Epic Carnival | Where Sports and Pop Culture Collide: Top 10 sports blogging resolutions for 2009

Top 10 sports blogging resolutions for 2009

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

In 2009, I resolve to...

10. Bring more innovative sports porn to the table. Let's face it, my fellow Blogfricans, if we want to keep making these six figure salaries (it helps if you go to dollar percentiles that most financial institutions ignore), we've got to find new, domestic sources of titty and poon that don't make us so dependent on foreign tail. We can and will drill our way out of this crisis, my friends.

9. Be resolute on Reid. I resolve to hate on Andy Reid until his sad little clown face is far, far away from my football team. We're past the Make Up stage here, Fat Man. You can be taking bites out of the Lombardi Trophy in a month, and I'll still want you gone.

8. Pay less attention to the World Wide Lemur.
Banging my head against a brick wall might make for easy blog grist, but it's far from original.

7. Work out a technological way to avoid network NFL analysis. Whether it's satellite radio to local play by play, just watching the games with the sound off or patronizing some new product (you hearing me, NFL? New way to suck dollars out of my pocket!), life is too short to spend multiple hours in the presence of Mssrs. Simms, Madden, Kornheiser, Aikman, Siragusa...

6. Create an athletic backstory to give my blogging more credence. You see, the fact that I was a sports writer back in the day cuts no ice with my blogging brethren, particularly of the YardBarking variety. So I think I'm going to create the realistic sounding athletic background that will make my every utterance on sports more credible. Besides, there was this short hustle guy back on my high school football team, and he's probably dead by now anyway...

5. Use fewer poker analogies.
Just because I'm a degenerate gambler doesn't mean that you marks and donkeys are. I need to write tighter, play more premium analogies, and try not to go all-in with weakness. Otherwise, who will respect me when I come over the top?

4. Manage my blogroll, link whoring and techwork better. There are literally dozens of clicks that I've sent to some other Blogfrican nations. They must learn to respect my authority.

3. Generate more ad friendly content. Whether it's making sure that my readers know about a certain sportsbook, the virtues of some new sports game, a certain network of sports blogs or the merits of the tranny hookers that like the keyword implications of Five Tool Tool, I need to be more forthcoming for the very important readers. Those would be the sponsors, of course.

2. Get my government bailout. Hey, I deserve it. I've lost less money -- a lot less -- as a sports blogger than the insurance, bank, automotive and local and state governments, but if it takes diamond-encrusted blog site T-shirts that don't sell worth a damn to get my free government money... well, self-respect can be bought. At a premium!

1. Write fewer lists. Seriously, I'm calling it quits at 260. More than that just gets hacky.

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