by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
So much better, in fact, that you'll want to email me at dmt shooter at gmail dot com to claim one of the few remaining slots in my league, the Leather Crown Cult. (No, seriously.) Now, on to the list.
11. Points, not head to head. So you were really excited about winning your matchup because your field goal kicker hit a last-second... sorry, I passed out in the middle of your hypothetical, because it was SO FREAKING MEANINGLESS. Play for points, forget your small sample size silliness, and accept the idea that the best team should, you know, actually win. A pox on your H2H.
10. It's an auction. If you like serpentine drafts, you probably also like cuddling and just being friends. Step up and play a man's game, people. You do not have Mad Drafting Skillz because you had the foresight to win the first pick drafting position and take that Tomlinson guy. In my world, if you want LDT, you're going to spend hard to get him, and run the risk of not having enough to be competitive on the rest of your squad. So sac up already.
9. Keep your redrafts. This is Keeper League. Enough with living and dying with a guy for one regular season, then tossing him aside and flushing the whole thing for next year. In keeper leagues, you can taste that sweet low money bid luckout for years to come, and have the guy that you missed by a buck haunt you for years. That's good drama!
8. The right amount of money. Guys that play for free... I'm thinking they also scrapbook. Guys that play for huge jack are probably getting a visit from a loan shark at some point. You want enough buy-in to ensure that no one stops trying (the keeper league aspect helps there), and that the check at the end of the year is worthwhile. More or less than that, pass.
7. No fees. Leagues that charge for transactions are UnAmerican, dammit. (Besides, if you do a keeper league, add/dropping scrubs that you can't keep next year gets a lot less attractive.)
6. Live and in-person draft. There is no substitute for the best day of the year to be a nerd; for this, I will brook no argument. Being trapped in a room with your fellow degenerates for hours on end, cracking highly offensive jokes at each other's expense, and just wallowing in the timewaste... it's pure, it's uncut, it should not be missed. And your online drafts are infant strength in comparison.
5. An Honest to God War Room. My Man Space comes equipped with the Throne seen above, and is also below the earth. You will get in touch with your inner cave man, and you will tell your spouse that there is no cell phone reception down here. (There is, of course, but she doesn't need to know that.)
4. Throne Bidding. See that throne? It's in the Man Space. It's Gold, Bitches. I can die like Elvis now. So can you, though I'd much rather you didn't. You can also stick your hand out of the curtain and bid on Jeremy Shockey, while producing your own Jeremy Shockey. That's Class!
3. Production Values. Big Board? Of course. Board Babe? That would be telling. Fog machine? Check. Strobe lights? Got it. Theater sound system to pump out your entrance music? That's just how we ride, dog. Spend the time from now until the draft obsessing about what's really important -- your team name and entrance music. Aw Yeah.
2. Utter shamelessness. By now, I think you've gotten a bit of the point of the Leather Crown Cult, but for the mouth breathers, let me spell this out simply. If you're going to be a big fantasy sports nerd, just own it. Don't pretend to be casual just to give yourself a fallback position for your team sucking.
LCC owners know that they're going to spend an afternoon neck-deep in timewaste; we're not going daintily into that pool. We're tucking in the legs, jumping off the high board, and trying to push all of the water out with a truly epic cannonball. Dainty ain't shit.
1. Dork Artifact. And the piece de resistance... an actual, physical trophy. I'd show the Leather Crown to you, but the concentration of that much Total Awesomeness in one blog post could easily shut down the Internets. Just know that if you join my league, you will see it, touch it, and dream of one day walking down the street wearing it on your head, just to see how many random women lunge out of their homes and cars to service you sexually. Because it's just that damn cool. (You will, of course, never own the Crown, as I will crush you. But you are permitted to dream. For now.)
Feel free to ping me for an invite, or attempt to take some of these ideas for your own league. (It will still not be as good as mine, but it will at least have Partial Awesomeness.)
You're with DMt in Leather...
Thursday, July 17, 2008
TOP 11 REASONS WHY MY FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE IS BETTER THAN YOURS
Saturday, May 10, 2008
YOU COULD POKE AN EYE OUT!
by Sooze, Babes Love Baseball
Dangerous projectiles in the big leagues have become more frequent with the growing popularity of maple bats.
Barry Bonds hit his controversial 73-homer season in 2001 using a maple bat, and now roughly half of all hitters prefer them to ash. The players claim they result in better performance, but according to University of Massachusetts-Lowell research, both have equal trajectory on the ball.
There are two major disparities, however. First, maples are like, $20 more expensive. Second, while ash bats crack, maple bats snap and shatter into sharp splintered pieces. This can create a potential danger for pitchers, infielders and base coaches. And I guess fans.
However, I think it creates a more exciting environment. It's like Xtreme Baseball! Where everyone who comes within 90 feet of the plate endangers their lives! This would indeed spike ticket sales, especially for those hard-to-fill seats in Dolphin Stadium.
I say, let them have maple.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
D II IS THE [BASKET]BALLS: THE FINALE
The Winona State Warriors have taken back the Division II basketball crown, after defeating Augusta State 87-76 Saturday.
Most of us back in Winona don't remember how or when we got home last night, but one thing we do recall is the unsettled feeling during the first half.
Buckets were dropping left and right for Augusta, who led by 12 at the break. Winona State watched the margin grow to 16 with 17:25 left to play, finding themselves climbing the same come-from-behind mountain from the two previous wins.
After a series of steals, boards and poor execution on the part of Augusta, the Warriors took the lead to 64-63 with a John Smith three-pointer at the 7:40 mark. Their biggest gap of the night came with 1:27 remaining at 82-70, but the nerves of WSU fans everywhere were sketchy.
We know it takes less than 45 seconds to lose a 7-point lead.
However, Winona State prevailed. Sophomore guard Jonte Flowers, named Most Outstanding Player of the tournament, finished with 30 points, while Smith scored eighteen. Travis Whipple contributed 13 points and Quincy Henderson netted a double-double with 10 points and 10 rebounds.
Way to go, guys!
Friday, March 28, 2008
D II IS THE [BASKET]BALLS
by Sooze, Babes Love Baseball
So, in case you've been in a coma for the past three years (and if so, welcome back) Winona State is on the hunt for redemption.
The 37-1 Warriors -- who are known not for their 2006 Division II Championship or 57 consecutive wins, but for their 2007 Choke -- are on the comeback trail, having advanced to the NCAA Division II Championship game for the third consecutive year.
The previously unbeaten Bentley State led by as many as nine points in the first half Thursday night, but Winona State answered with an 18-11 second-half run with just under 14:00 left to play. Bentley knocked down seven more, but the Warriors countered with nine straight to take the lead and never look back.
Center John Smith led the scoring with 22 points and Jonte Flowers, little brother of Sweet 16-playing, Wisconsin Badgers guard Michael Flowers, added 20.
The 86-75 victory marked Winona State's 31st win in a row, while a win over Augusta State this Saturday would give the Warriors their second National Championship in three years.
These kids may not be in your office pool bracket, but they're fricking awesome to watch.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
CAN I GET A FIST PUMP?
by Sooze, Babes Love Baseball
Tiger Woods said a naughty word Monday. This is indeed National news, as people are still discussing it two and three days later.
"The next time a photographer shoots an [effing] picture I'm going to break his [effing] neck," said the pissed-off phenom.Please, baby Jesus, let Tiger Woods break someone's effing neck at the Masters next month. Pretty please?
I do feel for Tiger though. Ever have a buddy crack open an ice cold PBR on your back swing? Totally screws up your entire day.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO SAY THIS: FOR SHIZZLE
by Sooze, Babes Love Baseball
117 holes.
47 birdies.
2 eagles.
Tiger Woods cannot be stopped. Sunday marked his 63rd PGA Tour victory, commandeering fourth place from Arnold Palmer. You're next, Ben Hogan.
Fist pump!
Carry on.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
WHAT WOULD KIMBO DO?
by Sooze, Babes Love Baseball
Ever find yourself feeling helpless, afraid or like you've suddenly become someone's bitch? Ask yourself, what would street-fighting, internet sensation Kimbo Slice do?
Check out Episode II here.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
THAT WAS AWESOME
by Sooze, Babes Love Baseball
I'm really looking forward to the Tank Abbott autobiography, which may have had its last chapter written Saturday night.
Tank and Kimbo Slice: both scary dudes who I wouldn't cross in a dark alley if I were made of steel and wielding two machetes, rumbled last night for just 43 seconds. It didn't take long for the street-fighting internet sensation, now 2-0, to hand out the piss-pounding with a few hard blows to the melon before a straight right sent the 42-year-old UFC legend face-first to the floor.
Abbott, who slid to 9-14, may or may not be retarded.
Also, lookin' good, Goldberg.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
YEP. STILL AWESOME.
by Sooze, Babes Love Baseball
Brett Favre has officially passed for more yards than any other quarterback in NFL history, eclipsing Dan Marino on the all-time list with a seven-yard lob to long-time receiver, Donald Driver.
Heading into Sunday's game against the St. Louis Rams, he needed 183 yards to break Marino's mark of 61,361 and has now thrown for roughly 35 miles in his career. Favre finished the 33-14 victory completing 19-of-30 passes for 227 yards with 2 TDs and 2 interceptions, bringing the Packers' record to 12-2 and clinching a first-round bye.
Add that to his spankin' new league records for most career wins and most career TD passes -- and yes, most picks -- you have yet another reason why he is the best to ever play the game.
Favre is to football what Oprah is to middle-aged housewives. If he ran for President, you can bet he'd win.
SPURLOCK MAKES HISTORY, ROBOT NAMED
by Sooze, Babes Love Baseball
There aren't many things that have never, ever happened in the history of football.
This afternoon, Tampa Bay Buccaneers receiver Micheal Spurlock returned a first-quarter kick 90 yards for a touchdown to give his team a 14-3 lead over the Atlanta Falcons.
It took 1,865 attempts over 32 seasons, but the Bucs have finally scored on a kickoff return. For the first time. Ever.
Way to go, guys!
In other NFL news, that retarded FOX Sports robot finally has a name. The special winner of the Name the Robot Contest on FoxSports.com -- who will be revealed and ridiculed next weekend -- has dubbed the mech Cleatus.
The name "Cleatus" is of Greek origin, meaning "invoked", as in bringing into existence magically. Example: Cleatus magically makes me want to punch myself in the face.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
BRETT FAVRE ROCKS MY GREEN AND GOLD SOCKS
by Sooze, Babes Love Baseball
Did you know... Brett Favre is awesome? Well, if this is the first you've heard of this wonderful news in the world of football and Men I'd Do, then pick up a copy of the Dec 10 Sports Illustrated.
Favre's all-encompassing badassery has earned him the 2007 SI Sportsman of the Year Award.
His rocket arm has led the blossoming, playoff-bound Green Bay Packers to an impressive 10-2 record with the NFC North division title in clear sight. As of Week 13, Favre is on pace to surpass his career marks in completion percentage, yards passing and fewest interceptions per attempts, completing 67.4% of his passes for 3,412 yards with 22 TDs and 10 picks. It's turning out to be one of the sweetest seasons of his 17-year career.
It's been a record year for the 38-year-old legend, as well. Having started a quarterback-best 249 consecutive games -- no doubt he'll suit up this Sunday against Oakland, too -- he's passed Dan Marino on the career touchdown passes and pass attempts list and is 450 yards away from breaking Marino's career mark of 61,361 yards.
Favre joins Terry Bradshaw (1979), Joe Montana (1990) and Tom Brady (2005) as the only quarterbacks to be honored in the 53-year history of the award, given to an athlete who symbolizes the ideals of sportsmanship.
But to the good folks of Wisconsin, Favre is more than just a QB. Donald Driver, who's caught bullets from the Gunslinger for nine seasons now, summed it up quite nicely.
"He means everything to these people. He's not only our leader -- he's the symbol of the franchise, of the whole town. There's a generation of fans in Green Bay who don't know this team ever existed without Brett."
If that's not enough Favre-fellatio for you, share in this joyous union until you vomit and then refer to the next NBC Sports NFL broadcast. Also, be sure to buy your copy of the Dec. 10 Sports Illustrated asap, frame it, and mount it somewhere that you'll be able to gaze at it as often as possible, like above your toilet or on your wife's back.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
COLT BRENNAN FOR PRESIDENT
by Sooze, Babes Love Baseball
Ankle injury? Colt Brennan knows not of pain.
In a Brett Favre-esque performance on a wet and muddy evening -- highlighted by 545 passing yards and 4 interceptions -- Brennan led the No. 16 Hawaii Warriors to a thrilling comeback over the San Jose State Spartans, rallying from a 14-point deficit in the final four minutes of their first nationally-televised game.
Completing 44 of a WAC record 74 pass attempts, Brennan extended his streak of consecutive games with a touchdown pass to 32.
He orchestrated the tying touchdown on a 2-yard run with 31 seconds left in regulation before throwing an 8-yard TD pass to Jason Rivers on the first OT possession to give the Warriors a 42-35 victory and a glimmer of hope for a BCS bid with representatives from the Fiesta Bowl in the house.
Hawaii is 4-0 in the WAC and 7-0 overall, off to their best start since 1981.
I can't wait to see this kid in the NFL.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
JESPER PARNEVIK IS AWESOME AT GOLF
by Sooze, Babes Love Baseball
The guy generally sucks at dressing himself, but not today!
Sans mis-matched pastel attire and flipped bill, the sweet-swinging Swede certainly has my undivided attention this weekend.
Four months after jamming his foot into a full case of beer on his boat and stubbing his toe, Jesper Parnevik shot a 9-under 61 this afternoon -- using both feet -- a career best that opened up a four-stroke lead after the first round of the Texas Open.
Beginning the day with a bogey, he birdied the next eight of eleven holes. Jesper went on to birdie his final two holes as well, giving himself a nice shot at winning his sixth PGA Tour title and first since 2001.
With one 19-foot putt topped by a 25-footer in the middle of the round, Parnevik had nine one-putts in all, along with an impressive chip-in. But at 138th on the money list, he'll have to keep the ball rolling this weekend to get within the Top 125 and keep his Tour card.
My only curiosity is the banishment of the bicyclist hat and hot pink trousers... has it helped his game? Is he still eating volcanic dust as a dietary supplement?
Monday, September 3, 2007
Pedro is Back and Still Awesome
by Sooze, Babes Love Baseball
In his long-anticipated season debut, Pedro Martinez became just the 15th pitcher in big league history to join the elite 3,000 Strikeout Club.
The veteran righty needed only 2 K's coming into today's game against the Cincinnati Reds at Great American Ball Park, and got them both in the second.
Scott Hatteberg struck out on a foul tip to lead off the 1-2-3 inning and opposing pitcher Aaron Harang went down swinging to end it.
The 35-year-old Martinez, who underwent rotator cuff surgery last October, shaved a little off his fastball, with his first three pitches registering in the lower 80's. After giving up a pair of runs, he settled down and threw back-to-back peas to Javier Valentin that registered at 88-89mph.
Martinez finished with 76 pitches (one over his limit) over five good innings. He fanned four and surrendered 3 runs -- 2 earned -- on 5 hits, getting the win with four solid innings from the relief corps for a 10-4 victory.
Welcome back, Pedro!
Sunday, September 2, 2007
I Want to be Clay Buchholz for a Day
by OMDQ, One More Dying Quail
After the third inning, I thought to myself, "Hmm...Buchholz hasn't allowed a hit yet."
After the fifth inning, I looked at my father and said, "The kid's got a good game going."
After the sixth inning, I looked at my father again and said, "He has to be getting nervous."
After the seventh inning, I said, "If Buchholz finishes this, he owes Dustin Pedroia a beer or thirty."
After the eighth inning, my wife said to Julio Lugo, "DO NOT LOOK AT HIM, JULIO! DON'T YOU DARE!"
After the ninth inning, I said to no one in particular, "Papi, take your hands off of Clay's ass. He doesn't love you that way, even if you did just pitch a no-hitter."
And then I applauded, watched Tina Cervasio interview the awkward maestro who had just dazzled the Baltimore Orioles for nine innings and 27 outs, and wished I could know - if only for a moment - what it felt like to be 23-years-old and have 35,000 people screaming my name and standing on their feet to cheer my every move and loving me so unconditionally that it nearly reduced me to tears.
Congratulations, Clay. Welcome to Red Sox lore.
Photo: Yahoo! Sports/AP, Winslow Townson
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Bill Murray Doesn't Take No Stinking Breath Tests
"He refused to blow in the (breath test) instrument, citing American legislation," Holmlund told The Associated Press on Wednesday. "So we applied the old method — a blood test. It will take 14 days before the results are in." Murray apparently drove the golf cart to the trendy Cafe Opera nightclub, less than a mile away, and was pulled over on his way back to the hotel. Nilsmark said the vehicle wasn't intended for guests but added: "I don't hold any grudge against Bill Murray for borrowing our cart for a while." 
by Davey, Blown Coverage
You might have heard about Bill Murray's little incident over in Sweden, where he cruised through downtown Stockholm in a golf cart and then refused to take a breath test. When normal folk like you and me attempt a stunt like this, we get kicked in the genitals and sent to the slammer, where we'd spend our days trying not to get donkey-punched.
When Bill Murray does something like this, parents use it as an example for their kids on how to be cool and not get beat up at school for being a stupid dork.Police officers spotted the "Caddyshack" star early Monday in the slow-moving vehicle and noticed he smelled of alcohol when they pulled him over, said Detective-Inspector Christer Holmlund of the Stockholm police.
It will actually take longer than 14 days to get the results because the scientists have never in fact handled blood that had such a high "awesome factor".
The golf cart had been on display for a week outside the downtown hotel where Murray and other VIPs attending the Scandinavian Masters golf tournament, were staying, tournament head Fredrik Nilsmark said.
Of course you don't hold a grudge against Bill, Frederick. Holding a grudge against Murray is like holding a grudge against a chain-smoking, karate fighting, ninja raccoon. It's just not possible. Murray could walk into my house and punch my mother in the uterus and I'd probably just scold her for not offering him a nice, cold drink.
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