Epic Carnival | Where Sports and Pop Culture Collide: Top 12 sports thieves of 2008

Top 12 sports thieves of 2008

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

12. Adam Mister Jones. At $700,000 for the year, he's strictly small change in terms of lack of bang for the buck -- heck, Roy Williams is making $3.7 million to catch less than two balls a game and make Terrible Owens even crazier than usual -- but at least Williams is inconspicuous in his suckery. If The Artist Formerly Known as Pac Man made a positive play for the Cowboys this year, it's an upset.

11. Tony Kornheiser. I don't know what he makes, but given that it's television and he's old, let's be safe and assume a million bucks a year. In a field of people who tell you nothing of any actual merit while pissing you off, Kornhole goes the extra mile of telling you nothing of any actual merit about events that have nothing to do with what you are watching. If I could make a Faustian bargain of giving up some number of years from my life to have him off the screen, I'd do it in a heartbeat. If only for the gratitude of millions...

10. Vince Young.
Matt Leinart's partner in convincing you that no one needs to take college football championship games seriously made just under $4 million in salary this year. He did something even more impressive than losing a job to Kurt Warner, in that Kerry Collins has, unlike Warner, never been considered very good. Plus, VY also gets the gold star for making people think he was going to off himself like a middle school goth girl. This is taking the Madden Curse to a whole new level, really.

9. Matt Leinart. Nearly $10 million a year to do something no one has done in nearly a decade -- lose a job to Kurt Warner. Oh well, at least he's a gritty competitor who is trying all that he can to learn and get better. Either that, or doing beer bongs with the underaged.

8. Brett Favre. $12 million buys you a lot of interceptions -- Saint Brett's 22 led the NFL, naturally -- and a December collapse that was intense even by J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS standards. I'm pretty sure you can buy his Jets gamer on eBay for a buck today.

7. Perdo Martinez. $14 million in 2008 bought you a 5-6 record, a 5.62 ERA and untold heartbreak. Pedro's final numbers in NY are 32-23 and less than 500 innings in four years. A darn shame that the Red Sox didn't re-sign him, really.

6. Barry Zito. How badly is Barry Zito overpaid? Enough so that the local media has created a handy little application of depression that shows you just how many years it would take you to make what he'll make in a year. This might be the worst contract in MLB history... and the Giants till be paying it for years to come, because no one else will take him. And as bad as his numbers are, remember this... the Giants play in a pitcher's park. Yikes.

5. Stephon Marbury. Over $20 million a year to refuse to play? We should all find opportunities in life to be so abundant. Special kudos to the media apologists that have somehow contorted themselves into being on Marbury's side, despite the fact that he makes decent people spit. Oh well, at least he'll come off this list in a year, and out of the Association entirely in two...

4. Derek Jeter. $30 million in salary plus endorsements should get you more than a below-par defensive shortstop with a fairly empty .300 average, shouldn't it? And for all of the vaunted post-season clutchitude, his teams haven't won a playoff series since 2004. At 34 with over 8,500 at bats in the bigs, it's also not very likely that he's going to be delivering more value for the money in 2009.

3. The New York Mets. Two part thievery going on here. First, you have the nine-figure-plus payroll that bought them back to back September choke jobs. Then you had the Citibank naming scandal, in which the team refused to return the $20 million naming deal even after the financial company started sucking down taxpayer dollars like Mets Fan trying to forget Aaron Heilman with light beer. Let's just call the new yard Enron 2 and be done with it, shall we?

2. Tiger Woods.
A controversial choice, in that it's usually hard for a guy that doesn't get paid unless he wins in a solo sport to make this list, but Eldrick's endorsements are so beyond the pale that anything short of winning all the majors and keeping Buick (and Detroit) afloat counts as theft. In 2008, he had major knee surgery, stayed home with the wife and kids, won one (admittedly unforgettable) major, and banked just under $128 million. By the time he's done, he's going to make more than any other athlete in history, even if he never recovers from the knee injury. I'm kind of hoping he goes the John Daly route, now that Barak Obama has stolen his thunder of Most Revolutionary Black Guy, and just get all fat and happy...

1. Clay Bennett. The supremely odious owner of the stolen Seattle NBA franchise has a 3-28 record that's on pace to be the worst in the Association's history. He's received one additional honor before being christened as Thief of the Year... he was named Oklahoman of the Year by Oklahoma Today magazine.

No, seriously.

Just in case you needed any extra motivation for the stolen team to set the record.

3 comment(s):

Anonymous said...

Yeah, that Perdo Martinez was a total waste of money.

Chri534 said...

Nice report there, but I have a few questions...

Why is Jeter even on the list?
He's known for being a playmaker, but he's also known for his his consistent mediocracy on the stat sheet. He's paid for his fanfare and he's getting old.

Why Marbury?
Honestly, how many people were actually surprised by his behavior? If anything, you should have listed the Knicks ownership, or even management, in place of this. The whole organization has been melting down for a few years now.

Why Pedro?
How are you surprised that a 36 year old pitcher with recent injury concerns might be not so reliable to pitch consistently?

Why Favre?
He was a year past leading the league in interceptions. Why are you so surprised that he did it again?

I don't know if you realize it, but New York teams throw ridiculous amounts of money at players just because they have it.

The problem with this list is that you have too much a New York bias, and maybe "you're not that big of a sports fan," but I think if you pulled your head out of the back of your pants you would be able to realize that the true top 50 "sports thieves of the year" are all on New York teams. They sign all the big names and yet somehow they don't really live up to expectations.

The rest of the list is full of things that a million people have said before. There is no creativity whatsoever.

I apologize, but reading this list pissed me off more than you can understand

DMtShooter said...

Where did I write that:

a) you had to read the list

b) I was surprised by any of the people mentioned

c) NY wasn't going to over-represented, given the paper there?

Don't apologize. Just don't read me. Life's too short for both of us.

Related Posts with Thumbnails