by Simon, SimonOnSports
Dear Charlie Loose Staples,
When I was a young boy I used to love the swing sets. They were dangerous and exciting and exhilarating. I used to dangle my toes in the trees attempt to flip the swing set and of course jump off. Well back in my day Staples, our swings were made of wood, hard maple wood, hard enough to knock the teeth out of George Foreman with a good swing. And on this one fateful day when I was 13 years old and coming off two of my greatest swing leaps of all time I decided to jump off once again. I landed awkwardly but stood up like everything was fine and then whack that wood swing came around and smacked me in the back of the head. I fell to the ground and screamed fuck. Now I was a good boy, this was the first time I had ever cursed but there was the Nun sitting just two steps in front of me. And that nun didn't take too kindly to the word fuck and she beat me up and down with a ruler. So Charlie no matter what you've done in years past no matter how extraordinary your leaps have been you must always watch your back and know your surroundings so when you mess up you don't experience the ruler.
When I was a young man I used to play football much like your fine team. I used to look up in the stands every game and see my parents wearing the colors of the other team. They used to tell me, Lou if you keep on losing football games or until you win some football games we think it's best if we just cheer for the other team. They said Lou we think that if we root for the other team maybe they will get a false confidence and maybe they won't beat you so bad. Typically this didn't work. But two weeks ago I thought to myself, if Notre Dame can't win a single football game, perhaps it's time that I gave their opponents a Pep Talk. And that's what I did, I gave the Midshipmen a pep talk hoping they would go in overconfident. And well much like my parents it didn't work.
Now Charlie this brings us to today. I would normally give you another long winded story to help motivate you much like the pep talk I gave yesterday. But I'm an old and very tired man. At the beginning of this season I felt youthful, I felt like my old self. I felt like the Fighting Irish would still be a top program. Now I get emails from family members letting me know about websites dedicated to a 1 win vs. 1 win showdown. And worse I've got major gambling debts because I continue to pick the Fighting Irish to win. What I'm saying Charlie is that if you lose this weekend, my bookie is going to kill me, so can you try not to suck.
Thanks,
Coach Holtz
Friday, November 16, 2007
DEAR CHARLIE LOOSE STAPLES
Thursday, October 18, 2007
THE AFTER PARTY
The Plain Dealer is reporting that Josh Beckett's ex-girlfriend and country music "star", Danielle Peck (very hot), is singing the national anthem tonight. BURN!!! (The Money Shot)
Austin Powers, one of the world’s greatest spies, has lived a completely different life in retirement…as Lou Holtz. (Digital Headbutt)
The real matchup to watch: World Series of Cookies. When these cookies face off, you can throw all the record books out the window. (RandBall)
Has Larry Johnson put the diaper back on? LJ seems to think that his stellar seasons have exempted him from any need for improvement. (The Extrapolator)
Ten reasons to watch USF at Rutgers. Our favorite: Count the number of Sopranos references. (EDSBS)
An interview with the Detroit Pistons' new backup SF Jarvis Hayes. His thoughts on joining the team, who he trains with during the offseason, and more. (Empty the Bench)
Little League coach benches player for swearing; player calls dad on cell phone; dad and uncle arrive and pummel the coach unconscious on the pitcher's mound. (Deadspin)
The U.S. mens national team beat Switzerland is a less-than-thrilling international friendly. A nice excuse to mention everything Swiss. (The Beautiful Game)
The BCS sucks at picking teams for college football, but great for creating controversy. (We Suck at Sports)
Megan Fox, Stacy Keibler and Autumn Reeser in one photograph. Enough said. (Popaholic)
Friday, October 12, 2007
THE MIDWAY: CREATIVE CHEATING & A DRINKING GAME
What's more surprising? That Dennis Franchione broke NCAA rules in a very creative fashion, or that we're amazed by it? (We Suck at Sports)
A drinking game for Lou Holtz’s weekly hypothetical pep talk on Thursday night football. One sip when he lisps at least twice in a sentence. (Digital Headbutt)
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