Epic Carnival | Where Sports and Pop Culture Collide: Top 10 ways for the Knicks to resolve the Stephon Marbury situation

Top 10 ways for the Knicks to resolve the Stephon Marbury situation

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

10. Military action. Hey, the guys that cleaned up that mess in Mumbai are probably free by now. Send them over to Starbury's place. Or, failing that, Plaxico Burress. He's local and probably looking for a new line of work, and it's not like you have to be that fast to take advantage of Marbury anymore...

9. Bring in Drew Rosenhaus. Hey, the man knows how to get coach and team killers into new situations, and one assumes that Burress isn't going to need him much longer. Admittedly, it's a step up in pay and a big step down in actual usefulness, but so long as no one has a mirror around or leaves salt on the floor, Drew's a can-do kind of, um, guy.

8. Exorcism. Shouldn't the Knicks get something out of their $21 million this year, and shouldn't Starbury do something for both of his remaining fans? Let's load the man up with some pea soup and get the lasers going. MSG needs a show.

7. Buyout. C'mon, Knicks, just give in already and pay the terrorist his demands. It's not as if any non-NBA fan wants to ever give the league a chance again, really, and in the worst economic crisis in the country in the last 70 years, nothing resonates quite like paying a malcontent a ridiculous sum of money to not do what he's already not doing.

6. "Injury." Steffie needs to just sack it up and develop one of his legendary 60-game hamstring pulls. You know, like he's done for years now, as soon as the Knicks are out of the playoff hunt (i.e., December). It's a darn shame the man just can't stay healthy!

5. Assassination. Knick Fan, you disappoint me. Don't you realize that if someone just goes Jack Ruby on this guy, you'll be that much closer to getting LeBron James from the sudden drop in the Knicks' salary cap? It's very simple, really: LeBron is Jodie Foster, Starbury is Ronald Reagan, and you're that nice Hinckley fellow. And if you take out Isiah too, they might rename the building after you.

4. Capitulation. It's plain to everyone who happens to occupy the same mass and space as Stephon Marbury, or wants to suck up to him for media access, that the whole problem with the Knicks is that Mike D'Antoni and Donnie Walsh are wrong about everything. If only they gave Marbury a chance -- you know, unlike the previous 287 games over a five year period in New York, in which he's made the playoffs once, in his first year only -- everything would be just peachy. I mean, the man is a career 43% shooter who gets well over 2 assists for every turnover committed! You can't get better than that at point guard!

(Oh, wait, you can? From just about everyone who has a job as a starting point guard now? Gee, someone might want to tell the guy. He's under the impression that he's, you know, competent.)

3. Shuttle Exile. Sure, no NBA team actually wants this chancre sore of a man on their roster, but in Salary Cap Bizarro World, that just makes him Incredibly Valuable. But since he's also an incredibly toxic individual, what you really want is the cap gain without the real-world pain. So here's what we do.

First, suspend the usual 90 day trading rules for him. Next, engineer a complex lend-lease maneuver so that every NBA team gets the rights to him, so long as they (a) never play him, and (b) always trade him to the next team in the league before he can show up.

Everybody wins -- the failing airline industry that can keep their occupancy rates up with the on-the-go Starbury Entourage, the nation's schoolchildren, who can learn about geography from the Carmen Sandiego-like exploits of the one-time All-Star, and local police departments, who can practice their high alert S.W.A.T. team maneuvers for the occasional touchdown of Team Starbury. Heck, maybe we'll get lucky and have him snap at a security guard and wind up in Gitmo. That's good fun for everyone!

2. Parody. Don't the Globetrotters need to introduce a Starbury character to pout his way through games for the Washington Generals? Isn't Vince McMahon ready to introduce an arrogant heel that refuses to work while getting paid? Isn't there room in any number of shows ("South Park", "Family Guy", etc.) for Starbury references? I mean, it's not every day that the highest paid player in one of the most lucrative leagues in the year is an utter and complete waste, is it?

1. Appreciation. Without the Starchild, NBA blogging and coverage would be 24/7/365 about the All Powerful Free Agent Class of 2010, the single most important development in the history of the league, and incredibly more meaningful than any actual game.

So thank you, Starbury, you unrelenting and unrepentant tool, for the great gift that is your own personal Operation Shutdown. But what will you do for an encore?

(Crossing fingers, dreaming of armed standoff with cops...)

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