Epic Carnival | Where Sports and Pop Culture Collide: Top 12 signs that the NHL is not a major league

Top 12 signs that the NHL is not a major league

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

12. The sport employs the only commissioner in the history of professional leagues that makes Bud Selig look good by comparison

11. By the numbers, NASCAR, the XFL, professional poker, bowling, test patterns and "Rosie Live!" all had better ratings

10. To make more money, players are choosing to go play for Metallurg Magnitogorsk, Ak Bars Kazan, and Salavat Yulaev Ulfa

9. The only player who the mainstream media has covered in the last twelve months is a metrosexual misogynist who is such a spectacular ass, there are special rules on the books to prevent other players from acting like him

8. If given the choice between a local team winning the Stanley Cup or finding $10 on the street, many casual sports fans would take the $10... and you can probably negotiate it down

7. The league is currently being shown on a network that seems to exist only to show an eternal churn of "Rocky" movies

6. The fan base is comprised of a Rainbow Coalition of white people, whiter people, and the whitest people

5. When the league's top stars play in the Olympics, people seem to care less, not more

4. When two players have a disagreement, they drop their gloves and fight like drunken bears, unless it's a playoff game, in which the need to fight miraculously disappears

3. Tie games are resolved through shootouts, which is roughly akin to having a tied baseball game determined by home run derby, a tied basketball game determined by a free throw contest, a tied football game determined by extra point kicking, or a boxing match determined by chair shots

2. Players can be Thrashers, Predators, Wild, Blue Jackets, Ducks, Coyotes, or individual, presumably small and manageable, Avalanches

1. Pointing out the league's flaws infuriates drunks, yokels, and Canadians (which is to say, Canadians)

2 comment(s):

Anonymous said...

At least tie games are resolved. In football, tie games just end as a tie at the end of overtime. If it happens to be decided in overtime, then it's usually a field goal, which is pretty close to your stupid extra point analogy above. Not to mention the field goal is probably the dumbest play in all of sports.

Heavy marketing and showmanship are the only reason that a second rate sport like American football is so popular in the U.S. If the networks pushed hockey in the same way, the results would be the same with the exception of the degree of showmanship, which will never rival that which is present in the NFL.

Pointing out the NFLs flaws usually infuriates morons, ex high school jocks, and Americans (which is to say, Americans) as well. The sport is so god damned slow that a timer actually had to be integrated into the game play to speed it up! Most normal people would rather watch golf than American football.

Tracer Bullet said...

Because it's not like hockey failed on ESPN, which carries the X-Games on purpose, and can't get a contract with an actual TV network, or that the NFL is the most popular sport in the U.S. with Super Bowls making up seven of the highest rated shows in television history. Surely, it's a conspiracy that Americans and other multi-celled organisms don't want to watch soccer in the cold and not that the puck is hard to follow, hockey's rules are arcane or that overcoming a two goal lead in 30 minutes constitutes an enormous comeback.

Complaining about the showmanship of televised entertainment is like complaining that hockey is the domain of white guys who aren't athletic enough to play actually interesting sports. I mean, that's kind of the whole point of the enterprise.


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