by Sterling Gould, More Credible
NEW YORK, NEW YORK (AP) - Apparently, Tom Brady isn't the only one showing some love for the medical walk boot. Honey Bunny Gisele Bundchen was seen last night in a Victoria Secret's underground Runway show with the medical booty as well. "It's the latest crave in fashion", the Brazilian supermodel admits. "Tommy was doing it because I had requested him to do so, I had no idea it would be such a fiasco!".
The fiasco those talking luscious legs are referring to are the reports of Patriots Quarterback wearing a medical boot Monday in New York City while visiting his girlfriend. Some have visual evidence, and some deny the claim that he was, Brady does not.
"Yeah, it was a medical boot. What's your f--king point?," the quarterback steamed. "I could unload baby batter all over the Liberty Bell if I felt like it. Why you gotta' front?" This reporter won't deny that Brady probably could do something like that, without penalty. In part because it would be the most beautiful thing to grace our nation since the birth of "freedom fries". The Liberty Bell and freedom fries were not available for comment by the time this article was to be published.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
GISELE BUNDCHEN SPORTING WALK BOOT
Friday, January 4, 2008
FROM THE GREAT WHITE NORTH: I HATE BOSTON!
by E. Spencer Kyte, Bugs and Cranks
I hate the Red Sox. I hate the Celtics. I hate the Patriots. I hate the whole damn area!
As things stand right now, on this fourth day of 2008, the Boston Red Sox are the World Series Champions, the New England Patriots just went 16-0 and should win the Super Bowl and the Boston Celtics are the best team in the NBA, at least as far as records go. On the whole, that blows! No area should be afforded that much success ever, yet alone in the span of one sports year...
For comparison sake, Canada hasn't won anything since 1993 when the Toronto Blue Jays captured the World Series and the Montreal Canadians won the Stanley Cup. Since the Stanley Cup doesn't really count in the US anyway, even though it has resided there ever since, that means the Jays are all I have to hang my hat on and that's for an entire country, not just a region. We're talking about a geographical area in New England that isn't even the size of Newfoundland. This is just brutal!
Here are five reasons why this really sucks:
1. The Patriots Have Been Awesome For A Decade
Remember when the Patriots upset "The Greatest Show on Turf" Rams for their first Super Bowl and were the darlings of the football world? That was nice. Now, now that they are the step on your throat, kick you while you're down, beat you, pick you up and beat you some more Patriots who just went 16-0, I hate them. Special thanks goes out to the other teams in the NFL who insist on trading insanely talented players to the Patriots for 35 cents on the dollar. Thank you Miami (Wes Welker) and Oakland (Randy Moss). And, just to add insult to injury, Tom Brady is bangin' Giselle. Go to Hell Tom Brady, You Greedy Bastard!
2. The Red Sox Aren't Idiots Anymore
Much like their football brethren, the original incarnation of the championship Sox was lovable. They were the underdog before Jason Lee, with a band of characters like Pedro, Cowboy Kevin Millar and ManRam, plus they did something that had never been done before in coming back from 3-0 down to win a series. They even gained extra points for doing it against the goddamn Yankees too! Now, no more idiots, except for Paps. Manny being Manny isn't entertaining anymore, Josh Beckett is too damn good and Theo Epstein is a freakin' genius even if he signed JD Drew to a long-term deal.
3. The Celtics Are Making Danny Ainge & Doc Rivers Look Great
Let me remind you that prior to this season, both of these men should have rightfully been fired. They had accomplished the square root of fuckall and had turned the once proud Celtics into a total laughing stock. They pretty much tanked on purpose last year to try and land Oden or Durant and then even failed to do that. But then Kevin McHale bailed out his old team by shipping KG to town and The Big Ticket has transformed the laughable Celts into legit contenders, despite what Wilbon and Kornheiser might say on PTI. As such, Ainge and Doc look great right now as the GM and Coach of the team with the best record in the NBA, when we all know that they have nothing to do with the success of the Celtics.
4. It's Going to be Like This For A While
The Patriots will remain dominant so long as Tom Brady keeps taking less money to remain in New England and Hobo Bill patrols the sidelines. The Sox are The New Evil Empire, like it or not Bostonians, and will stop at nothing to remain neck and neck with the only team they care about competing with and since the Celtics have Allen locked up until 2010, Pierce through 2011 and KG through 2012, chances are that they have a nice little five year run ready to go starting this season.
5. Eventually, the Bruins Might Catch On
And if that happens, it's a sure sign of The Apocalypse.
As such, here are my hopes for 2008 in regards to the sports franchises residing in the New England area:
The Patriots run into Jacksonville, who beats them up physically. They might not beat them on the scoreboard, but spending an entire game having that line and those backs pounding on you is hard. That way, when Indy comes to town a week later, Peyton, Reggie Wayne and the fresh and ready to go Marvin Harrison can pull an upset, with ex-Pat Adam Vinatieri kicking the winning field goal.
The Red Sox trade for Johan Santana, giving up Jon Lester, Jacoby Ellsbury and a couple others and ink him to a long-term deal. Santana promptly goes out and tears a ligament in his pitcher arm, misses almost two years and the guys they traded away develop into the All-Stars everyone is pretty sure they will be. Sadly, even without Santana and the guys they traded, Boston still makes the playoffs.
Detroit walks into Boston and beats the Celtics on a pair of late free throws by Chauncey Billups, who got to the line by pump faking Tony Allen into the air just like Doc Rivers told him he would. Wait? That already happened? Alright. Forget about the Celtics then...
Friday, November 30, 2007
TOM VS LEO FOR THE FAIR LADY
by BOHChris, Blog of Hilarity
Hmm, so apparently, there's trouble a-brewing in Tom Brady town. Much like you and me, his problems primarily involve keeping his supermodel girlfriend in check. Oh star athletes... so like us.
As if Tom Brady doesn't have enough problems dodging 300-pound defensive lineman. Now will the New England Patriots quarterback have to dodge Leo DiCaprio as he communicates with Brady's supermodel sweetie Gisele Bundchen via text message? In Touch Weekly is reporting that the NFL signal caller is unhappy with the entire development.
The magazine reports that there may be a little trouble in paradise for Tom and Gisele and it's in the form of her ex-boyfriend Leonardo! Now that Leo's romance with Israeli model Bar Refaeli is kaput, he's rekindled his friendship with Gisele, 27, and has been texting her a lot., the story claims.
"Leo now realizes what a mistake he made by not marrying Gisele," his pal dishes to the magazine. "He knows she's with Tom, so if he can't have her as a girlfriend, he wants her as a friend."
According to the insider, Tom, 30, is miffed that Leo, 33, is suddenly back in Gisele's life, even though she's assured him that it's just platonic. "Tom is not happy at all that Gisele and Leo are friends again," the insider says.
This is why it's hard dating attractive women. I mean, guys like me and Tom Brady, even with our ridiculous good looks and rich, enchanting odors can end up fighting over a gal with Leonardo DiCaprio. Hey, Leo...you remember when you were playing a homeless kid and jerking off Alan Thicke? Yeah, well, Tom Brady was throwing touchdown passes to fourteen year-olds and NOT jerking off Alan Thicke. So yeah, take THAT DiCaprio.
I have to admit though, I don't get the whole fascination with Gisele. If you're Tom Brady or Leonardo DiCaprio, can't you do approximately as well as a thin, nice bodied, pretty Brazilian girl? I mean, shit, you could even get a tranny and save half-price. That's called being economical. It's important with green issues being so relevant these days. That's my next big campaign... fuck a tranny, save the environment. It'll really resonate with guys that like transsexuals.
Monday, October 22, 2007
THROWING KNIVES: WEEKEND HANGOVER
by BD, Epic Carnival
Starting this week every Monday I'll be bringing you the Weekend Hangover, in which I prescribe those ailing from this weekends failures a little pick-me-up. For those of you suffering within your cubicle I'd suggest a couple of Excedrin and a large dose of Gatorade. Always does the trick for me. Despite not being an Indians fan, I'm pissed the Red Sox came back and will be rooting for the Rockies. I hate the Sox almost as much as the Yanks for similar reasons. I found myself so unsure of what to do with my fantasy WR situation yesterday I asked our editor. You see I was deciding between Welker, Coles and Galloway for the spot alongside Ocho Cinco. Lucky for me, I ignored my editor, and a friend who both suggested Galloway and rolled with Coles and absolutely destroyed my opponent. Suffice to say, next time I'll e-mail all of Epic instead of just Mr. Fresh. Anyhow, here's Gisele doing her thing in Miami just 24 hours before Tom did his.
Weekend Hangovers
In which I attempt to help those suffering heal their wounds and reemerge to fight like sh*t champions again.
The Miami Dolphins are a tough bunch to call after watching them get dismantled on yet another Sunday. In this case it was Tom Brady and Co. embarrassing the hapless 'Phins. Randy Moss made two ridiculous catches that further illuminated just how bad the Dolphins defense has fallen. Sure, the Pats O is the best in the league, but guess what... The BROWNS defense held the Pats to 34 points. Fifteen less than the once great 'Phins D. What could possibly help mend the broken ego's and dreams in Miami? The NFL thinks it's a trip abroad, but me? I'm going with a full bottle of Robitussin as I've heard it can make you hallucinate and that's about the only way the 'Phins are going to think next week's game in Europe is actually the 2010 Super Bowl.
What a rough loss for the Eagles yesterday as they, like the Packers, let Brian Griese lead a game winning drive in the final moments in their building no less. On top of that, they were held to nothing but field goals until the 4th Quarter against a defnse that allowed 200+ yards to one guy last week. So, was the demise of the Bears defense just a myth? Or, is the Eagles offense just that bad? I'd say a little of both, but a lot more of the latter. Thus, I'm prescribing a legion of white receivers to line up alongside Kevin Curtis.
Obviously I have to help out the St. Louis Rams as they managed to get manhandled by the Seahawks despite Shaun Alexander not playing completely sucking again and Matt continuing to look like Tim. It was in large part due to a Seattle defense who ran through the Rams o-line for 7 sacks and forced Marc Bulger into 3 picks. It's safe to say Bulger picked the right year to holdout for more money, as he's now about as overpaid as he can get. Honestly, I'm not sure anything can help this team right now, but theirs got to be something, right? How about 5 clones of Orlando Pace to take over the o-line? That'll work. Unfortunately, they're all finishing out the season on IR as well.
The Cleveland Indians choked away what is probably Kenny Lofton's last chance at a ring last night as they lost to the Evil Empire 2.0. Getting blown out for the second strait night in Boston and officially blowing their 3-1 lead. Giving MLB what it wanted, a marquee team in the fall classic. Neither of Cleveland's two aces showed up and their bats were quiet throughout the series. Their's only one thing that might cheer this group up.... hookers, of course! Prepaid for by Mark Shapiro himself. Hell of choke guys!
All of the people who are saying the Pats are running up the score because of the whole Spy-Gate ordeal. That Belichick wants to punish the rest of the league for what happened. You're a moron, Belichick wants to win games and win big because he's a bit of a prick. It has nothing to do with what happened earlier this season. Sure, if you openly mention it (Yeah Wade, I'm buying what PK is selling there) then he might keep his foot on the pedal. But, he's not trying to win by 17+ every week. He's just trying to win and throwing the ball is what gives them the best chance to do that. After all the point of the game is to score and stop the other team from scoring. It doesn't say anything about letting up if your opponent isn't scoring. Thus, I'm recommending a swift kick in the junk and a "Nice tall glass of shut the up," as well.
Quick 'Scrips....
For Brian Billick it's Viagra. I mean, who can get it up after watching that?
A fresh pair of underwear for Jeff Fisher as he definitely sh*t his pants after the surrender 29 in the 4th.
For the Steelers a nice helping of humble pie. The allegedly 3rd best team in the AFC outsmarted themselves last night by taking to the air early, and often, against one of the leagues worst run defenses.
For DeSean Jackson a bottle of Pepto as he suffer through another disappointing collapse in Berkeley.
For Paul Byrd... well he's gotten enough prescriptions hasn't he?
And finally, a nice big McRib for LenDale White who managed his first career 100-yard game yesterday as the Titans out-legged the Texans.
Scoreboard - October 21st - 2007
ALCS
Red Sox 11, Indians 2
Win Series 4-3
NFL
Buffalo 19, Baltimore 14
Detroit 23, Tampa Bay 16
Tennessee 38, Houston 36
New England 49, Miami 28
NY Giants 33, San Fran 15
New Orleans 22, Atlanta 16
Washington 21, Arizona 19
Cincinnati 38, NY Jets 31
Kansas City 12, Oakland 10
Dallas 24, Minnesota 14
Chicago 19, Philadelphia 16
Seattle 33, St. Louis 6
Denver 31, Pittsburgh 28
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
THE AFTER PARTY
Stuff we didn't get to today during normal bizniss hours, but thought you should still know about.
OJ Simpson. Wow. The definition of just how strange our judicial system truly is and how great this country is. Is there a more notorious man in the country than Juice??? One man asks you to lay off him though. (The Money Shot)
Former big leaguer Jim Bouton discusses amphetamines and steroids in a blog interview. Bouton says the amphetamines (greenies) reigned in his day and in the interview he compares amphetamines with steroids/HGH. (Steroid Nation)
Remember the blog "Just Call Me Juice"? Well its proprietor has started a new blog covering all things college hoops. Give it a look. (Storming the Floor)
Five Tool Tool now has t-shirts and if you're a smoking hot babe and want to model for the site they won't say no. And bring your friend, you know, the one that does That Thing With The Tongue. (Five Tool Tool)
Gisele in a dress made of water! Perfect. (Just Jared)
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Gisele vs. Bridget May Become as Good as Pats vs. Colts
by Richie Rich, Home Run Derby
So last week we learned that Tom Brady's ex, Bridget Moynahan, had named Tom Brady's bastard son "J.E.T."
Tom took the high road and really didn't say much about it.
But his Brazilian Supermodel Girlfriend, Gisele Bundchen, did what Tom wouldn't. According to the New York Daily News, Tom Brady had phoned in an order at Petit Tresor, an upscale baby boutique in West Hollywood, CA. Classy.
Gisele decided to get in on the spirit of giving and reconciliation. So she too ordered a gift basket for the little J.E.T.
In the $1,000 gift basket was an adorable onesie ... with "Supermodel" written on it.
Touche, Gisele. Touche.
Monday, August 27, 2007
The Pseudo-Celebrity Super Bowl
by Stan, Ghosts of Wayne Fontes
According to a few published reports and leaks around the good internet, the ever gorgeous Gisele Bundchen could join the cast of the up-coming season of Dancing with the Stars. And for those who are all too unfamiliar with this show, let me explain...it's the Super Bowl for anybody on the fringe of celebrity (a.k.a - the D-List). Let the record show that we aren't quite satisfied with Gisele making the cut for a few reasons.
1) She has a large Adams apple, which no doubt is the cause of her man voice.
2) She is about as stiff as a robot and really can't get by on her looks in this competition.
3) Off topic, but overall we are just really jealous of the fact that Tom Brady is banging her.
Moving on, in fact it's not just Gisele that we find fault with, it's just about everyone on the list. So, that's why today we decided to fire back with a counter list in hopes that some executive, desperate fan or producer in limbo will see our plea and reasoning, thus replacing those who don't warrant the right to be on such an esteemed program.
First, let's take a look at the assortment on the list, before we hammer out potential replacements. Currently, the names include, but are not official: Aaron Carter, Wayne Newton, Mark Cuban, Jane Seymour, Scary Spice, Tori Spelling, Jennie Garth, Floyd Mayweather, Richard Quest, Sabrina Bryan, Helio Castroneves, Lou Ferrigno and Nia Peeples. Yes, we too struggled to determine who some of these people are.
Anyhow, here are some healthy alternatives that could no doubt make this show a bit more tolerable.
Dan Patrick - Yes, perfect. He's got the free time and he always thought he was just a little more clever and witty than he really is.
Sammy Sosa - You need to have the sort of stupid, unintentionally funny ex-jock that is good for a few entertaining salsa's...right? Oh, he's not retired yet?
Johnny Drama - Nothing spells D-List like the bastard brother of Vinny Chase.
Somebody else from 90210? - Look, we really don't need Kelly and Donna battling it out, what happened to Zuckerman? Sanders has already had his moment, Walsh and McKay are both boring. David Silver...too obvious. I vote for the chick who drugged Brandon and eventually stalked him, Emily Valentine. The other option is the nerdy friend of David Silver's who shot himself...yeah, I watched too much TV growing up.
Sporty Spice - Of all the Spice Girls we've seen the least of her. Scary Spice? Come on, nobody cares enough. We can always look past the fact that Sporty might have a cock...she'd bring ratings.
Rebecca "Roger" Lobo - Who wouldn't like to see an abnormally large woman with man hands slow dance with a 5'2" Latino Ballroom dancer?
Bill Walton - I'm throwing my bias into the party, but I've seen the "Big Man" get down to Phish (live at a show) as well as at a local Dead Cover band in San Diego. His knees may not move so well, but he can still share in a groove.
Lance Bass - F*&$ Aaron Carter, he looks like a basehead. Joey was a contestant last season...it's only fair that Lance gets a shot. And besides they could pair him with a male. Controversial television at it's finest.
Shaq - And he'd have to be paired with a midget. Maybe, we ought to scratch him from the roster. Upon 2nd thought he's still a pretty prominent celeb and would no doubt rake in the popular vote.
Danica Patrick - She's still sexy and has about 7 or 8 minutes left on the 15 minutes of fame clock.
Erin Andrews - Duh, was this not the obvious choice?
Lisa Turtle and Screech - Mario Lopez had a deep run to the title before he got cheated ousted in the Championship round due to bullshit Emmitt Smith and the popular vote. Let Lisa and Screech have a shot.
Billy Baldwin - Fresh out of re-hab and ready to put the Baldwin name back to good use.
Peyton Manning - He is totally down, but it has to be after the season. He already watches film of past episodes and would pounce on his competitors mistakes.
Pedro Gomez - Why not?
Michael Vick - He'd have to dance in chains and shackles, with a dog of course.
Jean Claude Van Damme - Dude can dance.
Macho Man Randy Savage - I'd actually pay to see that.
Anna Nicole Smith - OK, I'm going to hell.
And that's all I got ... for now. As always, please feel free to add to the list in the comments section below. That's your forum, my forum ... OUR forum. Share your additions or beefs.
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