by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
10. You remember when this list lasted a lot longer, and wasn't so hard to write
9. Writing happens in your own damn basement, not your mom's (and tell her I said hi)
8. Your retro sports jerseys aren't exactly store-bought fresh
7. You identify more with the coaches and sportswriters than you do the players
6. You have to check your archives to realize that you hit this list six months ago
5. No matter how much more money you make than when you were a kid, stadium prices offend you on every possible level
4. Anyone who hasn't watched your favorite teams for as long as you is just jumping on your bandwagon
3. Other writers who fill their bloghole with reality television and poon piss you off, but somehow, you are OK with cranking out recycled lists
2. When you listen to new music, it sounds like old music, and it makes people who listen to that music question their tastes
1. When a professional season ends, you think more about being one year closer to death without a championship, rather than the upcoming season
Thursday, June 19, 2008
TOP 10 ADDITIONAL SIGNS THAT YOU ARE AN OLD, OLD, OLD SPORTS BLOGGER
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
TOP 12 BASEBALL TRADITIONS THAT SHOULD BE REVIVED
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
12. Shame.
Richie Sexson charges the mound on a pitch that wasn't anywhere near him. Alex Rodriguez screams at a third baseman like a little kid, and slaps at a glove like a bitch. Manny Ramirez watches every extra base hit like it's a freaking oil painting. Guys wear body armor and crowd the plate. Joba Chamberlain and Carlos Zambrano have orgasms when they get strikeouts. Dozens if not hundreds of guys inject.
Is it too much to ask you meatheads to be, you know, men?
11. Seventh inning stretches that recognize America as a fine and honorable nation that needs nothing more than peanuts and Cracker Jack.
Hey, Yankees? You aren't fooling anyone with this 9/11 fetishism. We all know it's just a way to keep your paying customers in the place for another 20 minutes to pump up your concession sales. Stop making money off a tragedy.
(Yes, I know this probably isn't their main motivation, but we are well into 6 years of pointless and grandiose displays, and I'd like it to stop in my lifetime. Spread the word that the Yanks spend the extra time, I don't know, fondling kids or something. Let's end this.)
10. Wildly colorful, insulting, and highly unlikely nicknames.
The Wild Horse of the Osage! Losing Pitcher! Old Aches and Pains! Yes, dammit, a million times yes. These borderline corporations in the batters box need to be taken down a peg. Or six.
9. Hitting the runner with the ball for an out.
If it was good enough for the 19th century, it's good enough for now. Besides, I'd like to see who has enough stones to still bunt in the post-pain era.
8. The bullpen car.
Especially since Tony LaRussa murdered the late innings with constant changes. If you have to change pitchers every hitter, I expect to see 0 to 60 burnouts to get the next slop artist up there.
7. Artificial turf.
You know who hated this stuff? Players. Screw 'em; they're paid enough. I miss parks where you could get a triple just by hitting it hard past the shortstop, because triples rule. Oh, and so does having players who would steal 60 bases a year being actual stars, rather than sabermetrically disrespected. Stolen bases are exciting. Walks aren't. (And yes, I'm an A's fan, but if every team played patient, baseball would be excruciating to watch.)
6. Pennant races.
I'm not completely against the wildcard... but it's way too easy to make it to the playoffs that way and have everything be just hunky dory. So keep the wildcard, but make it hurt -- by having the wildcard team play *all* of its first-round games on the road. If you weren't good enough to win your division, you should suffer. Even if you're really good. (Hell, if you're all that and a bag of chips, you'll win that series anyway with the complete Us vs. Them thing.)
5. Independent minor leagues.
This is a whole 'nother post in itself, but why should so much of the country suffer with local pennant races that mean nothing, and can be compromised at any time? Imagine, for a moment, a country in which college basketball or football worked the same way. Yeah, that's a lame world, isn't it? 
4. Mind-boggingly ugly uniforms.
Nothing, but nothing, will ever come close to those mid '70s Astros gamers. Unless it was those crap brown Padre duds. Or that aggro uggo A's gear. Or any number of ChiSox freakouts. Or the Tribe's all-red catsuits. Or...
You know what? Those uniforms were fun. If your team had them, you either Stockholm Syndromed yourself into liking them, or just good-naturedly stuck with it. It made fandom mean something. Forget the throwbacks; make them permanent. (Besides, if you're paying for a uniform, you need to stop taking life seriously.)
3. Cocaine.
Ah, remember those halcyon days where you knew that the players that were abusing illegal drugs were hurting their performance, rather than helping it? Coked-up players spent their money in truly spectacular ways, endured revolving door rehabs, and were easily mocked by any opposing fan with the ability to sniff hard. And since cocaine was wildly expensive, you didn't really have to worry about kids wanting to do it. Bring back Peruvian Marching Powder!
2. Land mines (gloves, statues, etc.).
Once again a time, players left their gloves in the field, and Yankee Stadium had statues in play in deep center field. More of this, please. We've had enough routine plays to last a lifetime.
1. Bizarro Parks.
Not just modern bizarre, like the pinball domes in Seattle, or the freaky offense be damned park in Houston. I'm looking for Polo Grounds insanity (dimensions of 279' to left, 450 to left center, 483 to dead, 449 to right center, and 258 to right). I want parks with decades of history, most of it obscure. Give me places with no luxury box seating at all, troughs in the restrooms, and food that is clearly cheap and bad for you.
Oh, and for a price that means you could go more than a handful of times a year without a trust fund. (And while I'm wishing, I'd like a pony. That craps money.)
Friday, April 25, 2008
TOP 12 WAYS IN WHICH THE SEAHAWKS' RELEASE OF SHAWN ALEXANDER WAS DIFFICULT
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
"This was an extremely difficult decision." - Seahaks GM Tim Ruskell on the release of Shawn Alexander
In reading that, I was left with only two possibilities.
1) Ruskell has better things to do than watch game films of his team, or
2) He's the granddaddy of all liars.
Seriously, I knew Alexander was D-U-N, and I live 3,000 miles away. When your team goes to the backup fullback (Leonard Weaver) as the speed threat instead of the one-time MVP and single-season touchdown record holder, the only "difficulty" in the decision is when you kick yourself in the ass for not doing it sooner.
But for those who refuse to take either Door #1 or #2, here's a list to satisfy your Hawk Lust. (You filthy, filthy person.)
12. Had to break the news to Alexander's remaining fan
11. Without Steve Hutchinson handy, the release had no chance to break through into actual public awareness or interest
10. Just couldn't decide whether to can him by phone, fax, email or stripper-gram
9. Fistfight among team personnel over who got to tell him only stopped by very long rock-paper-scissors final
8. Using the same podium as Mike Holmgren requires a man to be able to speak while gagging on the stench of raw fish
7. Ruskell is the kind of man who spends days in the supermarket deciding between various brands of canned goods
6. Not sure when to kick off the Epic Julius Jones - TJ Duckett - Mercury Morris battle for the right to disappoint fantasy league geeks
5. Ruskell had Alexander in his fantasy team as well, and has been trying to move him for months
4. Wanted to release Alexander in a manner consistent with his play -- fumbling, tentative, and with the speed of a somewhat agile zombie
3. Kept trying to take Alexander aside to tell him, but he kept falling over at the slightest touch
2. Know that as soon as the ink was dry on the release, Ricky Watters would be on the line demanding his old job back
1. The memories of... what year did he score all the touchdowns again? -- are too fresh
Friday, April 18, 2008
TOP 11 SIGNS THAT MIGUEL TEJADA WAS OLDER THAN ADVERTISED
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
Jeez, first Raffy Palmeiro rats on him, then ESPN goes all 60 Minutes on his ass. Miggy, you should have never left Oakland!
11. Kept telling ESPN reporters to get off his lawn
10. Only will autograph large print baseballs
9. Losing range, hair, interest in new music
8. Becoming more forgetful about small things, like his true age
7. Interested in B-12 shots for gout and lumbago
6. Thinks he played with Cal Ripken and Alfredo Griffin
5. Makes sure to get lots of fiber from the post-game spread
4. Was happy with the trade from Baltimore to Houston, since he can't handle the cold very well anymore
3. Stories about his days with the A's keep getting longer and more pointless
2. Has started wearing an onion in his belt, which, you know, was the style at the time...
1. Now wearing his stirrups up around his armpits
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
TORRE CAUGHT SLEEPING IN DUGOUT FOR FIRST TIME AS A DODGER
by Tbone, The Sports Hernia
It was a special moment in Vero Beach yesterday as Joe Torre was photographed taking his first in-game nap as manager of the the Los Angeles Dodgers. The 68-year old manager was first spotted by several photographers after attempting an aggressive nose pick that appeared to bring back feeble results.
"He was really going for it," said one onlooker in prime seats adjacent to the Dodger dugout. "I didn't see him pull out anything good, but his index finger was up there for so long that I think he must have gotten light-headed and just fell asleep. The nap was a good 15 minutes -- at one point he was using Lasorda's right breast as a pillow. It's a good thing Tommy was there today."
When bench coach Bob Schaefer finally woke him after several taps to his shoulder, head and even belly, Torre was overheard muttering, "just bring in Proctor, bring in Proctor," a frightening and all-too familiar phrase for Yankee fans last year.
Schaefer obeyed the order and Proctor performed admirably, walking the bases loaded on 12 consecutive pitches and giving up a ground rule double.
Torre's last nap is said to have been last year shortly before Alex Rodriguez hit a game ending walk-off home run against the Orioles, with the uneasy stampede exploding up the dugout steps as the reason for being awoken.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
TOP 12 SIGNS THAT YOU ARE BECOMING AN OLD AND CRANKY SPORTS BLOGGER
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
12. You remember when American Gladiators was really all about the gladiating
11. You find yourself mildly interested in which geezer act will play the halftime show at the Super Bowl (huh, Tom Petty... well, I guess he's better than Paul McCartney)...
10. All of these NFL teams don't run the ball enough for you, and no one knows how to tackle, dagnabbbit
9. You start having a hard time getting up for work after night games, because you never stay up that late anymore
8. You wonder what they do to keep the grass green in January, and if you can use the same products on your lawn
7. You remember when Al Davis struck fear in the hearts of opposing NFL teams because his moves were canny
6. Your porn is old school -- very old school (NSFW Silent Age of Movies Poon)
5. You think USFL merchandise is retro-cool instead of unknown-dork
4. You pick backhanded passive-aggressive fights with crappy sports blogs just to see if they'll notice and comment
3. You write in the same formula, day after day, while wondering why everyone else resorts to titty and video clips
2. You read the work of horrible wankers at mainstream sports sites just to give yourself a rise of righteous bile
1. Not only do you hate ESPN's "Who's Now," you don't even know anyone who doesn't hate it
Monday, December 31, 2007
TOP 10 REASONS MARV LEVY IS STEPPING DOWN AS BILLS GM
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
Of course, this is being reported by ESPN's Chris Mortensen... but despite that, it's still likely to be true, since it's also being reported by the Associated Press. (With Mortensen's "stories", you get a second opinion first...)
10. Too much exposure to J.P. Losman counts as elder abuse under New York state law
9. Wanted to go out on the same date as that old fart Testaverde
8. Afraid of tarnishing his leagacy of four straight Super Bowl losses
7. Keeps calling Marshawn Lynch "Thurman"
6. Tired of getting grief from the Bills office workers for wearing onions in his belt
5. Got an offer to spill the dirt on Kevin Everett in a tell-all book
4. It just stopped being about the music, man
3. Can't relate to today's players, with their millionaire paychecks, huge entourages, plastic helmets and full sets of teeth
2. Just found out that Viagra is right for him, and the trim in Buffalo is just not up to his standards
1. Unlike the rest of the people in upstate New York, doesn't want to die while watching football
Thursday, December 20, 2007
THE NICKELODEON: ESCALATOR ATTACKS OLD DUDE
Old people are funny. Whether it's them driving 15 mph with their left turn signal on for 14 miles, or the way that they bitch about everything new, they just crack me up. The old dude in this video will do nothing to quell that feeling as he fails to master the art of riding one of them new-fangled escalator thingies.
Falling up(?) an escalator ... after the jump.
Go ahead... watch it again.
(Credit Glumbert for the find.)
Thursday, December 6, 2007
THE NICKELODEON: LADIES, DON'T F--K WITH OLD DUDES
So what's the rule if a woman slaps you? Take it and move on, right? You don't hit back under any circumstances, right? What if the lady in question is, how shall we say, old? Well, according to the old dude in this video, the correct response is to make a fist and jack her square in the jaw. I guess once you're that old you just don't care anymore about the rules of society.
Old people are fun! ... after the jump.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
AROUND THE WORLD OF SEXUAL ASSAULTS BY ATHLETES
by Kyle Smith, Doberman On The Diamond
As Adam Sandler said in Billy Madison when one of the kids double-dared him to touch the teacher's boobs: "That's assault, brother." It seems like a fairly simple concept for people to grasp. Most of us learned in kindergarten to keep our hands to ourselves. It's pretty simple - unless you are invited to, then no touchy. Alas, a few athletes, former athletes and coaches (not to mention one reality TV star) seem incapable of remembering this.
- A former TCU basketball player, 20 year old Shannon Behling, was indicted for a sexual assault that took place last year in a TCU dorm room. He allegedly called a girl to come over, and one of his buddies, another former TCU basketball player named Virgil Taylor, spiked her drink:
"Police have said Taylor lured the woman to his dorm room on the pretext of repaying her money he owed her. There, the woman told police, she was given a sports drink that caused her to pass out ... The woman told police she awoke briefly to find Taylor having sex with her."
- This is not an athlete, but many people may know Bam Margera's uncle, "Don Vito," from the MTV series "Viva La Bam" that follows Bam around as he does moronic stuff. Unfortunately for Vito, he's going to the slammer, and he was none too happy about it.
"A jury delivered a split verdict of guilty on two counts of sexual assault on a child ... Margera had been accused of groping three young girls — one 14-year-old and two 12-year-olds — at an autograph signing at a Colorado mall in August 2006 ... soon as the first guilty count came down, Margera fell or threw himself backwards and hit the ground, making a loud noise, causing some furniture to fly ... Margera yelled out, 'you might as well kill me now,' as well as, 'I can't f---ing spend the rest of my life in jail,' 'you cops lied' and 'you can rot in f---ing hell!'" (You can see photos of him groping women who are over 18 here. You know, if you're into that kind of stuff.)
- In a sting much like the one everyone in America has seen on the "To Catch A Predator" television show, Joseph Carroll, a current student and former pitcher for Georgia was arrested for planning to have sex with a 15-year-old girl he was talking to on the internet. Only that 15-year-old was a police officer, and he got put behind bars.
"Once he was arrested we found the Google map directions and prescription male enhancements Viagra and Levitra in the vehicle, Peachtree City Police Chief Jim Murray said."
Some others:
- A former team physician for Naval Academy sports teams is on trial for secretly videotaping students having sex at his home, where he was a "midshipman sponsor, hosting roughly a dozen students under the program where midshipmen spend weekends off campus at private homes to relax."
- A high school football player sexually assaulted an unconscious 15-year-old girl.
- And in an odd, sort of funny-in-a-sick-way case, a man who "claims to be a sports enthusiast, who loves football," was charged with having sex with a 92-year-old woman ... who was dead.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
THE MIDWAY: MY EYES! & MORTEN ANDERSEN IS SO OLD...
This weekend the Eagles will be sporting some threads that are actually worse to look at than the ones the Steelers wore last week. Seriously, this is the equivalent of getting raped by a disease infested whale right in your eye-socket. (Blown Coverage)
Ten things you didn't know about the ageless wonder that is Morten Andersen. Example: Morten's best friends while growing up? Jesus and Greg Oden. (Right Down Peachtree)
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Top 10 Signs You're Becoming A Very, Very Old Football Fan
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
10) You remember the USFL -- and individual players from it (Herschel Walker! Doug Flutie! Sam Mills! Kelvin Bryant! Jim Kelly! Vince Evans! Wait, I have more...)
9) Every offense looks like they throw the ball too goddamn much
8) You still can't quite grasp that the Cardinals are in Phoenix, and Los Angeles has no team
7) Coors Light commercials fool you into thinking they are real
6) You sometimes tune in to the late game on CBS just to make sure you haven't missed the start of "60 Minutes"
5) Your idea of an innovative defensive scheme is to switch to the 3-4
4) You still don't quite trust the idea of a black quarterback... and you're black yourself
3) You have fond memories of Stick-Um
2) You still think Al Davis as evil and a genius, rather than pathetic, incompetent and senile
1) Every roughing the passer call makes you shake your fist at the screen and scream "Pussies"
Friday, August 24, 2007
Imagine If Your Grandpa Played College Football ... Now
by WCT, Wasting Company Time
A few years ago, when I heard about 39-year-old Tim Frisby walking on to the 2004 South Carolina Gamecocks, I scoffed. This morning, when I read about Mike Flynt of Sul Ross State University, I spit Gatorade all over my keyboard. Thats because mike Flynt is old enough to be Frisby's dad.
That's right, 59-year-old Flynt has completed a long comeback and will return to the Lobos for his senior year. 37 years after his junior year.
Earlier this month the division-III team informed Flynt that he was eligible, and had made the team. SRSU head coach Steve Wright, who incidentally is 51, still has not found a position for Flynt, who was a junior linebacker on the 1970 Lobo team before being kicked off for fighting. So I guess that means that at this point, he is just an "athlete." Coaches say that the grandfather, whose youngest will be attending the University of Tennessee this fall, can still run a 5-flat 40 and is "a physical specimen for 59."
I don't know about any of you, but at some point this fall, I will make it a point to seek out some D-III scores and recaps, just to see how the Sul Ross State Lobos, and their 59-year-old "athlete" are doing.
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Happy Birthday, Rocket
The first Apple Macintosh hits stores. Hot lesbian action photos of Vanessa Williams surface in Penthouse, forcing her to surrender her Miss America crown. Tranny hookers discover crack cocaine. The Terminator sweeps theaters.
The year was 1984 and on August 4th, William Roger Clemens' big league baseball career was born.
He went on to win seven Cy Youngs, an MVP, 2 World Series rings, a couple of pitching triple crowns, struck out 3,000 batters, earned 300 wins and even had some brats with his wife Debbie, who likes to glue plastic gems on denim crap.
We think birthdays are awesome, so we've put together an enormous gift bag for The Rocket's 45th. Since we love you, we're giving you a sneak peak...
Congratulations on being one year older, Roger!
Polident This stuff works miracles to keep your dentures white, odor-free and minty-fresh so you can flash that charming grin during every last one of your media-infested press conferences, even into the onset of dementia.
What would you like to give The Rocket for the 45th anniversary of his birth?
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