by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
So much better, in fact, that you'll want to email me at dmt shooter at gmail dot com to claim one of the few remaining slots in my league, the Leather Crown Cult. (No, seriously.) Now, on to the list.
11. Points, not head to head. So you were really excited about winning your matchup because your field goal kicker hit a last-second... sorry, I passed out in the middle of your hypothetical, because it was SO FREAKING MEANINGLESS. Play for points, forget your small sample size silliness, and accept the idea that the best team should, you know, actually win. A pox on your H2H.
10. It's an auction. If you like serpentine drafts, you probably also like cuddling and just being friends. Step up and play a man's game, people. You do not have Mad Drafting Skillz because you had the foresight to win the first pick drafting position and take that Tomlinson guy. In my world, if you want LDT, you're going to spend hard to get him, and run the risk of not having enough to be competitive on the rest of your squad. So sac up already.
9. Keep your redrafts. This is Keeper League. Enough with living and dying with a guy for one regular season, then tossing him aside and flushing the whole thing for next year. In keeper leagues, you can taste that sweet low money bid luckout for years to come, and have the guy that you missed by a buck haunt you for years. That's good drama!
8. The right amount of money. Guys that play for free... I'm thinking they also scrapbook. Guys that play for huge jack are probably getting a visit from a loan shark at some point. You want enough buy-in to ensure that no one stops trying (the keeper league aspect helps there), and that the check at the end of the year is worthwhile. More or less than that, pass.
7. No fees. Leagues that charge for transactions are UnAmerican, dammit. (Besides, if you do a keeper league, add/dropping scrubs that you can't keep next year gets a lot less attractive.)
6. Live and in-person draft. There is no substitute for the best day of the year to be a nerd; for this, I will brook no argument. Being trapped in a room with your fellow degenerates for hours on end, cracking highly offensive jokes at each other's expense, and just wallowing in the timewaste... it's pure, it's uncut, it should not be missed. And your online drafts are infant strength in comparison.
5. An Honest to God War Room. My Man Space comes equipped with the Throne seen above, and is also below the earth. You will get in touch with your inner cave man, and you will tell your spouse that there is no cell phone reception down here. (There is, of course, but she doesn't need to know that.)
4. Throne Bidding. See that throne? It's in the Man Space. It's Gold, Bitches. I can die like Elvis now. So can you, though I'd much rather you didn't. You can also stick your hand out of the curtain and bid on Jeremy Shockey, while producing your own Jeremy Shockey. That's Class!
3. Production Values. Big Board? Of course. Board Babe? That would be telling. Fog machine? Check. Strobe lights? Got it. Theater sound system to pump out your entrance music? That's just how we ride, dog. Spend the time from now until the draft obsessing about what's really important -- your team name and entrance music. Aw Yeah.
2. Utter shamelessness. By now, I think you've gotten a bit of the point of the Leather Crown Cult, but for the mouth breathers, let me spell this out simply. If you're going to be a big fantasy sports nerd, just own it. Don't pretend to be casual just to give yourself a fallback position for your team sucking.
LCC owners know that they're going to spend an afternoon neck-deep in timewaste; we're not going daintily into that pool. We're tucking in the legs, jumping off the high board, and trying to push all of the water out with a truly epic cannonball. Dainty ain't shit.
1. Dork Artifact. And the piece de resistance... an actual, physical trophy. I'd show the Leather Crown to you, but the concentration of that much Total Awesomeness in one blog post could easily shut down the Internets. Just know that if you join my league, you will see it, touch it, and dream of one day walking down the street wearing it on your head, just to see how many random women lunge out of their homes and cars to service you sexually. Because it's just that damn cool. (You will, of course, never own the Crown, as I will crush you. But you are permitted to dream. For now.)
Feel free to ping me for an invite, or attempt to take some of these ideas for your own league. (It will still not be as good as mine, but it will at least have Partial Awesomeness.)
You're with DMt in Leather...
Thursday, July 17, 2008
TOP 11 REASONS WHY MY FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE IS BETTER THAN YOURS
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
TOP 10 THINGS TO MISS ABOUT THE SPECTRUM
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
The home of the Philadelphia Flyers and Sixers (in that the place was owned by the Flyers' owner, and the Sixers were always second-class citizens), as well as a million treble-tastic concerts, is being torn down to make way for shops, restaurants, and the destruction of any illusion that I'm not older than dirt. Here's a list of what I will miss most about the old barn.
10. Noise. When the new building was constructed, it became apparent (just as when the Eagles left the Vet for Lincoln Financial) that something great and intimidating had been lost. Whether it was the fact that people who would cheer like their lives depended on it had been priced out of the building, or that the new building was too large and sterile and absorbed anything the crowd could throw at it... well, some from Column A, and some from Column B. All I know is that with the exception of the 2000 AI Sixers run that utterly captivated the town and made everyone scream like lunatics to overwhelm any building, the local team has never really had a similar home-court advantage again. (And even that team lost all three games at home in the Finals.)
9. Lax security. In my '20s, I lived in a terrible part of Philadelphia, and lived as a borderline homeless person. My mom, upon seeing the place for the first time, handed me her stun gun, which I put in my backpack and more or less forgot about. (Later on, I got a shotgun. Woo hoo!)
When I'd go to Sixers games ($10 tickets, up high, during the Highly Available Shawn Bradley / Doug Moe Era), I'd bike down from work and carry the same pack as always... and was never checked for the weapon.
Which means that I had the ability, albeit from more than a considerable distance, to work my way down to the floor and, possibly, electrocute Armon Gilliam and/or Tim Perry.
You young'uns, remember, it's the opportunities that you don't take in life that you regret...
8. The Ring Of Fire. Adding to the no checking backpacks policy, the third level at the 'Rectum was usually lightly patrolled by security. So it's not overstating the case to say that you could get a serious contact high from being up there. Those clouds of smoke weren't always from pyrotechnics.
7. Tinnitus. When I tell you the sound was bad in that place, I mean it was NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN. It's done wonders for my marriage!
6. Utility. There's something mildly appealing, on some silly level, to being in the same seat for different events (provided it's an indoor thing, and the arena is used for the more or less identical floor surface). No one complains, for instance, that Madison Square Garden is used for different purposes, or that the old Boston Garden had a pipe organ in the rafters. You could always point to some remote corner of the building that hadn't been visited by a soul since the last time Michael Jordan was in town, and say, "I sat there for Rush, dude." (OK, it was actually Yes. I hate myself.)
5. Location. You could walk, if you were brave and limber enough, to some good South Philly joints from the place -- and since they were a good mile away, you also had a reasonable shot at getting seats pre or post game. Add that to the easy freeway access, reasonable public transportation options, and bikable proximity to my old hovel, and you had an arena that felt more like a magical neighborhood haunt. Plus, since all of the teams are/were contained to the same zip code, there was a certain kind of electricity to just be in the area. (This, somehow, doesn't seem to be the case anymore. Perhaps because the seats are 4X as expensive as they used to be. Anyway, moving on.)
4. (Relative) Affordability. This probably had more to do with the lack of hold that pro basketball had over college ball in town (the cognoscenti will still rather go to the Palestra, and they are right to prefer that place). So you could get high center court seats for less than you'd spend on concessions. Yes, folks, I'm so old that I remember when going out to see a pro sports team didn't cost much more than the movies. Come, little girl, sit on my knee and take some clothes off. You're making me hot just looking at you.
3. Aggressively bad concessions. Look, stadium concessions *should* suck. When they don't, you're just going to eat and spend yourself stupid. At the old 'Rectum, you got the same bad dogs and over-iced soda as you would at the Vet, and if you didn't like what was being served at this stand, you could always go over to the next one and get... the same damned thing. Kept your mind on the game, it did.
2. Public transportation. Affordable games provoke people using affordable transportation, and in my time, that was the highly doubted Broad Street Line. Painted in day-glo '70s orange and populated by the same liquored up people who had just snarled their way through a heart-breaking loss, it provided dinner and a show, as it were. Would the guy who jumped the turnstile provide more fireworks? How about that homeless guy that smells like a restroom? See the effect that they are having on the terrified people from the suburbs who will never take this train again... but don't make eye contact yourself, or you'll be part of the drama. Some nights, it was better than the game, really. (And yet another reason to take the bike.)
1. Dreams. Like a kid growing up with an alcoholic parent who loved it when Dad got silly and never connected the dots to the other problems, the Spectrum warped the young minds that went into it and blinded us to its flaws. We saw only the meaningful games and life-changing events that happened there, and scarcely realized that these memories could happen in any other building, in many different towns. We all saw ourselves playing at the Spectrum, and if you gave anyone from my time and place the chance to suit up and go knock down some jumpers, or just skate on the same bad ice as Da Flyers did, we'd be there in a minute. Wearing old uniforms.
So while intellectually, it's just another building going down, it's more than that emotionally for Philly Fan... and since we're all about the emotion, we'll be holding our non-ironic lighters high, remembering some particularly vile swear words at the ref, and seeing our heroes, fading in our mind's eye.
Save me some debris.
(Oh, and here's a link for you to wallow in.)
Monday, July 14, 2008
TOP 12 FORCES OR EVENTS THAT COULD SAVE US FROM FAVRARO
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
Hello, my name is DMtShooter, and I'm a Favraholic.
I am powerless before my addiction to fill my sports blog with Brett Favre's latest comings, goings, itches and decisions.
So are you.
It's the perfect storm of Sports Dead Time Plus Irresistible Jock Itch.
And I... am... powerless to stop it.
But there are forces that can.
12. Child trapped. Maybe this is too old-school to really get the sports media off the Favre Hagging, but if the child is cute enough -- I'm thinking no more eight, and hopefully with a missing winsome baby tooth -- it's possible.
11. Mass hypnosis. Clearly, as we are dealing with a large percentage of football fans that continue to let Favre suckle at the publicity teat without turning on him, this has happened before. All we need is a very big shiny object, and the right droning voice that will let Packer Fan know that they are getting sleepy.... sleepy.... very sleepy....
10. Terrorist scare. We haven't one of these in a good long while, and with a presidential election coming up, we're just about due for a good pants-wetting. After the Bad Mail, Lite Brite or Shoe Fireworks keep us from voting with our brains, we'll gladly give up any hope of civil liberties and a Favre-free NFL telecast. Remember, if we're not talking about Brett, the terrorists have already won!
9. Missing white women. If I've learned anything from The Media, it's that the world stops when a Girls Gone Wild Goes Missing, preferably in a swarthy climate with sweat-soaked b-roll footage. Come on, Dolphin or Charger cheerleader -- get yourself abducted and/or famous. You could end up in a Lifetime movie, and your poon shots would have a certain over the top guilt factor in the bathroom.
8. Killing spree. Hey, I'm not an inhuman monster here -- I'm not hoping for the violent deaths of innocents just to help readjust media coverage away from Saint Brett. I'm thinking, say, people attending Redskins summer camp. That way, it's a win-win for all of us, and Sean Taylor's Ghost will have some company, and the Native American populace will get some tiny measure of payback.
7. Stake in heart. If Aaron Rodgers really wants this job, all he's got to do is break into Favre's crypt shortly after dawn with a wooden stake and good aim. Hey, if an angsty blonde teenager that's probably not even a hundred pounds soaking wet (and that's how I likes 'em) can do it a few hundred times, why can't he? (And speaking of people who need stakes in their hearts, someone get Joss Whedon to stop dicking around and make something already. I don't give a crap that Fox broke his heart when they canceled "Firefly." Boo freaking hoo. Get to work and stop wasting your gift, jerk. And we now return you to your regularly scheduled Favre HateFest.)
6. Violence against animals. Can't someone plant an abused kitten or twelve on the Favre Estate? Your local PETA activist, who hasn't really had enough to do since Vickgate, will thank you. (Off camera, of course. And if she shaves, that's good value, especially given the inevitable Daddy issues. Just don't leave your real number. Ah, memories.)
5. Heroic disease. This just in... Favre contracted Lou Gehrig Disease from Curt Schilling's kids. (I just assume, since he named them after the Iron Martyr, that they had it.) Or he got HIV from shaking hands with Magic Johnson as they were constructing housing for Katrina victims. I'll take what I can get here, folks -- even if it means decades of PSAs. JUST MAKE THE PLAYING / NOT PLAYING STOP.
4. Global warming. Finally, the lower standard of living that you'll be forced to endure just so that snooty liberals can make everyone live with less (Muhahahaha! Komrades, we have finally achieved the perfect gambit to defeat Capitalism!) pays off. Once the Canadian permafrost melts, Wisconsin will be flooded, and given the general aerobic state of its residents, I'm not counting on them being able to get out of the way of slowly rising water. Once the Cheesetards are gone, Favre will be sure to follow.
3. Domestic pandemic. Let's all breathe deep and take in that Asian Bird Of Death Flu that was supposed to take us all out a few years ago. Sure, the living will envy the dead, but you can't make a Bird of Death Flu without breaking a few pandemic eggs.
2. Angry black men. Someone call Reverend Wright, and tell him that there's no black quarterback that's done what Favre's doing -- and if you are counting by rings, Doug Williams has ever right. Heck, Steve McNair was gutty and well-liked by his teammates; couldn't he have drawn out his semi-retirement for a few more years? IT'S A CONSPIRACY! Get that Angry Black Man in front of a microphone, stat!
1. Thermonuclear War. The ultimate horror will be survived by only Keith Richards and the cockroaches... neither of whom have shown much of an interest in football, other than as a way towards their next meal. So even when (not if) Saint Brett survives the horrors and the nuclear winter and the meltdown, there won't be anyone to pay attention to his widdle boy will-I-or-won't-I routine. Which you'd think we could achieve without the thermonuclear war, but just to be sure....
Sunday, July 13, 2008
TOP 11 NEXT ACTIVITIES FOR THE GREEN BAY FAVRE PROTESTORS
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
A crowd of over 100 people chanted for the return of the Packers to the sloppiest quitter in NFL history today. What's next for this life-free political organization?
11. Picketing CBS to bring back "Jericho"
10. Petitioning the NFL to retroactively award Favre more Super Bowl titles
9. Sedate Aaron Rodgers and castrate him physically, to go with the mental one
8. Reanimate the corpse of Vince Lombardi, so that he can also tell the Packer management to give the team back to Favre
7. Working on that time machine to bring Favre back to the time when he was actually good
6. Digitally altering all of the pick-tastic Packer playoff losses under the Favre Regime
5. Lobbying the Wisconsin legislature to legalize Vicodin, in case Brett decideds to go back on it
4. Pressuring the Academy to retroactively award a Best Supporting Actor to Favre for his work in "There's Something About Mary"
3. Going over to egg Jerry Glanville's house
2. Resurrecting Favre's dad, so that they can can kill him again before every game, making Favre the best quarterback ever
1. Going home to ritualistically masturbate to posters of Favre, like they have for every other day of the past sixteen years
Friday, July 11, 2008
TOP 10 NAME CANDIDATES FOR THE NEW OKLAHOMA CITY NBA TEAM
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
According to the World Wide Lemur's Bad Tooth podcast, the current leading candidates for the new name are the Barons, Thunderbirds, Thunder and Outlaws. I'd go into why all of these suck canal water, but that should all be obvious from just, well, reading them. So in our continual site mission statement of Making It Better, here are some better options, all of which are actual plural nouns, the way that God intended.
10. Bombers. Works well for three-point shooting and honors the memory of the city's best known transient, Timothy McVeigh. Besides, with the Bullets becoming the Wizards, the Association has a real need for an old-school aggro name.
9. Runners. Kind of a cousin to the Sooners, but with more of a basketball feel. Also a sideways glance at the team's non-specified Seattle history.
8. Kicks. The town is on the famed Route 66, which really needs to be re-recorded as an unfortunate hip hop track... because I'm thinking that the Nat King Cole original won't really work out.
7. Transients. Think of the old-school hobo logos, the fantastic differentiation from every other franchise, and the built-in excuse for when the team tanks. I'll also gladly take Railway Hobos here, though that would be a ridiculously long name.
6. Hornets. Look, the New Orleans team should be the Jazz. The Utah team should be the Choir, or the Bees (Utah has a ton of them), or the Special Underwears. And until someone forces the issue, it's not going to get fixed. The NOOCH experience is the reason why Oklahoma City has a team; honor it.
5. Drillers. Works for the town's oil history, is a common basketball verb, and is a perfect double-entendre experience for when the team suffers its first paternity scandal. Just hire Shawn Kemp to advise, and the headlines write themselves.
4. Blackjacks. It's a club, a card game, and a popular indigenous tree. It also sets up the franchise for their next carpetbagger move in five years to Vegas. Think ahead here, people.
3. Beavers. Three large lakes and many dams belie the town's more or less dust-choked land-locked feel, and it also leads itself to an astounding amount of 12-year-old boy giggles and ironic merch purchases. Besides, kids love beavers, and you can get Jerry Mathers to show up. (He's available.)
2. Twisters. The town has been hit by more tornadoes than any other US metro area, partly because the metro area is very large, and most of the Midwest doesn't have a metro area to get hit. It also lends itself to bad old dance numbers and a possible Tropicana sponsorship.
1. Thieves. It's what everyone will be thinking of them for at least the first ten years after the Seattle move, and it gives them kind of a bad guy Raiders vibe. Besides, getting steals is a good thing in basketball, and you could have the NBA's first sexy mascot (i.e., a girl in a catsuit).
Vote for your favorite, or add your own name candidate, in the comments...
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
TOP 11 REASONS THE A'S TRADED RICH HARDEN
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
Before we get into today's list, I'd like to ask you all to visit Hugging Harold Reynolds and vote for your old pal Shooter in this week's Iron Ref contest. Together, we can beat the World of Isaac and Soxaholix menace of non-Scrap titties and Boston-based Web comics.
I'm DMtShooter, and I approve this naked moment of self-serving wankery.
11. By losing Harden, the A's can dramatically lower their health insurance costs
10. By being very good, Harden made the tragic mistake of deserving a salary above the league minimum
9. The A's believe that the idolatry of fans owning jerseys with player names is blasphemous, and that it can only end if they always move players the fans actually know and like
8. Harden's already 26, which means that in four short years, his palms will glow red and he'll be killed
7. When you have the opportunity to get Corey Patterson's brother, you move heaven and earth
6. Matt Murton's failure to get routine at-bats in Chicago despite good offensive numbers must mean that the Cubs R Stoopid, rather than Murton's bad defensively or a clubhouse problem
5. Justin Duchscherer has more than capably filled his role as Staff Ace Who Gets Hurt And Crushes All Hope
4. With the Angels 4.5 games ahead in the division and the club 4 games out of the wildcard, it's high time to fold up the tents
3. Winning before they move into their new stadium is not in their precise and perfect plan
2. BILLY BEANE IS A GENIUS. ALL HAIL BILLY BEANE. I FEEL MUCH BETTER NOW, THANK YOU.
1. Trading a staff ace for spare parts and prospects always works out like the Mark Mulder deal, except when it works out like the Tim Hudson deal
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
TOP 11 THINGS YOU CAN INFER FROM MILTON BRADLEY'S NEW YORK TIMES ALL-STAR BLOG
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
See it for yourself here...
11. Milton's got a surprisingly effective and discrete ghost writer
10. Now that he's been to the All-Star Game, the umpires are not going to annoy him ever again
9. Since he's playing in the game and Billy Beane isn't, that means he wins
8. Like Jackie Robinson, he is also black, a target of hatred, and a carbon based form of life
7. His Mom is important to him, and in all likelihood, better than yours. Dad, not so much
6. He's down with Jebus, who clearly wanted him to be with his seventh organization at age 30
5. Once again, the nay sayers have taken it on the chin. Oh, you nay sayers. Will you ever learn?
4. His posts will be, shall we say, very lightly edited
3. He's looked and looked, but still hasn't seen Jeff Kent
2. The Ryan Lefebvre incident from just four weeks ago, and the dozens of similar experiences before that, are all bygones, baby
1. The NY Times is hoping, big-time, that there will be An Incident that makes their sports secion relevant
TOP 10 WAYS IN WHICH THE BRAVES BETRAYED JEFF FRANCOEUR
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
"After three years, after playing hurt, playing every day, going in every day whether I got a hit and never complaining, I just played because Bobby [Cox] kept putting me in the lineup. But I just felt like a little three-minute thing -- 'Hey, you're going down' -- I feel like after three years, I was owed a little more of an explanation... You almost felt like they had made [their minds] up before the game. That's where I felt frustrated, where I felt a little betrayed." -- Atlanta OF Jeff Francoeur, who was hitting .234 when sent to AA last week, and was recalled less than three days later (rather than the three weeks he was quoted)
10. Cared more about their stupid won-loss record than his needs
9. Hit him seventh in the lineup, even though that made him sad
8. Insisted on comparing his output to other major league outfielders, rather than someone with special emotional needs
7. Insisted on playing tonight's game (a one-hit shutout loss to the Dodgers) without him, rather than delay the start of the game to wait for his arrival
6. Didn't take into account how badly he's feeling for all of the fantasy league owners that he's let down
5. Refused to see the value in his .206 batting average in June
4. Totally dismissed the value of the hundreds of friends, families, and inbred hill people who come to Braves games just to see him
3. Pronounce his last name like it's French or something
2. Don't seem to believe that he can just pray his way out of any slump
1. Kept seeing other outfielders
Sunday, July 6, 2008
TOP 10 REASONS WHY JASON VARITEK IS AN ALL-STAR
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
10. Too hard to spell Pierzynski, Rodriguez, Suzuki, Napoli, Olivo or Hernandez
9. While his .219 batting average isn't as good as back-up Kevin Cash's .229, he does have the nod in OPS (.661 to .626)
8. He's 36, and might not get to play in many more All-Star Games that he has no business being in
7. Makes the last-place team in your fantasy league feel better about his drafting strategy
6. Gives Tennis Fan an especially bitter moment of Suck It, since people would rather talk about this than the Epic Wimbledon Final
5. Considering that Boston Fan also voted in David Ortiz to DH despite stinking in April and being hurt in June, why the hell not
4. Takes most of the starch out of that Dustin Pedroia over Ian Kinsler argument at second, since Pedroia can actualy play a little
3. American League players who voted Varitek in wanted to make sure that it's not just the fans that can completely bone these picks
2. American League tired of winning every single one of these things
1. Something good had to finally happen for those poor tortured Boston Fans
Friday, July 4, 2008
TOP 10 ESCALATING MOMENTS OF SPORTS FAN INDEPENDENCE
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
10. Stop watching in the regular season after being mathematically eliminated from the playoffs
9. Rooting for fantasy players against your team
8. Throwing your team under the bus on a sports radio call-in show
7. Refusing to buy throwback or new uniform gear
6. Betting against them as part of a reverse jinx, pool, or larger parlay
5. Refusing to learn about their draft picks or minor league players
4. Betting against them in a straight and sizable bet
3. Not watching meaningful regular season games
2. Not watching playoff games
1. Utterly and completely renouncing your fandom
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
TOP 10 CONDITIONS IN WHICH I'D WELCOME A BRETT FAVRE COMEBACK
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
10. He joins the Bears, dyes his beard black, and beats interviewer Dorsey Levens with a steel chair
9. Rejoins the Packers and gets beaten out for the starting job in pre-season; spends the rest of the year sulking with a clipboard
8. Signed by the Cowboys to provide "insurance" for Tony Romo
7. Goes to Miami to make Bill Parcells' head explode
6. Moves to the CFL, so that he can finally play in a really cold environment
5. Tears off his latex makeup and reveals himself to actually be Dan Majkowski
4. Agrees to finally sit down and face the heat of an interview with me (and if you don't, Favre, you're a coward)
3. Changes the spelling of his name to finally make phonetic sense
2. Uses his messianic powers to first pull all U.S. troops out of Iraq without an escalation of hostilities while reducing gasoline costs by 50% and reversing the rise of greenhouse gases
1. Doesn't play for any team that I'm rooting for, since he'd just throw the backbreaking interception to end their season (yet again)
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
TOP 12 REASONS WHY THE US MENS BASKETBALL TEAM WON'T WIN GOLD
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
12. Critical error of selecting four point guards and just three big men causes complete collapse of morale
11. Kobe's teammates just aren't talented enough
10. Refs in the medal round are from Iraq, Iran and North Korea
9. There's no way that Jason Kidd can defend Angola's Milton Barros one on one
8. Presence of Head Coach Mike Krzyzewski means that most of America will actually be rooting against the team
7. American NBA players curl into the fetal position when confonted with the horrors of zone defense
6. LeBron James and Jay-Z will be distracted by a rap battle with Sarunas Jasikevicius and Mister Sinister
5. Three point and free throw shooting always goes to hell when players have to shoot in metric
4. Can't hope to compete with Spain and Argentine's incredible "Fall Down And Cry Like A Little Girl For A Call" technique
3. USA Select team (Aaron Brooks, Channing Frye, Jeff Green, Devin Harris, Andre Iguodala, Al Jefferson, Jason Kapono, David Lee and JJ Redick) left their confidence shaken in warm-ups
2. Brutal every-other-day schedule will destroy NBA players who are used to their playoffs lasting six months
1. If things start going badly for the home team, they've got a very impressive bench
Monday, June 30, 2008
TOP 10 FANTASY FOOTBALL ANNUAL TRADITIONS
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
Bought your first wildly premature football annual yet, in the hopes of somehow catching the rest of your league unaware about this Adrian Peterson person? You will... and when you do, you might recognize a few things from past years.
10. This is the year that Expected Starting Denver Running Back gets those carries, and in other news, Lucy is definitely not going to pull the football away
9. Just because the top-ranked placekicker in pre-season is never the top-ranked guy at the end of the year doesn't mean you can just pick one at random
8. Despite the fact that rookies rarely if ever make a huge impact, you really need to know about at least 40 guys at each skill position
7. The QB and WR who had the career year last year is obviously the top-ranked player at his position, because he's just going to do it again
6. Scheduling for your league's playoffs is critical, because we all know who will have a good defense fourteen weeks into the year
5. Last year's standout performer and awkward interview subject turns out to be -- what a coincidence! -- a big fan of fantasy football
4. The team that didn't make any major moves in the off-season clearly isn't serious about making their team better, because we all know that teams can only get better by constantly changing personnel
3. The players that were overly hyped last year have proven themselves to be morally inferior by not living up to expectations
2. The guy that won their big money tournament last year is puffy, white, and photographically regrettable
1. Despite the fact that it's mostly a crapshoot over which player gets hurt and when, you will somehow convince yourself that you can win just through your superior intellect and canny purchase... of the same magazine that just about everyone else in your league also bought
Sunday, June 29, 2008
TOP 10 REASONS WHY KERRY WOOD FLASHED THE OLD DOUBLE HI SIGN
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
10. Really not enjoying the ChiSox avenging last weekend's sweep
9. Highly opposed to Fox's biased baseball coverage
8. Thought he saw Dusty Baker in the stands
7. Hasn't forgiven Fox for the repeated reaction shots of his wife in the playoffs
6. Wanted to see if he could inspire a terrorist freakout in Boston
5. Has Tourette's of the hands
4. New exercise program to prevent further rotator cuff injuries
3. Natural reaction to being in the same ballpark as AJ Pierzynski
2. Got cut off on his drive to the ballpark, and has exceptionally slow reflexes
1. Is secretly twelve years old
Friday, June 27, 2008
TOP 11 PLANS FOR WHEN I WIN THE "MIKE & MIKE" AUCTION
Mediaweek11. Take one for the team of humanity by creating a rat infestation
An episode of ESPN Radio show "Mike & Mike in the Morning" is being auctioned off to listeners. Money from the auction will go to the V Foundation for Cancer Research. People bid online in early July and the winning bidder will have the show, hosted by Mike Greenberg and Mike Golic, broadcast live from their home or property.
10. Re-enact any number of moments from the "Home Alone" movies
9. Introduce them to my Texas Rat Snake
8. Crank up the heat and take bets on who gets naked first
7. Pick a Mike to torment, run a vacuum cleaner whenever he speaks... and every five minutes, switch
6. Make back the money spent by selling tickets that come with rotten fruit, vegetables and stones
5. Have a neighbor call and claim that we are the victims of a home invasion
4. Decorate the house with posters of any and all competitors
3. Make pastries with marijuana and Ex-Lax and dramatically improve the discourse
2. Keep asking them what their names are again
1. Bribe my young daughters to say "Those bad men touched me" to the police
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