THE PROPHET'S TUESDAY TAPOUT: URINE SOAKED WINO EDITION

by The Prophet, ProphetFighting

Welcome to my second Tuesday Tapout from my new digs in the Rose City of Portland, OR. If you're wondering about the title of this edition of the Tapout, it'll probably make more sense to you if you were around for our live UFC 81 round by round over at Prophet Fighting. If you weren't, you can relive my remarks about how winos/bums/homeless dudes or whatever you want to call them are a "protected species" here in Rip City. Unfortunately (or maybe it's *not* unfortunate) I couldn't come up with a graphic to match the title of this edition. So I've posted a picture of Gina Carano at a weigh-in because I know that our fearless leader Doug will like it...

SUPERBOWL MEA CULPA:

Several days ago I posted a link to my Superbowl selection at BetWWX--a sports handicapping and betting information blog--where I'm a contributing writer. If any of you read that, I want to apologize for it. Not for getting the Superbowl side and total wrong--I was hardly the only one that missed it and it wasn't my fault that the New England Patriots become such an emotionally fragile bunch down the stretch. I want to apologize for even mentioning the 2007 Pats in the same breath as the greatest team in NFL history, the 1985 Chicago Bears. I read any number of articles prior to the game speculating how a matchup between Ditka's "Monsters of the Midway" and Belichick's 2007 Pats would go--I can tell you right now how it would go. It would be ugly. If Tom Brady and the Patriots fell apart under the weight of the NY Giants pass rush, how do you think it would go for them with Dan Hampton, Mike Singletary and the nastiest defense in NFL history breathing down their necks? Brady and Belichick would have been teabagged--not "metaphorically teabagged" but *literally* teabagged.

Someone suggested that the Pats downfall was pissing off the Giants by going ahead and titling the book about their season "19-0". It probably pissed them off, but if the Pats had any stones it wouldn't have mattered. This is another place where the 2007 Pats don't deserve to be in the same conversation as the 1985 Bears. The Bears, if you'll recall, basically called their shot with a horrible rap song and downright pitiful video called "Superbowl Shuffle". And they were such badasses that no one could do anything about it!

Now, I'm not a Pats hater or anything. I honestly could care less about them. And I'm not a Chicago homer (though I've always been a big fan of Jim McMahon) but you've got to be realistic here. Consider how the Pats sleepwalked into the Superbowl with a couple of lackluster performances--the '85 Bears won their playoff games to get to the Superbowl by a combined score of 45-0. Throw in the Superbowl result and that's a 91-10 combined score in the frickin' NFL playoffs! So much for parity...

The only thing the Pats did well on Sunday was play defense--at least until it counted with the game on the line. And while I'm at it, lets talk about Tom Brady....he's got the jewelry and seems like a good guy but he didn't exactly distinguish himself with his toughness on Sunday. While we're comparing the 1985 Bears to these Patriots let's not forget the quarterbacks--Jim McMahon (who attended one of my high school's big rivals, the Roy High School Royals in...uh...scenic...Roy, Utah). McMahon's teammates have said over and over again that they'd "go to war" with the guy--and they didn't mean they'd "play hard" for him. They LITERALLY meant they'd go to war with him. Brady throws a much better ball than McMahon could ever dream of, but Jimmy Mac had a bigger set of balls and sometimes that's the important thing.

And let's consider how the two men handled the media--Brady kept preening for the cameras as he campaigned for People Magazine's "Sexiest Man in America" award and kept answering questions about his wittle hurt ankle. McMahon played most of his career on knees that Bobby Orr wouldn't have wanted and don't forget how he dealt with the media when they were obsessing over a bruise on his ass before the 1985 Pro Bowl: he dropped his pants and showed them the "brown eye". If nothing else, McMahon deserves our respect for how he handled the situation when pulled over for suspicion of DUI in Florida a few years back: instead of arguing with the cop, instead of pulling the "do you know who I am card" he got out of his vehicle and told the cop "I'm drunk; you got me".

Again I'll state for the record that I'm not a Pats hater or anything--I'm more of a hater of unjustified media hype. And I apologize for doing my little part in perpetuating it.

UFC 81: BROCK LESNAR LOSES, ANTONIO RODRIGO NOGUEIRA BECOMES INTERIM HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMP

At UFC 81--which I did another masterful job covering live over at ProphetFighting despite some barbaric working conditions--former WWE superstar Brock Lesnar lost his UFC debut when he got overly aggressive and made the mistake of dangling his ankle in the face of Frank Mir. Mir happens to be a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu black belt and jumped on the ankle like a rabid wolverine jumping on a pork chop, forcing Lesnar to tap to a deep knee bar. Lesnar had dominated until that point and the match went much the same way as Mir's UFC heavyweight title win over Tim Sylvia a few years back--only Lesnar had the good sense to tap rather than wait for his limb to be broken in half like Sylvia did.

In the main event, the aforementioned Tim Sylvia used his height and reach advantage to keep Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira on the outside for a couple of rounds. Early in the third, however, "Minotauro" took Sylvia down and locked in an Anaconda choke forcing the tapout. Credit Sylvia from learning from the Mir loss; he had the presence of mind to tap before the Brazilian choked him into unconsciousness.

The big story of the night was Lesnar, who despite the loss showed a ton of promise. I wrote before the match that the man was no joke, and despite not beating a mudhole into Mir's face for the victory his performance only enhanced by belief that Brock is the real thing.

BARNETT/YOSHIDA SCHEDULED, MIRKO CRO COP NOT RETIRING:

In other MMA news, yet another new promotion launches in Japan with their first show scheduled for March 5th. "World Victory Road", who hopes to emulate the top notch matchups and lame organization name that PRIDE set the standard for, will feature a matchup between judo badass Hidehiko Yoshida and arguably my favorite MMA fighter, the "Baby Faced Assassin" Josh Barnett. Don't be fooled by Yoshida's 7-5 record as a MMA pro: he was basically thrown in over his head from the beginning of his MMA career to capitalize on his huge popularity in Japan. The guy fought Don Frye--maybe the toughest man walking the face of the earth--in his MMA debut! Yoshida is a legit legend in his sport and basically one of the most respected judoka walking the face of the earth. They don't just give away Olympic Gold Medals in judo and Yoshida has one.

Josh Barnett is on a short list of the top heavyweight MMA fighters in the world. He's a former UFC heavyweight champion and went on to an impressive career in PRIDE after that. If you're wondering why he's not in the UFC now it's because Dana White doesn't like him. Really.

This should be a great fight--Barnett is a wrestling monster and I think his size and strength, along with his wide array of submissions, gives him the edge. There's no doubt that Yoshida will show up to fight since he's about the toughest SOB anywhere--after all he had the balls to fight Don Frye in his first MMA bout. He's been in since with a veritable who's who of the sport--the freakishly large and strong James Thompson, Mirko Cro Cop, Wanderlei Silva (twice), Frye, Royce Gracie and Mark Hunt. In other words, he's not going to be intimidated and this has the potential to be a fight of the year candidate.

Here's the latest from our Croatian MMA insider--if you watched Dana White's post UFC 81 press conference you heard him say that Mirko Cro Cop has essentially been MIA. The f-bomb spewing head of the UFC said that he hadn't heard from Team Cro Cop since his last fight and that the Croatian striking machine had until yesterday--the ever diplomatic White called it a "deadline"--to let him know his plans. White insinuated that Cro Cop might retire and this became a big story in the online MMA media and in Mirko's home country. Problem is nobody told Cro Cop about the deadline--he told the Croatian media that he didn't know what Dana White was talking about, that he'd been in touch with the UFC offices in Las Vegas and that he was in training and ready to fight anyone put in front of him. You can read more about this at ProphetFighting by clicking the link below:

Dana White says Cro Cop might retire; Cro Cop says "Whaaaa?" @ ProphetFighting

BACK LATER THIS WEEK WITH BONUS PROPHET PONTIFICATION!

Dammit...I'm all out of time and I didn't get a chance to tell you about my run-in with a couple of urine soaked winos. I want to apologize for getting preoccupied with the MMA news and neglecting to cover what you *really* come here for--to hear about me, my life, and my philosophies of life. To rectify that I'll be back later this week with a bonus column. If I can think of a good alliterative, MMA related word that starts with a "W" I may be back as soon as tomorrow; otherwise it'll be a special "Thursday Tapout"...or a "Friday Frontkick". Anyway, just pay attention...

To stay up to date on the world of boxing and MMA go to ProphetFighting

Visit my Eastern Europe correspondant Edo's site, where you gambling degenerates out there can get wagering tips and advice. It's called BetWWX

Get ready for my forthcoming MMA super center site, "The Savage Science". If "Tuesday Tapout" is a 24 hour adult video store, and "ProphetFighting" is a swanky fightsport commentary boutique then "The Savage Science" will be like a big ass Wal-Mart. Actually, it'll be more of a Target since they have better stuff. You can join the SavSci mailing list by clicking the link below, or by visiting our MySpace profile and "friend-ing" us:

JOIN THE SAVAGE SCIENCE EMAIL LIST!!

VISIT THE SAVAGE SCIENCE MYSPACE PROFILE!!

Until next time, keep the bugs off your glass and bugs off your ass. (I hear CB lingo is due for a big comeback)

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THE PROPHET'S TUESDAY TAPOUT: ROSE CITY RELOCATION EDITION

by The Prophet, ProphetFighting

"I came through and I shall return"
--General Douglas MacArthur

After being relieved from his command of the Allied armies in the Philippines, General Douglas MacArthur uttered this memorable quote. And damned if he didn't do it against all odds, earning the Medal of Honor in the process.

In the proud tradition of General MacArthur, The Prophet has returned. And while MacArthur may have seen firsthand the horrors of war and the Bataan Death March, the Prophet has endured hardships that he could only dream of. It is difficult to accurately convey my journey of the past month or so in this limited space, so look for me to share my tales of valor and courage under the most unspeakable adversity over the next few weeks.

As I oh so cleverly alluded to in the title of this article, I've relocated to the Rose City of Portland, Oregon. While Portland didn't offer the most attractive package of financial incentives and tax breaks, it won the Prophet relocation on the strength of its beauty, livability, fine restaurants, top notch microbreweries, award winning wine and the ubiquity of espresso. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I'm sick of having to drive everywhere so its pedestrian friendly layout was also a major factor and in reality is what earned it the victory in the "Prophet sweepstakes" over the closest contender, Las Vegas, NV. And even though Vegas offered some very attractive financial incentives, plied me with some very attractive and talented "economic development hostesses" for a weekend and agreed to wave some zoning restrictions to facilitate construction of the Prophet/Savage Science office complex overlooking Lake Las Vegas, I didn't want to spend any more time stuck in traffic. I still love Las Vegas and will certainly be spending my share of time there in my role as the "Future of FightSport Journalism" (TM) On a day to day basis, however, Portland is a better fit and a better environment for me to pump out the literary lifeblood that your anemic intellect so desperately needs.

TIM SYLVIA HAD SEX WEARING THE UFC HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP BELT

We'll get back to the important subject at hand--me,my relocation and my future activities--in a moment but I just heard about this today and I'm afraid that the mental image will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Tim Sylvia, former UFC heavyweight champion and big dumb hick from Maine was known during his title reign for wearing his championship belt damn near everywhere. A night on the town at Burger King followed by bowling? He'd have the belt on. A trip to Tractor Supply Company for some cool new threads? He'd be wearing what Ric Flair used to refer to as the "ten pounds of gold".

The "Nature Boy" may have sunk so low of late as to be a Mike Huckabee supporter, but in his prime as NWA champion he was a "kiss stealin', wheelin' dealin', limousine riding son of a gun". He'd never do something as declasse as tapping some hottie wearing the championship belt that men such as Lou Thesz, the original "Nature Boy" Buddy Rogers, the Funk Brothers-Terry and Dory Jr., Jack Brisco and Harley Race wore before him. You'd never hear of Peyton Manning sodomizing some chick with the Vince Lombardi Trophy or MJ gettin' busy with some broad with the Larry O'Brian Trophy. Hockey players being the way they are I can't say for certain that the Stanley Cup hasn't been used in a sexual act though I'd imagine that that NHL players are mindful of the tradition that it entails. Besides, nothing anyone could do with the Stanley Cup could be cooler than Brett Hull drinking beer from it with Vinnie Paul and the late, great Dimebag Darrell from Pantera.

All of that makes this revelation that Tim Sylvia made it with some poor chick while wearing the UFC heavyweight belt around his hairy, Sasquatch-like body all the more disgusting:

“I’ve had sex before with the belt on. That was back in the Ricco Rodriguez days. The night I won the belt I had a sexual experience with the belt on. But hey, I was 25 years old and it was the biggest thing that ever had happened to me in my life. The girl was like hey, are you going to take that thing off. And I said no, I’m not…I’m wearing it and if you have a problem with it, then I’m leaving. And I hate to say it, but if I do win the belt again, then this time it’s never coming off. I’m going to wear it a lot more.”

Here's the original post from "The Takedown" blog

I won't get into this too deeply here, but Tim Sylvia will be fighting Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira on Saturday for the "UFC Interim Heavyweight Title". The fact that Sylvia is once again fighting for a heavyweight title--interim or otherwise--illustrates what a mess the UFC heavyweight division is in at the moment. I'll be writing more about that on my website, where I cover MMA and boxing seriously.

Here's a surprise for you people...if I can work out the contractual arrangements with the management of this website (ie: if I can get them to pay me enough) I'll have a couple of bonus entries this week to make up for the weeks I missed while moving. We'll talk about UFC 81 which will feature the octagon debut of Brock Lesnar in addition to the aforementioned Sylvia/Nogueira matchup....

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THE AFTER PARTY

It's Halloween, so we definitely need some MLB-themed Jack-O-Lanterns! (Home Run Derby)

Brock Lesnar has signed with the UFC. It may be more than a year before he actually fights though. (Rumors and Rants)

Home shopping shill Don West’s 10 most controversial on-air comments (with videos). (Cats and Beer)

Minus A-Rod on the payroll, a cup of beer at Yankee Stadium should plummet from $9.25 to $8.22. (Bugs & Cranks)

Raiders fans are not selling out the game and so they can get coverage of the Colts-Pats game. (Simon On Sports)

Some fan is going to have the chance to buy the sharpie that Terrell Owens took out of his sock. (SportsBiz)

Madtown is home of an annual Halloween street party called Freakfest. Badger poon alert! (Big Ten Poon)

When you use Chinese steroids, do you feel hungry in an hour? (Steroid Nation)

Wait ... Tim Tebow's girlfriend is Lucy Pinder? (With Leather)

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