by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
Jeez, first Raffy Palmeiro rats on him, then ESPN goes all 60 Minutes on his ass. Miggy, you should have never left Oakland!
11. Kept telling ESPN reporters to get off his lawn
10. Only will autograph large print baseballs
9. Losing range, hair, interest in new music
8. Becoming more forgetful about small things, like his true age
7. Interested in B-12 shots for gout and lumbago
6. Thinks he played with Cal Ripken and Alfredo Griffin
5. Makes sure to get lots of fiber from the post-game spread
4. Was happy with the trade from Baltimore to Houston, since he can't handle the cold very well anymore
3. Stories about his days with the A's keep getting longer and more pointless
2. Has started wearing an onion in his belt, which, you know, was the style at the time...
1. Now wearing his stirrups up around his armpits
Friday, April 18, 2008
TOP 11 SIGNS THAT MIGUEL TEJADA WAS OLDER THAN ADVERTISED
Monday, March 31, 2008
MLB SEASON PREVIEWS: THE REST OF THE TEAMS THAT NO OTHER CARNIE CARED ABOUT
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
Hey, unwanted foster fans of MLB-! It's your old hacky list monkey here to sow some cruelty on your meager hopes. Let's get on to the bloodletting!
Chicago White Sox
Good lord, you do know that Jose Contreras is older than Luis Tiant and it's not a federal offense to not start him, don't you? He's so bad, even the Ligues don't want to sully their hands on him. But that's OK, because you won a World Series in this century, which means you aren't due for another one, um, ever.
It'll be another season to forget as Mark Buehrle slowly fades into obsolescence, Javier Vazquez toils for no good reason, and the non-Bobby Jenks parts of the bullpen reenact the finer work of Mrs. O'Leary's cow.
It all adds up to 75 wins, 87 losses, and a return to your rightful place as the sad-sack second string in the Second City. And if you're wondering what's fueling the hate for your team when I still have fond feelings for Ozzie Guillen, Jim Thome, Bobby Jenks and Jermaine Dye, I have just two words for you... "He gone." Yes, your television announcers being an offense against humanity counts that much.
Seattle Mariners
Never has so few carried the dead weight of so many. Last year, the M's rode Ichiro, a growing amount of Adrian Beltre, two months of Raul Ibanez having a pulse, King Felix and a great pen led by JJ Putz to the first winning record since people thought that video footage of fish being thrown was novel. But they were doomed by the epic awfulness of Richie Sexson, the more ordinary awfulness of Jose Vidro, the world's most punchless DH, and a back half of the rotation that managed to have horrible numbers in a pitcher's park, with a good defense, and a great bullpen. That takes talent, really.
This year, expect a slightly more deluxe version of the same. Felix and Bedard give them two possible aces and the dreaded "Dangerous In A Short Series" monicker, but the bully can't be as good again, and they still give the ball to numbnuts like Jarrod Washburn and Jeff Weaver.
So let's call it 85 wins, many of them coming from the AAAA shows going on in Oakland and Texas. In the immortal words of noted philosopher-king Derrick Coleman, Whoop De Damn Doo.
Houston Astros
Is it over yet? Has Craig Biggio really retired, or is it all a cruel tease, so that the prevailing memory of one of the best second basemen to ever play the game can continue to be his Pete Rose Lite act to hurt the team for a record?
No, the coast looks clear. Phew.
Now, the 'Stros hope for a rebirth from suspected Roid Achiever Miguel Tejada, and cloning from Roy Oswalt. One of the worst farm systems in the majors won't help much, and nor will the over-exposure of Michael Bourn in center.
It helps that the division is Comedy Central, and that the bullpen should be better, so long as Jose Valverde can stay healthy. (Hearty laughter goes here.) But they'd need way too much offense from a team that seems incapable of putting a bullet in Brad Ausmus's head.
Tragic 8-ball says... 76 wins, 86 losses, many satisfying naps.
Milwaukee Brewers
You know, I had a really in-depth piece in mind for this intriguing collection of talent... but then I dropped my laptop while smacking myself in the head.
Then, while trying to fix the laptop, I set the cat on fire while generating a sports hernia.
In other words, I pulled a Brewer!
This year, the team has vowed not to lose with the jaw-dropping defense of Ryan Braun at third. Instead, they'll play Bill Hall there, have Braun graze in left, swap out Braun in the late innings with people who don't regard catching the baseball as rocket science, and have Tony Gwynn's non-hitting kid try to make center, well, go better than when Hall was there.
Prince Fielder's still here to mash, and if Sheets, Gallardo and Co. stay healthy without watching the gloves cost them up to 6 wins a year... well, maybe.
And then they go and ruin the whole thing with Eric Gagne. Yikes. Let's call it...83-79 and watching the playoffs just like you and me.
Tomorrow -- the Cards, Rockies and Padres wrap it all up. Try to contain your excitement!
Friday, February 15, 2008
FROM THE GREAT WHITE NORTH: INTRODUCING THE ROCKET SURGEONS
by E. Spencer Kyte, Bugs and Cranks
Rocket Surgeon (noun): someone who from all outside appearance looks like they are incredibly gifted in their chosen field but in actuality is a complete and utter moron.
As sports fans, we're fortunate enough to be witness to countless Rocket Surgeons. Here are some recent noteworthy examples...
Kelvin Sampson, Head Coach, Indiana University Men's Basketball Team (for now)
You're the head man of one of the biggest, most storied basketball programs in the country. An entire state lives and dies with the success of your team. You have a clause in your contract that specifies that if you commit the same recruiting violations which you have already been fined an exorbitant amount of money for in the past you're going to get fired. What do you do? Genius... pure genius.
Ed Wade, General Manager, Houston Astros
Even people who don't follow baseball knew Miguel Tejada's name was going to show up in the Mitchell Report. So what do you do? You ship a decent outfielder (Luke Scott), a couple of pitching prospects (Troy Patton, Matt Albers) and two more players to Baltimore for him THE DAY BEFORE THE MITCHELL REPORT COMES OUT!
Did you have plans the next day or something? As a GM, chances are you were waiting to hear the results of the Mitchell Investigation, were you not? I mean jesus! It's not that hard is it?
Chris Wallace, General Manager, Memphis Grizzlies
The Gasol Trade was awful. AWFUL. You already had two point guards (Conley and Lowry), so you didn't need Crittendon and telling everyone Marc Gasol is one of the best big men in Spain doesn't matter to anyone. Freddie Weis was one of the best big men in Europe when the Knicks drafted him and we all know what happened to him. (Side Note: I still hate Vince Carter for quitting on the Raptors... but this is the sickest dunk of all-time!)
Picking up Michael Jordan's Rocket Science Moment (Kwame Brown) is okay because it gives you cap room after the season and the picks are nice, except that some of us remember the last time you had a handful of first round picks. Boston, 2001 Draft. Kedrick Brown before Richard Jefferson, Troy Murphy, Zach Randolph and Brendan Haywood. Joe Forte before Gerald Wallace, Samuel Dalembert, Jamaal Tinsley, Tony Parker, Agent Zero and Memo Okur.
Have fun rebuilding Memphis. Wait until you see what he gets you for Kyle Lowry or Mike Miller! Hope you like Canned Ham...
Mats Sundin, Center, Toronto Maple Leafs
Really? You can pretty much pick the Stanley Cup contender you want to play for over the next couple of months, potentially collect and ring and still return to Toronto in the off season when your contract is up and you don't want to waive your no trade clause?
That's really sweet and noble of you Mats, but it's a lot like the band on the Titanic continuing to play after the whole iceberg incident. "Nothing to panic about folks. Who wants to hear some more swing music? Hit it boys!"
Rob Babcock, Former General Manager, Toronto Raptors
2004 NBA Draft, 8th Pick: Rafael Araujo.
Notable Selections following Araujo: AI2, Andris Biedrins, Al Jefferson, Josh Smith, hell even JR Smith. Do I need to keep going?
2005 NBA Draft, 16th Pick: Joey Graham
Notable Selections following Graham: how about Danny Granger at 17? Right now, I would take any of Jarrett Jack, Francisco Garcia, Jason Maxiell, David Lee, Monta Ellis, Andrey Blatche or Ryan Gomes over Joey G.
Oh yeah, if you're still wondering why Minnesota got so little in the Kevin Garnett deal, it's not just because Kevin McHale wanted to help out his buddy Danny Ainge. Babcock is the team's Assistant General Manager.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
LEAGUE CHAMPIONSHIP RINGS: 2001-2006
by Richie Rich, Home Run Derby
So two weeks ago, we took a stroll into the jewelers and looked at some rings. World Series Championship rings, to be exact. The Ultimate in Baseball Bling.
But I’m kinda cheap. I don’t have the scratch for a World Series Ring. So I asked if there was anything … uh … a little less expensive. You know, maybe some Cubic Zirconia or some Diamonoids or something?
Turns out there is … League Championship Rings! Because for some reason, players get a ring if they lose the World Series.
In reverse order …
2006 - Detroit Tigers
Whoa. That’s pretty sharp.
White Gold with a huge “D” made of Blue Sapphire set on a field of plenty of Diamonds. This piece of bling could easily pass for a World Series Ring.
I think I like this ring more than the Cardinals 2006 World Series Ring. Then again, the Cardinals’ ring says “World Series Champion” on it. This one doesn’t.
2005 - Houston Astros
The designs is similar to the Tigers ring, but this has Minimal diamonds on a stone setting.
I think this ring looks more like what the loser of the World Series should get. Especially if they got swept - like the Astros did.
Something which says, “nice try, but try harder next year.”
2004 - St. Louis Cardinals
There’s a definite drop in quality when you compare this ring to the Boston Red Sox Championship Ring from the same year.
As there should be.
The Ruby Cardinal is cool, but it’s a little cartoonish compared to the Cardinals’ 2006 World Series Ring with the interlocking STL.
2003 - New York Yankees
Yuck. That thing is hideous. And not in a good way like the Marlins’ monstrous WS Ring from the same year.
I would have thought the Yankees knew how to make a decent looking ring … but after 39 opportunities to make a ring (26 World Series Championships and 13 AL Championships) maybe they were out of ideas or something.
Then again, maybe the Boss wanted to commemorate the Yankees’ second World Series loss to an expansion team in three years with that piece of garbage.
2002 - San Francisco Giants
Simple.
This is what a loser’s ring should be. Simple.
Even so, the interlocking diamond “SF” looks sharp contrasted against the black onyx base. It’s the only ring Barry Bonds ever received in his six playoff appearances. It’s the only one he ever will.
2001 - New York Yankees
Okay, so I couldn’t find a picture of the ring anywhere. So you’ll have to settle for the box it came in. My guess is that it was less than awe-inspiring, considering the look of the 2003 Yankees’ ALC Ring and the fact that the Yankees probably don’t commemorate World Series losses with something you’d be proud to wear. Which is the way it should be.
CLICK HERE TO VOTE!
(Originally published 9/19)
Friday, August 10, 2007
The Noblest Of Causes
by OMDQ, One More Dying Quail
(Kudos to the fantastic Plunk Biggio for inspiring this craptastic stream of consciousness)
Friends, fellow Carnies, random readers - for days, there has been much gnashing of the teeth and rending of the garments over Barry Bonds and what many consider to be his illegal snatching of the cherished homerun record from the 73-year-old arms of he esteemed Henry Louis Aaron.
Right or wrong, like it or not, Bonds has the record, and will continue to hold it close to his massive man-chest until the day comes when Alex Rodriguez, Albert Pujols or some other Good Samaritan arrives to rip it away and hold it aloft as he mounts his white horse and delivers it back to those from which it was stolen.
Until then, friend, fellow carnies, and random readers, there is a far more noble cause behind which we all ought throw our love and support. As you probably know, Houston Astros stalwart Craig Biggio, he of the tiny body and huge batting helmet, is planning to retire at the end of this season. He will do so with the knowledge that he did the best he could while he was stuck in that place. Had as much fun as he could while he was stuck in that place. Played as hard as he could while he was stuck in that place. Dogged as many girls as he could while he was stuck in that place.
But what you may not realize is that Craig Biggio is on the verge of history the likes of which Barry Bonds can only dream about. Forget homeruns. Forget walks. Forget runs scored. With dusk falling on a two decade career, the ultimate team player finds himself chasing the ultimate team mark: most times hit by a pitched ball in a major league career.
Think about it: what could possibly be more noble, more awe-inspiring, more useful to the team than allowing yourself to be hit by a sphere that is travelling upwards of 90 miles per hour? What act can possibly compare? A sacrifice? A nice thought, but it results in an out. A base on balls? Same result, minus the pain. No, nothing compares to being hit by a pitch. This is why Craig Biggio is hunting this record the way Ahab hunted the great white whale, the way Quint hunted Jaws, the way Dick Cheney hunted Harry Whittington. He is stalking it quietly, content to hang back in the shadows until the time is right and he is able to pounce and make it his (!) and his alone.
But alas, Biggio cannot do it alone. He must rely on the kindness of others to help him along his way, and much like pitchers who refused to give Barry Bonds good pitches en route to homerun number 756, he is being toyed with by gods who deal thunderbolts from up on high and decline - nay, refuse - to come inside just a bit, to throw that breaking ball that doesn't break, but instead hangs on the inside corner, waiting breathlessly for an arm or a leg to pop out of nowhere and stop it's path.
Craig Biggio needs our help, friends, Carnies, and random readers. He needs us to raise our voices and speak out against the outrage that is being perpetrated against his, the noblest quest in all of sports. Raise our voices and speak out against pitchers who give him far too many good pitches to hit - make them come inside early and often. Raise our voices against the Houston Astros, who refuse to play him every day - stop the conspiracy and allow him to finish his career high atop the mountain, even if it costs the team success in the short run. Raise our voices against the media, which refuses to afford this record chase the same prestige as the one conducted by Bonds just days ago - televise Astros games, ESPN. Do live cut-ins to Biggio's at-bats. Allow it to dominate 85% of your daily programming until the record is broken!
One voice has been raised thus far, a lone voice in the wilderness of sadness and fear. Plunk Biggio is a beacon of warmth in an otherwise cold land, a stern ombudsman-like presence that refuses to yield hope until all avenues have been exhausted, until all games have been played. Some people say they are doing the Lord's work, yet they do nothing. The good men and women of Plunk Biggio perpetuate no such falsehoods.
Three more, friends. Three more times that Craig Biggio must stand in front of a speeding baseball and allow it to bounce off his body in exchange for a free base. Three more times he must do this in order for his legend to be complete. Raise your voices, and assure that it happens.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Keith Law Hates You and Your Trades
by Kyle Smith, Doberman on the Diamond
Keith Law is an interesting guy. Many people seem to hate him, because he writes like his shit doesn't stink. Still, he's amusing to read, whether or not you agree with what he says.
His trade scorecard at ESPN.com is a pretty good example. Let's just say he didn't exactly agree with all of the moves that were made.
- San Francisco Giants trade SP Matt Morris to Pittsburgh Pirates for OF Rajai Davis
Law's take: "Another year, another bizarre acquisition by the Pirates. But while last year's move to get Shawn Chacon was puzzling, acquiring Matt Morris is inexcusable ... There's no justification for this trade ... they just handicapped themselves for the next two years ... The Pirates are going nowhere right now, and with this deal, they're not going anywhere in the near future, either.
- Texas Rangers trade RP Eric Gagne to Boston Red Sox for LHP Kason Gabbard, OF David Murphy and OF Engel Beltre
Law's take: "In exchange, the Rangers got ... stuff."
- Kansas City Royals trade RP Octavio Dotel to Atlanta Braves for SP Kyle Davies
Law's take: "The Royals get ex-prospect Kyle Davies ... Davies has been awful in over 200 big-league innings, with no indication that he's getting any better ... His fastball command is still poor, his control hasn't been good since he was in Double-A ... The only thing his average changeup does for him is ensure that lefties don't hit him any harder than righties do ... I'm not sure what the Royals see in Davies ... this is a major letdown for Royal fans."
- San Diego Padres trade RP Scott Linebrink to Milwaukee Brewers for RHP Will Inman, LHP Steve Garrison and LHP Joe Thatcher
Law's take: "neither of (Linebrink's) secondary pitches is a plus ... It's hard to see how he's going to help Milwaukee's bullpen ... The Brewers gave up a lot to acquire 20 innings or so of a guy who's pitched very poorly in favorable circumstances this year."
- Minnesota Twins trade 2B Luis Castillo to New York Mets for C Drew Butera and OF Dustin Martin
Law's take: "Castillo is a one-dimensional player whose game revolves around his speed ... His speed has already started to decline ... he can't even turn on average fastballs ... his range at second base, never great, is now poor ... He's the antithesis of everything the Omar Minaya's Mets do as an offensive club ... once his speed is gone, he'll be close to a replacement-level player."
- Houston Astros trade Dan Wheeler to Tampa Bay Devil Rays for 3B Ty Wigginton
Law's take: "We now have our first head-scratcher of this year's market, since I have zero idea what Houston was thinking ... Wigginton is a terrible defensive third baseman who doesn't get on base (and) isn't young ... the Astros just traded one year of Wheeler, a good reliever with experience as a closer, for two years of Wigginton, a player without a position and who has mediocre offensive skills."
Monday, July 16, 2007
Is There a Hugh Jass Here?
by Eric Horowitz, ShakedownSports
For a young left-hander like Wandy Rodriguez, there's a lot to learn about pitching in the big leagues. In a short time he must learn how to pitch inside, how to use his changeup, and perhaps most importantly, how to use an alias at a hotel so he doesn't get prank called at 4 a.m. the night before a start.
It's nice that the caller had the decency to give Rodriguez an explanation for being sent down, although he could've be more specific than "your ERA is too high," which I assume is how the Yankees explained to Kei Igawa that they were sending him down.About 10 hours before he was scheduled to start against the Chicago Cubs, Rodriguez received a message from a man claiming to be a representative of the Astros' organization.
"You have been sent down. Your ERA is too high," Rodriguez remembers the man saying. "Sorry, Wandy. Sorry, Wandy. You have a flight at 6:15 a.m. to Round Rock, so don't miss it."
Unlike most of his teammates, Rodriguez didn't register under an alias. He said he will use one now.
Fellow Astros Eric Munson and Dave Borkowski also forgot to use aliases and were prank called. And just in case you think this was all a victimless little episode of adolescent hooliganism, Borkowski's in-laws, two innocent bystanders staying at the team hotel, also received early morning phone calls. It's all just more proof that when you're related to the one and only Dave Borkowski, it can be hard to keep the common folk from bothering you.
The Ugliest Uniforms in Sports Today
by Kyle Smith, Doberman on the Diamond
We are all familiar with the historically ugly uniforms donned by sports franchises. The rainbow-striped Houston Astros get-up. The Vancouver Canucks of the 1970's. But what about today? Which teams are sporting uni's that make you simply wonder, "why?"
San Diego Padres
What color is this? Yellow? Brown? Some combination of both? These uniforms make the Pads look like their equipment man washed them in a sewer. It's too bad, because all of their other uniforms are really nice, including the camouflage jerseys, which are an homage to the military bases in the city.
Nashville Kats
Do not put two shades of the same color as the focal point of the attire. It is understandable that the AFL wants to be different and establish it's own identity, but this is a failure. The team looks like it is headed for an AFL gay pride parade after the game. Powder blue is a difficult color to pull off, and it needs to be the centerpiece of a uniform, like the San Diego Chargers.
Rio Grande Valley Killer Bees
The team, which plays in the Central Hockey League, chose an, um, interesting concoction. Vomit yellow is the main color, surrounded by shiny blue. Oh, well. At least they are better than their other uniforms, which take the bee name a little too seriously.
Oregon Ducks
In the past, I had always liked the myriad of Oregon Ducks uniforms. The color combinations were cool, and they seemed to pull off the dark green and yellow really well. Until they started wearing this thing. If they changed a few things, it could still be a nice uniform. But, what the hell are those dots on the arms and knees? And why do the numbers look like they were drawn on the jersey by a kindergartener?
Every speed skating uniform
Seriously, we don't need to see all of that. And good thing they have sunglasses. It's awful bright at skating rinks.
Male figure skating outfits
I'm not sure there's a whole lot that needs to be said here.
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