by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
Before we get into today's list, I'd like to ask you all to visit Hugging Harold Reynolds and vote for your old pal Shooter in this week's Iron Ref contest. Together, we can beat the World of Isaac and Soxaholix menace of non-Scrap titties and Boston-based Web comics.
I'm DMtShooter, and I approve this naked moment of self-serving wankery.
11. By losing Harden, the A's can dramatically lower their health insurance costs
10. By being very good, Harden made the tragic mistake of deserving a salary above the league minimum
9. The A's believe that the idolatry of fans owning jerseys with player names is blasphemous, and that it can only end if they always move players the fans actually know and like
8. Harden's already 26, which means that in four short years, his palms will glow red and he'll be killed
7. When you have the opportunity to get Corey Patterson's brother, you move heaven and earth
6. Matt Murton's failure to get routine at-bats in Chicago despite good offensive numbers must mean that the Cubs R Stoopid, rather than Murton's bad defensively or a clubhouse problem
5. Justin Duchscherer has more than capably filled his role as Staff Ace Who Gets Hurt And Crushes All Hope
4. With the Angels 4.5 games ahead in the division and the club 4 games out of the wildcard, it's high time to fold up the tents
3. Winning before they move into their new stadium is not in their precise and perfect plan
2. BILLY BEANE IS A GENIUS. ALL HAIL BILLY BEANE. I FEEL MUCH BETTER NOW, THANK YOU.
1. Trading a staff ace for spare parts and prospects always works out like the Mark Mulder deal, except when it works out like the Tim Hudson deal
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
TOP 11 REASONS THE A'S TRADED RICH HARDEN
Sunday, June 29, 2008
TOP 10 REASONS WHY KERRY WOOD FLASHED THE OLD DOUBLE HI SIGN
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
10. Really not enjoying the ChiSox avenging last weekend's sweep
9. Highly opposed to Fox's biased baseball coverage
8. Thought he saw Dusty Baker in the stands
7. Hasn't forgiven Fox for the repeated reaction shots of his wife in the playoffs
6. Wanted to see if he could inspire a terrorist freakout in Boston
5. Has Tourette's of the hands
4. New exercise program to prevent further rotator cuff injuries
3. Natural reaction to being in the same ballpark as AJ Pierzynski
2. Got cut off on his drive to the ballpark, and has exceptionally slow reflexes
1. Is secretly twelve years old
Saturday, June 21, 2008
ANOTHER ENTRY FOR OUR $50 MLB.COM GIFT CARD CONTEST
Friday, June 20, 2008
ANOTHER ENTRY FOR OUR $50 MLB.COM GIFT CARD CONTEST
Our newest submission comes from Intentional Foul...
Click to enlarge.Think you can do better? Get your entry in soon!! Details here.
See other entries.
TOP 15 REASONS THE CUBS WON'T WIN THIS YEAR
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
Despite a three-game sweep at the hands of those Amazin' Rays, the Cubs still have the best record in the National League, and appear to have their best chance since the 1908 team to win a World Series. Why won't it happen for them?
15. 90% of their fan base is comprised of people who are either going to agree with everything on this list, or question my sexual orientation for writing it
14. When your biggest celebrity fan (Bill Murray) is alleged to be in a borderline OJ Simpson situation with his soon to be ex-wife, the karma is not right for a championship
13. It would be too close to the White Sox championship (note: yes, the White Sox did win a championship, even though the Chicago and national media more or less ignored it)
12. Kerry Wood is the closer, which means that a Hittable and Tragic Figure needs to come through in the clutch
11. When your fans treat your beloved stadium as an open-air urinal, it just doesn't exactly inspire championships
10. Carlos Zambrano's strikeout rate is at his lowest rate since his rookie year and he's about to miss a start, which means he's incredibly due to have his heart-breaking Prior/Wood-style injury
9. God isn't cruel enough to subject the world to another long-suffering fanbase that becomes utterly and relentlessly intolerable
8. The starting pitching has copious amounts of Jason Marquis, Ted Lilly and Ryan Dempster, which means the bullpen is going to get burned out any minute now
7. Cubs players can never resist, over the course of the year, getting as hammered as their fans
6. Geovany Soto probably can't maintain a +.900 OPS and his status as arguably the best hitting catcher in MLB, especially with a lot of day games and limited playing time for back-ups (mostly, that's Henry Blanco, so you see why)
5. One suspects that they really aren't the second-best offensive and fourth-best pitching staff in all of MLB
4. The last 700 at-bats before changing the laundry says that Jim Edmonds really isn't a good offensive player anymore
3. Eventually, they'll remember that they play in Comedy Central and "relax"
2. Despite their better record this year, getting swept by the Rays is still getting swept by the Rays
1. They are the Cubs
Thursday, June 19, 2008
KENNY WILLIAMS COMEDY HOUR
by T, The Angry T
I am certain that White Sox GM Kenny Williams wanted to let the upcoming series with the Cubs come and go without having to make comments about the Cubs. I am sure he was tricked into making comments like:
"The unfortunate thing for me is it's a shame that a certain segment of Chicago refused to enjoy a baseball championship being brought to their city. The only thing I can say is, 'Happy anniversary' (referring to the 100 anniversary of the Cubs' last world series)."
Damn those crafty reporters, always tricking Kenny into making outlandish and ridiculous comments about anyone and everything, like this for instance:
(on whether he would ever take a job with the deep-pocketed, free-spending Cubs)
"That would be a betrayal," Williams said before a long pause. "God, I would really, really have to need the job. Oh, wow, really need the job."
At this point, Kenny went into a stand-up routine on his feelings on the Cubs, which began with, "It's tough to tell who is under more pressure right now, Neil Cotts to get someone out or the elastic waistband on Lou Pinella's pants. He closed with "Boy that Felix Pie is in a slump huh? It looks like he is trying to hit with Ron Santo prosthetic leg. Too Soon? You been a great group of writers, I'll be in the front office all year, make sure to tip you vendors.
Thanks Ken, but if I want funny, I'll stick with Paula Poundstone.
Monday, March 31, 2008
TOP 10 LESSER KNOWN MODERN MLB LOCAL OPENING DAY TRADITIONS
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
10. Ben Sheets does his "Lucy with the football" routine to Brewer Fans who are hoping for 200 good innings
9. Mrs. Brett Myers "falls down the stairs" after her husband's rough outing
8. All of your loser excuses for skipping out of work for March Madness get recycled for Opening Day
7. Yankee Fan throws team under the bus for failing to land Johan Santana, who would have helped them prevent rainouts and other instances of Un-True Yankee-Like Behavior
6. Cub Fan freaks out about the "Backdraft"-esque nature of the bullpen
5. No matter how crappy the weather or condition of your team, you feel incredibly jealous of people who are going to Opening Day games while you slowly die in your cube
4. ESPN makes you feel a little more dirty and stupid for watching or caring (this is actually true of every sport and every day, but you'll notice it more today)
3. Several MLB+ teams have de facto extra home games against small market teams (Boston "on the road" in Japan, the Mets "on the road" in Florida)...
2. You spend your day wildly overreacting to the fortunes of your fantasy baseball team, secure in the knowledge that what happened today will be perfectly replicated for the next 161 games
1. Winter ends, no matter what the weather is like
MLB SEASON PREVIEW: THE CHICAGO FUK U DO ME'S
by Tony Riazzi, Pray for Mojo
As we begin what will no doubt be the well documented "season #100 since a championship" for the Chicago Cubs, they find themselves in an uncommon and perhaps even uncomfortable position- prohibitive division favorite.
For those of you unfamiliar with the story of the cursed Chicago Cubs, here's the cliff notes: 100 years ago a magic billy goat just wanted to hang out around Wrigley Field and eat the abundant garbage strewn about the surrounding area. Angry that he was asked to leave, the goat used his powers to put a magical curse on Wrigley Field and all who dwell in it, saying that as long as the stadium was in use people would slur their words and have short attention spans. Part of the curse also stipulated that for as long as the stadium stood, men would have to stand uncomfortably close to each other as they pissed into large metal troughs.
These curses still stand today, but despite that I have yet to see one season preview that does not have the Northsiders as their pick to take the NL Central. And rightfully so. Good pitching, solid bats and, a small personal bias here, the best manager in the game not named Joe Torre. But there are reasons for concern. Granted small ones, but considering who we're dealing with here, any concerns are major concerns.
Will Ryan Theriot be a good fit for the top of the lineup despite the fact that he gets on base even less than former ill-suited leadoff man Alfonso Soriano?
Will Ryan Dempster be able to hold 5 run leads in a starting role?
Will Jason Marquis' neck hold up as he watches pitch after pitch hit the firehouse on Waveland Avenue?
Will Kerry Wood hold up over a full season as the Cubs closer? And if by some crazy coincidence he gets hurt, will Carlos Marmol or Bob Howry be able to step in and take the ball in the 9th?
And perhaps the biggest question mark, how will new rightfielder, Japanese import Kosuke Fukudome, handle the pressure of 100 years of shit that he does not understand all while hearing Ichiro comparisons? Poor bastard doesn't even realize what he got himself into.
If he plays well, the Cubs filled one of their most glaring holes and children everywhere will giggle as their parents buy them a T-shirt bearing his name. If he does not, then he joins Hee-Sop Choi as far-easterners with funny names that have not panned out.
But my guess is that these concerns are merely something for fans to panic about before the season starts and everything goes as planned for the '08 Cubs. A couple of years ago this franchise kind of woke up and realized that they could spend absurd amounts of money and go after any players they wanted. While that has not always worked out for the best (See the aforementioned Marquis, Jason), it has resulted in a lot of key guys (Aramis Ramirez, Derek Lee, Soriano, Carlos Zambrano) being locked into long term deals, all but guaranteeing that it will be years before they are out of the picture in a perennially weak division.
Provided Big-Z doesn't meet his demise in a hot tub, and Soriano doesn't snap his spine while sneezing, and a black cat doesn't stare down D-Lee come September, the Cubs will win the division. Not as easily as some are predicting, but they will win it after being pushed all year by the resurgent Cincinnati Reds and the still incredibly young and talented Brew Crew.
Then comes the hard part: the playoffs. That's where, as generations of Cub fans know, the goat tends to really rear his ugly horns.
Monday, March 3, 2008
TOP 10 CHEAP PUNCHLINES FOR THE FELIX PIE INJURY
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
Cubs outfielder Felix Pie (pronounced "Dear God In Heaven, I Think I May Be Sick") missed a few early spring training games with an injury that, well, it rhymes with A Fisted Chesticle. (That's not much better, is it? Oh well. Rolling on...)
10. And if it happens again, he'd be an aunt
9. I knew that Gilbert Arenas prank would lead to grief
8. I'm not saying he's... different... but he's not saying how it happened
7. Who knew any of the Cubs players had the equipment?
6. So much for him stealing any bases for your fantasy league team
5. On the bright side, he's now the front runner in the Tour de France
4. I already saw this on "The Venture Brothers"
3. Scott Hamilton's going to teach him how to land the triple Please, For The Love Of God, Kill Me
2. Heck of an excuse for the decreased testosterone from steroid use
1. John Kruk
Friday, February 29, 2008
TOP 11 REASONS WHY WRIGLEY FIELD CAN'T CHANGE ITS NAME
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
11. Because, as the video shows, you don't really want to see wht Cub Fan is capable of when provoked
10. Unmatched legacy of success
9. If the name is changed, every man, woman and child will have to refer to it by its new corporate name, or risk imprisonment
8. The rules by which every other economic decision is made just can not apply to Cubs fans, who have a delicate condition and constitution
7. It would make a bazillionaire happy, and that just can't happen
6. Drawing out the inevitable sell-out makes for more easy blog grist, especially during the winter lull
5. No other corporate allusion makes as much sense to Cub personnel moves as cheap chewing gum
4. More revenue for the Cubs means even more money for Carlos Zambrano's upcoming hope-crushing surgeries
3. Without an old-time name, people might notice that the place is actually a very overrated place to see a game, if only because so many of the frat boy fans use it as an open-air urinal
2. After becoming the official chewing gum of the NBA, Wrigley would have to raise the price of a pack of gum to $5 to cover the two-sport commitment, and the price hike could be the last thing that sends this country spiraling into an economic Depression
1, Because Cub Fan fears change and the future... because, in the future, they probably still don't have a ring
Friday, February 22, 2008
LETTERS FROM MIKE VICK
by Simon, SimonOnSports
Mike Vick's been keeping up with the news during his down town and even found the chance to write a few letters to folks around the world.
Dear Town of Don Marco,
Hey I don't know how to speak Phillipino, but your shit was the bomb. I would have never thought of horse fighting. Using the female to fire up the males, that shits genious. Should have pulled that one to motivate my dogs. Nothing motivates quite like seein your lady gettin railed on by another man.
So ya I'm wondering if you know if there is any land nearby in the Phil where I can start Bad Newz Hooves with my boys. We need to get some new some new fights goin and dog fightin was getting old anyway.
Holler Back,
Mike Vick
Yo Aramis,
Yo Cock fighting is legal in the DR? Shit why didn't you tell me this years ago? I would have moved my boys there instead of Virginia. Cock fighting seems like a pretty good thrill. Not quite dog fighting but I'd still be down.
So you any chance you need an investment partner? I know of a lot of places to get sick trainers and training equipment. My dogs were almost unbeatable back in the day. So what you say?
If not you know of some land in the DR where I can set up shop myself? I need to bank after I get out of the joint and cock fighting is the top option.
Your Boy,
Mike Vick
WHAT'S THE NEXT LONG-SUFFERING FRANCHISE TO WIN A CHAMPIONSHIP?
by wwtb?, Pacifist Viking
In 2004, the Boston Red Sox won their first World Series since 1918 (what, you didn't hear about this?). In 2005, the Chicago White Sox won their first World Series since 1917 (by the way, look at the White Sox managers in the early 20th century: a guy named "Nixey" was replaced by a guy named "Pants" who was replaced by a guy named "Kid"). If you're not a fan of these teams, you had a chance to briefly feel good for their fans, had a little ray of hope for your own team, then went back to resenting them. But I still find it fun when long-suffering fans get their misery assuaged.
Over at Pacifist Viking, we've used a simply system to define franchise futility called the "Bad Luck Number." There are 30 Major League baseball teams, so in theory, in 30 years each team would have a chance to win a championship. If your favorite team has gone 30 years since either its last championship, its expansion season, or its relocation to its current location without a championship, your team has a Bad Luck Number. Those are the real long-suffering fans.
With a list of these unlucky franchises, we can ask, what's the next team to join the Red Sox and the White Sox in ending a long, long championship drought?
In baseball, two teams with serious Bad Luck nNumbers made the post-season in 2007: the Cleveland Indians (who now haven't won a World Series since 1948) and the Chicago Cubs (who now haven't won a World Series since 1908). Could either the Indians or the Cubs punch through this season? Or could another long-suffering franchise give hope to the masses in October 2008?
In the NBA, there are quite a few Bad Luck teams that appear headed to the playoffs this year. In particular, there are five teams that were founded over 30 years ago and that have never won an ABA or NBA championship: Atlanta, Cleveland, Denver, Phoenix, and Utah. Are any of these teams ready to give their fans their first taste of a championship?
It may seem a little sick, but this is one of the reasons I follow sports. I love a narrative of suffering and redemption, of emptiness following by transcendent joy. When my own favorite teams can't win a championship (and I live in Minnesota--my own favorite teams can't win a championship), I watch to see if any other long-suffering franchise can overcome its own emptiness to reach glory.
Monday, February 18, 2008
BEST USE OF PHOTOSHOP AWARD FOR FEBRUARY 18
Yay, me.
If you do or see some great photoshopping in the future, send it to us and you might win ...
... a kitty!
TOP 10 FALSE SIGNS OF SPRING
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
10. Unseasonably warm weather
9. Mark Prior saying he feels fine after his first spring training session
8. Sighting of the return of seasonal migratory birds
7. Hope in small market MLB towns
6. Buds on trees
5. Fantasy owners drafting their leagues months before games
4. Worker bees leaving the hive
3. Cub fans leaving the AA meeting
2. Bears emerging from hibernation
1. Rhapsodies about Florida and Arizona, which somehow aren't so appealing the other 11 months of the year
Monday, October 29, 2007
CITIES THAT MIGHT COME DOWN IF THEIR TEAM WINS A CHAMPIONSHIP
by Dr. C, Chicago Bull
When Keith Foulke threw the underhand lob to Doug Mientkiewicz to record the last out of the 2004 World Series, I found myself thinking about what might be left of Boston. Those New Englanders sure are crazy about the Sawks and Clam Chowder. But just how far would they take it, addled by plenty of booze? In 2004, 39 people were arrested, while 63 were injured. The USA Today report estimated tens of thousands that were around Fenway Park to celebrate. This time around, 37 people were arrested, with no major injuries to report. While I'm glad to hear things were a bit more settled, it got me thinking. Here's some other cities in America that could be in for some bad news if their team wins in the future:
Chicago: Wrigleyville
The Cubbies will be heading into their 100th anniversary of last winning a World Series next year. The team is good enough on paper to make it happen, and this was the scene after they clinched the division this year. Nothing bad happens, but you can see there's quite a bit of people out there on Addison and Clark. Now multiply that crowd by hundreds of thousands. That is not one place you'll be finding me if it comes down to the final out. I asked one my friends what he do if they won a few weeks ago, and he replied, "I don't even know, and I'm not sure if I would want to find out. Probably something bad".
Philadelaphia:
Philly fans are crazy. They too, like their booze. I mean how can you not laugh at that guy. What a true ambassador for the city. In a town that booed Santa Claus out of the Vet, and hasn't seen a championship of any kind since 1982, Philly would be a war zone with people tossing bombs like McNabb.
Cleveland:
The mistake by the lake hasn't seen a championship since 64' when the Browns blanked the Baltimore Colts. The Indians haven't won since 48', and the Cavs have never won it all. Cleveland could use Rick Vaughn next year to get them past the BoSox, so good luck with that one. I hear the California Penal Leagues are stocked full of talent. -->
Buffalo:
They've never seen a championship in Buffalo, and people are hungry for one... including this guy. I still laugh every time I watch that clip. Just imagine a ton of flames around that guy as he yells for the second time. He's a special spot in hell to welcome Dallas fans.
Oakland:
And finally, Oakland. I'll let the look in this guy's eyes do the talking. The A's are always good, just never good enough, and the Raiders continually suck. There are couple more cities that deserve mention, but here's an interesting fact I found: Of the five cities I listed, three are in the top ten for murder rates. Yep, people are dying for some wins out there.
(Photo courtesy of Boston Globe)
Saturday, October 27, 2007
IS DUSTY BAKER BREAKING RULES ALREADY?
by Jack Cobra, Cobra Brigade
As we all know from the Alex Rodriguez situation, teams can not talk to pending free agents until they are actually free agents. Has Dusty Baker decided to not pay attention to that rule like he used to ignore pitch counts?
Whether it's simply to catch up on the past or plot for the future, new Cincinnati Reds manager Dusty Baker has been chatting with his former Cubs co-aces, Mark Prior and Kerry Wood.
''I talked to Mark Prior [Wednesday], and I've heard from Woody and some other guys,'' said Baker, who will turn his focus to managing the Reds once his current gig as an ESPN analyst ends after the World Series.
Both pitchers could become free agents this offseason, and the Reds are starved for pitching.
You see, he's not supposed to be talking to either one of those guys about anything other than fishing and putting up aluminum siding on their new homes. Both players are still property of the Cubs, he's not even supposed to be able to talk ABOUT them. Dusty always had a bit of an ego, so maybe he doesn't think that rule pertains to him? I'm hoping someone from the MLB Offices looks into this.
Baker went on to rip the Cubs Organization in the rest of the article:
''The thing I'm most curious about is I haven't heard what was wrong with Mark,'' Baker said. ''Usually, you hear torn labrum or rotator cuff. I would like to know at least where and what was wrong.
and then....
Baker was reminded that the Cubs were more secretive during his watch in 2004, when the team insisted Prior's inactivity that spring was related to ''right Achilles tendinitis'' -- the ailment still listed in the Cubs' media guide for the pitcher's two-month stint on the disabled list -- instead of elbow trouble that eventually was reported by the Sun-Times.
''I know what it was,'' Baker said. ''I'm not going to say.''
Finally.....
As he did upon his arrival in Chicago, Baker is portraying himself in Cincinnati as a recruiter of talent. It never really happened with the Cubs -- unless you count the Neifi Perez signing in August 2004 -- but he promises to be more vocal about the hand he is dealt in Cincinnati.
''I'm hoping that if we do lose some players,'' he said, ''that I can be more assertive about reloading vs. just accepting what you're given.''
That could be perceived as a complaint about the talent he was given with the Cubs. Did Baker stay mum on what he wanted in Chicago?
''I've always done that, everywhere I've been,'' he said. ''You've never heard me say, 'I need this, I need that.' I've always accepted what I was given. I figured I could make it work no matter what it is.''
Ok, I was tired of Baker a few years ago and I'm already tired of his this off-season. By talking about these players, specifically, it has to be a violation. He is a member of the Reds Organization at this point and this is...tampering. It's not that Wood and/or Prior would play for Dusty, since he ruined their careers. It's that he's already trying to push people around. The Cubs need to report this quickly and make sure Dusty stays in line....
(Originally published 10/26)
Friday, October 26, 2007
THE BLOG WISER HOT SEAT: MR. BLOTTO
by Rupert and Stan, Ghosts of Wayne Fontes
We’re back folks for another Friday, but not just any old Friday here at EC. We’re giddy as school kids around here as one of our favorite bands dropped by to talk chat about sports and a few other odds and ends. Chicago natives will definitely know the one and only, Mr. Blotto, and the rest of you are about to find out what you’ve been missing. Both Paul and Mike “Chief” Bolger joined us for the interview, so there is a pair of responses for each question. For those of you who are interested in checking out some incredible musicians, we’ve got a little compendium at the end of the post. In the meantime, let’s get down to business.
Ghosts: This has been just a brutal month for Chicago sports fans. What are you doing to cope with the Cubs colossal collapse? Any thoughts on where they go from here?
Blotto (Paul Bolger): It’s starting to look like something supernatural is happening. I can’t really quantify it as yet but I feel there may be significance in the mascot of a team. I mean a rattlesnake (diamond back) eats a bear cub in nature, and that’s what happened on the field. Who is a cub (or worse Cubbie) gonna devour? We need to play teams in the playoffs with mascots like the “Buffalo Peanuts” or the “Colorado Mealie Worms.”
Blotto (Mike “Chief” Bolger): I don't know what to do. Years of Cubs dominance of the league has left me utterly unprepared. You could hear a pin drop all week at my house. I've been walking in circles in the dark, chanting. It seems to help. Also, huffing paint. I suppose there's always next year, but that seems like such a cop out to say.
Ghosts: What about the Bears? How did they go from having the most fearsome defense in football to giving up 331 yards on the ground in a single game, primarily to a rookie… To the fucking Vikings? Shit, even the Lions beat the Vikings.
Blotto (Paul Bolger): Losing Brown was bigger than people think. How many times did that guy pick off a pass and single handedly turn the momentum of the game around. Brown was to defense what Hester is to returns: a guy who actually wins close games for you.
Blotto (Mike “Chief” Bolger): As to the Bears, anyone can go from really fearsome to having a weak season. (see previous response to #1).
Ghosts: Assuming you don’t view Brian Griese as the future of team, who would you rather see playing quarterback? Of course, you may employ a wish list if you like.
Blotto (Paul Bolger): First of all, Griese ov
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