by GMoney, The Money Shot
It has been announced that 47 year old former Sports Illustrated swimsuit model, Celebrity Apprentice contestant, and raw food aficionado, Carol Alt, will be posing nude in Playboy soon. And while I normally am not an advocate of women my mother's age flaunting their jugs, I think I can make an exception here.
I have a strong feeling that they might need the air brush guy though.
Showing posts with label GMoney. Show all posts
Showing posts with label GMoney. Show all posts
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Why yes, I would like to see some 47 year old boobs
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Celebrating Yom Kippur with the best Jewish athletes!
by GMoney, The Money Shot
My office calendar says that at some point tomorrow, Yom Kippur happens. I have no idea what that is but I know it is a holiday celebrated by Jewish people. And that got me thinking...we all know about Sandy Koufax and--well--that's about it when it comes to famous Jewish athletes. So I did some sleuthing around these interwebs (wikipedia) and uncovered the top ten active Jewish athletes. And, of course, I know that I'm stealing the top ten list from DMT, but he'll get over it. On with the show:
10. Sage Rosenfels - He would have been higher had he not illustrated that epic choke on Sunday.
9. Marty Turco - He's a goalie, right? Hey, look at me, I know someone that plays for the Dallas Stars!
8. Dara Torres - Making the Olympic team as a 40-something is quite impressive. I'm a bit leary that Mr. Steroids may have assisted though.
7. Jason Marquis - Hey, he had nothing to do with the Cubs playing like crap in the playoffs.
6. Jordan Farmar - I love the way Farmar plays but I wish that he would have kept the pompadour. That was a sharp look.
5. Corey Pavin - The list of Jewish golfers is about as long as the list of Eskimo NASCAR drivers. Pavin used to own one of the fiercest mustaches in the business.
4. Kevin Youkilis - I absolutely hate this guy. What amazes me is that he grew up in Cincinnati. His family had to been the only Jewish family in that entire area. Have you ever been there? It's not really known for having tolerance toward other people.
3. Sasha Cohen - I don't believe that she still competes at a high level but I'd bet she does Ice Capades or some other weird shit. And she's the only person on this list that I would bang so she's got that going for her, too.
2. Kurt Angle - An Olympic gold medalist AND a multiple time WWE/NWA champion! I wish I could put that on my resume. It's true. It's true.
1. Ian Kinsler - Without a doubt, Kinsler is one of, if not the, best young infielders in the game of baseball. The future is bright for this kid.
Wow. That isn't very impressive at all. I'm sure that the Jews excel in other areas of life though (not falling for the trap of throwing out stereotypes).
Have a happy Yom Kippur, everyone!
Friday, October 3, 2008
Even Jesus hates the Cubs
by GMoney, The Money Shot
The Cubs, and more so Cubs fans, are pathetic. We all know this. That is why I'm hoping that this is not real. Apparently, some sort of holy man tried to exorcise the home dugout before game 1. Yeah, that worked out well for you. Maybe next year...
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Finally, a candidate that I can endorse
by GMoney, The Money Shot
So, I'm sifting through the mail today; finding bills and the equivalent of spam e-mail, until something piques my curiousity. I get a flyer from The Republican Party slamming Ohio State Representative, Ted Celeste. The problem was, they did a freaking terrible job of doing so. Allow me to explain the flyer's message:
*Ted Celeste is stripping our values down to nothing (I'm listening...).
*Ted Celeste voted AGAINST regulating the hours a sexually-oriented business can operate in out community (the problem being?).
*Celeste voted AGAINST prohibiting physical contact with nude or semi-nude strippers (again, the problem with his voting record here is what?).
I know nothing about the man or his policies, but I know for a fact that his opponent just sold me on him. Any man that wants looser strip club rules is a candidate for me (and probably for everyone reading this). So I ask you all to move to central Ohio and vote for more tits and the increased friction between a stripper's ass and your junk. A vote for some guy named Ted Celeste is a vote for freedom!
As a thank you for sitting through this, here's a still semi-hot Pamela Anderson giving Howard Stern a lap dance. Yes, those are her gigantic erect nipples. Boy, do I miss the days when those used to turn me on... (after the jump)
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
A LESSON IN HAZING
by GMoney, The Money Shot
Is it just me or are today's youth getting dumber? In New Mexico, there is currently a battle going on in the community of Las Vegas regarding hazing on the Robertson HS football team. Apparently, some upper classmen used broomsticks to sodomize the younger members of the team. Ouch, freaking ouch. I guess a few of the coaches may have known about these acts as well and now the town is torn divided. Either way, this isn't good.
I played high school football. I was hazed as a Sophomore. I returned the favor as a Senior. The circle of life...wheel keeps spinnin'. The key to a proper haze is not to break someone's spirit with say...a wooden enema. No, it's about the general annoyances that don't cause too much harm and are subtle enough that if the victim tells on you, no one really cares. So, allow me to give you some pointers for the best possible haze from my experiences:
1. Punt Block - Stand a few feet away from the target and punt the ball into their ass.
2. Backwater - In Ohio, it gets damn cold toward the end of the season. Spraying some young punks back down with a bottle of water is always hilarious.
3. The Cheap Shot - You're playing against the scout team. The whistle hasn't blown yet. Go knock someone's head off that isn't paying attention.
4. Walk Of Shame - Extremely juvenile but steal somebody's towel from the shower and make them walk through the locker room nude.
5. Doink The Clown - Same as the punt block but you throw it at their head as hard as you can and see how far it bounces off of their helmet. Always hilarious.
Do you see? Hazing isn't about pushing the envelope, it's about being a dick! Don't try to re-invent the wheel, just go with the old stand-bys like making someone eat a worm. There's no need to get someone's anus involved. When you get urine, feces, sperm, etc. involved, you're just asking for trouble. Stupid kids.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY AT THE EAGLES TRYOUT
by GMoney, The Money Shot
I can't be the only who is jacked that Thursday marks the return of the best comedy on TV: It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. Below, if you have time, is the episode in which the gang tries out for the Philadelphia Eagles, Green Man makes an appearance, Alvin from The Cosby Show shows up, and, of course, Danny DeVito on an acid trip. What can go wrong? Enjoy the season premeire!
Monday, September 8, 2008
BATISTA IS A FOOD EXPERT
by GMoney, The Money Shot
As I was enjoying last night's new episode of Iron Chef America on The Food Network, something struck me as odd. You see, one of the guest judges for "Battle: Snails" was none other than former WWE Champion, Batista. They really gave no explanation regarding why he was chosen other than "he's a big fan of the show". I just hope that Bobby Flay's night did not end in a Batista Bomb. Let's go to the tape...
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
TYRONE WHEATLEY IS A POLAR BEAR
by GMoney, The Money Shot
Hang on, let me explain. Do you all remember Tyrone Wheatley? The former star running back at Michigan that later went on to rush for 40 touchdowns over 4 seasons with the Giants and Raiders? Well, he's resurfaced in the football world again. Tyrone is at a place where all former NFL players desire to go...Ada, Ohio and the campus of Ohio Northern University.
Wheatley is starting his first season as running backs coach for the Polar Bears, coaching at a school with no scholarship players. And he likes it that way, dammit:
“The young men in this program are terrific. There is no scholarship money, no ESPN, and these guys are working their tails off. They are playing for the love of the game and that’s wonderful.”
Well, that's nice, I guess. At least he is following a passion and giving back to the game. While Ohio Northern is a far cry away from making millions in the NFL, it's still better than what other running backs have done after retiring (ie. murdering their wife and her friend or ruining the credibility of ESPN's NFL coverage).
Kudos to you, Tyrone, and keep reaching for the stars. Hell, in a few weeks, you may be asked to be the new head coach at your alma mater anyway. And let's hope to God that I will never blog about Tyrone Wheatley or the Ohio Northern University Polar Bears ever again.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
RUN & PUNT: 2008 MINNESOTA VIKINGS
by GMoney, The Money Shot
If you like compelling TV which depicts real-life events, chances are good that you watched HBO's Generation: Kill over the last 7 weeks. Basically, it's the story of a Marines unit in Iraq and the trials and tribulations that they went through. Anyway, one of the underlying stories of this miniseries is that the grunts did their jobs and did them well despite the fact that the people leading them were completely inept.
In the NFL, Generation: Kill is the Minnesota Vikings. Because on this team, the grunts are fantastic, but those calling and executing the plays pretty much suck. Without further ado, your Epic Carnival preview of the 2008 Minnesota Vikings...
Passing Game
This is it for Tarvaris Jackson. I don't think that there is anyone outside of the locker room that believe that he's worth a damn as an NFL QB. This is his last chance to prove that he can play. The only problem is that his WR's are just as bad at their jobs as Jackson is at his. Sidney Rice could surprise but it's hard to be a good WR when your QB is bouncing balls to you.
Running Game
Ah yes, the bread and butter for this team. They don't call Adrian Peterson "Purple Jesus" up there for nothing. The offensive line is huge, pissed, and dominant. If Peterson needs a breather, Chester Taylor is a more than capable back-up. And let's not forget about Bryant McKinnie's love for BJ's...has nothing really to do with anything but it needed to be said. The only potential issue is that opposing defenses will be putting 8-9 in the box at all times trying to force them to throw.
Rush Defense
Good luck trying to get a decent ground game going against Kevin Williams and Company. The linebackers aren't flashy but are very capable when the tackles are keeping blockers off of them.
Pass Defense
You beat the Vikings through the air. That is no secret. Although Antoine Winfield is as solid as it gets in the secondary, he can't cover everybody. Darren Sharper just guesses back there these days due to his age. One things that may help the secondary is that newcomer and mullet aficionado, Jared Allen, will be harrassing QB's all season.
Special Teams
Ryan Longwell is older than dirt and can still connect from anywhere inside the 50. I like that Viking Guy that they always show on TV, too, but I think he plays on a different kind of "special" teams.
Coaching
Brad Childress is a moron. Don't get me wrong, he's a million times smarter than Mike Tice, but anyone that can't see that this team is one DECENT QB away from contending for the NFC Crown yet does nothing to rectify the situation, is an idiot. And while I respect him for looking like a hairless Von Kaiser, I despise him for his stubbornness when it comes to upgrading at QB. He is wasting Purple Jesus.
Prediction
The NFC North is awful. The Bears have already been eliminated due to having no playmakers on offense. The Packers have a QB that their entire fanbase hates. The Lions are the Detroit Lions and are operated by a Mr. Matthew Millen. Those are 6 wins right there. I'll give them an 11-5 season and no wins in the playoffs.
Now go blow your Viking horn and piss off, eh.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
DRIVE DRUNK, EARN A BUCKEYE STICKER
by GMoney, The Money Shot
If you haven't been able to tell from my weekly posts, I hate the Ohio State University. Well, not so much the school, it's just that their fans are ungodly annoying. If you are ever feeling a little too full of yourself or looking to take on a group of ten frat boys by yourself, show up on campus before a home game wearing the colors of the day's opponents. Unless you've ever been here for a game, (and I live here) you have no idea how bad these people are. But enough about the fans.
I consider Jim Tressel to be a stand-up guy and one hell of a coach. But that opinion is changing. He's allowing success to cloud his judgment. I can understand that if your job is on the line, you may be more inclined to cut a few corners to survive. But that isn't the case here. Instead of doing what's right, Tressel is only fueling his feeling of invincibility.
In the past, Buckeye Senior OL, Alex Boone, was charged with a DUI. His punishment was nothing. Earlier this summer, DL Doug Worthington, was on the receiving end of a DUI himself. He failed a field sobriety test and is currently in the process of defending himself against the charge. What did Gentleman Jim do as a punishment? From his press conference today:
Junior defensive tackle Doug Worthington – who was charged with DUI last month and pleaded not guilty – will suit up against Youngstown State. However, it’s not clear how much Worthington will play. Tressel said that Worthington’s case is “moving along towards resolution.”
To hell with that. Kids make mistakes, I get that. He failed a sobriety test and he was arrested for driving under the influence, you really can't fight that. So why in the Hell is this kid still allowed to play. I realize that it didn't happen, but what if he killed someone? Does he get named captain then? And I'm sure that eventually Tressel will say that the team handled it internally, but that's bullshit. We, the public--the fans of the sport--don't care if he had to run a few extra laps after practice or do a few push-ups. I want to see some discipline. Just because these guys play football at a big time program, that doesn't mean that the rules don't apply to them and that there are no consequences for the irresponsible actions. This is TWICE now that Tressel has ignored his players putting public safety at risk and that just sucks.
This is just one more reason why the world is rooting against these guys this and every year. Go Youngstown State.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
PREVIEW: 2008 INDIANAPOLIS COLTS
by GMoney, The Money Shot
Two years ago, Peyton Manning finally reached the pinnacle of his professional career by winning the Super Bowl. He and his Colts teammates followed that up last year by...losing their first playoff game...at home...to a Norv Turner coached team? That couldn't be possibly be true. Anyway, the Colts are looking to rebound from the disappointing end of their 2007 season. But it doesn't appear that the breaks are going their way so far. Injuries are already starting to mount and no one, and I mean NO ONE, thinks that Jim Sorgi could lead any team to more than 4 or 5 wins. With Indianapolis opening a new stadium this year, there are many things to be excited about as well as some potential roadblocks that could derail the season for this proud franchise.
YAY!
Peyton Manning is still around and it always seems that he could win ten games in his sleep. Joseph Addai, in his third year, should be walking right into his prime as a top-flite running back in the NFL. Jeff Saturday continues to lead a cohesive offensive line unit. Reggie Wayne has morphed into one of the 3-4 best wide receivers in the league. Dallas Clark has some of the best hands in the business. Dwight Freeney and Robert Mathis should provide a ton of pressure on opposing QB's. Bob Sanders is just a machine in the secondary.
BOO!
As great as Peyton is, his knee is a definite concern. Speaking of bad knees, Marvin Harrison's is so bad that he has resulted this past offseason to shooting his enemies as opposed to chasing them down and having a pleasant and meaningful conversation. They are counting on having a breakout season from Anthony Gonzalez, but he is still a large question mark since no one knows really what to expect. It feels like they lose key contributors every offseason but only try to replace them through the draft and not through free agency. The cupboard, depth-wise, is somewhat bare. While he hasn't said that this is it, many suspect that Tony Dungy is, in essence, a lame duck coach and that he will move on after this year. Even Adam Vinatieri started to show his age last year by missing some kicks that are normally automatic. The team's playmakers are getting older and injuries are always a concern (see: Peyton and Marvin and Bob Sanders and Freeney).
SAY WHAT?
I truly believe that this team is on the downside of their past dominance. The coach is likely gone in a few months, the QB hasn't taken a snap in months, and the defense will need to be a force to win because the offense won't be racking up the points like in year's past. As I said earlier, the Colts can win 10 in their sleep and that's exactly what I'm predicting. The Colts go 10-6, finish 2nd in the AFC South behind the Jags, and win a game before bowing out in the playoffs. It just feels like this team is going to take a few steps back in 2008.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
PREVIEW: 2008 WASHINGTON REDSKINS
by GMoney, The Money Shot
I'm not breaking any news here, but the 2007 Washington Redskins season ran the gamut of emotions. Obviously, we had the lows of Joe Gibbs managing games like an idiot, numerous season-ending injuries to starters, and the sad and senseless loss of the baddest muthaf*cka on the planet, Sean Taylor. Nobody would have faulted the team for folding up, playing out the rest of the season, and getting their minds right for 2008. But that didn't happen. Todd Collins surprisingly came in and looked like a stud. The Skins won their last 4 games to make the playoffs. And although they were defeated in the first round, the season still felt like a success to at least this Redskins fan. Honestly, and I was in attendance at Super Bowl XXVI for their last Super Bowl win, I've never been more proud of my Redskins in my entire life as a fan.
But those days are over. It was time to move on a long time ago. Without further ado, the 2008 Epic Carnival Preview for YOUR Washington Redskins:
OFFENSE:
What's to like?
--Jason Campbell looks REALLY good. Just ask Peter King. This could be his breakout season.
--Clinton Portis is apparently as focused as ever. He's in an offense that once made Shaun Alexander an MVP, he should be a monster this season.
--Chris Cooley is the coolest (pun intended) player in the league...and he's pretty damn good, too.
--The offensive line is healthy; well, at least it is now.
--The offense is being described as Joe Gibbs running game mixed with the West Coast passing game...could be lethal.
What's not to like?
--The WR's are still a mess. Both rookies are banged up. Santana Moss blows. James Thrash is still around for some reason.
--Jon Jansen has been moving around like a corpse this preseason. It could be the beginning of the end for him.
--While the offense looks in synch thus far, you never know what to expect when going against a first team defense.
--Shaun Suisham is about as erratic as it gets when it comes to kicking field goals and kickoffs.
DEFENSE:
What's to like?
--The pass rush off the ends should be amazing with Andre Carter and Jason Taylor.
--London Fletcher is one of the best leaders in football and is a tackling machine.
--LaRon Landry is quickly developing into one of the best safeties in the league. --Greg Blache is going to continue the style that Gregg Williams ran to near perfection with blitzes from all over the field.
What's not to like?
--The tackles are either inexperienced or injury-prone (Cornelius Griffin).
--Marcus Washington and Rocky McIntosh have MAJOR health problems and that's not good when they are counted on to start as outside linebackers.
--Shawn Springs is getting old and Carlos Rogers is still trying to come back from a blown-out knee.
--They didn't even remotely try to replace Sean Taylor at safety. Reed Doughty just isn't going to cut it. Springs has been getting some reps at safety which could be interesting.
--Chances are pretty good that rookie Durant Brooks will win the punter job and who knows what you will get from a rookie. But he ahs to be better than Derrick Frost, that guy sucked.
EXPECTATIONS:
The Redskins lost ZERO starters from the team that made the playoffs last year while adding one of the best pass rushers in football. While they are still learning the new system, everything coming out of Redskins Park thus far has been extremely positive. The early schedule is tough as they have to go on the road to each rival in the NFC East in the first 6 weeks. But, if this team can stay relatively healthy (which hasn't happened in years) and Jason Campbell is as good as advertised, I don't think that it is a stretch to predict a 10-6 season. A return to the playoffs should be a strong probability as long as Jim Zorn and Company catch a break or two. I think the Cowboys will win the division, but don't be surprised if the Redskins put some pressure on them.
Screw it, I say it every year and I'll say it again..."WE GOIN' TO THE SUPER BOWL!"
Monday, August 4, 2008
TRESSEL'S BOYS HATE FREEDOM
by GMoney, The Money Shot
If you aren't an alumnus of the university or live in the state, chances are very good that you do not like Ohio State University. As for me, since I live in Columbus yet despise everything scarlet and gray, Fall is the worst time of the year. Unless you've been here before, you don't really understand how horrible those fans are to be around. I have had no problems with any of the players (since the fine citizen known as Mo Clarett), it is the fans that are unbearable. But that sentiment has changed.
The Buckeye football team has been gearing up for two-a-days this week and the local media has been all over it. Also, ESPN's Mark Schlabach unveiled a piece last week that named Ohio State the most hated football program in the country. Offensive Tackle, Alex Boone, was informed of that article and his response helped the remaining few people in the country on the fence jump to the "hate" side. His reply:
"You know what? Good, because I hate America," Boone said. "Just kidding, that was a joke," he added.
Awwwww, what a sweet fellow. Everyone loves a good, anti-America/pro-terrorism joke! THEEE al-Qaeda Buckeyes!!! I don't care if it was meant in jest or not, it's still a stupid thing to say. And it's beliefs like that that will make the college football fans in this country hate that program even more.
To summarize, Ohio State offensive lineman, Alex Boone, wants America to be destroyed. Well, Alex, the feeling is mutual. America hates you, too.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
WORST. UMPIRE. EVER.
by GMoney, The Money Shot
I’ve been watching baseball since my birth in the very early 1980’s. I feel as though I’ve seen pretty much all that the sport has to offer. I’m also a certified umpire. I respect the craft and the skill that it takes to do the job. Rarely will you ever see me criticize another official because I know how difficult of a job that it is. We all think, and we always tell our buddies at the bar this, that we could do their job no problem. Well, you can’t and you couldn’t.
But there is one exception here. To me, there is only one official that has no business being on a professional playing field: MLB’s #55, Angel Hernandez.
Angel Hernandez flat out sucks at his job. If something bizarre happens in a baseball game, you can damn sure guarantee that he is involved somehow. He’s like an unfunny, Latin Enrico Pallazzo.
But seriously, as I said earlier, I pay attention to the officiating. I’m nowhere near an expert, but I recognize when someone is doing a good job. Hernandez has the quickest thumb in the sport (he ejects way too many people). His strike zone is brutally inconsistent. And he has a tendency to botch rules interpretations at the drop of that.
I know what you’re thinking, “What is the point of this post”? None really, except to call out a gigantic fetus of an umpire who sucks more at his job than Divine Brown in her job. In conclusion, nobody is worse than Angel Hernandez.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
YANKEES HATE FLAMERS
by GMoney, The Money Shot
For some insane reason, Yankee Stadium has a ban on bringing sunblock into the park. Well, proud fair-skinned baseball fans, that has officially changed...kind of.
Yankee fans are seeing - and turning - red over a ban on sunscreen, which Stadium security guards say was widely expanded in the last few weeks. The Stadium does sell 1-ounce bottles of Arizona Sun SPF 15 for $5 - a huge markup that makes its beer seem cheap. An hour after being asked about the sunscreen ban, Yankee spokesman Jason Zillo told The Post that the rules would be changed to permit 3-ounce containers.
Wow. Thanks for the generous amount of hospitality, jerks. We all know that the Steinbrenner's take patriotism to the extreme, but I'm not really sure that this is the best course of action to show that. It's sad that it's easier to get into an airport terminal than it is into a baseball game. So come on out to Yankee Stadium before they tear it down, Irish descendants, Goth weirdos, and Gingers. But be prepared to spend an arm and a leg just to ensure that you don't spontaneously combust.
Because if the Yankees did allow you to tan and not burn, then, and only then, would the terrorists claim victory. And that ain't happening in Big Stein's house. Because in his world, people have been injecting C4 into sunscreen bottles for years. Skin cancer? Never heard of it.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
PREVIEWING THE 2009 CELEBRITY SOFTBALL GAME
by GMoney, The Money Shot
I'm not going to lie to all of the fine Epic Carnival readers out there...I like the Celebrity Softball Game played over the All-Star break. It only takes up an hour of my time, the announcers are having fun, and rich people completely embarrass themselves. This year, other than the former baseball players, we got a heavy dose of New York natives when it came to the celebrity portion of the rosters. Who could ever forget that picturesque double-play executed by former Yankee, Billy Crystal, and Whoopi Goldberg?
But, alas, it's time to turn the page on this year's game (8-7 win by the NL, at least they win something!). Next year, the All-Star game heads to St. Louis for some high-humidity action. It's time to take a look at the potential Missour-a celebs that could be participating in this event in 2009.
Scott Bakula - Major League: Back to the Minors anyone???
Linda Blair - she can mimic Luis Tiant with only her head
Don Cheadle - Hope he keeps that God awful British accent of his at home
Jenna Fischer - I totally want to touch her
John Goodman - have you seen him recently, imagine if Mike Golic was tied to another Mike Golic
Eddie Griffin - All-Star week needs some anti-white humor
Don Johnson - Nash Bridges!
Brad Pitt - if he takes a break from adopting kids/donating sperm
David Koechner - Champ Kind!
Vincent Price - I don't care if he's been dead for 15 years
Burt Bacharach - Ladies and gentleman, Mr. Burt Bacharach
Chuck Berry - just keep an eye on him when he's in the bathroom
Nelly - face band-aid is optional
David Cook - for the kids
Wow, this truly could be a star-studded affair next year. Ah, who am I kidding? The celebrity all-star game peaked in 1994 (with me in attendance) when the great Meat Loaf was PWNING the competition. It will never be the same. Nothing could ever top Bat Out Of Hell destroying Pittsburgh. But I'll still watch and hope that one day Mr. Loaf will once again take the field.
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