Epic Carnival | Where Sports and Pop Culture Collide: Top 11 reasons we need to make us some Neanderthals

Top 11 reasons we need to make us some Neanderthals

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

From yesterday's New York Times...

If the genome of an extinct species can be reconstructed, biologists can work out the exact DNA differences with the genome of its nearest living relative. There are talks on how to modify the DNA in an elephant’s egg so that after each round of changes it would progressively resemble the DNA in a mammoth egg. The final-stage egg could then be brought to term in an elephant mother, and mammoths might once again roam the Siberian steppes.

The same would be technically possible with Neanderthals, whose full genome is expected to be recovered shortly, but there would be several ethical issues in modifying modern human DNA to that of another human species.
Ethics, schmethics, and God, Schmod. I Want My Monkey Man!

11. Wedge buster. Look, you don't really want intelligent human beings running into wedges. It's not really football so much as it is a repetitive car accident.

10. Nose tackle. Enough of hearing how intelligent these guys are for being able to split a combo block. I want some bona fide knuckle dragger with an unbeatable low center of gravity. He'd have to be more fun to watch than some massive man-wall.

9. Extreme cheerleader. Enough with ordinary flips and rolls. I want to see someone shot into a cannon, lit on fire, and possibly welded into interlocking pieces. More primate personnel could really increase the possibilities here.

8. Stunt men.
When you are watching some Put Your Brain In A Box broken glass epic and the fireball hits, causing some guy to run off screen while on fire, wouldn't it be nice to know that you're actually watching some real carnage? This might even get people paying full price at the cineplex again, especially if we could just give the people what they want, with titles like "300 2: This Time With Real Dead Guys."

7. Food. Cannibals of the South Pacific report that people taste most like pork. Aren't you the least bit curious what Neanderthal would go best with? I'm thinking barbecue, but maybe that's overwhelming the actual taste of the meat. Wouldn't want to get gross here, after all.

6. Pro wrestlers. Enough with technical precision, mic skills and storylines. That's something I can get from the manager or skank. Let her do the mic work for the freaky bendy dude that starts at George "The Animal" Steele and just goes from there.

5. MMA.
Can they learn the ancient arts of self-defense? Probably not. But can they bite and claw each other to bits in a shrieking pre-verbal blood battle for a hank of meat? Oh mais oui, and for a fraction of the price of the current PPV prices!

4. Boxing. Yes, I know, probably not as much fun as MMA, and most of these guys will just look awkward and sad. But on the plus side, maybe some of them would be startled by Don King and descend on him in an awful rain of murderous pre-humanity. A man can dream.

3. Ski jumper. You will believe a hybrid monkey-man can fly. Or, at the very least, you will watch as he completes some of the very best slapstick you'll ever see. Bring the kids!

2. X-Games. Sure, ski jumping gives us the opportunity to see a monkey man fall for untold seconds into a rapidly staining clump of snow. But X-Games work would also give us more variety in our pratfalls, since the boards and bikes can hit anywhere. We may not have very much in common with our obsolete predecessors and permanent underclass, but nut shots are universal.

1. Porn. I'm utterly certain that I could move ten million copies of "Pre-Historic Horny," "Smee-gah!" and "Non-Opposable Thumbing." Ron Jeremy's getting old, folks. It's time to bring in the new, err, old, wave...

1 comment(s):

Tracer Bullet said...

You, sir, are a terrible, terrible person. Funny, but so terrible.

Related Posts with Thumbnails