by Neate Sager, Out Of Left Field
The best super-obscure analogy for the Bills is that they're the NFL equivalent of Black Label beer back in the day.
This sort of ties in with the Bills' Long Relocation to Toronto. Up here in Canada, there's a writer named Russell Smith. One night a few years ago I caught him on TV late at night, on one of those public television shows you never seek out but sometimes happen upon late at night when you're flipping through channels, wondering, how you wasted your life.
In Smith's telling, Black Label was the beer for arty 20-something crowd he ran with in Toronto as a young man. It was cheap, plus it was 8% alcohol, meaning you could get a nice buzz on every so often and still fit into your leather pants the next day. It offered a kick and kitsch all at once. That's what comes to mind with the future Toronto Bills, seriously.
There is a certain need on my end to keep tabs on the Bills, if for no other reason than the jokes. They haven't been to the playoffs since the Doug Flutie/Rob Johnson nightmare at the start of this decade. Personally speaking, I also pure flat-out loathed them during their glory days in the early '90s and seldom had one good thing to say about them. (Pointing out that the K-Gun offence was basically just CFL football with an 11-man offence was a sure-fire way to piss off associates who favoured puffy Bills windbreakers, as was the style at the time.)
It's only taken a Music City Miracle, the outsourcing of the team's fanbase to Southern Ontario and a looming relocation to Canada (every 200 years, we just have to devastate Buffalo, just because) to whip up some genuine support for the Bills. There's a certain nostalgia about following the Bills, because I'm old enough to be a sad bastard, plus, there's the off-chance that this edition might actually do something, like go 10-6 and squeak into the playoffs.
Passing game
It also makes sense to have two versions of this, one for when man-moving left tackle extraordinaire Jason Peters is moved to end his holdout and one for if the stugots actually sits out the entire season. The left tackle makes that much of a difference for the Bills, especially since their quarterback, Trent Edwards, and his receivers -- underrated Lee Evans, high-leaping rookie James Hardy, slot receiver Josh Reed and little Roscoe Parrish (pictured), go together like the living room n furniture in your first post-college apartment.
Hardy looks like a fantasy football sleeper and the Bills' passing game is bound to improve from third-worst in the NFL (the pass defence was fourth-worst, yet still these guys were a couple plays from a winning season). Oh, and J.P. Losman is now at the stage where he can be considered the ninth-best backup QB in the NFL by Sports Illustrated. Of course, bear in mind, that was one spot ahead of Rex Grossman. All backup quarterbacks are excellent backup quarterbacks, anyways. The good part about Trent Edwards is he won't make a lot of mistakes -- his paradigm game is probably to have an interception-free day with maybe one TD pass.
Running game
Marshawn Lynch ran for more than 1,100 yards last season. He'll be good until the Bills burn him out from overuse in three or four years. His blocking group is decent without Peters, exceptional with him. Sorry, I'm not much for rhapsodizing about the running game.
Pass defence
Forget Bruce Smith -- where have you gone, Bryce Paup? You stop the pass by adding pressure, not coverage. Aaron Schobel is the most reasonable facsimile of a pass-rush threat, and he's got no one who can draw double-teams away from him when it's third-and-10. The Bills need to start getting some heat on opposing QBs, rather than being vanilla.
Their cover guys -- Terrence McGee, Jabari Greer, the rookie Leodis McKelvin -- rate pretty well. It's just that no one can stick to good receivers on every passing play.
Run defence
The Bills picked up Marcus Stroud for the middle of their defensive line and signed weakside linebacker Kavika Mitchell away from the Giants. They'll probably continue to play the run well, and the linebacker Paul Posluszny is going to bear watching after his rookie season was a write-off due to a broken arm.
Special teams
The coverage and return teams are probably worth close to one win a season for the Bills. Rian Lindell and Brian Moorman have to be one of the league's longest-running kicker and punter tandems; Ralph Wilson Stadium might have been built around them for all we know. Parrish led the NFL in returning punts last season and McKelvin will also provide a threat.
Wrapping up
McKelvin had a kickoff-return touchdown in the pre-season game in Toronto, which provides a somewhat awkward way of seguing back to the Big Inevitability. Bills owner Ralph Wilson is still breathing and the buzzards from Toronto are already circling, waiting to move the team to Toronto, where the luxury boxes will be full, but the only tailgating on gamedays will be officially sponsored and require you to pay a cover charge.
There will be blood on Toronto and Southern Ontario's hands when the annexation of the Bills is completed, but try to not see this simply as shameless opportunism from the Rogers Communication oligarchy, even if they are already dancing on Wilson's gravesite. It's been almost 200 years since Buffalo was torched in the War of 1812, so Canada is long past due to devastate that town again.
The Bills look like a good young team -- hence my renewed interest, even though I cheer for the Minnesota Vikings. They're nothing spectacular, but they might be able to rides their defence and special teams to a 10-6 record and an AFC wild-card berth. In other words, they might look average and nondescript, but they get the job done, and they pack a wallop -- just like the Black Label of yore.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
SPECTACULARLY AVERAGE: THE STORY OF THE 2008 BUFFALO BILLS
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
GIFT IDEAS: CAMO-CANNED BATHING SUITS
by Mr. E, Staff WriterGentlemen, with only two months remaining to finish up your Sweetest Day shopping, I come bearing gifts. These gifts not only silently scream out your love and admiration, but also a way to say, "Thank you."
Thank you for putting up with the countless cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon that I've crammed underneath the flannel slip-covered sofa.
Thank you for allowing me to remove some of your delicate art form the curio, while only breaking a couple, to show off my sixth place trophy from the 1994 Lake Minnetoka Walleye tournament.
Thank you for telling little Susie Lou that the deer heads are simply staying on her walls at night, no matter how many night terrors she has.
Thank you for shoveling all of the snow from our gravel and dog shit-covered driveway all those time where I just couldn't pull myself away from repairing Uncle Jed's old Civil War musket.
Thank you for understanding that the rust holes that are in the bed of Bessie show her character - sort of like the rings on that there tree - even though we lost a few groceries on the way home. As long as the Hungrymans made it...
Thank you. I hope you like it...
Now where's those dammed used tires that I'm putting up for sale...
GOLF CART RIDING IS EASIER WITH BEER
by DCScrap, on 205th magazine
The title of this video is "9th hole, 9th beer". What it really should have been called is "All kinds of awesomeness!"
Friday, June 20, 2008
THE CRAPTASTICNESS OF JOHN DALY
by Sooze, Babes Love Baseball
I think we can all agree that John Daly is pretty awesome at sucking at golf. However, he managed to hang on tight to an even-par 72 during the opening round of the BMW International Open on Thursday. Somehow.
No, he's not that bad. He just seems to have trouble with hills. And water. And hitting the fairway. With two double bogeys, a bogey and two birdies between the 13th and 18th holes, everyone else in this tournament must suck, too.
"I am hitting better than I am scoring," Daly said.Oh my gosh, that's my line!
Daly still holds the tourney's record for
Thursday, January 10, 2008
THE NFL IS TRYING TO RUIN MY PLAYOFF EXPERIENCE
by Sooze, Babes Love Baseball
Built in 1920 in LaCrosse, Wisconsin as a vaudeville theatre, the Rivoli is one of the sweetest places you'll find outside of Lambeau Field to watch a Green Bay Packers game. So it's a good thing they don't give a crap what the NFL says.
Yes, they have beer. Pitchers of beer. And amazing pizza.
Earlier this week, the NFL sent letters to three Wisconsin businesses, forbidding them to hold special screenings of its games. Of course, sports bars are excluded from this ridiculous policy, along with folks who watch their Green and Gold on a "TV commonly used in a home."
This isn't the first time the league has tried to drive the fun train out of town. In years past, they've sent cease-and-desist orders to hotels, schools, museums, theaters and yes, even churches.
Thank goodness Rivoli manager Chris Kelley is such a risk-taker! He told the LaCrosse Tribune Wednesday that since the theater hasn't been contacted yet, a free screening is still set for this Saturday when the Pack face Mike Holmgren's Seattle Seahawks.
Thanks, Mr. Kelley!
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
HUNGARIANS REVIVE SOCCER TEAM WITH GAMBLING, BEER
by Sterling Gould, More Credible
Grab your wallet, grab a set of Solo Cups for you own using, and get ready to party... Hungarian Soccer style:
Two Hungarian entrepreneurs have proposed a novel solution in Hungary's struggle to wake national soccer from two decades of slumber: slot machines.
Hungary, once unbeatable under Ferenc Puskas's "Golden Team", have not qualified for a major international tournament since the 1986 World Cup. They have started installing hundreds of soccer-themed slot machines in pubs around the country and donate part of the proceeds to youth teams.
"More and more teams have got in touch saying they want to take part in this," Marton said.
Punters can win small prizes such as ashtrays or tickets to games if they get lights to flash next to the same player on both circles. They can win an additional prize of one to four beers depending on which number lights up on the display.
The Hungarian Football Association (MLSZ) said it welcomed the project though it was not officially taking part in it.
Yeah, you know you're feeling it. You wish they would have something like this at an Eagles game. But instead of exchanging your money for small prizes like ashtrays, you'd exchange for some of Britt Reid's "secret stash" (i.e. cocaine, heroine, and tranquilizers for small, barnyard animals).
And mas cerveza por favor! It's a fiesta everytime you crank it up with Hungary. Keep a fresh tap in every section please and let the kids come by to quench their thirst with the sweet nectar!
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
THE AFTER PARTY
It's Halloween, so we definitely need some MLB-themed Jack-O-Lanterns! (Home Run Derby)
Brock Lesnar has signed with the UFC. It may be more than a year before he actually fights though. (Rumors and Rants)
Home shopping shill Don West’s 10 most controversial on-air comments (with videos). (Cats and Beer)
Minus A-Rod on the payroll, a cup of beer at Yankee Stadium should plummet from $9.25 to $8.22. (Bugs & Cranks)
Raiders fans are not selling out the game and so they can get coverage of the Colts-Pats game. (Simon On Sports)
Some fan is going to have the chance to buy the sharpie that Terrell Owens took out of his sock. (SportsBiz)
Madtown is home of an annual Halloween street party called Freakfest. Badger poon alert! (Big Ten Poon)
When you use Chinese steroids, do you feel hungry in an hour? (Steroid Nation)
Wait ... Tim Tebow's girlfriend is Lucy Pinder? (With Leather)
Monday, September 24, 2007
YOU STAY CLASSY, IGGLES FANS
by Richie Rich, Home Run Derby
Let's say you had tickets to the Lions-Eagles game at Lincoln Financial Field in Philadelphia yesterday.
The Eagles' throwback uniforms are eyesores, but you're a diehard Brian Dawkins fan so you buy one anyway.
Then the Iggles rush out to a ginormous lead and Donovan McNabb (the QB you wanted to boo mercilessly) has come out blazin.
What should you do?
Try to look up a girl's shorts as she walks up the stairs, of course ...
Check out the video after the jump.
Stay Classy, Iggles fans.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Even All-Stars Drink Crappy Beer
by WCK, 100% Injury Rate
This is obviously Jonathan Papelbon and Mike Lowell. And you can tell from the date in the right corner they're on their way to the All-Star Game in John Henry's private jet. These pics have been floating around Red Sox Nation for a while it appears, but it's the first time I've seen them. I'm glad to see that all the money and fame hasn't gotten to these guys. Lowell is going for the Bud Light, a solid choice that says I'm a man of the people and I could care less that my beer tastes like piss. The younger Papelbon goes for the classic Bud, a salute to the veterans that came before him. And what was Manny drinking? Wine? Looks more like Jagermeister actually. The pic is after the jump.
Apparently Barstool Sports had these awhile back. Hard for a blogger to get a scoop these days!!
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Nintendo Helps Baseball Fans Get Drunk
by Eric Horowitz, ShakedownSports
For many years Nintendo has been helping people get lazier and fatter by making it fun to sit on their asses. Now, thanks the the Nintendo DS network, people in the Seattle area can take that laziness to the Ballpark.
For just $5 Mariners fans can download software which allows them to order food or drinks at Safeco Park from their DS. That's good news for fans who are too lazy to yell "Hey Beerman." Also included in the download is the ability to play networked games and look at live video, stats, and scores.
So far there's only one problem. According to DS Fanboy, the whole thing just isn't very useful.The midday sun made it extraordinarily difficult to see my screen, which is a major problem for something designed for baseball games...Coupled with the service fee, ordering food from the DS just isn't worth it when the vendors are so close to basically any seat...Instead of providing an 'instant replay' option, the video is a live feed about five seconds behind the actual game. It's also tiny-- I could see the action better from my seat, which was basically outside the Earth's atmosphere. Unfortunately, the video is also overcompressed and blurry-- it is impossible to read any of the text that appears on screen, all of which renders as jagged blocks.
It seems that the technology is not quite there, although perhaps as a society we're just not ready to order a bottle of wine at a baseball game without any human interaction. The good news is that we're well on our way to a day when people will be able to attend a baseball game without have to strain their necks looking at the field to find out what just happened.
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