Epic Carnival | Where Sports and Pop Culture Collide: Top 10 NFL teams that I'll miss in the post-season

Top 10 NFL teams that I'll miss in the post-season

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

10. San Francisco. To think, they'd have probably made the playoffs and hosted a game if they had only played the whole year with (a) the third-string quarterback who makes Jeff Garcia look smooth and talented, and (b) the coach that couldn't keep his pants on. What a piece of work is the NFC West.

9. Green Bay. Here's the stat of the year: the Packers, who are going to lose either 10 or 11 games this year, are nearly assured of scoring more points -- a lot more -- than they allow. No, I'm not sure how they did it, either. But this could have never happened if Brett Favre was around, because I'm contractually obligated to mention Favre in relation to everything this franchise does for the next five years, just like everyone else in The Media.

8. New Orleans. Another club that's going to score more than they allow -- and short of a Patriot or Giants explosion in Week 17, the most points in the league -- without a postseason. Drew Brees might set the single-season passing yardage record, and while their defense is bad, it's not like they are in the NFC West. A more entertaining .500 team, you'll never see. Or a more gutless road club, really.

7. New York Jets. Yes, I'm assuming they spit the bit again on Sunday, rather than make the playoffs despite losses to the Niners, Seahawks and Raiders, but they really deserve some recognition for my favorite play-by-play call of the year. It happened last week in Seattle when Brett Favre threw a ridiculous awful cross-field lollipop pick with the call, "Favre guns it downfield!" It's rare that play by play actually makes you laugh out loud. The Jets, not so much. (And to think, I had the temerity to call Jets QB a cursed position earlier this year.)

6. Cleveland. Perhaps the first, and one sincerely hopes the last, team in NFL history with more national prime-time appearances than wins (5 to 4). At least the quarterback count is equal to that, assuming you consider Bruce Gradkowski a QB. He's certainly got no more right to the claim than Joshua Cribbs.

5. Cincinnati. Completing the state of disaster that is O High O professional football, consider the 3-11-1 Bengals, whose highlight of the year involved Cedric Benson. I'm not going to go into more details than that. Between the economy, the Browns and the Bengals, I'm amazed anyone is still alive in the state.

4. Houston. Next year's sucker dark horse bet for the playoffs has a great wideout and running back in Andre Johnson and Steve Slaton, but they still can't defend worth a damn, keep Matt Schaub healthy or do better than Sage Rosenfils at back up. They'll also still be in a murderous division, and probably won't have a high enough draft pick to get an immediate difference maker. But hey, the world needs a Savvy Dark Horse That Isn't every year...

3. Oakland. In a maddening world of inconsistency, let us treasure the Raiders. Every year, you know what you are going go get from this team: running backs that sucker fantasy team owners will draft, a defense that will compete despite no actual coaching, pointless melodrama and insanity from the front office, and a fan base that will continue to pray for death to finally come for Al Davis, scant realizing that the man himself *is* Death. Just like the rest of the decade!

2. Kansas City. Author of the finest dumb coach sound bite among "active" practitioners (and "You play to win the game" ranks only behind "They are who we thought they were" all-time), and a sneaky terrible 2-13 coming into the final week of pointlessness. In a normal year, the Chiefs would be a cause for some joyful schadenfreude and a very high draft pick, but they could easily have just the third pick for all of this misery. But look at the bright side, Chief Fan: it finally killed Carl Peterson. After all he's done to you...

1. The Detroit Lions march to immortality. Every week, they find a way to fulfill their promise, defying the league-wide drift to the middle. 32 teams played in the league this year, and I guarantee you that you'll remember this team the best of all.

Thank you, gentlemen, one and all, from the heart of Blogfrica. We shall never see your like again.

2 comment(s):

Tracer Bullet said...

Savvy Dark Horse That Isn't every year... AKA the Arizona Cardinals.

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