by GMoney, The Money Shot
I'm not going to lie to all of the fine Epic Carnival readers out there...I like the Celebrity Softball Game played over the All-Star break. It only takes up an hour of my time, the announcers are having fun, and rich people completely embarrass themselves. This year, other than the former baseball players, we got a heavy dose of New York natives when it came to the celebrity portion of the rosters. Who could ever forget that picturesque double-play executed by former Yankee, Billy Crystal, and Whoopi Goldberg?
But, alas, it's time to turn the page on this year's game (8-7 win by the NL, at least they win something!). Next year, the All-Star game heads to St. Louis for some high-humidity action. It's time to take a look at the potential Missour-a celebs that could be participating in this event in 2009.
Scott Bakula - Major League: Back to the Minors anyone???
Linda Blair - she can mimic Luis Tiant with only her head
Don Cheadle - Hope he keeps that God awful British accent of his at home
Jenna Fischer - I totally want to touch her
John Goodman - have you seen him recently, imagine if Mike Golic was tied to another Mike Golic
Eddie Griffin - All-Star week needs some anti-white humor
Don Johnson - Nash Bridges!
Brad Pitt - if he takes a break from adopting kids/donating sperm
David Koechner - Champ Kind!
Vincent Price - I don't care if he's been dead for 15 years
Burt Bacharach - Ladies and gentleman, Mr. Burt Bacharach
Chuck Berry - just keep an eye on him when he's in the bathroom
Nelly - face band-aid is optional
David Cook - for the kids
Wow, this truly could be a star-studded affair next year. Ah, who am I kidding? The celebrity all-star game peaked in 1994 (with me in attendance) when the great Meat Loaf was PWNING the competition. It will never be the same. Nothing could ever top Bat Out Of Hell destroying Pittsburgh. But I'll still watch and hope that one day Mr. Loaf will once again take the field.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
PREVIEWING THE 2009 CELEBRITY SOFTBALL GAME
Thursday, April 17, 2008
THE PROPHET'S THURSDAY TAPOUT: THIS IS HOW I CHILL, MA'AM EDITION
by The Prophet, The Savage Science
As you can see, I've changed the byline to reflect my *new* website. The fightsport media Death Star known as THE SAVAGE SCIENCE is now fully operational. Much like the 2nd Death Star unveiled in "The Empire Strikes Back" we're still in beta. I expect the major design tweaks to be done by this weekend. Today we'll talk about the many valuable things we learn from celebrities, as well as MMA. Here's a picture of my favorite celebrity, Christina Ricci.
VALUABLE LESSONS TAUGHT BY CELEBRITIES:
I get sick of people decrying America's fascination with "celebrity culture". If you're the type of person who's all worshipful of celebrities you're a pathetic loser (my admiration of Christina Ricci notwithstanding, of course). While there are a handful of celebrities that have served as role models--Hef, Bob Guccione, Sinatra, Hunter S. Thompson, Evel Knievel to name a few--most serve as cautionary examples. At one point, people even called Charles Manson 'crazy'.
Here's what I'm talking about--on balance, I approve of the new trend of young women shaving their nether regions and wearing short dresses without underwear that Britney Spears started. Spears' gnarly shaved cooter, however, revealed the seamy underbelly...uh....the sinister underworld...uh.....the rash and scab infested downside...er...the BAD things that can happen when you shave your cooter. Who knows how many women she spared from the discomfort of shaving without proper lubrication and moisturization (Editor's note: Is that a word?).
We all know that the gals love their celebrities and hang on every word uttered by Oprah, Martha, and Rue McClanahan. Celebrities can teach us men many things as well. Take OJ Simpson--he's taught me so many valuable life lessons. For example, I've learned that retrieving sports memorabilia at gunpoint probably isn't the best idea and at the very least can have a significant downside. Another thing that OJ has taught me is that its probably not wise to leave your girlfriend in the care of Pedro Guerrero:male voice: "October 10,1999 18:15 hours, complaint desk, position number 1."
Another celebrity--whom I think is underrated in terms of the wisdom he can impart upon us--is Robert Blake. If you're like me, you leave guns in restaurants all the time. It happened to Robert Blake, and when he went to retrieve the gun some unknown assailant shot and killed his battle ax of a girlfriend. So make sure you double check your surroundings before you leave a restaurant for any misplaced handguns.
Operator: "Where's your emergency?"
Simpson: "We have a problem here. I'm trying to get a girl to go to rehab..."
Operator: "Does anyone need rescue?"
Simpson: "She's been doing drugs for two days with Pedro Guerrero, who just got arrested for cocaine, and I'm trying to get her to leave her house and go into rehab right now."
Operator: "Is anyone hitting anyone right now?"
Simpson: "No, no. It's nothing like that."
Operator: "Does anyone have any weapons?"
Simpson: "No, no..."
Operator: "Does the girl need a rescue?"
Simpson: "No she doesn't need a rescue..."
In the coming weeks we'll learn more valuable lessons from celebrities.
MY BADDEST MAN ON THE PLANET SELECTION FORTHCOMING:
I hope you enjoyed my overview on "toughness" posted on this fine website last week. Later today or tomorrow, I'll reveal a few random runners up for the title, as well as my choice for the baddest sumbitch walking the face of the earth.
THE SAVAGE SCIENCE--MMA, MAYHEM AND MORE
As noted above, my long awaited website THE SAVAGE SCIENCE is up and running. As noted above, its in "beta" now but should have most of the kinks worked out by early next week. There's already a bunch of content posted with more to come.
It's been a lot of work getting the website going--I really need a vacation. I made the mistake of trying to do too much at one time--leaving the sports handicapping profession, moving across country and trying to get established, putting The Savage Science together and keeping my other writing duties up to date. During that time I was sickened in some sinister plot by Bob Costas to undermine the work that we do here at EC.
It's been a major pain in the ass, but everything is coming together now. I want to thank the Epic Carnival braintrust for having my back during this transitional time. As a result, they'll have my undying loyalty. Those that tried to undermine me during the past few months, or just plain pissed me off, will have to suffer my vengeful wrath for all eternity--much like the great Black Sabbath song "Iron Man" with the exception of the "vengeance from the grave" part. I'll be wreaking my vengeful havoc from Portland, OR.
TUESDAY TAPOUT NOW THURSDAY TAPOUT:
Also, we've moved the Tuesday Tapout to Thursday, which means this is now the Thursday Tapout. I thought about calling it the "Thursday Tuesday Tapout, or "The Tuesday Tapout now on Thursday" but renaming it as "The Thursday Tapout" seems most expedient.
UFC 83 COMING THIS WEEKEND!:
UFC 83 heads to Montreal for a big card this Saturday night headlined by Georges St. Pierre vs. Matt Serra for the welterweight title. The city is geeked for the event, and it sold out faster than any UFC event in history. I'll be doing a live round by round somewhere...if its cool with the management of this fine website I'll do it here. Otherwise, I'll do it at ProphetFighting or if the "round by round" thing is set up on The Savage Science I'll do it there. My guess is it'll be here, assuming Doug doesn't have something else going on.
WRITE FOR THE SAVAGE SCIENCE!!
We're always looking for new writing talent at the Savage Science. But we've looked and looked and just couldn't find any. As a result, we're going to take what we can get.
Obviously this is for the 20% or so of the EC readership that isn't incarcerated, senile or housebound but if you want to write about MMA or anything else of interest to the 18-35 male demographic that fits into our intentionally broad topic area of "MMA, mayhem and more" drop me a line at savagescience@gmail.com. No experience necessary, but you have to be a quick witted bastard. This could be your entree into the fast paced, exciting world of fight sport journalism plus we'll be paying our writers in actual US currency. It won't be a whole shitload at first, but as soon as we get all of the tech stuff that's costing an arm and a leg done it'll go up.
So if you want to write drop me a line at the email above. If you're a Carnie and you want to write drop me a line via the usual channels.
BACK LATER THIS WEEK:
That's it for now--back later this week with my choice for baddest SOB walking the face of the earth and much more. Don't miss UFC 83 this Saturday and visit The Savage Science, dammit:
MMA MAYHEM AND MORE AT THE SAVAGE SCIENCE
Monday, December 10, 2007
BEST USE OF PHOTOSHOP AWARD FOR DECEMBER 10
Kudos to The Sports Hernia.
If you do or see some great photoshopping in the future, send it to us and you might win ...
... a feeling of satisfaction never felt before.
Money can't buy that!
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