by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
Ever notice how your favorite pro football team seems to have the same weakness, year after maddening year? (This is where you nod your head vigorously. Good theoretical audience.) Well, here's a list of the Heels of Achilles. Enjoy, or wince, or both.
10. Chicago Bears Quarterback. When your best is a guy that played during the freaking Depression (Sid Luckman), and you have glorious memories of a limited game manager (Jim McMahon)... um, the franchise history really, really sucks. Don't hate on Orton and Sexy Rexy; they are just keeping up tradition.
9. Philadelphia Eagles Linebacker. For most Eagles fans, the last one we liked was Seth Joyner. (OK, William Thomas had his moments, but not like the Linebacker From A Town Called Hate.) Seth stopped playing ball for the home team, um, fifteen years ago. Thomas's last year in Eagle green was in the last millennium. We will now stop to remember the Dhani Jones Era, and kick a wall. Hard.
8. Detroit Lions Quarterback. Here's the funniest and best thing you will ever need to know about the Lions... remember Scott Mitchell? Breathtakingly awful big lefty QB who signed a big contract as Dan Marino's understudy, and stunk to nearly Bobby Hoying-esque levels? Well, he's in something called the Lions Legends, who, according to the Lions, "created special moments and added to the lore of football in the Motor City." Would those special moments include losing the job to the immortal Dave Krieg and Charlie Batch, or the 65 career INTs in 57 starts? Only in Detroit does one decent year make you a Legend.
Oh, and the rest of the Lions QBs since Bobby Layne have also stunk on ice. When your best is Rodney Peete and Jon Kitna, you are not exactly covering yourself in glory.
7. Rams Defensive Back. Going back to the start of the franchise, the Rams have been in operation in the NFL since 1936. They've had Hall of Famers all over the place, a defensive line for the ages in the early 1970s, and a pinball offense in the early part of this century. But what they've never had is a defensive back that's been a real keeper, unless Adam Archuleta is your idea of quality. Take heart, Rams Fan -- it's tradition to follow the opposing WR into the end zone.
Oh, they did have Dick "Night Train" Lane, a legendary hitter and Hall of Famer, at the start of his career, when he set a rookie record with 14 picks. They traded him to the Lions. I'm telling you, bad DB decisions is in the DNA for this laundry.
6. Saints Tight End. Let's just say that Jeremy Shockey is going to enjoy the competition, when walking wounded Eric Johnson and vagabond Billy Miller count as some of the more notable in the position's history. The best in franchise history is probably Mike Ditka, which doesn't much count, seeing as he only coached them. After that, you've got something called Henry Childs and the very best Hoby (Brenner) ever to play in the NFL. They should just put Shockey in the Saints Hall of Fame in his first game and make him feel more at home.
5. Eagles Coach. One of the great secrets of the Philly market is that the great majority of us are happy with Andy Reid, and the simple reason is that they rank very highly in our history. When your history includes Rich Kotite, Mike McCormick, Marion Campbell, Joe Kuharich and a confederacy of dunces that stagger the imagination, suddenly a guy with a .611 winning percentage looks damned good -- even if his kids are wanted in three states. Seriously, in 75 years, it's Greasey Neale, Dick Vermeil and Cap'n Andy. Not exactly a torrent of glory.
4. Cardinals Owner. How much has The Bidwell Family (yes, it's been handed down from father to son) screwed this franchise? Enough so that the gods of football karma have seen fit to stone them through three cities, innumerable quarterbacks, coaches and general managers, and a solid decade of The Cardinals Could Surprise This Year preview stories that never come to fruition. When your franchise's crowning moment of glory is a first round playoff win that starred Jake Plummer, it goes behind a particular position or draft approach. This fish rots from the head down, and in Bidwell's 45 (!) years as the owner, they have had four (yes, four) playoff appearances in that time. This is the oldest professional football team in North America, and they have not appeared in so much as a conference championship game since World War Two. Swish that around your mouth for a while and see how that tastes; it tastes like the reason why Cardinals Fan is among the rarest fan in the NFL.
3. Bengals Management. Mike Brown's legacy is nearly Bidwell-esque in its incompetence, but with the added flavor of constant arrests adding to the futility. For a team that's supposed to be led by a defensive mastermind in Marvin Lewis, and by Family Values types in top management, there's something mighty fishy going on in Porkopolis... and on some level, it's nice to know they can lose with reprobates as easily as they lost with clean cut citizens.
2. Buffalo Kicker. Is this an unfair ranking for one wide kick? No. If Scott Norwood's kick is true, Buffalo would have won its first trip to the Super Bowl, and would have made future embarrassments in the big game much less likely. They would have also spared the nation the next fifteen years of abject Bill Parcells worship, as he would have been a Billickian one-time winner, rather than a multiple unquestioned genius. Such is the power of the curse of Buffalo Kicker that the team has not won since, and that the best player in their history became a multiple murderer. Allegedly. (Ignore the fact that they didn't win before, please.)
1. Jets QB. Oh, am I going there, you Namath worshipers? Hell and yes. When your absolute best is Chad Pennington and Boomer Esiason, and your absolute worst is among the worst things that have ever sullied an NFL field... and oh, by the way, Namath may be the most overrated quarterback in NFL history when you look at the numbers... well, let's just say that Brett Favre's future flameout will be right in tune with the rest of your sorry legacy. Good night, and good luck.
MORE FOOTBALL STORIES YOU'LL ENJOY:
LT trains with Kimbo
Why the Cardinals chose Warner over Leinart
ESPN Is Sticking With Kurt Warner
Ranking The 32 Starting NFL Quarterbacks
Ricky Manning may be on the Browns free agent radar
Lou Holtz is The Homer
SEC, bitches!
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
TOP 10 CURSED PRO FOOTBALL POSITIONS
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
TOP 12 REASONS WHY THE BEARS WENT WITH ORTON OVER GROSSMAN
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
12. When Orton takes an unnecessary sack, he's less likely to fumble
11. Just can't give the ball to a man that Ron Rivera referred to as "kind of a mental midget"
10. Incompletions are less harmful than interceptions
9. Sexy Rexy is hot, but even he could not deny the power of the Neck Beard
8. Orton is 25, while Rex is 28, and that three-year difference will really be important when both men are out of the league in two years
7. The track record of useless quarterbacks from Purdue is slightly stronger than the track record of useless quarterbacks from Florida
6. Bears just wanted less exposure on Kissing Suzy Kolber
5. Coach Lovie Smith is one of those guys that likes to take bandages off hair by hair, which means he's more of an Orton kind of guy
4. Orton reminds the coaching staff of franchise all-time great Sid Luckman. Unfortunately for Bears Fan, Luckman's dead
3. Orton's underthrows are less likely to get Devin Hester killed than Grossman's overthrows
2. Replacing an incompetent game manager QB with an incompetent gunslinger is much more exciting for team that's failing in mid-season
1. Because while a solid turd is disgusting and not conducive to winning, it's better than a sloppy pantload of wet work
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
TOP 10 REASONS WHY DEVIN HESTER IS HOLDING OUT
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
10. Wants that big-time Donte Hall money
9. Less time in training camp is less time in training camp
8. Doesn't want to distract from that riveting Kyle Orton - Rex Grossman quarterback battle
7. After the departure of Bernard Berrian and Moose Muhammad, not quite ready to take the mantle of #1 wideout
6. With Todd Sauerbrun out of the league, the thrill is gone
5. Needs to recoup that $5,000 facemask fine from last year's game against the Saints
4. Probably not expecting a playoff run out of this year's talent, so better to conserve energy in the long run
3. Wants more quality time with Madden Hester and his 100 speed rating
2. His extensive Bible studies have led him to believe that the Lord wants him to make more money
1. If he spends more time in practice and learns another offensive play, he might forget the one he already knows
MANUFACTURED JOY - CHICAGO BEARS
by Zac, Throwing Into Traffic
1. Cedric Benson is a drunk!
While I’m stunned that it happened before Rex Grossman lost his job, the Cedric Benson experiment came to a screeching halt this offseason thanks to Ced’s love of booze, the navigation of motor vehicles, and a combination of the two. Taking his place seem to be the tandem of rookie Matt Forte and former Lion Kevin Jones, a switch which makes sense for a couple of reasons. First, the era of the feature back is slowly coming to an end, so giving the team the chance to establish a young tandem of backs shows smart, forward thinking from a front office that hasn’t been known for that lately. Second, despite what you’ve heard about both him and his former employer, Kevin Jones has been pretty good when healthy. He’s not so far removed from a very solid rookie campaign (1133 yards on 241 carries) that he can’t recapture the magic. Throw in a bolstered offensive line, and positive yardage from the ground game could become a concept not so foreign to long suffering Bears fans.
2. Marty Booker, AAAHHHHHHHH!!!
ARE YOU CATCHING MARTY BOOKER FEVER YET?!? What’s NOT to love about having a number one receiver who embodies the terms “consistent” and “workmanlike”? All kidding aside, Booker is a very good possession receiver, and was a steal in free agency (the Dolphins were stupid to let him go). If the Bears can cultivate even one speedster (and they’re working on it with Devin Hester), there’s no reason to think that Booker won’t give the much maligned quarterback corps a consistent target, which is something its never really had.
3. The single dumbest quarterback competition EVER!
That said, it is inexcusable that the team didn’t at least TRY to pick up a QB this offseason. When Brian Griese is your most consistent signal caller, you’ve gone epically wrong here…AND THE TEAM LET HIM GO FOR THE GUYS BEHIND HIM!?!? Rex Grossman is more panicky, dumb, and inaccurate than 99% of quarterbacks in the game, and Kyle Orton is the guy who couldn’t beat him out for a starter’s job. And Andre Woodson goes to the Giants in the 6th? Really? Watching Rex launch interceptions is cute and all, but wouldn’t having ANYBODY new on the bench have been a good idea?
4. More Devin Hester punt returns!
5. Offensive line excitement!
Ok, so the team didn’t really make anything exciting happen. Still, assuming that you can turn one of these quarterbacks into a competent game manager (something akin to assuming that you can rejigger that whole “gravity” thing), then this team is built to have a pretty good possession offense. They drafted a big receiver, picked up a top-flight possession receiver, have the makings of a young running back tandem, and, most importantly, started fixing their offensive line by picking up rookie tackle Kirk Barton and potential anchor of the line Chris Williams, both of whom could give some much needed protection to a quarterback (and it should be Grossman) who has shown he doesn’t do well with pressure. And if making sure your team is geared toward Rex Grossman’s needs isn’t a reason for fans to watch…well…ok, I give up, sorry, Chicago…
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
KICK THEM WHEN THEY’RE DOWN – CEDRIC BENSON
by Zac, Throwing Into Traffic
From time to time, professional athletes remind us why they're often stereotyped as overpaid, entitled ingrates. Every once in a while, one of THOSE athletes falls...hard. When they do, we at Epic Carnival step in to kick them when they're down. Getting salt in the wound in this first ever edition: Cedric Benson.
One day, when Matt Forte uses a revamped bears offensive line and a surprisingly vertical pass attack to rush for over 2000 yards in a season, Cedric Benson is going to be too drunk to notice. But when he stumbles off of his couch hungover the next morning, he’ll probably hear about it on his way to go be an assistant high school football coach somewhere, and he’ll be pissed. Or maybe he won’t; after all, Benson, by all accounts, is pretty much a grade-A asshole. His fellow running back in Chicago had so much trouble getting along with him that the Bears had to split them up and send Thomas Jones away due to the team’s investment in Benson (money well spent). Benson’s teammates disliked him so much that they tried to injure him. To clarify: They would rather have THOMAS JONES starting. This is the same Thomas Jones who spent so much time running into the backs of his offensive linemen that they should all file sexual harassment lawsuits against him. Now, Cedric Benson is without a job. He went from being a top five draft pick to out of the league in THREE SEASONS.
Worse still, Benson has had not one, but two run-ins with the law on his way out of the league. In one, he was allegedly boating under the influence, and walked away looking like he’d gotten the holy hell beaten out of him. He insists that police manhandled him and forced him to the ground, and I for one believe him, but I don’t know that he was necessarily brutalized; anyone who watched Cedric Benson run knows it doesn’t take much to bring him down. Then in the next one he gets pulled over allegedly driving drunk in a shirt that he was either going to be a male stripper in or was going to look at male strippers in. Either way, poor image choice.
At this point, it’s pretty much a lock that Cedric Benson will never see action in another NFL game. After all, this is Commissioner Roger Goodell we’re talking about; he suspends black athletes because it’s a day ending in Y. And yet it’s a testament to Benson that not one single “what a waste” article has been written. This means that Benson’s fall is even sadder than wasted talent; it means that he was just never that good to begin with. So because he can’t navigate sober by land or by sea (Cedric, whatever money you have left MUST go toward buying a Cessna and a handle of Cuervo), because he will be a permanent testament to wasted drafts (Cadillac Williams’s kneecap is in three pieces, and he looks like a safer investment for the future), and because he made Chicago long for the plodding stylings of Thomas Jones (whose career highlights will have to dig into footage of him in that Trina music video), lets all take this chance to kick Cedric Benson when he’s down.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
CALLING YOU OUT! - THE CHICAGO BEARS
by WCT, The Ship of Fools
“Calling You Out!” is a periodic segment where WCT takes people to task for irresponsible journalism, foolhardy activities, or just general douchebaggery. Nothing is sacred, no one is spared, watch your ass mister! You could be next!
Today, we imagine how much it must suck to be a Bears fan
In March 2007, just a month after a trip to the Super Bowl, the Chicago Bears traded their leading rusher Thomas Jones to the Jets for a second round draft pick. They chose to get rid of Jones after a 1,200+ yard season and instead hitch their wagon to Cedric Benson's star. Hey, how is that working out?
After one dissappointing season as a starter (who didn't see that coming?) and two alcohol-related arrests in less than two months, Cedric Benson was let go by the Bears last night. The team that brought you Curtis Enis, 5th overall pick, and Rashaan Salaam, 21st overall pick, has now cut ties with Cedric Benson, 4th overall pick.
The teams presumed featured running back is now Adrian Peterson, although I should clarify that it is this Adrian Peterson, and not this Adrian Peterson.
Needless to say, the outlook for the 2008 Bears, which was already looking somewhat bleak, is not looking much better today. The defense has, not one, but two disgruntled pro bowl linebackers, and the offense was 27th in the League in QB rating for the year, and did not draft or acquire a quarterback during the off-season. As a Browns fan, it is not often that I am awed at the mismanagement of an NFL franchise(I've pretty much seen it all already) but the way the GM Jerry Angelo and powers-that-be have turned the Bears from a 13-3 NFC champion, to a likely 10-loss joke in just two short years is amazing.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
TOP 10 UNANSWERED QUESTIONS IN THE CEDRIC BENSON ARREST
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
10. When he yelled for his Mom as the police put him in handcuffs, did he scream "Mommmyyyyy!!!", "Maaaaaaa!!!!" or just fall to the ground sobbing and kicking?
9. Is this also somehow Thomas Jones' fault?
8. Did the police sergeant that maced and cuffed Benson draft him in his fantasy league next year?
7. Was Berson expecting The Chicago Adrian Peterson to take over for the hard part of the arrest?
6. Did he have to pay Nick Nolte any royalties for that mug shot?
5. Was Right Said Ced drunk on Zima, schnapps, or a pink Zinfandel?
4. Did he try to run from the cops, only to be taken down with relative ease?
3. Were the cops (the arrest happened northwest of Austin) also high?
2. Is Bear Fan thinking wistfully of Rashaan Salaam and Curtis Enis yet?
1. For the love of Ditka, what else does he have to do to get released?
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
OPTIMIST/PESSIMIST - THE NFC NORTH DRAFT CLASS
by Zac, Throwing Into Traffic
Chicago Bears:
OPTIMIST:
The best way to improve shaky quarterbacking quickly is by not paying immediate attention to the quarterback position in the draft (CUE ZEN GONG HERE). The fact of the matter is that Rex Grossman, though awful last season, was not entirely to blame for his failings. Cedric Benson forgot what positive yardage looks like, Bernard Berrian was the only receiver even trying, and, perhaps most importantly, Rex was seeing more pressure in the pocket than he had been used to the season before. So, instead of making the panic move and reaching for a quarterback in the first or second rounds, Chicago played it conservative, taking a talented pass blocker in Chris Williams and a talented between the tackles back in Matt Forte. Also likely to help out Sexy Rexy’s (or…Mild Kyle?) woes are a pair of WRs comprised of sneaky Vanderbilt grad Earl Bennett, and potential steal of the draft Marcus Monk, who’s combination of size and speed will leave teams regretting having left him on the board until the seventh round.
PESSIMIST:
Great, except here’s the problem with the way the Bears chose to address their quarterback issue: As a rule, when you hear hoof beats, you don’t think “Zebras!”; you think “Horses!” Having added seven picks worth of support for their signal callers, I’m betting that the Bears are going to be disappointed when they don’t see striped animals coming around the bend, and are instead left with the unpleasant realization that everyone else seems to already know: Their quarterbacking was terrible last year because their quarterbacks are terrible (Gonnnngggggggggg….), and fixing the deck chairs won’t save their sinking ship under center.
Minnesota Vikings:
OPTIMIST:
I’m a sucker for teams that cut through all the shiny talk about “value” and focus on finding the most effective means by which they can use the draft to fill needs. The Vikings did just that with the Jared Allen trade, forfeiting the bulk of their draft picks in order to obtain the leagues best pass rushing defensive end. Say what you want about building for the future, but this is the kind of big move that can launch a team that barely missed the playoffs to the next level. Considering that they also picked up a first round caliber safety in the second round and added more competition to their weakest DB positions, this team is going to have a scary defense complimenting the best ground game in the league, along with a developing QB who has shown flashes of brilliance (albeit amidst a consistent glow of total suckitude)
PESSIMIST:
And hey, why not take a chance on a guy who has already shown a lack of judgment when he gets drunk by putting him in one of the coldest, most isolated locales in the league? Worked out great for Koren Robinson, right? The thing is that if this trade doesn’t work out, the Vikings have pretty much forfeited the next several years thanks to the huge monetary commitment they’ve made to Allen and the draft picks they sent to the Chiefs. Oh, and let’s also make this very, very clear for delusional Vikings fans who think that your team is somehow not a less exciting, less talented version of the 2006 Bears: Tavaris Jackson is going to make Bernard Berrian long for the pinpoint accuracy of Rex Grossman.
Detroit Lions:
OPTIMIST:
I don’t know if Matt Millen was bound and gagged in a closet, on a pee break, or had just gotten lost in the hallways, but somehow someone in that Lions war room snuck in an offensive lineman as a first round draft pick. Even more intriguing is the fact that Gosder Cherilus has been able to play multiple positions on the line in college, which means that the team now has some versatility at what has been a tragic flaw on what people keep expecting to be an elite offense. Furthermore, the defensive middle recovered some of the ground lost in the Shaun Rogers trade with the acquisitions of speedy LB Jordon Dizon and underrated DT Andre Fluellen. And then there’s Kevin Smith, America’s favorite self promoting webmaster that can run a football. After a year of Tatum Bell, TJ Duckett, and Kevin Jones, Smith is the kind of bruising back that will give legitimacy to an otherwise one-dimensional offense, and he has the body of work to prove his worth.
PESSIMIST:
Ooooooh, a star running back from Central Florida. Who’d he have his biggest game against? The North Tampa Academy for the Deaf and Blind? Smith failed to show up against quality competition (55 yards against USF is not a good showing), and only put up major yardage against the kind of defense he’s unlikely to see at the pro level (the fact that UAB even has a football team constitutes my “thing I learned today”). Oh, and maybe I’m wrong about Millen not being behind the Gosder pick, because somehow the Lions thought it was a good idea to trade out of a spot where you can pick a high value, high talent offensive lineman and instead pick one that everyone and their brother expected to last until the second round. Oh, and in case you’re concerned, they still managed to fill that perpetual lack of wide receivers by picking one up in the fifth round. Seriously, it’s like they do it for comic relief at this point.
Green Bay Packers:
OPTIMIST:
Let’s face facts: Aaron Rodgers has the least enviable job in football right now. So it’s not surprising that the Packers decided to pick up some insurance in the form of QB Brian Brohm in the second round…and again in the form of QB Matt Flynn in the fifth. Some would call it overkill, but this is a young team that was a bad pass away from the Super Bowl, and it’s understandable that the Packers would be desperate to have options so that, should their first choice fail, they can plug someone in to keep things moving. Adding corner Patrick Lee is another good decision, considering that both corners are showing some wear and tear, and TE Jermichael Finley has the upside to add yet ANOTHER passing option, making the aerial attack an embarrassment of riches. In other words, the team seems smartly focused on not losing the ground they’ve worked so hard to gain, which is a great call considering where they left it last year.
PESSIMIST:
I think I’ll let Aaron Rodgers do the talking here…
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
EARTH DAY MC
by Mac G, Mac G's World
The third annual Green Apple Festival music lineup was announced recently. Free live concerts will take place simultaneously in New York City (Central Park), Washington, DC (The National Mall), Chicago IL (Lincoln Park Zoo), Miami FL (Bicentennial Park), Denver CO (City Park), Dallas TX (Fair Park), San Francisco CA (Golden Gate Park) and Los Angeles CA (Santa Monica Pier).
The be held on Earth Day, Sunday, April 20th. (Insert 420 joke here) I understand two questions going through your head right now, what does this have to do with sports? And have I started celebrating 420 early today? It is sports related and always.
I did a triple take after scanning through the schedule of events in Chicago and the featured MC will blow you away more than the ladies of the Emperor Club.
Chicago’s arm of the Green Apple Festival will take place at the Lincoln Park Zoo, featuring live music by the Derek Trucks Band, Dirty Dozen Brass Band, Meshell Ndegeocello, Chicago Afrobeat Project, Miss Lori Holton Nash (PBS Kids) and the Gwalla Gwallas. The day’s events will be emceed by Kyle Orton of the Chicago Bears.
Holy Crap Batman, Kneckbeard is running things on Earth Day in Chitown? The sports blogosphere's and all Bears' fans favorite booze hound is not only an environmental activist but they are going to let him talk on a microphone in public, on 4/20? I am damn near speechless.I need to find out how to pre-order copies of the video and podcast of this classic event.
I always wondered if guzzling whiskey and recycling the empty bottles was good for the environment. Kneckbeard now has reaffirmed my previous eco beliefs.
Stay Green Kyle. Stay Fn Green.
Green Apple Festival
Friday, February 8, 2008
THE TEAMS THAT WEREN'T EMBARRASSED TO BE 18-1
by wwtb?, Pacifist Viking
"18-1" is of course a mocking insult to the 2007 Patriots.
But two other teams have gone 18-1; they just had the good sense to lose their one game sometime during the regular season.
The 1984 San Francisco 49ers went 18-1. In the regular season, they were #2 in points scored, #1 in points allowed, and they outscored their opponents by an average of 15.5 points per game. Their one loss was by three points. They outscored their three playoff opponents 82-26.
The 1985 Chicago Bears went 18-1. In the regular season, they were #2 in points scored, #1 in points allowed, and they outscored their opponents by an average of 16.1 points per game. Their one loss was by 14 points. They outscored their playoff opponents 91-10.
The '84 49ers and '85 Bears are two of the greatest football teams ever. They played superb football all season long, but peaked at the end, winning convincingly in the playoffs and dominating the Super Bowl. The Patriots matched their win totals, but for the Patriots, "18-1" is a disappointing insult.
Monday, December 17, 2007
SIDESHOW ALLEY: LANCE BRIGGS WILL IMPREGNATE YOU THEN LEAVE
by Dr. C, Chicago Bull
BRIGGS IS ACCUSED OF NOT PAYING CHILD SUPPORT: On the cover of the Chicago Sun-Times today is a picture of his baby's mama, 21 yr. old Brittini Tribbett (who looks more like she's 42), who claims that the Linebacker/Extreme Stunt Driver has only provided her with $250 bucks per week for the past couple months (out of his $7.5 mil salary this year). This has her sharing her room with her baby at her mom's house while Lance is out pulling repeat performances, as two more women are now claiming their kids are his too. At this rate, Lance should be lapping Travis Henry for illegitimate kids any time. First, Urlacher wouldn't pay the bills, now it's Briggs. What is it with Bears linebackers and their credo to never pull out of a "play"? How hard is it to keep condoms on you? A word to the wise, Hunter Hillenmeyer, don't be a fool, wrap your tool.
WESTBROOK FALLS ON THE GOAL LINE INSTEAD OF SCORING: While my pitiful fantasy team choked in the last game of season and fell short (damn you Reggie Bush and your fumbling ways), I'm sure there were many fantasy owners whose jaws dropped yesterday at the end of the Cowboys-Eagles game when Westbrook broke out a 20-some yard run and kneeled at the one yard line. A couple things struck me immediately: 1. That could be the most unselfish play in the NFL I've ever seen. 2. There are several people screaming at their TV right now 3. I hate you DirecTV for messing up my local stations all day, thus leaving me without football all day. So if you have Westbrook, I gotta ask you: are you pissed off at him? Did you benefit from him not scoring? If I had him I would undoubtedly be pissed. But since I don't, hat's off to you. Even if your season is all but over.
DAVID GARRARD IS COURTING CARMEN SAN DIEGO: Either that or he wants to be the black version of Dick Tracy. I really don't get the look he's trying to achieve. Are you going out for clues as to the disappearance of Bryon Leftwich? Are you using the fucking gadget copter on your way back to Jacksonville? I sat laughing in disbelief as I watched the press game conference on ESPNNEWS. I totally wanted to hear someone ask him about Indianapolis so he could reply YOWZERS.
DAMN YOU BALTIMORE RAVENS: First you blow the chance to end the Pats' winning streak, and now you let the Dolphins win. It was a sad day for everyone outside of South Florida.
BUFFALO BILLS END UP IN THE DITCH: There are only a few things worse then getting shut out in Cleveland. Being there any second longer then you have to is one. Having your team plane skid off the runway is another. After being stuck in the Mistake by the Lake for the night, the BOEING 767 made too wide of a turn and ended up in the mud going nowhere (Romeo Crennel can certainly relate after too much food). Question: Why the hell are you trying to fly in that terrible weather when it's only a three hour drive to Buffalo?
FINALLY, Nick Saban's agent has already contacted West Virginia about the opening now that Rich Rodriguez is heading to Michigan. Saban, coming to a college town near you! Honestly, this guy is biggest prick coaching right now. What a scum bag.
And in closing, my new favorite sports icon is none other then the World Anti-Doping Agency President Dick Pound. I mean seriously... DICK POUND, best... name... ever.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
TALE OF THE TAPE: ELI VS. REX
by Tbone, The Sports Hernia
Screw the Packers and Cowboys, everyone was just too embarrassed to admit that all they thought about this week was the Giants/Bears showdown, headlined by two quarterbacks absolutely jazzed to be in the spotlight, Peyton's brother and Sweetchuck's nephew.
Here's all you need to know about Sunday's barf 'n gag QB match-up at Solder Field.
Yeeeah, better wear a poncho for this one, and not because of the rain.
Accuracy
Edge: The 40-year-old playing catch with his son in the South Lot
Toughness
Edge: Anyone sitting through this assman rodeo in the freezing temps
Mental Toughness
Edge: Spalding Smails
Body Language
Edge: Scott Norwood
Leadership
Edge: Jeff George
Poise
Edge: Squirrel in the middle of a 5-lane highway during rush hour
Footwork
Edge: This monkey
Fan Support
Edge: Hitler
Hair
Edge: Lloyd Christmas
Fumbling skills
Edge: Rexie, he has Eli beat by 1
Public Enemy
Edge: Jeff Feagles for not punting to Hester
Sideline presence
Edge: Even - J. Load's mammoth stature ties with Orton's witness-protection beard
(Originally published 11/28)
Monday, November 26, 2007
SPECIAL TEAMS WERE SPECIAL THIS WEEKEND
by Love Without Nagel, The Meaningful Collateral So it wouldn't be out of the question to suggest that if he were asked why he missed that second field goal in overtime he would respond, "Well, I am looking forward to date night with my wife. If you have problem with that I will drag you to the ground by your face."
Perhaps NFL coaches have not read the 'Complete Guide to Special Teams.' We all know coaches for the most part aren't geniuses, so I will give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that they skimmed the foreword by Frank Beamer but must have skipped the techniques, drills and training. The Broncos this week announced they were not scared of Devin Hester. Care to re-think that strategy Todd Sauerbrun and Broncos Special Teams coach Scott O'Brien? In the linked article above Sauerbrun said-
"We're not going to kick away from him [Hester]," Sauerbrun said. "Hey, we respect him and he's the best, but we have guys on our coverage teams that are paid to make big tackles."
Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, look for Scott O'Brien to be in line at your nearest soup kitchen.
To make matters worse, after Hester had returned a punt and a kickoff for touchdowns, the badass Broncos shrunk away from their game plan and attemped to angle a punt out of bounds. The only problem was that no one informed the punt team to block the outside rush. The result: A blocked punt and field position that even Rex Grossman was able to convert into points.
The stats are staggering.
Chicago's Offensive Stat Line- 293 total yards (122 rushing, 171 passing), 4/15 on third down conversions, 4 turnovers, Grossman was a lackluster 17/33. By the way, the Broncos were better in every statistical category, including time of possession. Amazing that the Broncos were able to lose a 14 point lead with under six minutes left in the game.
While this loss may be considered a simple arrogant oversight by the Broncos coaching staff and a kicker who was once suspended for use of steriods, the enigma that is Neil "Small Game" Rackers continues to boggle my mind.
For the life of me, I cannot understand how Neil Rackers cannot kick well when the game is on the line. Does anyone remember last year against the Bears when Neil whiffed on a 40 yard field goal to beat Chicago on a Monday night game in the tastefully named Universty of Phoenix Stadium? Rackers threw his helmet a good twenty yards after the kick.
Remember when Neil Rackers missed a 51 yarder against Kansas City to win the game last year?
Remember when Neil Rackers missed a 32 yard field goal on Sunday after making one from 27 only to have it not count due to a delay of game penalty on the Cards? This was in overtime and should be well within his range. Rackers has been known to show off during warm-ups easily kicking 60+ yarders while barely breaking a sweat. If he keeps up his flubbing in tight game situations, he might soon be standing in the soup kitchen line next to Scott O'Brien. Unless he can make a living kicking an oblong pigskin through a big "U" at the state fair.
Let's take a closer look at Neil Rackers:
From his official bio-
**Other special teams snafus this weekend-
I'll leave you with a few quotes about kickers.
"Two point-blank field goals for the win and couldn't make those," a seething coach Bill Parcells said afterward a Cowboys preseason loss.
Lou Groza, NFL Hall of Fame kicker: "Old place-kickers never die, they just go on missing the point."
"When in doubt, punt!" -- John Heisman
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