Epic Carnival | Where Sports and Pop Culture Collide: Top 12 sports to heckle

Top 12 sports to heckle

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

Heckling, when done properly, can lively up a dull contest and give the home side a clear and unmistakable advantage. But which sports are most susceptible to the timely word? EC breaks it down.

12. NASCAR. Sure, the driver can't hear a thing until he's on the victory stand, but once he's there, feel free to have at it with both barrels of redneck hate until he throws a fit like a 12-year-old girl. And no, it doesn't much seem to matter which driver you do that to.

11. Pro Wrestling.
No, not the ritual booing for the bad guy that means he's doing his job to generate cheap heat. Instead, go the extra E-Cee-Dub-A-You mile and chant helpful instructions like "You F***** Up!"for missed spots and "Bore Ing" for a low work rate. You'll see the impact soon enough, possibly in the guise of a chair shot gone wrong that flies out into the crowd. Good times!

10. X-games or Olympics.
The execution is the same; trot out your most dated and offensive nationalist stereotype and Have At It. You know you are doing it right when your own countrymen want you dead.

9. Bowling. Let's see, we've got goofy flyover 'Murkins who are taking their hobby far too seriously. They've also spent most of their lives in a filthy habitat, eating crap food and exposing themselves to mouth-breathing bulk smokers. Let's just say that they are a wee bit sensitive and leave it at that. Easy picking for those of us who like to lose friends and alienate people.

8. Poker. All the same rules apply as to bowling, but with the added bonus of participants who are wired to the point of explosion with a lot of money on the line. A small whisper of "They think you're a pussy. Go all in. Show 'em. Show 'em all!" can ruin lives fast. You're welcome.

7. Golf. As the recent "Dr. Death" Steve Williams vs. Phil Mickelson dust-up proved, no one loses when golfers feud. The tricky thing about golf heckling is that it so clearly works: a well-timed "You the Man!" for an errant tee shot can stay in the mind for hours, and "Noonan!" for a missed punt is Comedy Gold.

6. Tennis. Sure, you've to brave a hissy umpire way up high in his chair thumbing you out, but otherwise, this is a goldmine for infuriating people who can buy and sell you. It's even better when you can help whip the crowd into a jingoistic fervent. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

5. NFL. A great thing has been lost here, in our new pleasure dome stadiums and with the fat cats in the up-close seats. Instead of the home crowd being good for a half dozen false start and delay of game flags a game, it's now lucky to just get one or two. And that's notwithstanding the personal remarks that have all gone for naught. The fact that Jeremy Stevens is still raping his way across the league is all you need to know about how toothless home team heckling has become...

With the single exception of when the players come in and out of the tunnels. Then, it's everything goes. (Or if you can really bring the noise, preferably in a dome.)

4. Soccer.
Would rank lower if not for the fact that soccer crowds frequently coordinate themselves into offensive acts of song, which is just the kind of thing that we need more of in this world. American sports would be a far, far better place if we could only bridge the Insulting Group Song gap. Sing-song chants just don't cut it.

3. Hockey. Would not rank very high at all if not for the greatest sports movie ever made (and no, I will not argue this), "Slapshot." Just feel free to let out a few "Your wife's a dyke!" blasts during the next game, and when the enemy is dispatched to the penalty box, that he be made to feel much shame. Sure, you might be ejected by security and have to eat a very expensive ticket, but that's a small price to pay for helping the home team, isn't it?

2. MLB.
Best seen when a pitcher unravels; Philly Fan is still convinced that they willed Brett Myers into getting on base so often in the post-season. But it'll also work on the opposing outfielders provided they (a) play deep enough, and (b) can hear some talented leatherlungs in the bleachers. Special points here if you can coordinate multiple hecklers for more power. I'm still impressed by the Oakland left field bleacher crew chanting to then-Met Mike Piazza, "Mike, We Know You're Not Gay!" Sophisticated, that.

1. Basketball -- college or pro. You're right on top of the players, basically. The game is always indoors, with sound building like mad from every corner of the arena. The players have no helmets, protective gear, or enclosed benches or clubhouses to go to for peace and quiet. Basically, they are in a cauldron, and true hecklers can raise the temperature nicely... especially if the opponent has a soft spot. And lo, the NBA has many such players.

Your favorite heckles in the comments, please. (Mine: "Hey, ref! Bend over and use your good eye!" Works in almost any sport, offends and amuses a near universal amount of people. Use it in good health.)

2 comment(s):

Tracer Bullet said...

Shooter biting my rhymes again, but it's all good because he lays out some kick-ass pretzels at his monthly poker game.

Jason said...

I prefer to heckle Special Olympians

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