all of your teeth by age 30

7. All part of the little-known Portsmouth Curse

6. The NFL is actually strongly in favor of high school football, so they want to make sure not to schedule a real game early in the day

5. Game exists strictly to humiliate musical acts that aren't popular enough to play the Dallas game

4. It's the only thing that helps the Lions attract great free agents like Daunte Culpepper

3. Gives the fans something more obvious to bitch about, rather than, say, the utter absence of a spring football league (GIVE ME MY SPRING FOOTBALL LEAGUE! IN THIS COUNTRY! WITH REAL RULES!)

2. Still trying to pay them back for the comedic value of their old silver leather helmets

1. Raw, unabashed, unrelenting pity

1 comment(s):

Tracer Bullet said...

Hey! I have wanted to do terrible, terrible things to Monica Lewinsky for the better part of 10 years now and your cheap mockery will not change that. (Monica, call me.)

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