by Dr. C, Chicago Bull
Jennifer Walcott, what do you see in Adam Archuleta? Is his terrible tackling a term of endearment to you? Do you think it's cute when he gets his ankles broken every other play? What makes you stay with this ass clown? I have a few assumptions that I would like to determine based off of what I have seen as your personal preferences.
1. You wear the pants in your relationships. Could you easily send a line to Purple Jesus when the Bears are in Minnesota soon? Sure. You could have him take you to dinner while he plants his seed in you celestially. But that's not you, is it? Instead of embracing this idea, you shove your man's face in his weaknesses. What's next, showing up to a Cubs game and doing an interview with Pat Hughes and Ron Santo showing off your legs telling Ronnie that these are useful, motherf---er?
2. You have that Titanic quality about you, and I'm not talking about your fake tits (although they are nice). If he goes down, you go down. But you probably don't go down, much like Judith in Saving Silverman. I'll bet a hundred bucks says you've never sucked somebody off outside of business. (Please send payment options to mjcardosi@gmail.com)
3. Finally, you are the Kenneth Lay of Playmate-athlete girlfriends. There's no reason for you not to leave right now; the Bears suck, and Archuleta sucks more (if that's possible). Yet you still stay... God only knows what type of exit strategy you've planned, which leads me to believe you're also smart. Maybe Walcott in '12, and I would vote for you based off of how much you won't wear in the Oval Office.
ADRIAN ARRINGTON AND MARIO MANNINGHAM ARE THE BIGGEST PUSSIES ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH: Wow. That's all I was left to type after watching the Michigan-Ohio State game. I've seen some real big pussies before (Upham from Saving Private Ryan, Eli Manning), but you two took the cake and ran with it. Everytime you got a pass that was catchable you dropped it in fear of getting hit (paging Jennifer Walcott, fresh blood will be entering the NFL draft in April). As a Michigan fan, you can go fuck yourselves much like Lloyd Carr.
SPEAKING OF MICHIGAN, CHAD HENNE WILL BECOME THE NEXT TOM BRADY: A bold claim? Possibly. Brady sucked at Michigan. Why do you think he was drafted in the 6th round of the 2000 NFL draft to begin with? There's been plenty of shitty Michigan quarterbacks who have never gotten anywhere, Jim Harbaugh, Brian Griese and John Navarre to name a few, and I'm sure there's plenty more that the guys at Ghosts of Wayne Fontes can think of that I've forgotten.
RICORADO MAYORGA IS MY NEW FAVORITE BADASS: I saw a preview for Vargas v. Mayorga on DirecTV, and they showed Mayorga smoking a cigarette holding up his belt after a fight during the promo. That is the definition of a badass. A world class athlete who is jonesin' for a smoke like Mark Grace back in the day. As a fellow smoker, I support you sir. You make us all proud.
FINALLY, MY GRANDPA IS THE BEST PERSON TO WATCH BEARS GAMES WITH: A bit of a homer move, but I don't give a fuck. I had to help my grandpa move some stuff as they are selling their house, but in turn I got to watch most of the game with him. Here's his thoughts on the game as I depart:
- Urlacher should fucking retire. He can't tackle anybody.
- Muhammad's coke habit is finally wearing on him; he can't play anymore. Maybe it's methamphetamines or speed. But it's probably coke.
- I hope they take that asshole's face off of him so he can never play again (Grossman).
- They suck. So do the Bulls.
Monday, November 19, 2007
SIDESHOW ALLEY: AN OPEN LETTER TO JENNIFER WALCOTT
Friday, October 12, 2007
THROWING KNIVES: HOW ABOUT THAT LONGSHOT?
by BD, Epic Carnival
Is Arizona done after their #1 guy took the L last night? Oh, and forget about this alleged controversy. The ump made the right call. I think so, but we'll see. I think it's safe to say that the world has passed Bobby Bowden by. That new offensive coordinator sure isn't working out and he can't blame the team's struggles on a lack of talent, because they've got plenty of it. Is anyone else ready to stab the next reporter who's filling us in on absolutely nothing from Dallas, as we near the "dual" as their calling it. It should be fun watching the Pats defense dominate Romo like the Bills did, but can the 'Boys D keep them in the game? I doubt it. The "other" 81 should be back into double digit fantasy points this week. The TK NBA preview will kick off next week, likely by midweek. Still debating a few things as far as that goes. Today's I've got Jennifer Walcott for you, giving you another reason to hate Adam Archuleta.
Did the Rockies Just Win the NLCS?
It's been said over and over again, but this team shouldn't even be here. They accomplished the impossible with that run they had to close the regular season, and it hasn't stoped yet. They improved to 4-0 in this postseason last night with a victory over the only guy to beat them in the last 3 weeks or so. That guy, as you know, is Brandon Webb and he represented the D'backs best chance to slow down the purple and black freight train that the Rockies have turned into. Yet, he couldn't do it, just like Cole Hamels couldn't. Which has me highly doubting Doug Davis and Livan Hernandez can do it.
It's simple, the D'backs had to win last night and they didn't. It's going to take a miracle in my eyes for them to get to the World Series. That said, the Rockies involvement this postseason alone shows just how possible that miracle may be.
The Controversy That Isn't
Or, alleged controversy as I see it. Justin Upton's pop-up after his slide was about the most unnatural pop-up I've ever seen. It was clear as day he interfered and the ump made the right call. Justin, for future reference if your going to pull the ridiculous take out, stay down and use your legs to sweep at the guy, it's your best shot and I've never seen it called interference. I just hope Arizonians (?) and ESPN don't turn this thing into something it's not.
The Ambiguously Gay Duo
With T.O. leaving only a note this week it's hard not to feel like the real match up this weekend in Dallas is between he and Randy Moss. Or, at least, in T.O.'s mind it is. I can see him blowing his load all over Romo on the sidelines if when Moss catches his 3rd TD and Romo's turned the ball over 17 times. Should provide just as much drama as FNL will tonight.
Randy Couture Leaving UFC
Couture tendered his resignation yesterday and vacated his Heavyweight Championship. From what I can gather, Couture was a bit fed up with his treatment and the fact that UFC failed to sign Fedor Emelianenko, who Couture feels is the only guy worth fighting. I cannot disagree with "The Natural" on that one. Couture is also upset (and reasonably so), about the way the UFC has treated him. This isn't the first time we've heard of someone a little less than fond of Dana White and if White doesn't figure it out he may lose even more of his athletes.
The toughest part of this for the UFC is that after Chuck Liddell was embarrassed by Keith Jardine, Couture was the most bankable well-known star they had. With his departure I'm not even sure who to look at. One of the Ultimate Fighter alums, maybe? Those guys have been pretty exposed, but the average fan isn't going to know who most of them are. I suppose their's always Tito Ortiz, but, well, he's Tito Ortiz.
Weekend Expectations
The Rockies take a 2-0 lead back to Colorado.
Red Sox-Indians sit at 1-1 heading into game 3 as Beckett and Carmona both win.
UCF almost knocks off USF, but falls just short.
Wisconsin loses again.
Missouri knocks off Oklahoma.
Cleveland beats Miami in the sh*tbowl.
Thus, the Dolphins, Rams and Saints remain beaten.
The Redskins make it 2 L's in a row for the Packers.
New England beats Dallas rather easily in Irving.
Television
The Office was highly amusing once again last night as Micheal kidnap the pizza boy, although it certainly wasn't his intention. Dwight's race against the computer was hilarious, unfortunately for D.K. Schrute it didn't win him any points with Angela. Though, it did appear that Andy's little song and dance won him some points, that is, unless Angela's smile was only meant to hurt Dwight. Which seems like the most likely scenario to me. Kelli and Daryl? It looks like it, and I can only imagine the awkward situations Kelli's going to get Daryl and Ryan into whenever Ryan visits Scranton. Micheal's ineptitude with regards to the launch party's location was almost a little to ridiculous. I know he's inept, but really? I think he'd read the entire invitation and understand he wasn't going anywhere but the conference room. Especially when that IT guy was there setting the damn camera up. All in all though, another fantastic hour-long episode.
Rating: 8.6/10
Scoreboard - October 11th - 2007
NLCS
Colorado 5, Arizona 1
Lead Series 1-0
Friday, September 7, 2007
The Carny Clubhouse
by DCScrap, Our Book of Scrap
A look back at yesterday's best on the Carnies' very own Web sites.
Today's Carny Clubhouse Attendant is Jennifer Walcott...
Joba Stealing Jacoby's Thunder? (Center Field)
The NY Daily News, CBS SportsLine and MiLB.com all seem to have their facts wrong.
The Biggest Losers (Doberman On The Diamond)
A look at the 10 worst winning percentages in head-to-head match-ups in Major League Baseball history.
Farewell, Sweet Blog (Just Call Me Juice)
Starting Monday, I will be starting a brand new blog called Storm the Court, exclusively covering college basketball.
Thank You, Oh Lord, For Giving Us A Regular Season NFL Game: Top 11 Stories That Can Now Go Away (Five Tool Tool)
Thank God the game wasn't in New Orleans, because then the following list wouldn't go to 11.
And panic sets in... (With Malice...)
Japan have their backs against the wall in their Rugby World Cup opening game versus Australia.
David Boston. Illegal Substances. Surprise. (More Credible)
Tampa Bay's David Boston is linked to more "illegal substances".
Weekly Waste of Oxygen Award (Simon on Sports)
This weeks biggest douche, moron or scumbag.
Wrap it up, I'll fake it (surely you recall the fabulous T-Birds, right?) (Brahsome)
Over 100,000 condoms were returned to the health department in DC recently for having faulty wrappers.
Elijah Dukes Ain't Payin' Dat Papa' Boo Boo (Sons of Sam Malone)
Elijah Dukes needs to pay his child support...
Mexican Mascot vs Midget Bat-Boy Dance-off (Home Run Derby)
A Minor League baseball game in the Liga Mexicana de Beisbol (LMB) where Chacho, the mascot of the Tigres de Quintana Roo (Cancun) is about to have a dance off with the bat-boy.
The Girl's Guide To Winning A NASCAR Driver (Our Book of Scrap)
Without even reading this book, I bet I can sum up the guide with two words: Bud. Weiser.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Throwing Knives: Baby Mama Drama
by BD, Sports Show On Mute
There really is nothing I'd call a "top story" today. But, there are a few decent ones and a couple that link onto those two big ones that have been dominating the headlines. While I'm playing around with the idea of running some kind of feature every week on Wednesday's. That idea hasn't been all ironed out just yet, so it'll be the conventional stuff here at TK today. I don't even know what to say about Jennifer Walcott, other than how hot she is. While you ogle her goodies for a minute, let's get to the knives.
Leinart's Baby Mama Drama
Arizona Cardinals starting QB Matt Leinart is apparently caught up in a legal battle with the women he impregnated 18 months ago, Brynn Cameron. Cameron despite already receiving 6,000/month from Matty voluntarily is now asking for a little more. 24,000 more, for those of you with math deficiencies that 30k/month and 360k/year. I absolutely hate the way women can go after your wallet even if your already paying voluntarily. This is a real bitch move by Cameron, but she's a women what do you expect? Their crazy. (Outside of Sooze and Sarah, of course). Plenty of women out there will hit their back and claim their on birth control to get that rubber free beef injection. With the cream filling, of course. All for a little money? Maybe some fame? Is that all your dignity is worth girls? Sure, money is fantastic and I wouldn't mind having a little more of it. But, is raising a child father free really worth it in the end? I know some of us turn out fine. Generally though, it doesn't work out so well. So, get off your back and go get a real job. Instead of playing glorified hooker and latching onto the man with the biggest bulge... in his back pocket.
Source: (Brahsome.com)
Arthur Blank Wanted To Suspend Vick
This was a little surprising to me at first. Though, if Vick did indeed tell Blank he had nothing to do with dog fighting then I don't blame him. While it is still possible Vick is innocent, I doubt it. And I hope Goodell gives him at least half the year off. So I can watch Joey Touchdown ruin another season outside of Detroit. It may be a good thing Goodell told Blank to wait for his action. As Blank can only suspend Vick 4 games under the current collective bargaining agreement. Four games as far as I'm concerned is only about half way there. And even the eight is only the beginning of what he deserves when he's found guilty.
Craig Biggio Will Retire At Season's End
After finally getting to the 3,000 hit plateau the final Killer B is ready to hang 'em up. I always liked Biggio. He kept his mouth shut and played the game. He had no problem being the third B as the other two sent them over the fence he sent them into the gaps. He's also on the verge of breaking the all-time record for HBP's, quite the impressive feat. His arms certainly won't miss the bruises, but the Astros will miss him. As will any true baseball fan who likes his athletes without the verbal vomit.
Lance Briggs Will Play?
He's allegedly close to signing a one year/$7 million deal. This for me is a little ironic, coming from the guy who had vowed to sit out the first ten games of the season without a long-term contract. I have a feeling the Bears would have made sure he didn't see the field come week eleven and thus not qualified for free agency. This will almost certainly be his final year in Chicago, and I kinda wish he wasn't getting this money. But, the Bears need him and they know it. And that is the unfortunate reality for Chicago.
Rangers Determined To Trade Teixeira
According to SI the Rangers are determined to trade Mark Teixeira by the trade deadline. While Teixeira would love to land in Baltimore, it doesn't appear that will happen if he goes as the youngsters Texas wants aren't in Baltimore's system. The top suitors appear to be the Yankees, Mariners, Dodgers, Braves and Angels. My money would be on Los Angeles if I had to pick one. The Angels farm system is absolutely loaded with talent that Texas would love. At this point however, it appears Los Angeles is unwilling to part with any of their top tier guys. With the bad trade of his past, Daniels really needs to hit a home run with this one. He'll be waiting for the best players/prospects to become available for now. But, it at least appears he will trade Teixeira before he loses all the leverage (1 and 1/2 years left under contract) that he has.
Sources: (FanIQ Blog) (ESPN)
Scoreboard - July 24th
MLB
National League
Philadelphia 4, Washington 3
New York 8, Pittsburgh 4
Milwaukee 5, Cincinnati 3
Houston 7, Los Angeles 4
Chicago 4, St. Louis 3
San Diego 5, Colorado 3
Arizona 9, Florida 3
Atlanta 7, San Francisco 5 F/13
American League
Chicago 5, Detroit 3 and Chicago 8, Detroit 7
Texas 2, Seattle 1 and Texas 4, Seattle 3
Baltimore 3, Tampa Bay 0
Boston 1, Cleveland 0
Toronto 7, Minnesota 0
New York 9, Kansas City 4
Oakland 4, Los Angeles 3
Just like last Thursday tomorrow's episode of TK will be a little later in the day. Think between 3-7PM EST as this becomes a regular thing you'll get used to it. That's it for today though folks, adios.
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