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Me, Jim Fassel.  Let's take a look at this logically for a second.#1. Nobody, and I mean nobody wants your job.  You aren't going to get a good NFL coordinator, like Steve Spagnuolo, because they will take a better job or just wait it out on the good teams "},"link":[{"rel":"replies","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http://www.epiccarnival.com/feeds/8175353689333039463/comments/default","title":"Post Comments"},{"rel":"replies","type":"text/html","href":"https://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID\u003d1549089718489651445\u0026postID\u003d8175353689333039463\u0026isPopup\u003dtrue","title":"0 Comments"},{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http://www.blogger.com/feeds/1549089718489651445/posts/default/8175353689333039463"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http://www.blogger.com/feeds/1549089718489651445/posts/default/8175353689333039463"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http://www.epiccarnival.com/2008/11/dear-al-davis.html","title":"DEAR AL DAVIS"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"Simon"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"}}],"thr$total":{"xmlns$thr":"http://purl.org/syndication/thread/1.0","$t":"0"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1549089718489651445.post-4423630852031251311"},"published":{"$t":"2008-10-27T15:22:00.002-05:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2008-10-27T15:43:13.310-05:00"},"category":[{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"NFL"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"49ers"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"mike singletary"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"sports"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Vernon Davis"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"humor"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"letters"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Simon"}],"title":{"type":"text","$t":"Only God showers Vernon Davis"},"summary":{"type":"text","$t":"by Simon, SimonOnSportsDear Coach Singles,I regret to inform you Coach Singles, but I actually do not shower in the locker room because I am tight with God.  Rather I go outside look up to the heavens with a football in my hand and shout \"God, I need Water.\" and immediately the rain clouds come over my head and the rain begins to fall.  And on the occasions that I forget the soap for my water I "},"link":[{"rel":"replies","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http://www.epiccarnival.com/feeds/4423630852031251311/comments/default","title":"Post Comments"},{"rel":"replies","type":"text/html","href":"https://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID\u003d1549089718489651445\u0026postID\u003d4423630852031251311\u0026isPopup\u003dtrue","title":"0 Comments"},{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http://www.blogger.com/feeds/1549089718489651445/posts/default/4423630852031251311"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http://www.blogger.com/feeds/1549089718489651445/posts/default/4423630852031251311"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http://www.epiccarnival.com/2008/10/only-god-showers-vernon-davis.html","title":"Only God showers Vernon Davis"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"Simon"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"}}],"thr$total":{"xmlns$thr":"http://purl.org/syndication/thread/1.0","$t":"0"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1549089718489651445.post-52338092195723658"},"published":{"$t":"2008-09-16T09:10:00.001-05:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2008-09-29T13:45:40.578-05:00"},"category":[{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"NFL"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"raiders"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"sports"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Al Davis"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"letters"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Simon"}],"title":{"type":"text","$t":"DEAR AL DAVIS"},"summary":{"type":"text","$t":"by Simon, SimonOnSportsDear Al Davis, Hey Al, just to get this across one more time you senile old man, I am not resigning I am not giving you the satisfaction of not paying me the rest of my F'n contract.  I'm gonna get paid for enduring all the bull shit you put me throw.  I'm not your f'n coach?  Go screw.  Well hick boy Ryan isn't my defensive coordinator, so when our defense sucks feel free "},"link":[{"rel":"replies","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http://www.epiccarnival.com/feeds/52338092195723658/comments/default","title":"Post Comments"},{"rel":"replies","type":"text/html","href":"https://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID\u003d1549089718489651445\u0026postID\u003d52338092195723658\u0026isPopup\u003dtrue","title":"2 Comments"},{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http://www.blogger.com/feeds/1549089718489651445/posts/default/52338092195723658"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http://www.blogger.com/feeds/1549089718489651445/posts/default/52338092195723658"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http://www.epiccarnival.com/2008/09/dear-al-davis.html","title":"DEAR AL DAVIS"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"Simon"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"}}],"thr$total":{"xmlns$thr":"http://purl.org/syndication/thread/1.0","$t":"2"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1549089718489651445.post-7606556921407257790"},"published":{"$t":"2008-06-27T09:10:00.001-05:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2008-09-29T14:17:33.956-05:00"},"category":[{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"sports"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"andy roddick"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Hot Girls"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"tennis"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"satire"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Brooklyn Decker"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"letters"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Babes"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Simon"}],"title":{"type":"text","$t":"DEAR BROOKLYN"},"summary":{"type":"text","$t":"by Simon, SimonOnSportsDear Brooklyn,Alright Brooklyn, it's time for you to wake up.  When I created you I gave you some tremendous assets.  I fully expect you to mate with a big time winner and create children whom I can mold into more perfection. So its time that you drop the chump.  I mean look what I gave him and how he's utilized it.  I made him able to hit the ball 150 miles an hour. 150 "},"link":[{"rel":"replies","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http://www.epiccarnival.com/feeds/7606556921407257790/comments/default","title":"Post Comments"},{"rel":"replies","type":"text/html","href":"https://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID\u003d1549089718489651445\u0026postID\u003d7606556921407257790\u0026isPopup\u003dtrue","title":"1 Comments"},{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http://www.blogger.com/feeds/1549089718489651445/posts/default/7606556921407257790"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http://www.blogger.com/feeds/1549089718489651445/posts/default/7606556921407257790"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http://www.epiccarnival.com/2008/06/dear-brooklyn.html","title":"DEAR BROOKLYN"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"Simon"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"}}],"thr$total":{"xmlns$thr":"http://purl.org/syndication/thread/1.0","$t":"1"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1549089718489651445.post-249342024843714716"},"published":{"$t":"2008-06-20T14:23:00.005-05:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2008-09-29T13:42:10.731-05:00"},"category":[{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Statue of Liberty"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"idiots"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"sports marketing"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"sports"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"MLB"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Bud Selig"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"satire"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"letters"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"assholes"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Simon"}],"title":{"type":"text","$t":"DEAR MLB BRAIN TRUST"},"summary":{"type":"text","$t":"by Simon, SimonOnSportsDear Mr MLB Marketing Man,Hello, I've recently stumbled across your plan of replicating me. Or should I say completely defacing everything I stand for.  At first I just thought you were selling little tiny replicas to stupid americans who like to waste their money on trinkets.  So I thought alright no big deal these people don't get to go to the great city of New York and "},"link":[{"rel":"replies","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http://www.epiccarnival.com/feeds/249342024843714716/comments/default","title":"Post Comments"},{"rel":"replies","type":"text/html","href":"https://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID\u003d1549089718489651445\u0026postID\u003d249342024843714716\u0026isPopup\u003dtrue","title":"0 Comments"},{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http://www.blogger.com/feeds/1549089718489651445/posts/default/249342024843714716"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http://www.blogger.com/feeds/1549089718489651445/posts/default/249342024843714716"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http://www.epiccarnival.com/2008/06/dear-mlb-brain-trust.html","title":"DEAR MLB BRAIN TRUST"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"Simon"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"}}],"thr$total":{"xmlns$thr":"http://purl.org/syndication/thread/1.0","$t":"0"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1549089718489651445.post-3712851013324653001"},"published":{"$t":"2008-06-11T07:25:00.002-05:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2008-09-29T13:40:38.485-05:00"},"category":[{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"blogger reach arounds"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Isiah Thomas"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"sports"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"NBA"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Deadspin"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"satire"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"letters"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Simon"}],"title":{"type":"text","$t":"DEAR MR. DENTON"},"summary":{"type":"text","$t":"by Simon, SimonOnSportsDear Mr. Denton,I have recently come across the knowledge that your Senior Editor the well respected Will Leitch has decided to hand over the reigns of Deadspin the a new editor of your choice.  I would like you to know that I am the man for the job.Answer Some of These Questions for Yourself1. Who has been the most chronicled sportsman during the time Deadspin has run?2. "},"link":[{"rel":"replies","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http://www.epiccarnival.com/feeds/3712851013324653001/comments/default","title":"Post Comments"},{"rel":"replies","type":"text/html","href":"https://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID\u003d1549089718489651445\u0026postID\u003d3712851013324653001\u0026isPopup\u003dtrue","title":"1 Comments"},{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http://www.blogger.com/feeds/1549089718489651445/posts/default/3712851013324653001"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http://www.blogger.com/feeds/1549089718489651445/posts/default/3712851013324653001"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http://www.epiccarnival.com/2008/06/dear-mr-denton.html","title":"DEAR MR. DENTON"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"Simon"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"}}],"thr$total":{"xmlns$thr":"http://purl.org/syndication/thread/1.0","$t":"1"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1549089718489651445.post-7330025846477262201"},"published":{"$t":"2008-06-06T10:09:00.002-05:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2009-06-07T13:35:42.296-05:00"},"category":[{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"sports"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"NBA"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"NBA Playoffs"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"satire"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Celtics"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"letters"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"David Stern"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Simon"}],"title":{"type":"text","$t":"DEAR MR. STERN"},"summary":{"type":"text","$t":"by Simon, SimonOnSportsDear Mr. Stern,Hi Mr. Stern my name is Jimmy O'Hurley, but you can call me typical shit bag little Boston fan, I've got older f'n brothers so ya I fackin swear, deal with it my parents encourage me.  Like yesterday I told my teacher she must be related to Rusty Kuntz cause I can here her gears grindin every time she fackin walks to the chalk board.  Any way back to the "},"link":[{"rel":"replies","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http://www.epiccarnival.com/feeds/7330025846477262201/comments/default","title":"Post Comments"},{"rel":"replies","type":"text/html","href":"https://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID\u003d1549089718489651445\u0026postID\u003d7330025846477262201\u0026isPopup\u003dtrue","title":"0 Comments"},{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http://www.blogger.com/feeds/1549089718489651445/posts/default/7330025846477262201"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http://www.blogger.com/feeds/1549089718489651445/posts/default/7330025846477262201"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http://www.epiccarnival.com/2008/06/dear-mr-stern.html","title":"DEAR MR. STERN"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"Simon"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"}}],"thr$total":{"xmlns$thr":"http://purl.org/syndication/thread/1.0","$t":"0"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1549089718489651445.post-1659349403431725020"},"published":{"$t":"2008-05-27T15:11:00.001-05:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2008-09-29T14:17:34.064-05:00"},"category":[{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Playboy"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"sports"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Ashley Harkleroad"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"tennis"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"satire"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"letters"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Simon"}],"title":{"type":"text","$t":"DEAR TYPICAL HORNY MALE SPORTS FAN"},"summary":{"type":"text","$t":"by Simon, SimonOnSportsDear Typical Horny Male Sports Fan,You see these two tiny pink layers separating me from you, two tiny pieces of fabric restricting you from certain pleasure and forcing you to utilize that tricky imagination that you often are too lazy to put into gear.  Well fear not my friend as these layers which are the burden keeping female tennis from pulling Super Bowl ratings will "},"link":[{"rel":"replies","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http://www.epiccarnival.com/feeds/1659349403431725020/comments/default","title":"Post Comments"},{"rel":"replies","type":"text/html","href":"https://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID\u003d1549089718489651445\u0026postID\u003d1659349403431725020\u0026isPopup\u003dtrue","title":"0 Comments"},{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http://www.blogger.com/feeds/1549089718489651445/posts/default/1659349403431725020"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http://www.blogger.com/feeds/1549089718489651445/posts/default/1659349403431725020"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http://www.epiccarnival.com/2008/05/dear-typical-horny-male-sports-fan.html","title":"DEAR TYPICAL HORNY MALE SPORTS FAN"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"Simon"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"}}],"thr$total":{"xmlns$thr":"http://purl.org/syndication/thread/1.0","$t":"0"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1549089718489651445.post-7730325551981871213"},"published":{"$t":"2008-05-23T11:12:00.000-05:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2008-09-29T13:40:39.554-05:00"},"category":[{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"sports"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"NBA Draft"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"NBA"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Derrick Rose"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Bulls"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"letters"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Simon"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Mark Jackson"}],"title":{"type":"text","$t":"DEAR JOHN PAXSON"},"summary":{"type":"text","$t":"by Simon, SimonOnSportsDear John Paxson,Hey John I how have you been.  I just want to tell you that I came out of our interview thinking that we could do absolutely great things.  And I want to reiterate that I'm the man for the job.You know what is the best part of my candidacy?  I'm exactly the person Derrick Rose needs as a mentor to flourish in the NBA.  Derrick Rose is a premium talent, he "},"link":[{"rel":"replies","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http://www.epiccarnival.com/feeds/7730325551981871213/comments/default","title":"Post Comments"},{"rel":"replies","type":"text/html","href":"https://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID\u003d1549089718489651445\u0026postID\u003d7730325551981871213\u0026isPopup\u003dtrue","title":"0 Comments"},{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http://www.blogger.com/feeds/1549089718489651445/posts/default/7730325551981871213"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http://www.blogger.com/feeds/1549089718489651445/posts/default/7730325551981871213"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http://www.epiccarnival.com/2008/05/dear-john-paxson.html","title":"DEAR JOHN PAXSON"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"Simon"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"}}],"thr$total":{"xmlns$thr":"http://purl.org/syndication/thread/1.0","$t":"0"}},{"id":{"$t":"tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1549089718489651445.post-1235775927588103271"},"published":{"$t":"2008-05-09T10:55:00.000-05:00"},"updated":{"$t":"2008-09-29T13:42:14.578-05:00"},"category":[{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Giants (SF)"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"sports"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Barry Bonds"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"MLB"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"steroids"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"satire"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"letters"},{"scheme":"http://www.blogger.com/atom/ns#","term":"Simon"}],"title":{"type":"text","$t":"DEAR MAJOR LEAGUE GMS"},"summary":{"type":"text","$t":"by Simon, SimonOnSportsDear MLB GMs,Alright guys, this is getting old, we're over a month into the season and I still haven't gotten a single phone call. I called up Cingular just to make sure my phone was still in service and it is, so its not there fault.  The only one calling me is that little kid, see little kids love Barry Bonds, so why don't you.  Do you all not like children?  I mean, "},"link":[{"rel":"replies","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http://www.epiccarnival.com/feeds/1235775927588103271/comments/default","title":"Post Comments"},{"rel":"replies","type":"text/html","href":"https://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID\u003d1549089718489651445\u0026postID\u003d1235775927588103271\u0026isPopup\u003dtrue","title":"0 Comments"},{"rel":"edit","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http://www.blogger.com/feeds/1549089718489651445/posts/default/1235775927588103271"},{"rel":"self","type":"application/atom+xml","href":"http://www.blogger.com/feeds/1549089718489651445/posts/default/1235775927588103271"},{"rel":"alternate","type":"text/html","href":"http://www.epiccarnival.com/2008/05/dear-major-league-gms.html","title":"DEAR MAJOR LEAGUE GMS"}],"author":[{"name":{"$t":"Simon"},"email":{"$t":"noreply@blogger.com"}}],"thr$total":{"xmlns$thr":"http://purl.org/syndication/thread/1.0","$t":"0"}}]}});