CHEERLEADER NFL SEASON PREVIEWS: MIAMI DOLPHINS

by Simon, SimonOnSports

We here at EC feel bad for fans of the teams with no hope, so instead of doing a serious football preview, we will show pictures of some of your cheerleaders and ask 'them' questions.

Johanna

1. Describe Chad Pennington in One Word: Flacid

2. Who is Your Favorite Dolphin? Flipper

3. Name one defensive player on the team? Jason Taylor got traded right? Um I got no one.

4. How many games will the Dolphins win? 3, we'll be good til Ricky gets busted for dealing...

5. What week do you think the Dolphins will be eliminated from the playoffs? Mathematically or Logically? Mathematically uh like week 10, logically yesterday.

Kristy

1. What's more likely to Happen Ricky Williams Busted for Pot or Ronnie Brown Gets Injured? Didn't Ronnie already get injured? Uh either way I'm going with Ricky getting high.

2. What is the Dolphins Head Coaches Name? Uh, Tony Mustache Guy

3. I say Big Tuna You Say? Gross?

4. Are You Excited that Terry Glenn is now on the roster? Since when do we allow Shes on the team?

5. Will the Dolphins Make the Postseason? I don't think anybody in Miami is going to kill them.

Bibana

1. Which Dolphin player would you like to be romantically linked to? None, I don't date losers.

2. If you were Vegas and you were setting an over/under on the week that Pennington gets injured your number would be? Can I say Preseason?

3. What would you give to have Tom Brady as your Quarterback? Well if I was a Virgin it certainly would be that.

4. Who's gonna get cut, Josh McCown or John Beck? Hopefully both.

5. Would You Rather Watch the Dolphins or Re-Runs of Dancing with the Stars? Jason Taylor, obviously

Iveiry

1. Bill Parcels brought in a bunch of players from his other coaching regimes, what do you think about that? I'm pumped to be a mixture of former Jets, Patriots and Cowboys that those teams no longer wanted anymore.

2. Describe Ted Ginn in One Word: Bust

3. Would Usain Bolt be the best wide receiver on the Dolphins roster if he was signed? Yes

4. Would the Dolphins win the Arena League Title if they were eligible? Probably Not

5. What should Dolphin fans look forward to this season the most? It being over.

Thank you to all the beautiful ladies that participated in this your Epic Carnival Miami Dolphin season preview.

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TOP 10 SIGNS THE DOLPHINS DIDN'T WANT JAY FEELY

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

Today in Miami, placekicker Jay Feely was cut after the most accurate season in Dolphins history. In his exit interview with the press, Feely alleged that Dolphins management never made him feel welcome after the changeover to Bill Parcells. What were the clues?

10. Team brought in other kickers, and had them set up in his locker and sleep with his wife

9. Special teams coach kept asking, "Are you still here?"

8. Parcells had photos made of last year's captains, with large red X marks on all personnel

7. Kept bringing up "what you did in Seattle"

6. Told to stop being such a Jesuit, and a biped

5. As a Michigan alumni, made to answer for the crimes of Lloyd Carr

4. Parcells told him, point-blank, that every time Chris Berman referred to him as "Touchy Feely" during their time together at ESPN, he burst a blood vessel

3. Unlike the other kickers and punters, had to bus tables and pay for lunch at training camp

2. Given the nicknames "AJ, "Norwood", and "Unemployment Compensation Claim"

1. Um, he's a freaking kicker... does anyone ever want those guys?

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MANUFACTURED JOY - MIAMI DOLPHINS

by Zac, Throwing Into Traffic

Manufactured Joy is a new series in which we'll be going through the NFL team by team, from the bottom to the top, and giving fans five good reasons why they should be excited to watch their team in action this season. First up, the Miami Dolphins.

1. Jason Taylor is cool with playing football until his dance career blossoms!

It took a couple of weeks, but it looks like the Miami front office finally decided that playing nice with it’s best player is the right call for a team in desperate need of his veteran leadership. Sure, he made some weird power plays and has made a stinkface about the team this offseason; the fact of the matter is that last year, in a BAD year with little to no help from the rest of the front seven, Taylor racked up 11 sacks, good for 13th in the league (and amidst competition with much more backup). Whether or not they eventually trade him, giving him away for nothing would have been the wrong play.

2. Not just one QB of the future, but TWO!

Yeah, so maybe this is an overstatement. Still, there had to have been something the team liked about second year QB John Beck for them to pass up a shot at Brady Quinn, and for what it’s worth I don’t think last year’s use of him as a sacrificial lamb was a particularly fair showing. Meanwhile, waiting in the wings is rookie QB Chad Henne, who somehow looks like he weighs a little more every time I see him on camera. Is he slowly letting loose his girdles one by one every time the press turns away? In any case, the end result here appears to be that the Fins will have two young arms that they believe in competing for the same job. Call it an embarrassment of riches, or call it a straight up embarrassment, but at least there are two whole levels to dig through before anyone starts talking about Josh McCown. Focus on the positive, people.

3. Bill Parcells is on the job!

I like Bill Parcells as a personnel man, particularly when you consider his ability to build a defense. That said, this was really just an excuse for this photo…


Has there ever been a worse endorsement for an athletic product? Just look at the still capture on those flab rolls in motion! I don’t know what the hell Gatorade Tiger is, but I’m pretty sure Tiger Woods has a defamation suit worth damages of twelventy billion dollars on this image alone.

4. Jake Long was the right pick at #1!

DE Chris Long is probably going to be a good defensive end, and Matt Ryan could turn out to be a great QB, but neither of those two were the sure thing that Jake Long is going to turn out to be at left tackle. At 6’7”, 315 pounds, long has the ideal size for the position and the incredible athletic skill to go along with it. Though pass blocking will be tweaked, it is for pretty much every rookie o-lineman, and people already say he’s coming in as a better run blocker than OT Joe Thomas (last year’s stud tackle and a large part of the Browns’ resurgence) was when he entered the league. Oh, and after an entire college career, Long only picked up TWO penalties, so he brings the kind of consistent intelligence you have to like on your line’s most important position.

5. Ricky Williams is back (seriously guys…come on…I mean it…)!

Everybody take a deep breath and acknowledge that at the very least, the following is true: The question is not whether or not Ricky Williams is a great football player, but whether Ricky Williams wants to play football. Check the numbers: In 2005, working the kind of platoon duty he’ll see with Ronnie Brown this year, Williams averaged 4.4 yards a carry. In fact, he’s had yet to average under 3.5 yards in any season where he’s played for more than one game, and he’s rushed for at least 1000 yards in ever season where he’s been a feature back aside from his rookie campaign. Sure, he’s a 31 year old at a younger man’s position, but bear in mind that he’s had a lot of time to rest, and therefore probably has more miles left in the tank than most backs his age, particularly when he’s splitting time. In the end, on a team with the kind of pass offense Miami has (I DARE you to name more than one receiver), and a star running back who’s had trouble with injuries recently, Williams is going to be a major factor in whether or not the Fins can make anything happen on the scoreboard.

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TOP 10 VIEWS YOU WON'T HEAR EXPRESSED ABOUT THE DOLPHINS AND JASON TAYLOR

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

10. Dancing on television does not alter your sexual orientation, and your orientation is very likely to be irrelevant to your ability to play football

9. A veteran star defensive end does not need training camp for team success (see Strahan, Michael)

8. Bill Parcells was a .500 coach in Dallas and a shameless media whore everywhere

7. "Voluntary" off-season workouts are an absolute and utter crock, and no one has ever won or lost a game in May

6. Maybe, just maybe, the Dolphins are looking to cut salary of a 33-year-old defensive player, independent of any other consideration

5. After enduring the last few years of Dolphins Football, it's a wonder Taylor hasn't just pulled a Barry Sanders

4. Nearly every other NFL player would have also gone on the show for the paycheck, if asked

3. No one would have cared if Taylor stunk

2. Taylor is doing the right thing for his long-term earning potential, and any Dolphin Fan that has a problem with that needs to answer if they wouldn't do the same at their job

1. The rules are, and should be, different for players who can actually play... and the Dolphins really don't have many of those to waste on petty team tyranny

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OPTIMIST/PESSIMIST - THE AFC EAST DRAFT CLASS

by Zac, Throwing Into Traffic

OPTMIST/PESSIMIST will take a look at the NFL through both sides of the glass: The one that is pleasantly half full and the one that is bitterly empty. Today, we look at the AFC East Draft class.

Buffalo Bills:

OPTIMIST:

Alright Bills fans, you might want to be sitting down for this: Your team had one of the best first days of any team in the draft. With everyone creaming themselves over workout wonder Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie or soon-to-be High Times Athlete of the Year for 2009 Aqib Talib, the Bills stuck to their guns and took the most stable and proven corner in the draft in Leodis McKelvin, who will impact the return game as well as adding another versatile piece to a scary looking secondary. Then, with equally flashy, equally untrustworthy DeSean Jackson on the board, the Bills recognized need over highlight fodder and took 6’6” target James Hardy, forcing teams to lay off of blanketing Lee Evans and leaving the opposite side of the field open. That’s an intelligent, well thought out draft if I’ve ever seen one.

PESSIMIST:

Oh yeah, Bills, it’s a much better idea to take Leodis McKelvin instead of the corner who’s much better at the position or the one who’s much more athletic. Best to stick with that mediocrity formula that’s got you staring down the barrel of a decade long playoff drought. Also, kudos to you guys for thinking it’s a good idea to take a player with known personality problems and stick him in one of the most depressing, God-forsaken cities on Earth. You just know he’s going to get found with dead bodies in his car when he inevitably snaps midseason.

Miami Dolphins:

OPTIMIST:

When people are comparing your number one draft pick to Joe Thomas, only potentially MORE intelligent at the position, you know you did something right. Furthermore, there’s something to be said for a front office keeping its wits about them and taking SIX linemen with nine picks. Parcells has been around the block long enough to know that bad teams become better by winning in the trenches, and steals like Shawn Murphy and Phillip Merling will go a long way toward winning at the line on both sides of the ball.

PESSIMIST:

It’s too bad that lineman don’t catch touchdown passes, because I doubt Ted Ginn Jr. will be doing much when teams routinely throw three guys on him because there’s nobody else to cover. No worries though, because I doubt that Josh McCown (whom failure has made look like he has a drinking problem), Chad Henne (was it me, or did get fatter every time ESPN cut to him on draft day), or John Beck (nothing like being told you’re not performing as well as Cleo Lemon was to build a kid’s confidence) will be doing much damage through the air anyway.

New York Jets:

OPTIMIST:

I’m a total homer, but even if I wasn’t, I’d still think that Vernon Gholston has the ability to revolutionize a team’s pass defense on his own. Fine, he took plays off in college; when you can bench press the guy lining up across from you, it can be hard to stay motivated sometimes. The key here is that the team finally picked up a player who will fit perfectly into their 3-4 scheme, especially given an offseason devoted to adding solid role players to support him.

PESSIMIST:

And if the draft was only one round long, the Jets would be the big winners. Unfortunately, you still need to stick around for the remaining six rounds, and I’m not sure the team made a single good decision after Gholston (which was kind of like getting credit for spelling your name right on an exam). Trading up to make sure you can get Dustin Keller is dumb; doing so when every single quality WR prospect is still available is even dumber; doing so when you already have two TEs and are forcing Laveranues Coles and Jericho Cotchery into ill-fitting #1 and #2 receiver roles, respectively, is the height of stupidity. Uness Marcus Henry is the steal of the draft (Optimist’s note; And he might be…) the Jets are setting themselves up for another season of snoozefest offensive football. Oh, and way to take a quarterback that everyone says has a noodle-arm. It’s not like you guys already have one of those, or anything.

New England Patriots:

OPTIMIST:

Seriously, f*ck this team and their prudent, well-reasoned, financially responsible drafting. Jerod Mayo steps into a linebacking corps that will be able to show him the ropes early. If he can add that kind of knowledge to what many people believe to be the best physicality of any LB prospect, this defense may have just gotten irritating all over again. Also, Kevin O’Connell is going to be a stud. The kid throws a pretty deep ball, has serious wheels, and can throw on the move. If he doesn’t have to step into the signal calling role too soon (and let’s face it, he probably won’t see significant PT for at least three or four years), he’s got time to hone his unique physical gifts and emerge as the sleeper QB of this draft class.

PESSIMIST:

Could someone explain to me how it makes any damn sense to take a quarterback in the third round with plenty of corners on the board and a defense that has us all heralding the arrival of Eli Manning as an elite QB? Other than that…dammit…they actually did a decent job of bolstering special teams and not reaching…dammit I hate this team.

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OFFSEASON MOVES YOU MISSED: MARTY BOOKER RELEASED

by Zac, Throwing Into Traffic

Offseason Moves You Missed is a new feature that will highlight the NFL offseason action that didn’t receive as much attention as it deserved.

It’s safe to say that you didn’t see much of Marty Booker last season. Why would you have? I’m pretty sure Dolphins games got lower ratings than late night TV on The Abortion Channel (oddly enough, that’s in the same cable package Comcast wants to use for the NFL Network). Still, after a season in which pass attack offenses came to the forefront, it’s worth noting that a 31 year old proven receiver who has averaged almost 14 yards a catch in a career with the Dolphins that has seen twice as many starting quarterbacks as it has seasons was let go for peanuts.

What makes this all much more significant is that every single successful team in this year’s playoffs had at least one solid receiver that you would certainly have to call a possession receiver (with the exception of San Diego, a team that has three legitimate playmakers operating vertically on offense). Furthermore, with Wes Welker having reinvented the position of slot receiver, you have to imagine that Booker will be getting a lot of calls, particularly by teams who lack a reliable second or third target to go with their downfield threat.

Still, the team that will really be affected by this is Miami. In a year in which Bill Parcells and his goon squad (Tony Sparano makes Jack Del Rio look like a foppish dandy) have professed that they’ll be going “old school” (the single most irritatingly cliché term in football strategy) and looking for “character guys,” the front office has managed to cut their leading receiver from the team. How is “character” not a guy who managed to show up to play and lead the team in receiving while being thrown to by the likes of Daunte Culpepper, Joey Heisman, the still moving corpse of Trent Green, John “Big Love” Beck, and less talented Daunte Culpepper? And he did it all all while the team is approaching historical levels of awful play (I don’t care if they went 1-15, the 2007 Dolphins are the worst ever). For anyone who’s watched the last several seasons unfold in Miami (the NFL Films equivalent of a snuff film), it’s been very evident that the team has had no interest in building around it’s solid, character guys (this move seems eerily similar to the team letting Randy McMichael go last season…an equally stupid move in terms of receiving targets…and his middle name is ALSO “Montez”…creeeeepy…). With this latest move, it’s looking like Parcells and co. are primed to repeat history by ignoring it.

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CHEERLEADER FRIDAY

by DCScrap, Editor

Hey boys, it's Friday! And you know what that means? Cheerleaders!

Dolphins fans, your team sucks donkey butt, huh? Well, playoffs, schmayoffs, at least you have a nice group of girls doing some sideline dancing for you.

A group of Miami Dolphins cheerleaders made an appearance at a Virgin Megastore in London. Why? Who the hell knows. The fact remains that they did and some horny bastard took pictures.

Here's two of the lovely ladies sitting at an autograph table. Why would anyone want their autograph is beyond me, but hey it is the U.K. Maybe they hadn't seen hot women like this in a few years. I kid.

Cleavagy!

Say cheese doodles!

Nice angle.

Who'da thought dancing in a record store would be a part of the job description?

We hope you enjoyed this week's look at some of this country's finest athletes and entertainers. Be sure to check back next week when we profile yet another one of America's sweethearts of the sidelines.

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TOP 11 REASONS BILL PARCELLS TOOK THE MIAMI JOB

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

11. Pretty sure that he can't make things worse

10. Brings his Pokemon-like obsession of collecting East franchise gigs to five

9. Golden opportunity to show up Jimmy Johnson

8. Gets him far away from Chris Berman, who emits a nightmarish odor of stale onions, curdled milk and sad compromise

7. Couldn't resist the chance to work with a class act and solid citizen like Wayne Huizenga

6. Opens up the playbook in his continuing desire to mess with Dan Marino

5. Drew Bledsoe needs a job -- any job -- really, really bad

4. Like many 66-year-old men, he can't resist moving to Florida so that he can leer at the sweet young South Beach poon

3. All part of the worldwide conspiracy to get Falcons owner Arthur Blank to put a bullet in his head

2. Looking forward to jerking Cam Cameron around for a good long time before he puts the knife in his back and takes the coaching job

1. Gives him something to do before his next retirement

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BUYER BEWARE WITH PARCELLS

by Ed Valentine, Valentine's Views On Sports

Memo to the Miami Dolphins.

It might be too late for this advice already, since it appears Parcells has agreed to become VP of Football Operations for Miami, but here goes. Do not trust the Big Tuna.

As a Giants' fan, I have a soft spot for Parcells, who won two Super Bowls with the Big Blue. I wish he had never left.

Parcells, though, is a football vagabond.

He might not be Nick Saban or Bobby Petrino, but when is the last time Parcells stuck around to finish something he started? New England? Uh-huh. The Jets? Ha-ha. Dallas? Nope, even though it turns out they are doing just fine without him. Oh, and then are Parcells flirtations with Tampa Bay, and now Atlanta.

Tuesday morning Parcells was telling people he was Atlanta-bound to become Arthur Blank's VP of Football Operations. By Tuesday afternoon, he had blown off the Falcons and announced he was talking to the Dolphins.

I can't really blame the Dolphins for taking a chance on Parcells. After all, they are an embarrassment and he is a Hall of Fame coach with a legendary eye for talent, and you know that whenever he goes someplace the team gets better.

Buyer beware, though. Parcells is like a kid with Attention Deficit Disorder. No matter where he goes, he'll soon tire of his surroundings. Then he will bolt, regardless of what type of disarray he leaves in his wake.

The Cowboys have been lucky. They have survived Parcells' departure just fine. When the Big Tuna abandons the Dolphins, which he inevitably will, they might not be so fortunate.

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I'M CALLING YOU OUT, WCT

by WCT, The Ship of Fools

“Calling You Out!” is a periodic segment where WCT takes people to task for irresponsible journalism, foolhardy activities, or just general douchebaggery. Nothing is sacred, no one is spared, watch your ass mister! You could be next!

Today, I'm calling myself out. I spent most of the late afternoon on Sunday pacing around my apartment muttering "I'm so stupid! I'm so stupid!" like Fragile Frankie Merman from that Seinfeld episode. Only the frigid temperatures kept me from running into Central Park and burying myself in a hole.

Last week, I stupidly talked about how much I was cheering for an 0-16 Miami Dolphins record. I spoke about the winless season as if it was a foregone conclusion. Like clockwork, the Dolphins went out and won their next game, overcoming a 13-3 halftime deficit. How dumb am I?

I almost didn't even write the post, simply because I thought (as it turns out, correctly) that talking about my dream of an 0-16 season would jinx it. In the middle of the post, I commented on how writing it was like talking to a pitcher in the middle of throwing a perfect game. Yet, for some reason, I kept going. What a moron.

I am not, however, the only one who is at fault here. Kicker Matt Stover missed what would have been a game-winning field goal in overtime. And soon-to-be-unemployed Head Coach Brian Billick also deserves some of the blame for his horrible decision to kick the tying field goal in the final seconds of regulation rather than go for the winning touchdown with the ball inside the 1-yard line. Or how about just blaming the entire Ravens roster and coaching staff, for blowing a 10-point lead and ending up in an overtime game with an 0-13 football team quarterbacked by Cleo Lemon?

Miami's come-from-behind, overtime win was a disappointment on a Sunday filled with let-downs. I expected feet of snow and 30 mph winds in New Jersey to wreak havoc on the Redskins-Giants game and turn it into a circus. Didn't happen. I expected to see New England bludgeon the New York Jets to get revenge for ratting on the Pats about spygate. The result was nothing but a ho-hum 20-10 yawner. I at least thought that Eric Mangini and Bill Belichick would come to blows at midfield during the post-game handshake. Instead it was nothing but another terse handshake. Bo-ring.

So, as it turns out, the 2007 Miami Dolphins will just be an awful, awful football team, rather than a record-setting, history-making joke of a team as I had hoped. And the game next week against the Patriots is just a mismatch between two teams, rather than a clash of one of the great teams in pro football history and one of the worst.

So to all of you who shared my dream, I apologize. There's always next year. And I promise that if someone is 0-13 next year, I will not jinx the dream season on a blog in week 15.

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'72 DOLPHINS GET THE JOB DONE

by DCScrap, Editor

Starting with a golf tournament Friday -- and capped by an on-field tribute at halftime Sunday -- the organization has arranged a weekend celebration to honor the 35th anniversary of Miami's Perfect Season. Nearly the entire 1972 team will be represented.

That was the word prior to today's Dolphins-Ravens game.

Well, it must have been an inspiration because THE DOLPHINS HAVE WON!

"We give them the utmost respect, but we have a job to do Sunday. They're coming back to be honored for the job they did, and we have a job to do presently," said Jason Taylor earlier in the week.

This week they got the job done.

'76 Bucs, you're record is safe!

Herald

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SIDESHOW ALLEY: BRYANT GUMBEL IS AMAZING...LY TERRIBLE

by Dr. C, Chicago Bull

What's been worse this year; the Thursday night schedule of games thus far (outside of GB-DAL), or the three hours every week listening to Bryant Gumbel? After getting bad reviews everywhere in various media, Gumbel admitted he didn't have a good year in the broadcast booth last season. So I ask you, what has changed? He sounds exactly the same; little quips here and there.

Why doesn't he listen to his brother call a game? Greg Gumbel sounds excited when calling games. He provides a decent listen, and does a good job overall interacting Dan Dierdorf, which in itself deserves praise. I'm surprised he doesn't wear a parka with all of the slobbering speeches Dierdorf gives about the tight end (and that's not necessarily always the position he's describing). Something, anything, would help Gumbel at this point, and it sure as hell isn't those stupid lozenges he was sucking on during the Bears-Redskins games this past Thursday.

What may be even worse than having to listen to Gumbel is the fact that someone chose him to do the games... and let him come back on for another season! Look, he sucks, I think we can all agree on that, but to bring him back? Einstein said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again thinking you'll get different results. Please, NFL Network, review this statement thoroughly and consider it. He's not going to change.

GREENY IS THE HOST OF SOME NEW STUPID SHOW: "Duel" -- A one-hour, high-stakes tournament-style game show to air over six nights with the final winner to get over $1.5 million, will premiere MONDAY, DECEMBER 17 (8:00-9:00 p.m., ET/PT) on ABC. The game show will air each night during the week (not Saturday) with the finale on SUNDAY, DECEMBER 23 (8:00-9:00 p.m., ET/PT). Mike Greenberg (ESPN's "Mike and Mike in the Morning" radio show) is the host. "Duel" will feature head-to-head matches with nerve rattling game play rewarding contestants who embrace shrewdness and manipulation to win. If contestants can react quickly under pressure and outsmart their opponents using strategy and deception, intellect and skill, they could walk away with a life-changing prize. One of the 24 contestants will win the jackpot.

According to ABC's press release, the game is a cross between Who Wants to be a Millonaire and the World Series of Poker. Interesting concept, I guess, but if this is their way of giving us more Phil Hellmuth, I will not be pleased. Can you imagine having Greeny and him in the booth? Good God. I can't stand Mike and Mike in the Morning because they overplay their stupid Golic: tough fat guy - Greeny: skinny puss roles. It's beyond annoying, not even taking into account Greeny's whiney voice. I might give the show a shot hoping that Greeny sticks to the scripts, but one mention of the Jets and I'm out.

THE DOLPHINS ARE FUN TO WATCH: While the 'leader continues to ejaculate praise all over the Pats, there's a team out there that everyone should be watching. That's right, the 0-13 Dolphins. Why would anyone want to watch a team that sucks so bad that the "quarterback attempted a play-action fake with no one in his backfield?" Because it might be a long time before you see a team play this bad against a bunch of mediocre teams again. There are only about five teams in the league that are legitimate, and one of which is untouchable. The rest of the 27 can beat each other at any point, or should I say 26. Only the 76' Buccaneers have pulled off the winless feat, and with luck we'll have the second team ever to finish as the biggest disgrace in NFL history, (even more so because they have an extra two games to lose). With that mind, I'll be rooting for the Ravens, Pats, and Bengals in the upcoming three weeks, but with a schedule like that I doubt they need my support; it's pretty much in the bag like the fan to the right.

PAY-ROD SAYS ENJOY YOUR COCKROACHES OR GET OUT: And finally, I found an interesting article on the New York Times about A-Rod the Landlord, not A-Rod the player. Apparently some of his apartment buildings he's owns in Miami are worse than your average dump: “My mom comes here and she ain’t no rich person, but she thinks I live in the projects,” said Miguel Ruiz as he sat on the second-floor landing of Building 2-A on a recent Sunday afternoon. “She’s scared to come over here, for real.”

The article goes on to describe A-Rod's tactics to get people to pay on time, such as jacking up the late fees from $50 to 100 on $600/mo. apartments, if you can even call them that. On top of that, they also dug into his charities and how much they actually donate.

In eight years of available documents, donations averaged $30,000 a year and gifts distributed to the community averaged $13,000 a year. In 2002, A-Rod did not contribute more than $5,500. In 2006, the foundation did not give away more than $5,090 despite a fund-raiser that collected $368,000.

Wow. For a guy who is worth more money than the states of Rhode Island and Delaware combined, he sure knows how to spend it... on himself.

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THE MIAMI DOLPHINS ARE MY HEROES

by WCT, The Ship of Fools

For me, the weekends immediately after the end of the college football season are somewhat depressing. Don't get me wrong, I love the NFL, and college basketball provides a nice bridge between football season and the start of baseball. But the end of college football is, in my mind, the sign that the fall, my favorite season, is officially over. But this year, one thing has kept me happy where I would normally be in a malaise. One thing has kept a smile on my face and a spring in my step through what is normally a down time. That thing is the Miami Dolphins.

In a season where it seems like the quality of play seems to get worse and worse every week; a season where Brock Berlin (yes, that Brock Berlin) can make a start for the Rams and Shaun Hill (I follow college and pro football religiously. I have no earthly idea who Shaun Hill is) can take non-garbage-time snaps for the 49ers, it is the Dolphins who continue to set the bar for sucking.

As I'm sure you know, the Dolphins are 0-13. This week they allowed 24 first-quarter points to the Bills and eventually lost 38-17. Last week, the second-worst team in the AFC, the Jets, came to Miami and destroyed the Dolphins 40-13. This team has given up. They are comically bad, and because I am filled with schadenfreude, that makes me very happy.

Part of me feels like just writing this post is a little like talking to a pitcher who is throwing a perfect game, so I will tread lightly here, but we all know what is at stake here. I mean, we are all in agreement, right? They have come this far, we all want them to finish this thing, right? Is there anyone who is cheering for the Dolphins at this point? Am I the only miserable son of a bitch who is emotionally invested in this? I literally check two scores every Sunday, the Browns' (my favorite team) score to see if they are winning, and the Dolphins score to see if they are losing. I can't be the only one doing that, can I?

I fear that I may have jinxed things, so if the 'phins (I am anal, and it pisses me off that people call them the "fish") pick up a "W" this week, you can send your angry letters to me. Otherwise I definitely think this is do-able. The game this Sunday against the Ravens (who will be fresh from getting their doors blown off by the Colts) scares me. When you are struggling, Kyle Boller under center on the other side has got to be a sight for sore eyes.

I hope you'll join me in cheering for this to happen. The finish line is in sight, I know they can do this.

Pic:AP.

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THE BEER TENT: 'TIS THE SEASON FOR TROUBLE

by dswinder, Sons of Sam Malone

Here at Epic Carnival, we meet weekly under The Beer Tent to shoot the shit. I, dswinder, will be the ringleader, but you can join in on the discussion every Tuesday at 3ish.

Oh, the Holiday season. There's nothing like it. Why, with smells of mistletoe, gingerbread, Christmas trees, and coaching vacancies wafting by our nostrils, well, it's enough to drive any man into a state of eternal bliss.

Though its still early, we've already been treated to a horn o' plenty of college football head coaching job openings. Even Ole Miss gave their General the boot, and we all know they rarely rotate coaches (five since '93). Now that Orgeron is out, the Rebels are left with a vacancy in the midst of the SEC. Wait. My sources tell me that Ole Miss shall want no longer. It appears they've landed the Nutts.

Yes, as you've surely already had roll through your feed reader, the Ole Miss Rebels have filled the seat left open by departing Ed Orgeron with recent Arkansas resigner, Houston Nutt.

Oh Ole Miss, what ethics you have. Oh, how you fire coaches after you've exhausted the cause for hiring them in the first place (see: David Cutcliffe/Eli Manning graduation). Oh, how you easily forget what it means to have five winning seasons, going 44-29, while bringing the university its first ten win season in three decades. Oh, how quickly you lose all memory of certain text messages when hiring a replacement for Eddy O.

What? You forgot? Surely no one fails to remember that Houston Nutt has a history of being quite textually active with a certain blond media member.

Oh, it's not that the Rebels forgot that they want to put academics first. It's not that the texts slipped their minds. No, I think it's more that teams today are willing to sacrifice ethics for the sake of what they see as winning by way of a trouble maker.

Like Ole Miss, the Indiana Hoosiers enjoy throwing ethos out the door. Yes, IU possesses quite the fondness for recruiting violations. Kelvin Sampson anyone?

Sampson didn't just break official rules while coaching Oklahoma, making hundreds of illegal phone calls to recruits. He also managed to step on the collective toes of the Big Ten, and break the unwritten code of recruiting within the conference. One would think it reasonable enough to expect coaches within your conference to back off players who have already given a verbal commitment elsewhere within the same conference. One would think. But not to ole Kelvin. You see, just in case anyone forgot, Kelvin Sampson thought it perfectly ethical to heavily recruit Eric Gordon, drawing the top recruit away from conference rival, Illinois.

And I won't begin to address Alabama and Nick Satban.

But this complete lack of ethics isn't an epidemic trapped within the confines of college athletics. Lest you forget the Miami Dolphins just recently showed their willingness to give second, third, fourth, and five millionth chances to a player who has an unhealthy obsession with the ganj. Sure the Phins are off to an 0-11 start (0-10 pre-Ricky), but does a running back who's been out of the league for two years really remedy a situation as pitiful as they have going in Miami? Apparently not. After that 6 rushes for 15 yards and coming up injured performance last night, it looks like the Dolphins will find themselves in need of a new trouble maker with which to fix this problem of a team. May I suggest Maurice Clarett?

No, it's definitely not Alzheimer's or any other form of memory loss to blame for these ridiculous hirings. The blame can be laid solely on the backs of a lack of ethical fortitude. Well, that and maybe the scent of mistletoe, gingerbread, and Christmas trees.

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THE NICKELODEON: PLEASE REPAIR ALL BALL MARKS

In case you missed last night's mudfest between the Stillers and the 'Phins (and man we really hope you did), it was a joke of a game played in conditions not suited for humans. The "highlight" of the game (other than the thrilling late