by Stamos, Brahsome
Brahsome.com is back again for another installment of Egg On Your Face. The basic idea is we scour the newsreels to find someone / something that egged worse than all others, and then bash them relentlessly for several hundred words. This week, we found it tougher than usual to select the Eggie recipient as so, so many people egged so hard. Southern Cal losing to Stanford? UCLA taking it from Notre Dame? Trent Green going for a cheap block and likely ending his 'illustrious' career? But, in the end, there was one group who deserved it more than any. Think you know who we're talking about? Not so fast....
So you were probably thinking it's the Yankees and Joe Torre, who bowed out for the 3rd straight year in the ALDS despite having a payroll larger than the GDP of almost every country in South America. And you'd be partly right. However, we thought that it wasn't really just Torre or the Yankees that really egged last week. It was the entire state of New York. Let's review some things that happened to the great Empire State last week.
1. The Yankees. This has been beat to death by everyone else already, so we won't bore you too much. But a team with a roster including Damon, Jeter, Abreu, ARod, Giambi, Posada, and Matsui, all at one time or another all-stars, just shouldn't be getting worked by a team starting Asdrubal Cabrera, Franklin Gutierrez, and Kelly Shoppach. Fan fave Jeter was up with runners on the corner and 2 outs in the 6th with a chance to get the Yanks back into it, and slapped his way into the 4-6-3 DP. Torre's out, Mo Rivera is looking around, and the Yankees are probably not going to resign ARod or ABreu. All of a sudden, the Yankees might remember that when they were really great about 10 years ago, their team was full of Paul O'Neills and Bernie Williams's's's. Maybe they'll try to build from within this time around as opposed to paying another 35 year old has been $15 large large per.
2. The Bills. So, you get two pick-sixers and a kickoff return for a TD, and you think you're in pretty good shape? Uh-uh. You forgot that you've got a disgraceful offense that could only supply 3 points, and you're playing against a Cowboys team that has scored more than everyone but New England. So, despite being on the better end of 6 TOs, you cave and let a rookie kicker bang through not one, but TWO 53-yarders (thanks to the absurd TO right before the guy kicks it rule). Nice work, Bills, especially on the day when you're honoring Thurman Thomas for his HOF induction.
3. The Jets. You might try to tell us that the Giants won, so that's something good for NY. But then we might tell you that they are the friggin New Joisey Giants. Very few self-respecting New Yorkers call themselves Giants fans. It's all about J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets. Well, the Jets are awful. Pennington is awful. Tom Jones is awful. And this weekend they were on the business end of a beating from a darn bad Giants team, with Eliza Manning at the helm. That's right, Jets fans- you got beat by a team with a girl quarterback from north jersey. Nice.
4. Knicks / Zeke Thomas. Well this is a pretty pleasant situation. Thomas, after tearing apart what was once a very successful franchise and building a team of misfit thugs that finished a cool 16 games under 500 last year, found himself in the middle of a sexual harassment scandal. Now we all know Thomas has long been a 'bad boy,' dating back to his days with Laimbeer and Dumars, the Microwave and the Worm back in Motor City. But this is quite a stain on the Knicks. $11.6 mil from the team, likely some sort of punishment from Stern, and a black eye on a franchise that was already in the tank. Ouch.
So New Yorkers, hold your head high. Look up to the stars for tomorrow is another day. But, you might want to wipe that egg out of your eyes first- it probably stings a bit.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
THE EMPIRE EGGS BACK
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
YO, WILLIE, YOU GOT SOME EGG ON YOUR FACE!
by Kigh, Brahsome
In a era where press outlets love to spew hyperbole and call every team or person the 'best ever' this or 'worst ever' that, it's refreshing when a team comes along and actually earns the distinction...which is exactly what Willie Randolph and the New York Mets have done. The 2007 New York Mets have provided us with the worst (or best if you're from Philadelphia) collapse in Major League Baseball history.
Chin up, Willie. It's not all bad news. This cloud comes with a silver lining. Not only did Mets GM Omar Minaya announce today that he's got your back ... but that splotch of dookie on your grille ... no, left a little ... no, highe..yeah that's it. That's a big pile of motherf*cking egg on your face, son!
When it came time to put this week's Egg On Your Face piece together, it was difficult for us to justify honoring anyone other than Willie Randolph. Willie's Boys went 5-12 down the stretch and became the only team in history to not finish in first place after owning a seven game lead with seventeen to play.
Just how bad was September for the Mets? Well, let's take a look:
They were up seven games on September 12 (which also matches the worst September collapse in baseball history).
They had a September staff ERA of 5.14.
The lost a 7-3 lead against the Nationals on Sept. 18.
The blew a 7-4 lead against the Marlins in the bottom of the ninth on Sept. 20.
The Nationals hung 32 runs on them during a Sept. 24-26 three game stand.
Granted, Willie wasn't out there throwing grapefruits from the mound or striking out from swinging at the ever elusive high fast ball, but these are the days were managers get too much credit for the wins and too much blame for the losses...and what kind of a blahg would we be if we didn't perpetuate this trend? Since Willie is at the helm and would have champagne on his shirt if they had won, he's the lucky bastard that has egg on his face now that they've lost. Congratulations, Willie!
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
KNOCK KNOCK. WHO'S THERE? ORANGE YOU GLAD I EGGED ALL OVER YOUR FACE?
by Stamos, Brahsome
Lets play a quick game of 20 questions, shall we? This man is the coach of a team with pre-season national title aspirations- this could be several people. This coach has a Heisman hopeful for QB- this could be at least 5 or 6 fellahs. This coach is in charge of one of the most prolific offenses in the nation in a relatively weak conference- this might narrow it down a bit. The former coach of this team left for greener pastures last year, but this coach was one of the big-time up and comers from a lesser conference, and he should be able to take the reigns and keep you on top- only a couple guys come to mind. He's the coach of a team that, despite getting better than 550 yards in the air from their Heisman-candidate QB, couldn't sneak out a win at home against a winless 36.5 point dog- Ahh. Way to be, Steve Kragthorpe. You're the next contestant on "Will Someone Please Pass A Tissue? I Seem To Have Egged All Over Myself." Come on down.
So, my fellow Appalachian State grads and myself are still having wet dreams to scoreboards reading 34-32. However, after the loss to Wofford this past weekend (which, by the way, proves that NC State is better than Penn State. Just work that transitive property out- NCSU > Wofford > App State > Michigan > Penn State. Harrison Beck for Heisman!!!), Cinderella switched out her ruby reds for a pair of orange Keds. Syracuse, who had scored a grand total of 32 points in it's previous 3 games against Washington, Iowa, and Illinois, racked up 34 points against what is arguably the worst defense in the NCAA. The pre-season frontrunner for the Big East conference championship gave up 465 yards and 4 passig TDs while donating 105 yards in penalties to the Orange Club (damn, Syracuse got creative with that athletic boosters club name...). Honestly, if I told you a top-25 team played at home against an in-conference dishrag, and had over twice as many first downs, more than 6 minutes additional time of possession, and the dishrag had 12 penalties for 96 yards while the top-25 teams QB threw for 555 yards and 4 TDs, you'd think they'd have had a decent shot at a W, right? Wrong. This game wasn't nearly as close as the final score even made it seem. Two quick TOs from Cuse in the last few minutes which both resulted in scores were the only thing that even made this look respectable- er, as respectable as a home loss to a winless doormat can be.
So, we turn our attention to Kragthorpe. Nice work, brah. You ended the nation's longest home win streak. You've helped architect the worst defense in the nation. "We had too many penalties and too many turnovers and you can't expect to do that and win," Louisville coach Steve Kragthorpe said. Well, there's that. Then there's the idea that your opponent also had 2 TOs and had only 1 less penalty. What about that time when you gave up 465 yards and 38 points to SYRACUSE?!?!?!?
Remember when Kragthorpe was dominating everyone at Tulsa- when he was putting himself on the map as a future huge-time D1 coach? Oh, wait. At Tulsa, he was only 29-23 in years. Now granted, that same Tulsa team had lost 21 of 22 prior to Kragthorpe's hiring, but 29-23 isn't world beating. Anyone remember Chuck Amato's record in Raleigh after 4 years (34-17)? What about Mike Shula's record at Bama after 4 years (26-23)? "We're going to continue to work hard and find a way to put us in a position where we can be successful and find a way to get it done." Sounds alot like John Bunting, who was unceremoniously shows the door at UNC last year, what with the 'get it done's' and the like. Louisville enters week 5 of the season ranked 90th in the country in total defense and 104th against the pass, and Andrew Robinson, Cuse's QB, averaged nearly 25 yards a completion last weekend. Maybe Kragthorpe can rally his boys, and they can win at No. 5 West Virginia, No. 18 South Florida and No. 24 Cincinnati and at home against No. 10 Rutgers. Or maybe they'll blow the whole year. Either way, we've got to say that Louisville looks to be every bit as much as flop as Michigan so far, and Kragthorpe doesn't have a national title ring from a few years back to hang his hat on.
So, we offer congratulations to you, Steve Kragthorpe. You've done got eggs all up on your face. Would you care for a glass of orange juice on the side? Oooh, too soon?
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
WHOOPS! EGG ALL OVER YOUR FACE, KID!
by Stamos, Brahsome
So, we, the gents over at Brahsome.com, are a pretty lazy bunch. We appreciate being a part of the Epic Carnival crew, as we get exposed to some funny sh*t, and sometimes get our name out there to new folks. However, with that privilege comes great responsibility. And by great responsibility, I mean writing 2 posts a week between 3 of us. Huge nighthorse, we know. But, since we're lazy and generally uncreative, we find that we work better with some structure around us regarding what we're supposed to write (read: we don't want to come up with some randie post every week because we'll forget and look like a couple of jerk-stores who don't want to pay their dues so we decided to come up with a post idea that can just become something of a staple here at EC). And, that staple is basically going to be a bash-fest on whoever was the biggest loser last week. It'll generally deal with sports (we're certainly not going to write 500 words on how fat Brit looked or how many people should get fired for letting her wear that sequined lingerie in front of 50 million peeps- we've got an in-house celebranter in Boxy Brown.) but every now and again we might decide to call out someone else.
So, now that we've got you all tingly with anticipation, jump on down to see who got egged this week.
Remember back when Notre Dame football was great? Like when Knute Rockne was winning 9 of every 10 games for his 13 year tenure or when Frank Leahy lost only 11 games in as many years? Really, it wasn't long ago that Lou Holtz was winning 3 of every 4 games. Then Davie and Willigham combined for a 56-40 record over their 8 year combined career, which saw them both fired for incompetency. But wait- there's a savior on the horizon. A Notre Dame grad, a Super Bowl winning assistant coach known for creating unstoppable offensesunder the tutilage of Bill Parcells. And, early in his tenure, he didn't disappoint, going to the Fiesta Bowl in his first year. But, as Ty Willingham's players have gradually graduated, and Weis' own players have stepped in, things have gotten slightly less rosy. In 2006, the Irish started off as the pre-season #2 team in the nation. However, after bending over and finding themselves on the business end of a 41-14 pounding from LSU, they finished the season #19. And, this year looks much worse.
So far, Notre Dame is 0-3. Their three losses by a combined 89 points. And this vaunted offensive juggernaut that Weis was to build? Exactly ZERO offensive touchdowns thus far. In fact, they failed to score a TD last weekend against a Michgan team that, just two weeks before, had given up 4 TDs to 1-AA Appalachian State. All-Everything and rumored program savior Jimmy Claussen is completing under 60% of his passes and averaging 4.58 yards per attempt while sporting a healthy 0/2 TD/INT ratio- not quite Heisman material. Their 4-headed running attack of Aldridge, Allen, Jones, and Thomas has combined for 173 yards on 63 carries- a robust 2.74 YPC. And Jones isn't even on the team anymore after Weis, despite going through all of spring and summer practice with him as QB1, removed him before the end of the 1st half in week one. We wish Jones the best at Northern Illinios.
But enough about Notre Dame as a team- let's make fun of Charlie Weis for a few minutes. He's monstrous. He's so fat, he puts mayonnaise on aspirin. He's so fat, when as player he was told to haul ass, he had to make two trips. He's so fat, the only thing attracted to him is gravity. He's so fat, he whistles bass. And, in an effort to shave off a few pounds, he had gastric bypass a few years back. This for a guy who, no question, constantly preaches about nutrition and exercise to 80-some college kids. And, since the surgery didn't really work, he unsuccessfully sued the doctors involved. So much for taking responsibility for your own actions. His full figure has even inspired it's own websites.
But, I digress. There's plenty more I'd like to say about Charlie Weis, but I'm too mad I didn't come up with the Wizard of Oz analogy myself. Charlie Weiss, you've got egg on your face. Please don't eat it all.
[Foul Balls: Is Charlie Weis Just The Wizard Of Oz In A Fat Suit?]
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