Top 11 ways to help Andy Reid fix the Philadelphia Eagles

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

In just a matter of weeks, Andy Reid and his Eagles have managed to take the bloom off the rose of the Phillies' championship, and the team has serious work to do if it's going to make the playoffs even as a wild card. But rather than just curse, cry and boo, this fan is going to be more constructive. Make these changes, Eagles Management, and you'll really help our fat load help himself.

11. Destroy the photos that Lorenzo Booker must have of him with a dead girl and a live boy. (I can't think of any other reason why this man has a job.)

10. Scoreboard manipulation. No, no, nothing so obvious as cheating. All we're looking for is to turn the damn thing off, so that Andy Reid can't do his Curly Howard impersonation in crunch time. If Andy doesn't think it's a one-possession game, we're golden. I'll run the risk of a kneel-down while behind at this point; at least it would be new.

9. Change the offensive linemen's names to *all* be Andrews. You see, Andy thinks the team still has Pro Bowl guard Shawn Andrews to road-grade his way through tough short-yardage situations. By making the entire line look like Shane Andrews to him, Reid will be forced to call running plays for more than one line position, making it much harder for the defense to scheme against.

8. "Clockwork Orange" style behavior modification for his chronic MWM (Mutiple Wideout Masturbation). Andy would rather complete passes to 15 receivers -- including people who, well, aren't receivers, shouldn't ever touch the ball unless it's recovering a fumble, and have long since known that they, in fact, have no moves -- than actually give the more talented people on the squad the chance to, well, show that talent.

Longtime Eagles fans attribute Andy's MWM to his bedrock communist belief system, or the Eagles' desire to never have another star WR ever again, after that unfortunate Terrible Owens experience.

(As to how we'll perform this? I was thinking we'd strap him into a chair -- bring a lot of extra tape -- and force him to watch the LJ Smith highlight reel. You've got to be unspeakably, horrifically, brutally cruel to be kind, folks.)

7. Bench McNabb... for the first three plays. We all know that Donovan can't play well to start the game, since that would involve him being not so gosh-darn excited about the idea of playing in a football game while healthy for the first time since 2004.

So we'll start the game with DeSean Jackson in the wildcat for a few plays, and send the QB out wide, in the hope that he gets popped in the mouth and/or tired enough to not throw the ball erratically. Besides, it'll mean More DeSean Jackson in the Wildcat, which is just good fun for everyone, really.

6. Hide his challenge flag. Seriously, it's just doing more harm than good now. Given his track record, Eagle Fan would rather have the timeouts, since the call is never, ever reversed.

5. Tell him that if David Akers attempts a field goal of more than 40 yards, you'll firebomb the Krispy Kreme.

(And while we're at it, you might want to inform him that David Akers is, in fact, a football player, and not a government mandated employment program. Other teams get to kick field goals from outside of forty yards; it would be nice if we could, too.)

4. Change his watches, clocks and printed schedule materials to convince him that every game the Eagles play is actually happening during Sunday afternoon, since that seems to be the only time that he can coach a game without soiling himself.

3. Remind him that his kids are no longer a valid excuse for any kind of distraction, since we've had them all killed for the good of the Union.

2. Force him to hire a sumo wrestler to work as a defensive lineman, even if the guy never gets on the field, so that he can learn that his DLs don't have to all be Dwight Freeney wannabes. All I want for Christmas is Kris Jenkins, Marcus Stroud, Tommie Harris or one of those Williams guys from the Vikings. You might have noticed that all of those teams have the same or better record than the Eagles, even though their quarterbacks aren't exactly MVP candidates.

1. Tell him that being the best coach in the history of the franchise doesn't (a) make him the best GM, (b) ensure his continuing lifelong employment in the "Logan's Run"-esque world of the NFL, where old coaches mostly suck, and (c) really matter at all when you are 0-3 in the division, 0-7 in the last two years in night games, and a lightweight pretender who has squandered the last good years of the best running back and quarterback in the franchise's history.

Not that we're bitter.

Now, go get those Bengals, you bloated sack!