Epic Carnival | Where Sports and Pop Culture Collide: Top 10 NFL announcer verbal tics

Top 10 NFL announcer verbal tics

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

10. "You want to play quarterback..."

Actually, no, Phil Simms, I don't. I realize that you're a creature with phenomenally limited imagination, and basically think that everyone watching dreams of being you in the past, but since I'm dreadfully ill-equipped of being an NFL quarterback, I think I'd rather just, you know, watch the freaking game. Or, perhaps, dream of being an NFL analyst, and get paid a ridiculous sum of money to say nothing.

9. "New York Football Giants."

Special Blogfriend Tracer Bullet is dead solid perfect on this; the Baseball Giants left New York decades before most of the audience was alive, and really don't need to be discussed any more. If you say this phrase, you are either being willfully wanker-riffic, or just telling me that you're incredibly old.

So do us all a favor. If you want to insist on doing this, say St. Louis Baseball Cardinals. Every single time you say this.

8. Onomatopoeia.

John Madden's reason for being was cute, I guess, during the first Bush Administration. Now, it's just tired, and self-parody, and the easiest tool in the box for Madden impersonations. Move on.

7. "He... could... go..."

Folks, Howard Cosell is dead. He's been dead a long time. You can stop pretending to be him already.

6. "We."

Right there with Simms pretending that I want to play quarterback (I'd be one and take the third-string paycheck, thanks -- more than that, no) is the idea that anyone who is not on the team has anything to do with the effort on the field. It just makes you sound like a talk radio mouth breather. Stop it already.

5. "He's a downhill, north-south runner."

Really. The running back is so damned lazy, he can't run on an even plain? Or he needs to check a compass before tucking the ball away.

4. "Runaway beer truck."

Is the nation beset with faulty brakes on our beverage conveyances? Why can't some burly fullback be a runaway oil tanker, or 18-wheeler, or wrecking ball?

Please, announcers of the world, tell me why LaRon McClain, Michael Turner or LemDale White plays football while drunk, and what exactly he's drinking, so that I can better emulate him in my home. (Because my secret desire is actually to play running back in the NFL. Don't tell Phil Simms.)

3. "Rumbling, bumbling, stumbling..."

Keith Jackson announces college football. I watch *pro* football. Even independent of that, no one announcing in the NFL is as good or as cool as Keith Jackson, so stop making me wish that he was announcing the game, instead of you.

2. "These teams just don't like each other."

Are they screwing each other's wife and husbands? Perhaps being very catty about who's wearing what to the post-game soirée. Did the wives get into it in the luxury box, or was it the mistresses? Give us a hint, please. Because what I'm seeing, for the most part, is a bunch of guys playing football, and after the game is over, hugging and praying together. I've seen more rancor in the subway. Routinely.

1. "The National Football League."

Is there an International league that we're comparing it to? Perhaps an Intercontinental one that can work on the undercard? And if so, why the hell haven't we been seeing those games, instead of all of those Arena leagues and non-football activities?

2 comment(s):

Tracer Bullet said...

Perhaps an Intergalactic Football League involving Klingons from Uranus.

You're right about #3. In the pantheon of football announcers, there is Jackson, Cosell and everybody else and these mushmouth morons would do well not to remind me that neither Jackson nor Cosell are involved in the proceedings.

Lastly, I'm your special blogfriend, but you still hog all the hot water in the shower. That doesn't say "special blogfriend" to me.

cmjdad said...

Come on Shooter, did you run out of things to rant about? Really now, put some passion into your work.

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