Epic Carnival | Where Sports and Pop Culture Collide: Top 10 sports arguments you will be sick of in 2009

Top 10 sports arguments you will be sick of in 2009

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

I'm the kind of guy who likes to schedule dental appointments months in advance, so that I can savor the upcoming unpleasantness. Along those lines, let's present...

10. The Yankees' payroll advantage. Yes, it's ridiculous that MLB can't (a) enforce a meaningful salary cap, and (b) ensure that all of the teams that suck down cash from revenue sharing actually spend it. But there's really nothing new here; they've been doing it for 30 years in the Free Agent Era, and decades before that in the Buy Stars From Crap Teams and/or Minor Leagues era. The only hope for non-Yankee MLB fans is that they blow the dough on a terrible contract. So don't beat your head against the wall; just shower CC Sabathia with Krispy Kreme. He'll take care of all of our needs.

9. How free agency has ruined the NFL. I know that who wins or loses the games is now essentially random; the Dolphins going from 1 win to double digits and a division championship more or less proves that. I just don't want to hear about it, because it will remind me that I'm spending a good portion of my free time rooting for coin flips. And what fun is that?

8. That other sports need instant replay. The worst minutes in my life are not spent waiting for my spouse and/or kids, cleaning the gutters or getting jammed into overcrowded subway cars. They are spent waiting for some overpaid part-time ref and full-time no-nuts to parse out what just happened in some sideline peep show camera. The last thing I need is to see every other sport get so neutered. Maybe I've just seen one too many Andy Reid challenge, but let's just move on the next play. Please.

7. How the economy is affecting certain franchises. I watch sports, for the most part, to not think about things that matter. So spare me the sob stories by millionaires for billionaires, and how people really aren't making money from owning teams. No one cares.

6. The 2010 NBA free agent class. Let's just cut to the chase here; it will not change the balance of power in the league, and your craptastic franchise will not turn around from some Fairy Godplayer. No one wants to come rescue a crap team, especially in a cold-weather climate or in a state with income tax, from its recent history of boned draft picks, trades and free agent busts. But after it busts, I'm sure that the same wait until next year to not pay attention to this year crowd will be pitching the 2012 class...

5. The World Series will be played in November. Hey, we're lucky it isn't played in December, right? So long as this sport is run by Bud Selig, don't expect the right thing, the smart thing, or even the not completely insane thing. It's OK, though -- no one who is too young to stay up to watch the end of playoff games gives a damn about the sport anyway. Nice work, MLB!

4. The Death of the Newspaper and/or beat writers. No, progress (and, well, the medium you are reading this on) is not a panacea. The simple fact of the matter is that online ad rates are a bargain, in regards to offline, and have nearly always been so; it's also very questionable as to whether content will ever drive the same kind of revenue that it did in the offline world. This has also been true, for, oh, the last 10 years. Find a new story...

3. Your Fringe Sport Doesn't Get The Coverage It Deserves. Nothing is more tiresome than hearing about how wonderful your sport would be if we just all paid attention to it. If you want your sport to get more run, get an audience without Fairy Godnetwork's help.

2. The people who read and write in Sports Blogfrica are wrong, wrong, wrong, along with all of those people who want to think about new statistics. We're geeks and nerds and no-lifers and, um, the people who pay attention and watch the freaking games. You can stop insulting us any time now, really.

1. ANY Athlete's Retirement Plans. When should anyone ask an athlete if they are retiring? NEVER. When should we hear about this? WHEN THE ATHLETE IS RETIRING. When should the athlete come back after announcing his retirement plans? NEVER. THEY RETIRED. THE REST OF US ARE INCREASINGLY UNLIKELY TO EVER HAVE THAT OPPORTUNITY. And Happy New Year!

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