by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
Hello, my name is DMtShooter, and I'm a Favraholic.
I am powerless before my addiction to fill my sports blog with Brett Favre's latest comings, goings, itches and decisions.
So are you.
It's the perfect storm of Sports Dead Time Plus Irresistible Jock Itch.
And I... am... powerless to stop it.
But there are forces that can.
12. Child trapped. Maybe this is too old-school to really get the sports media off the Favre Hagging, but if the child is cute enough -- I'm thinking no more eight, and hopefully with a missing winsome baby tooth -- it's possible.
11. Mass hypnosis. Clearly, as we are dealing with a large percentage of football fans that continue to let Favre suckle at the publicity teat without turning on him, this has happened before. All we need is a very big shiny object, and the right droning voice that will let Packer Fan know that they are getting sleepy.... sleepy.... very sleepy....
10. Terrorist scare. We haven't one of these in a good long while, and with a presidential election coming up, we're just about due for a good pants-wetting. After the Bad Mail, Lite Brite or Shoe Fireworks keep us from voting with our brains, we'll gladly give up any hope of civil liberties and a Favre-free NFL telecast. Remember, if we're not talking about Brett, the terrorists have already won!
9. Missing white women. If I've learned anything from The Media, it's that the world stops when a Girls Gone Wild Goes Missing, preferably in a swarthy climate with sweat-soaked b-roll footage. Come on, Dolphin or Charger cheerleader -- get yourself abducted and/or famous. You could end up in a Lifetime movie, and your poon shots would have a certain over the top guilt factor in the bathroom.
8. Killing spree. Hey, I'm not an inhuman monster here -- I'm not hoping for the violent deaths of innocents just to help readjust media coverage away from Saint Brett. I'm thinking, say, people attending Redskins summer camp. That way, it's a win-win for all of us, and Sean Taylor's Ghost will have some company, and the Native American populace will get some tiny measure of payback.
7. Stake in heart. If Aaron Rodgers really wants this job, all he's got to do is break into Favre's crypt shortly after dawn with a wooden stake and good aim. Hey, if an angsty blonde teenager that's probably not even a hundred pounds soaking wet (and that's how I likes 'em) can do it a few hundred times, why can't he? (And speaking of people who need stakes in their hearts, someone get Joss Whedon to stop dicking around and make something already. I don't give a crap that Fox broke his heart when they canceled "Firefly." Boo freaking hoo. Get to work and stop wasting your gift, jerk. And we now return you to your regularly scheduled Favre HateFest.)
6. Violence against animals. Can't someone plant an abused kitten or twelve on the Favre Estate? Your local PETA activist, who hasn't really had enough to do since Vickgate, will thank you. (Off camera, of course. And if she shaves, that's good value, especially given the inevitable Daddy issues. Just don't leave your real number. Ah, memories.)
5. Heroic disease. This just in... Favre contracted Lou Gehrig Disease from Curt Schilling's kids. (I just assume, since he named them after the Iron Martyr, that they had it.) Or he got HIV from shaking hands with Magic Johnson as they were constructing housing for Katrina victims. I'll take what I can get here, folks -- even if it means decades of PSAs. JUST MAKE THE PLAYING / NOT PLAYING STOP.
4. Global warming. Finally, the lower standard of living that you'll be forced to endure just so that snooty liberals can make everyone live with less (Muhahahaha! Komrades, we have finally achieved the perfect gambit to defeat Capitalism!) pays off. Once the Canadian permafrost melts, Wisconsin will be flooded, and given the general aerobic state of its residents, I'm not counting on them being able to get out of the way of slowly rising water. Once the Cheesetards are gone, Favre will be sure to follow.
3. Domestic pandemic. Let's all breathe deep and take in that Asian Bird Of Death Flu that was supposed to take us all out a few years ago. Sure, the living will envy the dead, but you can't make a Bird of Death Flu without breaking a few pandemic eggs.
2. Angry black men. Someone call Reverend Wright, and tell him that there's no black quarterback that's done what Favre's doing -- and if you are counting by rings, Doug Williams has ever right. Heck, Steve McNair was gutty and well-liked by his teammates; couldn't he have drawn out his semi-retirement for a few more years? IT'S A CONSPIRACY! Get that Angry Black Man in front of a microphone, stat!
1. Thermonuclear War. The ultimate horror will be survived by only Keith Richards and the cockroaches... neither of whom have shown much of an interest in football, other than as a way towards their next meal. So even when (not if) Saint Brett survives the horrors and the nuclear winter and the meltdown, there won't be anyone to pay attention to his widdle boy will-I-or-won't-I routine. Which you'd think we could achieve without the thermonuclear war, but just to be sure....
Monday, July 14, 2008
TOP 12 FORCES OR EVENTS THAT COULD SAVE US FROM FAVRARO
Sunday, June 29, 2008
TOP 10 REASONS WHY KERRY WOOD FLASHED THE OLD DOUBLE HI SIGN
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
10. Really not enjoying the ChiSox avenging last weekend's sweep
9. Highly opposed to Fox's biased baseball coverage
8. Thought he saw Dusty Baker in the stands
7. Hasn't forgiven Fox for the repeated reaction shots of his wife in the playoffs
6. Wanted to see if he could inspire a terrorist freakout in Boston
5. Has Tourette's of the hands
4. New exercise program to prevent further rotator cuff injuries
3. Natural reaction to being in the same ballpark as AJ Pierzynski
2. Got cut off on his drive to the ballpark, and has exceptionally slow reflexes
1. Is secretly twelve years old
Thursday, May 8, 2008
THE PROPHET'S THURSDAY TAPOUT: WHY I HATE THE MEDIA EDITION
by The Prophet, The Savage Science
When my last CD was out, you wasn't bumpin meI'll be back on a regular schedule with my Thursday Tapouts before long. Like my man Dr. Dre I've "been in the lab wit a pen and a pad trying to get this damn label off" or more specifically in front of my computer trying to get the MMA Deathstar known as THE SAVAGE SCIENCE up to its full potency. In some ways I envy Darth Vader, the bossman of the original DeathStar. Not so much for when Luke took his helmet off and there he was lookin' like Uncle Fester from "The Adams Family". I'm talking about in the first movie where he's trying to find Princess Leia and he chokes out that Rebel captain. He does it later to one of his own supplicants who dares to question his authority. That's what I envy, but we'll get back to this in just a moment. Since much of this week's column focuses on the Japanese MMA scene we'll go with a picture of one of that country's best imports...
But now that I got this little company
Everybody wanna come to me like it was some disease
But you won't get a crumb from me
Cause I'm from the streets of (Compton, Compton)
I told em all - all them little gangstas
Who you think helped mold 'em all?
Now you wanna run around talkin bout guns like I ain't got none
What you think I sold 'em all?
Cause I stay well off
Now all I get is hate mail all day sayin Dre fell off
What cause I been in the lab wit a pen and a pad tryin to get this damn label off?
Anyway, back to the Darth Vader thing--the biggest pain in the ass is trying to get everyone to do what they're supposed to do. I don't ask for much--I just want my supplicants to produce and produce on schedule. I've tried being nice, I've tried being harsh and its still a bitch getting anything done. I'm huge in the fightsport journalism community--to make a comparison to something all of you people know about (no, not the competitive tractor pull circuit) I'm like Jay-Z or Frank Sinatra in the fightsport journalism community. Still, I'm not above the law and I just can't run around choking out supplicants that disappoint me. I wish I could roll like my man Darth Vader.....here he is takin' care of business in the first Star Wars movie. Geeks, I know its *really* 'Episode IV' but it was the first one to come out way back in the day before George Lucas became batshit crazy:
That's the way to manage employees. Still, Vader wasn't a guy to rest on his laurels. He would later develop his choke out skills to an even greater extent as this footage demonstrates:
Now THAT is badass...he's not in the same room with the dude, not even in the same area code most likely and he chokes the mofo out with his psychic bad-assedry. It's like he has a GPS on it or something as there's not any hesitation whatsoever, like there would be if he had to figure out where the dude was--he just takes unruly control of the situation. That's the kind of power that I need.
Making matters worse, the mainstream sports media is really chapping my ass at the moment....we'll talk about that in our next section:
THE MAINSTREAM SPORTS MEDIA IS REALLY CHAPPING MY ASS:
Actually, that's not really true--I'm not *mad* at them or anything, I'm more incredulous at their sanctimonious stupidity. Every time something like this happens I'm reminded of Bob Costas' "You bloggers suck" tirade awhile back. If you don't remember this there's definitely something about it on the site. Basically, Costas went on a Biggie-on-Tupac type dis-fest, calling bloggers weak ass G's who couldn't carry his jock. He went on to brag about all of the bitches he's turned out and all of the paper he's holdin'. In other words, Bobby C impugned the credibility of the sports blogging community relative to his compatriots in what I nominally call "mainstream" sports media.
That notion of "credibility" is at the forefront of my current gripe. This does require a bit of backstory. As most of you are probably aware by now, the EliteXC MMA promotion signed a deal with CBS a while back. This was significant in that they were the first fight sport promotion of any type with a regularly scheduled major network prime time TV deal since "The Gillette Cavalcade of Sports". They're airing the first EliteXC show on 5/31 featuring YouTube street fighter turned MMA rock star Kimbo Slice and the comely Gina Carano (whom I understand has recently become engaged to the proprietor of this website) and its received a lot of coverage not only in the fight sports media but in mainstream advertising and broadcasting type outlets.
While the deal was put together by CBS President and CEO Les Moonves, it didn't make Executive Chairman Sumner Redstone very happy. I'm not at all buying that Redstone has ever seen *mixed martial arts* any more than he's seen an erection since the Eisenhower Administration. That didn't stop the Montgomery Burns-like Redstone from taking Moonves to task for bringing MMA to CBS. That's neither here nor there, but my gripe began when the President of Fox Sports removed his lips from Redstone's backside long enough to utter the following:
But Ed Goren, president of Fox Sports, was more direct, telling an audience of 200 that he didn’t pursue a relationship with ultimate fighting because, “We don’t need money that badly.”
For the network that brought us "Cops" and "When Animals Attack" to suggest that they've got "standards" is bad enough. If ut pulled ratings numbers and advertisers they'd be airing live donkey shows from Tiujana. But here's where my problem begins--Fox Sports has aired a *ton* of MMA over the past few years. The FoxSportsNet (FSN) network has aired PRIDE highlight shows hosted by Jay Glazer for a number of years. They've also aired the IFL and, in fact, they've got an IFL show on FSN today (at least here in the Pacific Northwest). I still stand by my original speculation that none of the big MMA groups are returning Fox's phone calls at the moment, but regardless of what you think or don't think about MMA for Goren to suggest that Fox is taking the moral high ground is completely disingenuous and sanctimonious. This statement is as absurd as Hugh Hefner sanctimoniously suggesting that his magazine doesn't publish nude women. My guess is that he was trying to butt smack the powerful Redstone and was willing to say anything to curry favor.
In addition, Fox Sports website has a *ton* of MMA coverage much the same way that virtually every other mainstream sports site has tried to hop on the bandwagon. What really pisses me off is what a bad job they do with it. Here's the latest example--at the first of the week the Japanese MMA promotion DREAM announced that Nick Diaz would be fighting on their May 11th show. The following day, EliteXC president Gary Shaw--who holds Diaz's US contract--put the kibosh on the fight. This had become well known throughout the MMA world, but on Wednesday FoxSports posted a story about Diaz fighting on the DREAM card. In other words, they posted a story that had already become outdated as by that point Diaz had been *off* of the Japanese show for over a day. 24 hours later--or 3 days after Diaz had been pulled from the show--they finally reported this fact. That story was accurate for a few hours, since late yesterday DREAM and EliteXC worked out a deal to allow Diaz to fight. So Diaz is now back *ON* the DREAM.3 show and has been for over 24 hours now, yet Fox Sports is still reporting that he's off the event.
Granted, this is a sport I know a lot about and stay on top of breaking news in. What disturbs me is that if they do such shoddy work about MMA who's to say that they don't do equally shoddy work for every other sport with a lower profile than the MLB? I don't blame Fox Sports or anyone else for jumping on the bandwagon--that's what TV networks do whether its with poker, reality shows or in this case MMA. But if they are going to cover the sport they need to at least take it seriously. Actually, I don't care if they take it seriously since they clearly don't but at least get your facts straight.
I've got extensive coverage of this over at The Savage Science if you want to check it out:
Fox Sports bigwig's sanctimonious statement @ THE SAVAGE SCIENCE
DREAM.3 LIVE COVERAGE THIS SUNDAY MORNING/LATE SATURDAY NIGHT AT THE SAVAGE SCIENCE:
We'll have live coverage of DREAM.3 direct from Tokyo this Sunday morning...actually, its more like late late Saturday night since those Japanese apparently have a different time zone and everything. Don't miss the best live fight narrative in the business--we'll get underway at 3 AM Eastern Time and 12 Midnight Pacific. Click the link below or the banner below to check it out:
DREAM.3 LIVE COVERAGE AT THE SAVAGE SCIENCE
THANKS FOR READING, VISIT THE SAVAGE SCIENCE NOW DAMMIT:
Thanks as always for reading the Tapout, and don't forget to visit us over at THE SAVAGE SCIENCE:
MMA, MAYHEM AND MORE AT THE SAVAGE SCIENCE
and check out our boxing counterparts at THE SWEET SCIENCE
THE BEST BOXING NEWS AND COMMENTARY AT THE SWEET SCIENCE
Until next time--remember the best way to avoid trouble is to NOT try to retrieve sports memorabilia at gunpoint...
Sunday, December 16, 2007
SPURLOCK MAKES HISTORY, ROBOT NAMED
by Sooze, Babes Love Baseball
There aren't many things that have never, ever happened in the history of football.
This afternoon, Tampa Bay Buccaneers receiver Micheal Spurlock returned a first-quarter kick 90 yards for a touchdown to give his team a 14-3 lead over the Atlanta Falcons.
It took 1,865 attempts over 32 seasons, but the Bucs have finally scored on a kickoff return. For the first time. Ever.
Way to go, guys!
In other NFL news, that retarded FOX Sports robot finally has a name. The special winner of the Name the Robot Contest on FoxSports.com -- who will be revealed and ridiculed next weekend -- has dubbed the mech Cleatus.
The name "Cleatus" is of Greek origin, meaning "invoked", as in bringing into existence magically. Example: Cleatus magically makes me want to punch myself in the face.
Monday, December 3, 2007
SIDESHOW ALLEY: THE BCS SELECTION SHOW SUCKS
by Dr. C, Chicago Bull
Did you want to punch your cousin's kid in his cleft lip last night while watching the BCS Selection show on FOX like I did? It appears in their growing attempt to hump every single penny out of advertisers, FOX has taken what used to be a decent amount time to find out who'll be playing in the BCS bowls to absolutely ridiculous. For the first fifteen minutes of the show, all I knew was that Hawaii will be playing in the Sugar Bowl. That's it. To apparently build my excitement (or lack there of), I get a terrible panel of Charles Davis, Barry Switzer and Jimmy Johnson, led by Chris Rose whose waiting to be picked up after the show by John Salley. What did I learn in those 15 minutes? Absolutely nothing, outside of the fact Barry Switzer enjoys using the word "betcha".
I get the fact that FOX is trying to make the BCS show like the NCAA selection show, but there's a huge difference you can't replicate. For basketball, tons of teams will get snubbed when they are deserving of dancing which makes the excitement natural for many different fan bases. For football, you pretty much know who's in, it's just a matter of what bowl they play in. So to FOX, stop being jag-offs and just get it over with. This will allow your shitty panel at least a chance to make some sense with their analysis, rather then just saying, ok this team is in, what do you think of this team? Blah, blah, blah. Who will they play? You'll find out eight minutes later. It takes away from the viewing experience, and leaves me pissed off and wanting to just wait til the show's over. Secondly, how do you feel about the teams picked and the match-ups? To me, Ohio St vs. LSU is a yawner of a game. Hawaii and Georgia should be interesting, USC will rape Illinois, Oklahoma should beat West Virginia, and Kansas vs. Virginia Tech will not be on my viewing schedule.
TONY ROMO HAS BECOME A MODERN DAY BROAD-WAY JOE: Since my article's are Monday only, I missed out on the reports of Tony know being linked to Jessica Simpson, but acknowledgment is still due. Within the past year, Romo landed a starting job for America's team, dated hottie Carrie Underwood (I'm sorry; if you were "just friends" why aren't you still showing up to his games?) Sophia Bush, and now Simpson. I would like to know who he was dating before his promotion. Nobody? Some 2nd-shifter at the local Hooters? That's how you could really point to how far he has come (literally) off the field. Props to Romo, you have been patiently waiting, and you my friend are now reaping the benefits, even if you do come off as a douche.
WHEN DID JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT LET HERSELF GO? I don't know about you, but when Can't Hardly Wait came out I had it bad for Jennifer. She was damn hot as A-man-duh. But after checking out the picture on TMZ of Hewitt's ass, I was saddened to see such an ass-et go to waste. If you don't want to see what has become of her, don't click on the link. But if you want to be a realist as to what she has become, do what you must. This pretty much as nothing to do with sports, but I'm making a plea for Hewitt to get back to the figure she once had. You had a bad month? You finally realized the Ghost Whisperer is a terrible show? That's fine. Everyone is entitled to let go now and then. But your looks and body got you your career, and if you let that go so too will your career. If Janet Jackson could lose 60 pounds in a short amount of time, I'm sure whatever product Suzanne Sommers is backing these days should work wonders.
IN PARTING, WHO BECOMES THE NEWEST AD WHORE?: As I part you, I ask you this question; who will become the newest ad whore and why? It's obvious Peyton Manning has a lock down when October comes til February. Tom Brady has done a lot of print ads and even has a few billboards that I've seen here in Chicago. What about baseball or basketball? Outside of LeBron, and a few random Melo and Wade commercials, nobody has really stepped for the NBA. Baseball has given me nothing nationally when I think about it. So who takes over in the upcoming months and why? I leave that take up to you as we approach 2008. As you already know, I'm hoping my boy Hester will get his shine on. If you have some thoughts let me know, and give me some odds as well if you have a couple ideas.
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