by Isaac, The World of Isaac
I think there is an unwritten rule about rivalries. When you get a chance to really stick it to your competitors, when you get a chance to really embarrass them, when you get a chance to kick em while they're down, you show no mercy.
So without further adieu, I'd like to introduce you to Kevin Grady, RB for the mighty Michigan Wolverines.
Grady was arrested in early July for drunk driving. And when I say drunk, I don't mean he had a few cocktails with dinner. Its more on the level of "I'm going streaking from the quad into the gymnasium" type drunk.
When asked to take a sobriety test, these were his answers to some questions...
Officer: Pick a number between 12 and 14?
Grady: 15
Officer: Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?
Grady: Dog
Officer: Recite the alphabet
Grady: O, R, S, J, L, P
So I'd like to thank you Kevin Grady...thank you for providing this Spartan with ammunition for the next couple of months as I deal with arrogant Wolverine fans.
Hey UM fans, tell me how my ass tastes....
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
HOW DRUNK IS TOO DRUNK: THE STORY OF KEVIN GRADY
Friday, May 9, 2008
SEPTEMBER 13TH CAN'T GET HERE FAST ENOUGH
by WCT, The Ship of Fools
You know what makes sports great? Besides the actual on-the-field action that we all love to watch, we have subplots. Every so often, an interesting storyline plays out leading up to an event that makes fans like me salivate in anticipation. And in my opinion, the best kind of subplot is one that is created by some good old fashioned coach trash-talk. And even though its only May, some nice coach trash-talkin' can make you long for the brisk Saturday afternoons of September.
Such was the case this week, when Michigan Wolverine fans became apoplectic after Notre Dame Coach Charlie Weis sent a few verbal shots across their collective bow. Weis said that after ND "makes a statement" in their season opener against San Diego State, he an his team will have to "listen to Michigan have all their excuses as they come running in, saying how they have a new coaching staff (under Rich Rodriguez) and those changes." Ending his monologue with a terse "to hell with Michigan!"
I have to say, I for one, am loving this new, no-nonsense, 2008 version of Charlie Weis. Already this off-season he has discussed his refusal to win by "recruiting hoodlums" (some USC fans saw this as a dig at their program), and his disgust for Michigan's "excuses." All while completely shoving San Diego State aside by calling that match-up a "statement" game. Steve Spurrier at his best didn't talk this much smack during the off-season.
In the world of the oversensitive college football fan, these latest statements launched Wolverine fans into a tizzy, and made fans like me (without a dog in this particular fight) eager for September 13, when these two teams finally get it on.
Friday, February 29, 2008
CALLING YOU OUT - RAPID FIRE
by WCT, The Ship of Fools
“Calling You Out!” is a periodic segment where WCT takes people to task for irresponsible journalism, foolhardy activities, or just general douchebaggery. Nothing is sacred, no one is spared, watch your ass mister! You could be next!
This time, we lay the wood to three of 'em one-by-one! Lets go!
NHL GMs - Admittedly, I am not a huge fan of the NHL (oh, sorry - For the benefit of about 90% of our American readers, that acronym stands for National Hockey League) but I do follow the sport casually, and one thing that I have always been amused by is the bizarre manner in which NHL GMs handle head coaches.
Lets start with last year, and the New Jersey Devils. In the final week of the season, with three games remaining, and the Devils in first place in their division, GM Lou Lamoriello saw fit to fire first-year head coach Claude Julien, and hire, well, himself, as head coach. Only in hockey.
Its happening again this year. Wednesday, with just 18 games remaining in the season, the Ottawa Senators who were in (you guessed it!) first place in their division, fired head coach John Paddock. GM Brian Murray replaced Paddock with (you guessed it again!) himself. Only in hockey.
I don't even know where to begin. Can you even imagine this happening in any other sport? Can you imagine the Yankees, in first place in September, firing Joe Girardi, and Brian Cashman taking over on the bench? (To be fair, Girardi was fired from the Marlins after winning Manager of the Year, so maybe that is a bad example, but you know what I mean) Could you imagine an NFL team firing its head coach with one game left and the team in first place? Am I the only one that thinks this type of thing happening in two consecutive years is weird?
Tennessee Vol Haters - Why is it that in college sports, haters are so quick to throw around the "F" word when a highly ranked team loses? By the "F" word, I of course mean "Fraud."
I have been reading and listening to countless columnists and bloggers who were ready to scream "Fraud!" before the final buzzer even sounded Tuesday night in Nashville. The Vols were forced to play back-to-back road games, versus ranked, in-state rivals, within 72 hours of each other. Can we cut them a little bit of slack? Tennessee still has only three losses, at Texas, at Kentucky, and now at Vandy. If they are able to beat Kentucky on Sunday, you can make a legitimate argument that they still deserve to be ranked #1, even with the Vandy loss.
So lets just hold off on dropping F-Bombs on a Tennessee team that really doesn't have any "bad" losses, even though UNC, Texas, UCLA, Kansas, and Duke all have at least one.
That idiot baseball player from Michigan - Far be it from me to criticize a student-athelete from the University of Michigan, but here goes.
During the fourth inning of this week's spring training game with the New York Mets, this kid (I don't know his name nor do I care to look it up) attempted a sacrafice bunt with a runner on second and Billy Wagner on the mound. Luckily for him, and whomever bats behind him in the lineup, the bunt went foul, because Wagner was livid. "If he would've gotten that bunt down," Wagner said, "I would've drilled the next guy."
Way to go kid. You lay a bunt down to try move a runner along, in a goddam spring training game no less, and almost start a beanball war with a Major League club. How often does this young, aspiring douchebag think he is going to get a chance to step in the box against a 5-time Major League all-star? Kid, you won't be able to tell your grandkids about the time you sacrificed a runner from second to third against a Big Leaguer! Swing the bat for crying out loud! If I were the coach I would've cut him on the spot.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
THE NICKELODEON: RICH RODRIGUEZ CAR DEALER AD
Rich Rodriguez wants to sell you a car. "Show me the bread, I'll run the spread." Leave it to the Eers to be creative like that (and copy Oklahomans).
Get a great deal ... after the jump.
H/T: FanIQ Sports Blog
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
TO THE FANS OF THE BIG 10 AND COLLEGE FOOTBALL (CONTINUED)
by Sterling Gould, More Credible
Greetings from the Big 10 Conference,
Most of you are very aware of who I am, if you're not, I'll introduce myself properly. I'm Jim Delaney, commissioner of America's favorite college conference, the Big 10. Why do you know my name already if you already do? It could be one of two reasons. The casual sports fan would never know someone that's in my position unless I was really good at my job, or extremely awful. I'll let my resume' do the talking. Oh, not to mention I'm one of the biggest douchebags to walk the face of the Earth and I've got a fucking powertrip that would make any Axis Leader blush. Throughout my tenure, I've had many "successes" as pointed out by Epic Carnival writer "Isaac(?)", who is obviously a terrorist to our conference. Let me be frank and say I do not condone any of the writers for Epic Carnival, and their battering of my bab-.... er... "business", the Big 10 Conference.
Some of you will recall my open letter to you after last years disappointing performance in the BCS games by our conference's best two team's, Ohio State and Michigan. Everyone can recall the rape in Arizona and some have forgotten the stomping the Trojans of Southern Cal gave Michigan in the Rose Bowl. All that to follow another beatdown in Atlanta to those pesky Southerners, a game that I'm still reviewing as fraud. And then what happened on Monday... *sigh*. I'm going to try to reiterate the things that make us a better conference morally, academically, and socially in the Big 10.
We're now adopting a new motto here in the office. We as the Big 10 should think of ourselves as "the lovable loser". It's not about winning or losing my minions, it's about how you compete. And did you ever feel that our teams never tried their hardest against those stronger, faster, and ultimately dumber teams from the rest of the Great U. S. and A? No, you say, because we played hard, and can clearly outsmart all of those dumb jocks. I heard they're still trying to fit square pegs in circular holes at Mississippi State. I laugh at that because our laboratory Big 10 Athletes are given 10 page examinations on calculus right out of the womb, and if they do not pass, they are thrown in the dumpster behind my house. Just because we can't compete with you physically, doesn't mean we can't hone our focus academically (which we kinda fail at as well anyways... shit!). I've also devised the Big 10 network, a television station dedicated to the glorious nation of Big Tenstonia so that we can homer ourselves to death. Also under way is www.BrentMusburgersucksoffSweatervest.com, for our "adult" readers.
I'm also the block that keeps you from seeing a playoff in college football. Those assholes from the South are trying to rehash the idea. That is pure lunacy. What would happen to the Big 10 / Pac 10 matchup everyone... nay, the nation looks forward to in the Rose Bowl. Did you see how competitive Illinois was against USC? The Illini almost scored 20 points. I should send all of those boys some nice whores from Oakland to congratulate them. A playoff just cannot, and will not happen, as long as I'm calling the shots. You've got a better shot of me filling this barren land I call my "scalp" with hair follicles. And let me tell you fuckers, I haven't seen hair up there since Ohio State's last win over an SEC team in a bowl game... which is never.
Keep your chin up Big 10 fan. Women's basketball is underway, and I heard the Penn State Lady Lions had a stellar squad full of intelligent, charming ladies that can shoot the rock. Perhaps this April, we'll get what's finally ours, a trophy.
I'm Jim Delaney. You know me because I blow. Also because I like to write letters like this, just to say "fuck you" SEC. I hope you, whatever the fuck your commissioners name is, and all of your athletes rot in Keith Jackson's armpit. Now if you'll excuse me, there are some cookies and milk waiting for me in the Study. Don't forget to tune into the Big 10 Network tonight for tonight's exciting matchup between Purdue and Iowa in women's field hockey. Those ladies should set the field on fire, and burn with the ashes.
Sincerly,
Jim Delaney
Friday, January 4, 2008
DEAR COACH ROD
by Simon, SimonOnSports
Dear Coach Rod,
Hi coach. I'm a sane calm non-couch-burning well educated West Virginia fan, meaning I don't actually exist, and I would like to thank you for all you have done for our program over the course of your career here.
A sane fan like me understands the circumstances. We in West Virginia don't have the most cash or the best recruiting grounds and it would have been tough for us to dedicate enough resources to equal the biggest programs in the country year in and year out. You had to do what you had to do. It was a rough time to leave having choked away a chance at a title, but it's not like it was 100% your fault. I mean Pat White did pussy out of the majority of the game because his thumb hurt. He gets hurt in every game we lose.
I just want to say that I am thankful for what you've given this program during your seven years. You had the highest winning percentage for a coach in the past century. Better than Coach Nehlen or Bobby Bowden. You gave us 4 Shares of the Big East title when Coach Nehlen only gave us one. You provided us with teams who were talented enough to win two BCS games in three years. We've played on a New Years day bowl or better each of the last five seasons. How many programs can say that? You did a wonderful job and you made all of the state proud.
It's time for everyone to move on and be happy with where we are at. You'll get yourself and your assistants more money at Michigan, you'll be able to get 4 and 5 star recruits to run your spread instead of searching for hidden gems like Pat White and we will continue to dominate the Big East in the near future and will again contend for a potential national title next season. And now we are in good hands with Coach Stew a purebread backwoods West Virginian who will be able to sell the school with Country Roads charm.
So again thanks for the past seven years Coach Rod, thanks for putting West Virginia in the position of a national power. Ok now I'm going fool around with my cousin as we've got some inbred future Mountaineers to make.
Non Couch Burning West Virginian
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
CAPITAL ONE BOWL: MICHIGAN VS. FLORIDA LIVE BLOGGING
by Vent, Busted Coverage
NOTE: Rose Bowl Live Blog also taking place.
Get up, wake up you drunken college football fan.
Busted Coverage here to take you through the Capital One Bowl like only we can. Forget the Xs and Os. I could care less. We're here to have a good time and make fun of Michigan and Florida.
Today's Ground Rules:
- Each time either team scores, a photo of a hot chick from that school gets posted.
- A Tebow interception = Pic of Tebow for the ladies.
Today's broadcasting crew: Mike Patrick, Todd Blackledge
Today's Photos: Huge thanks to Poon of the SEC for many of the photos you see within this live blog.
Pregame Update:
We are told Tebow loves kids. That outdoor hockey game could be more interesting than this conversation.
1st Quarter:
- Michigan to receive. Rich Rodriguez era just 4 quarters away.
- Uh...great catch from Arrington. Dude pulled in a Harlem Globetrotters like catch for 1st down.
- This Michigan drive has provided me with plenty of time to gather pics of hot Michigan coeds. Stay tuned for scoring update.
- Manningham ends the drive with a nice catch for the TD. 7-0 Michigan.
Mich. logo on left pant leg!- Busted Coverage Photo Editor Big Gay Rich just called and said he and the boys are 'totally' tuned in to this game. His love for Tebow is huge.
- A 49-yard field goal attempt is no good and I'm changing the channel to the hockey game in a snow storm.
- Nice graphic from ABC. Teams in coaching transition are winless this bowl season.
- Florida gets the ball back and tells Tebow to get a score so we can see hot chicks.
- Tebow fires one to Ingram and we're in business for boobies!
- Gators take a timeout and a quick check of the hockey game reveals the Zambonis have been called out to get rid of the building snow. This idea of outdoor hockey in Buffalo in January was a brilliant idea. The tailgating videos and pics should be legendary.
- Florida has illegal man down field penalty. This drive is stalling.
- Michigan brings pressure on Tebow. This guy won't last another two years at this pace.
- 3rd and goal and Tebow finds Harvin over the middle for the score. 7-7!
- Florida gets the ball back and Tebow begins to pick apart this Michigan defense. By the looks of things, you're going to be seeing many Florida photographs.
- Bubble screen goes for 7. Tebow has 2 TDs and we get some Florida tail. 14-7 UF!
- In other bowl news, Arkansas sucks. Virginia bores me. It's very rare that I would watch a hockey game over college football but that is exactly the situation I find myself in. The 1st period is over and I get Canadian television. Don Cherry time!
- Michigan starts this drive at the 44. These two teams refuse to kick deep. That equals scoring at a feverish pace.
- Mike Hart should not get another carry in this game. Michigan wide receivers are dominating. UM gets close to field goal range and I scurry for Michigan chicks.
- Don Cherry is wearing suit you'll be seeing all over the Internet. Even has a bow tie.
- Michigan gets inside the red zone and tries to hit Jake Long on an out pattern. Not a good call.
- NBC counters with Bob Costas on its hockey coverage. Cherry > Costas.
- Scratch that Hart comment. He gets the ball and scores to tie it up. 14-14!
- A Virginia RB just went 96-yards and becomes bowl legend.
- Percy Harvin tries to match UVA RB with huge run to get UF back in range. That didn't take long. This pace is hard to keep up with. Florida chicks are going to be popping every 5 minutes.
- UF continues to make mistakes inside the red zone. That must have been penalty #5 inside the 20.
- UM brings pressure and it looks like field goal time.
- And it's blocked. Fucking kicking game. It has now cost us two pictures. Cmon' Urban. We need points from the special teams.
- Michigan takes little time to go the other way. Some big ass kicking tight end goes inside the 10 but Mike Hart fumbles and Florida gets it back. I need a drink. Make it a double!
- Buffalo scores to tie up the outdoor hockey game. 1-1.
- Rich Rodriguez joins Mike Patrick in the booth. Patrick has yet to ask his opinion on the Jaime Lynn Spears pregnancy dilemma.
- Michigan trick playbook emptied out. Double pass turns into Henne INT at the goal line. I'm hoping Patrick turns to crazy talk soon.
- Zamboni back on the ice in Buffalo. Snow piling up quickly. Don Cherry begins to make Jack and Coke snow cones.
- Looks like a huge crowd at the Gator Bowl. The upper level is closed. Epic battle between Texas Tech and Virginia fails to interest football fans.
- Arrington makes another great catch and it goes to the replay booth. Looks like points and bikinis before halftime.
- Arrington gets the 1-yard TD catch and we get chicks just before halftime. 21-14 UM!
- It's halftime. Time to work on special feature I'm putting together on the daughter of an NHL GM. She's hot, plays volleyball and has great pics on her MySpace page. You guys will approve. I guarantee it.
- Observations so far: Mike Patrick has yet to embarrass himself, rush Tebow, SEC quickness is WAY overrated, Florida isn't THAT good, Michigan isn't THAT bad.
- Florida refuses to take kickoff and Michigan has yet another chance to score. I must search quickly. If you guys have pictures you'd like posted: mail @ bustedcoverage.com
- Mike Hart trash talks his way to a TD. 28-14 UM! And Tebow prepares the tears.
- Timmy Jorts has his work cut out for him. It's time to throw it down the field and you know what that means. The ladies could be getting hot ass pics of Heisman boy.
- I need a timeout or change of possession. I want to check out the Reggie Bush and his skank celebrating the New Year.
- Tebow becomes God and gets the Gators to the goal line. We're closing in on poon!
- Teboner runs over Michigan defender. 28-21 UM!
- I wonder how easy it is getting tail and keeping it quiet after winning the Heisman? That must be tough.
- While I debate that question with Busted Coverage stylist Claude, Michigan puts together yet another drive. That Florida defense is very tough.
- Holy shit. Hart costs Michigan two TDs. This game should be 56-21 UM.
- Oh gawwdd, Timmy brings UF back to tie it up. Thanks Mike Hart 28-28!
- Michigan and Florida have saved this college bowl season. This is by far the best game over the last 5 days. Huge programs, star power and great plays. Manningham just broke off a huge reverse. I can't believe the excitement of this game. I'm going to need some scotch to calm my nerves.
- Remember when the Gator Bowl was important? The crowd at today's game is beyond sorry.
- Holly Rowe sideline reporting greatness: "Gosh Dang" quoted from Florida defensive player.
- And we get overtime in Buffalo. I'm praying for a shootout.
- Michigan retakes the lead with field goal. 31-28 UM!
- Mike Patrick just admitted to gaining 10 pounds this college football season. Too many lonely nights alone eating triple chocolate donuts and Britney songs on the iPod.
- A classic football game is going on and the crew can only talk about where Todd Blackledge ate each week. Don Cherry wouldn't stand for such garbage.
- Shootout in Buffalo. We'll be watching this for the next few moments.
- It's hard for one game to save a sport but I think we're watching the rejuvenation of hockey in North America.
- Sidney Crosby just scored the most important goal of the year. Pittsburgh wins in a shootout.
- Back to football and Percy Harvin gets in for 6. Gators gets lead back. 35-31 UF!
- Great f$%ing catch by Arrington. Michigan back in business. These Michigan wide receivers are playing out of their asses. This guy just guaranteed himself to move straight up the draft board.
- Arrington again! This is insane. Michigan retakes the lead. 38-35 UM!
- I'm running out of Michigan chick photos. Those of you who have been to Ann Arbor know that hot chicks are scarce. So many of them are marginals like your buddy Keith hits when he's been without tail for a year or so.
- And that will be all for the Florida Gators. 4th and 6 pass by Teboner goes incomplete. Rich Rodriguez just handed keys to multi-million dollar football program.
- Michigan kicker nails field goal to make it a 6-point lead. 41-35 UM!
I never imagined it would come to this: UM Asian Tail- Curse of the Heisman looks to be working again. Jorts is a runner, not a 2:00 QB.
- That will be all, folks. Timmy loses. Michigan seniors prepare Gatorade bath and get first ever bowl win.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
BEST USE OF PHOTOSHOP AWARD FOR DECEMBER 19
Way to work it, MGoBlog.
If you do or see some great photoshopping in the future, send it to us and you might win ...
... a mythical national championship.Money can't buy that!
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
THE MICHIGAN JOB, NOT QUITE SEXY
by Sterling Gould, More Credible
Today's scene starts off in Michigan Athletic Director Bill Martin's office, where he's closely inspecting resumes to fill the the coaching void for their football team.
Bill Martin: (speaking to himself) Alright Bill, got a long day ahead of you. The good people of Michigan... no, the Big 10... wait, the World is relying on your decision here after today. I've got to make sure that the next coach has longevity, experience, and a knowledge of Michigan traditions. It's time to win championships here at Michigan, and the goodness starts at the top of the tits. (picks up phone) Jan... go ahead and send in the next in line please.
(door opens, in comes Ed Orgeron strapped with a trumpet, cymbals tied to his knees, a coo-coo clock on top of his head, and a large bass drum that reads "I AM AWESOME. MICHIGAN NEEDS AWESOME." Martin shields his ears as Orgeron blares away.)
Ed Orgeron: (stops playing) Yeah! High five buddy!
Martin: (checks to see if his lobes are bleeding) Ugh... maybe later sir, what's your name?
Orgeron: The name's Ed Orgeron, and I'm here to coach your team up and beat your fans!
Martin: (shocked and impressed by Orgeron's truthfulness) Excuse me? Did I just hear you say "beat our fans?"
Orgeron: You shuuuuuuuuure did boss man! How you expect to gain the respect of your fanbase if you don't put a little fear of God in 'em? You know, give 'em a few shots to the jaw. Remind 'em who's wearin' the headset?
Martin: We have a great and cordial fanbase, and they donate lots of money to the school. I don't believe beating them would make a difference and besides that's got nothi-
Orgeron: Oh c'mon, they're soft like Charlie Weis' man titties.
Martin: You are insane.
Orgeron: Yeah? And I haven't even got to the football part yet! (Starts bangin' the drums, trumpets)
Martin: (yelling over the music) Mr. Orgeron! We're done here!
Orgeron: (stops playing, disappointed) *sigh... I guess it's back to driving the clown car for me.
(He leaves, Martin readjusts his suit, asks Jan to send in the next in line. In comes a man in a dirty banana suit. It's Lloyd Carr)
Martin: Lloyd? What the hell happened to you? And why are you wearing a banana suit?
Lloyd Carr: Billy, (coughs)... it's dark and cold out there. I need to come back. (looks down at the banana suit) Fuck, I walked out of the house with the wrong coat on.
Martin: Right... Umm, I don't know if that's a good idea Lloyd. We're happy that you retired and we're not sure if you were leading down the road to National Championships like you used to.
Carr: Am I not a human being? Is winning all you Michiganeers care about? CAN'T I JUST HAVE KETCHUP WITH MY FRIES?
(Grabs Martin, looks him right in the eye. Martin is intimidated.)
Martin Lloyd! You're losing it man. You're not even making sense.
Carr: I haven't changed this diaper in four years Billy. I wanted dreadlocks when I was a kid.
Martin: CHRIST! Lloyd... please stop this. You're just rambling, this has nothing to do with football! You need to leave.
Carr: (puts Billy down, takes off his banana suit, he's naked) That's fine Billy. But I want you to see these scars. You GAVE me these scars.
Martin: (shielding his eyes) God, Lloyd, those are just wrinkles!
Carr: They're scars you fuck! I'm out of here! I've got a marathon to win.
(Carr runs out of the office, hands waving in the air and is screaming "I WON IN '97! I WON IN '97!". Martin looks down at his desks, opens up a drawer with a noose inside. He ties it to the ceiling, wraps his neck inside, and kicks the chair.)
Monday, December 3, 2007
ALRIGHT, ENOUGH BCS BITCHING
by Thermocaster, The Meaningful Collateral
The level of outrage and irritation following the BCS announcement last night has been pretty substantial, with mainstream journalists and bloggers both pointing out the severe flaws in both this year's selections and the system in general. Most everybody from this camp is on point --- we know the BCS is a piece of sport detritus, a shameless money-grab by a bunch of small-time pimps posing as athletic directors and conference commissioners, working in sad tandem with a bunch of Jurassic-era major bowls whose time has long since passed. We know the system is fatally flawed, especially when the #1 team in the BCS ratings going into the final week doesn't even make a BCS game.
And we also know that the BCS has a ridiculous amount of apologists and enablers - from hand puppets like Corso and Herbstreit to more intelligent apologists like some folks in the blogging world, there is no shortage of people willing to say that the BCS is "getting the job done". Ultimately, this acceptance on the part of mainstream and online media is the reason why the system will never change, despite the vast majority of college football fans seeing this farce for what it is, year after year.
But hey, this entry isn't intended to bitch about the BCS. We're here to look at the other bowl games, and talk about the highlights and lowlights that we've got in store.
BEST NON-BCS GAME: Cotton Bowl (Missouri vs Arkansas). One side features a dynamic offense... or at least, dynamic against everyone but Oklahoma. The other side features the guy who should be the Heisman Trophy winner, but won't be. Arkansas played well in Houston Nutt's last game on the sidelines --- will they play even better now that the weight of that situation is off their shoulders? Plus, Missouri's got to be feeling pretty goddamn unappreciated right now after being snubbed by the BCS for a team that they beat just two weeks ago. I like the possibilities of this one - it will end up being a better game than either the Rose or Orange Bowls.
MOST OVERHYPED GAME: Capital One Bowl (Michigan vs Florida). We got jobbed on this game. If Illinois hadn't been taken by the BCS, we'd have had a whole month of "Zook vs Florida!" stories. And then Florida would've killed Illinois. Now, instead, we'll get a month of erroneous Michigan coaching search stories, a ton of hype about the history and tradition of these two schools...and then Florida will kill Michigan. By 30.
BEST BCS/NON-BCS CONFERENCE MATCH-UP: Liberty Bowl (UCF vs Mississippi State). The pickings are kinda slim for this category, so we'll go with this one. On one side, you've got Central Florida, resurrected by George O'Leary (who is a story all by himself), and featuring running back Kevin Smith, who's rushed for nearly 2,500 yards this year and is poised to break Barry Sanders' single season rushing record. On the other side, you've got Sylvester Croom, the first black coach in SEC history, and all the accompanying media attention that has received. The Bulldogs are back in a bowl for the first time in years, and have beaten Alabama, Auburn, and Kentucky this year.
WORST BOWL INVOLVING BCS CONFERENCE TEAMS: Meineke Car Care Bowl (Wake Forest vs Connecticut). If you're not an alum of either school and you're actually excited for this game, you may have problems in your personal life. Seriously, why possible reason does any non-affiliated person have for watching this game? To watch the coaching genius of Jim Grobe? (Good luck, Michigan!) To marvel at Jim Edsall's desire to stay in Storrs? I will probably watch the game, but only because I'll be trying to avoid my girlfriend's family. As a bonus, this game is taking place in the bowl with the worst name, narrowly edging out the Chick-Fil-A Bowl.
BEST 'SEPTEMBER' GAME: Sun Bowl (Oregon vs South Florida). This is a match-up I would've loved to have seen in late September or early October --- the Ducks, riding high behind Dennis Dixon, taking on a white-hot South Florida team. Instead, we get this game now, with Dixon on the sidelines, the Ducks on a three-game slide, and South Florida's momentum just now starting to build up again after their own three-game slide in late October.
LIKELIEST UPSET: Las Vegas Bowl (UCLA vs BYU). This, of course, assumes that UCLA is even going to be favored in the first place. If I were Karl Dorrell's replacement, I'd wait until AFTER the game to accept the job.
Finally, just for the heck of it, I'm gonna make my BCS predictions now, since all of the games appear pretty academic.
SUGAR BOWL (Hawaii vs Georgia): I really enjoy watching Hawaii, and think they'd beat Illinois or Kansas. Georgia? Not so much. Georgia 45, Hawaii 24
ROSE BOWL (USC vs Illinois): USC is not the all-dominant team that Lee Corso would have us believe. Still, they're better than Illinois, who is still at least a year away from being able to legitimately compete in bowls like these. USC 38, Illinois 14
FIESTA BOWL (Oklahoma vs West Virginia): Lots of people will be predicting a similar outcome to what happened between West Virginia and Georgia a couple years back. Those people will be wrong --- the major difference being that this West Virginia team apparently doesn't have anything to prove. If they did, they sure as hell wouldn't be playing in the Fiesta Bowl this year. Oklahoma 28, West Virginia 10
ORANGE BOWL (Virginia Tech vs Kansas): Despite not having played anyone, it's not out of the question for Kansas to win this game. Virginia Tech played in the weakest of the BCS conferences this season, and Kansas as a program is hungrier at this point than VT (and no, not just because of Mangino. Come on, people). Still, VT prevails, due mostly to their athletes. Virginia Tech 24, Kansas 20
BCS TITLE GAME (Ohio State vs LSU): Ignore the hype, ignore the "see tests", ignore all of it. Ohio State is not the best team in the country, LSU isn't the #2 team in the country. The Buckeyes are the product of an absurdly weak schedule. LSU is a product of an absurd amount of SEC fondling. That said, LSU will obliterate Ohio State, with a couple of late OSU touchdowns making it look closer than it actually was. Louisiana State 45, Ohio State 31.
Monday, November 19, 2007
SIDESHOW ALLEY: AN OPEN LETTER TO JENNIFER WALCOTT
by Dr. C, Chicago Bull
Jennifer Walcott, what do you see in Adam Archuleta? Is his terrible tackling a term of endearment to you? Do you think it's cute when he gets his ankles broken every other play? What makes you stay with this ass clown? I have a few assumptions that I would like to determine based off of what I have seen as your personal preferences.
1. You wear the pants in your relationships. Could you easily send a line to Purple Jesus when the Bears are in Minnesota soon? Sure. You could have him take you to dinner while he plants his seed in you celestially. But that's not you, is it? Instead of embracing this idea, you shove your man's face in his weaknesses. What's next, showing up to a Cubs game and doing an interview with Pat Hughes and Ron Santo showing off your legs telling Ronnie that these are useful, motherf---er?
2. You have that Titanic quality about you, and I'm not talking about your fake tits (although they are nice). If he goes down, you go down. But you probably don't go down, much like Judith in Saving Silverman. I'll bet a hundred bucks says you've never sucked somebody off outside of business. (Please send payment options to mjcardosi@gmail.com)
3. Finally, you are the Kenneth Lay of Playmate-athlete girlfriends. There's no reason for you not to leave right now; the Bears suck, and Archuleta sucks more (if that's possible). Yet you still stay... God only knows what type of exit strategy you've planned, which leads me to believe you're also smart. Maybe Walcott in '12, and I would vote for you based off of how much you won't wear in the Oval Office.
ADRIAN ARRINGTON AND MARIO MANNINGHAM ARE THE BIGGEST PUSSIES ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH: Wow. That's all I was left to type after watching the Michigan-Ohio State game. I've seen some real big pussies before (Upham from Saving Private Ryan, Eli Manning), but you two took the cake and ran with it. Everytime you got a pass that was catchable you dropped it in fear of getting hit (paging Jennifer Walcott, fresh blood will be entering the NFL draft in April). As a Michigan fan, you can go fuck yourselves much like Lloyd Carr.
SPEAKING OF MICHIGAN, CHAD HENNE WILL BECOME THE NEXT TOM BRADY: A bold claim? Possibly. Brady sucked at Michigan. Why do you think he was drafted in the 6th round of the 2000 NFL draft to begin with? There's been plenty of shitty Michigan quarterbacks who have never gotten anywhere, Jim Harbaugh, Brian Griese and John Navarre to name a few, and I'm sure there's plenty more that the guys at Ghosts of Wayne Fontes can think of that I've forgotten.
RICORADO MAYORGA IS MY NEW FAVORITE BADASS: I saw a preview for Vargas v. Mayorga on DirecTV, and they showed Mayorga smoking a cigarette holding up his belt after a fight during the promo. That is the definition of a badass. A world class athlete who is jonesin' for a smoke like Mark Grace back in the day. As a fellow smoker, I support you sir. You make us all proud.
FINALLY, MY GRANDPA IS THE BEST PERSON TO WATCH BEARS GAMES WITH: A bit of a homer move, but I don't give a fuck. I had to help my grandpa move some stuff as they are selling their house, but in turn I got to watch most of the game with him. Here's his thoughts on the game as I depart:
- Urlacher should fucking retire. He can't tackle anybody.
- Muhammad's coke habit is finally wearing on him; he can't play anymore. Maybe it's methamphetamines or speed. But it's probably coke.
- I hope they take that asshole's face off of him so he can never play again (Grossman).
- They suck. So do the Bulls.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
THIS GAME REALLY DOESN'T MEAN SH!T
by Stan, Ghosts of Wayne Fontes
I hate to gloat – wait, scratch that, I LOVE to gloat. And so gloat, I shall. I saw this coming. Yup, while most of you Michigan and Ohio State fans were too busy getting fat and happy about the respective success of each team, I saw this coming a mile away. The “Biggest Rivalry in College Football” means jack shit today. Yet, that’s not any indication that I’m not going to watch. I mean who doesn’t stare out of curiosity at the scene of an accident on the side of the freeway.
And that brings me back to my gloating stance. Wait, what do you mean you saw this coming? Well, it all started before the season even began when I spoke candidly and on the record in this very space about my disdain and displeasure for Michigan. I correctly predicted the usual choke job to a non-conference team; followed by the inevitable win streak that would propel Michigan fans into thinking they somehow deserved a shot at the National Championship picture. A few months and several death threats later, look who’s right?
Much thanks go out to Appalachian State and Oregon for making me look somewhat Nostradamic. Of course, the eight game win streak rose from the ashes and then I heard something that nearly forced me to soil my own pants. “Michigan is only a blocked FG away from being a Top 3 team.” OK, but the field goal did get blocked and they lost to Appalachian “fucking” State. Are we gonna spilt heirs here?
Thankfully, the win streak came to a halt last week in Wisconsin. And now, just about everything I predicted looks to be about right. I still think Michigan will beat Ohio State on Saturday. They will get their fans all hyped only to get crushed by USC or another PAC-10 team, yet again. Yes, these are all obvious things that are going to happen. And as a side bar to all of this is that Lloyd Carr is probably jumping or being forced to jump ship (more on that in just a second).
So, when it comes to Ohio State I might not have been quite dead on in my predictions. However, I did suggest it wouldn't exactly be an easy season for the Buckeye's. Oh wait, that didn't quite turn out accordingly either. Regardless, I've done my best all season long to point out the fact that they would lose at least two games this season. Mission accomplished, maybe. Anyhow, Michigan and Ohio State fans just remind of those fucking pricks that attach cell phones to their bet buckles. Maybe it's just me, but that shit just irks the shit out of me. Well, enough about me, here are some of the obvious items of note going into the "showdown."
Neither team is as good as we thought.
Pre-season it was Michigan or bust. Then came the gag job and our attention was diverted to Ohio State. Overrated in every sense of the word. Yet, somebody has to volunteer to get their ass whipped in Rose Bowl...right?
The Big 10 Stinks.
In case you've been living in another dimension, the Big 10 is garbage. Not really any other way to spell it out other than the fact that the players are a step slower and it's just not the DOMINANT conference most people would like to believe it is.
Lloyd Carr is upstaging the game.
He IS going to retire. Enough with the fucking shenanigans already Lloyd. Nobody really cares. Do you know why? Because you took a prominent program and made them vulnerable again. You went into every single season with expectations of the National Championship. Yet, somehow your season's have played out like a broken fucking record. Douche and move on Ann Arbor.
Brent Musberger is ejaculating to this game.
Alone in some hotel room in Ann Arbor Brent Musberger just ejaculated all over his TV. And it wasn't because the wind caught Erin Andrews hair at the Arizona game. Nope. It's solely for the fact that he gets to call Ohio State/Michigan and add the final level of hype.
Hopefully, it's regional coverage.
Because, let's be honest -- I'd much rather watch Michigan State.
(Originally published 11/16)
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