by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
Ever notice how your favorite pro football team seems to have the same weakness, year after maddening year? (This is where you nod your head vigorously. Good theoretical audience.) Well, here's a list of the Heels of Achilles. Enjoy, or wince, or both.
10. Chicago Bears Quarterback. When your best is a guy that played during the freaking Depression (Sid Luckman), and you have glorious memories of a limited game manager (Jim McMahon)... um, the franchise history really, really sucks. Don't hate on Orton and Sexy Rexy; they are just keeping up tradition.
9. Philadelphia Eagles Linebacker. For most Eagles fans, the last one we liked was Seth Joyner. (OK, William Thomas had his moments, but not like the Linebacker From A Town Called Hate.) Seth stopped playing ball for the home team, um, fifteen years ago. Thomas's last year in Eagle green was in the last millennium. We will now stop to remember the Dhani Jones Era, and kick a wall. Hard.
8. Detroit Lions Quarterback. Here's the funniest and best thing you will ever need to know about the Lions... remember Scott Mitchell? Breathtakingly awful big lefty QB who signed a big contract as Dan Marino's understudy, and stunk to nearly Bobby Hoying-esque levels? Well, he's in something called the Lions Legends, who, according to the Lions, "created special moments and added to the lore of football in the Motor City." Would those special moments include losing the job to the immortal Dave Krieg and Charlie Batch, or the 65 career INTs in 57 starts? Only in Detroit does one decent year make you a Legend.
Oh, and the rest of the Lions QBs since Bobby Layne have also stunk on ice. When your best is Rodney Peete and Jon Kitna, you are not exactly covering yourself in glory.
7. Rams Defensive Back. Going back to the start of the franchise, the Rams have been in operation in the NFL since 1936. They've had Hall of Famers all over the place, a defensive line for the ages in the early 1970s, and a pinball offense in the early part of this century. But what they've never had is a defensive back that's been a real keeper, unless Adam Archuleta is your idea of quality. Take heart, Rams Fan -- it's tradition to follow the opposing WR into the end zone.
Oh, they did have Dick "Night Train" Lane, a legendary hitter and Hall of Famer, at the start of his career, when he set a rookie record with 14 picks. They traded him to the Lions. I'm telling you, bad DB decisions is in the DNA for this laundry.
6. Saints Tight End. Let's just say that Jeremy Shockey is going to enjoy the competition, when walking wounded Eric Johnson and vagabond Billy Miller count as some of the more notable in the position's history. The best in franchise history is probably Mike Ditka, which doesn't much count, seeing as he only coached them. After that, you've got something called Henry Childs and the very best Hoby (Brenner) ever to play in the NFL. They should just put Shockey in the Saints Hall of Fame in his first game and make him feel more at home.
5. Eagles Coach. One of the great secrets of the Philly market is that the great majority of us are happy with Andy Reid, and the simple reason is that they rank very highly in our history. When your history includes Rich Kotite, Mike McCormick, Marion Campbell, Joe Kuharich and a confederacy of dunces that stagger the imagination, suddenly a guy with a .611 winning percentage looks damned good -- even if his kids are wanted in three states. Seriously, in 75 years, it's Greasey Neale, Dick Vermeil and Cap'n Andy. Not exactly a torrent of glory.
4. Cardinals Owner. How much has The Bidwell Family (yes, it's been handed down from father to son) screwed this franchise? Enough so that the gods of football karma have seen fit to stone them through three cities, innumerable quarterbacks, coaches and general managers, and a solid decade of The Cardinals Could Surprise This Year preview stories that never come to fruition. When your franchise's crowning moment of glory is a first round playoff win that starred Jake Plummer, it goes behind a particular position or draft approach. This fish rots from the head down, and in Bidwell's 45 (!) years as the owner, they have had four (yes, four) playoff appearances in that time. This is the oldest professional football team in North America, and they have not appeared in so much as a conference championship game since World War Two. Swish that around your mouth for a while and see how that tastes; it tastes like the reason why Cardinals Fan is among the rarest fan in the NFL.
3. Bengals Management. Mike Brown's legacy is nearly Bidwell-esque in its incompetence, but with the added flavor of constant arrests adding to the futility. For a team that's supposed to be led by a defensive mastermind in Marvin Lewis, and by Family Values types in top management, there's something mighty fishy going on in Porkopolis... and on some level, it's nice to know they can lose with reprobates as easily as they lost with clean cut citizens.
2. Buffalo Kicker. Is this an unfair ranking for one wide kick? No. If Scott Norwood's kick is true, Buffalo would have won its first trip to the Super Bowl, and would have made future embarrassments in the big game much less likely. They would have also spared the nation the next fifteen years of abject Bill Parcells worship, as he would have been a Billickian one-time winner, rather than a multiple unquestioned genius. Such is the power of the curse of Buffalo Kicker that the team has not won since, and that the best player in their history became a multiple murderer. Allegedly. (Ignore the fact that they didn't win before, please.)
1. Jets QB. Oh, am I going there, you Namath worshipers? Hell and yes. When your absolute best is Chad Pennington and Boomer Esiason, and your absolute worst is among the worst things that have ever sullied an NFL field... and oh, by the way, Namath may be the most overrated quarterback in NFL history when you look at the numbers... well, let's just say that Brett Favre's future flameout will be right in tune with the rest of your sorry legacy. Good night, and good luck.
MORE FOOTBALL STORIES YOU'LL ENJOY:
LT trains with Kimbo
Why the Cardinals chose Warner over Leinart
ESPN Is Sticking With Kurt Warner
Ranking The 32 Starting NFL Quarterbacks
Ricky Manning may be on the Browns free agent radar
Lou Holtz is The Homer
SEC, bitches!
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
TOP 10 CURSED PRO FOOTBALL POSITIONS
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
MANUFACTURED JOY - ST. LOUIS RAMS
by Zac, Throwing Into Traffic
Manufactured Joy is a new series in which we'll be going through the NFL team by team, from the bottom to the top, and giving fans five good reasons why they should be excited to watch their team in action this season. Today, the St. Louis Rams.
1. Chris Long probably grew up watching football!
First, the good news: Chris Long is not going to be an embarrassment at DE, particularly when he’s on a line that has enough talent to force offensive lines to be honest with their assignments. In his time at Virginia, Long showed that in addition to being a physical talent, (the fact that he’s not being talked about as a physical freak with his combine numbers is the NFL’s version of reverse racism), he plays with excellent technique, often beating offensive linemen by making the right move instead of just the fast one.
The bad news is that you could have said the same things about DT Glenn Dorsey, except Dorsey is without a doubt a superior physical specimen and plays a position that Albert Haynesworth proved is one that changes games. Long may be good, but if Dorsey does what everyone things he’s capable of doing in the next few years, the Rams will have paid a hefty price to get discounts at Radio Shack.
2. They’re using EXTRA duct tape to hold the players together!
Every NFL team has to deal with injuries, so generally they make poor excuses when performance falters, but come on. Marc Bulger, Steven Jackson, AND Orlando Pace? Throw in nagging knee problems for Torry Holt, and you can honestly say that this team didn’t give a fair showing of Gus Frerotte’s talents (there might not be a more damning critique than that in the history of the written word). I mentioned this in a discussion of the NFC west, but the same offense that was 24th in the league last season was 6th the year before with everybody healthy. The question, of course, is just how many of the injury problems that plagued the Rams last season were attributable to bad luck, and how many are the result of a team that was already older than dirt becoming older than whatever gave birth to dirt. Still, barring similarly horrendous luck, there’s almost no way this team can struggle offensively like it did last year.
3. Opponents can’t possibly score as much as they did last year!
The other problem with the injury excuse, of course, is that no amount of injuries short of a team bus crash resulting in a “fans play!” stadium promotion should result in a team going 3-13; there has to be a bigger problem. The bigger problem for the Rams is pretty simple: There’s a revolving door to their end zone. Only perennial defensive powerhouse the Detroit Lions (whose best hope of outscoring opponents is to time it so they get the last touchdown in a shootout) allowed more points per game. Considering that there wasn’t a grave imbalance in their 21st overall ranked defense, the issue looks like one that needs to be solved in the red zone, and thankfully the Rams are one of the teams with a head start on the Giants-inspired defensive line model for creating contenders. With Leonard Little, Adam Carriker, and rookie Chris Long all harassing backfields, you have to assume that teams will have a harder time executing plays within scoring range, which should help in what could be a rapid turnaround for the Rams.
4. DONNIE AVERY = THE NEW STEVE SMITH!
I’m feeling a bit prophetic this week, so here’s my big one for this season that you will all remember I fit into a little bullet point on the Rams: Donnie Avery is going to be a stud. I get that he’s not as big as the WR prospects that were expected to go before him, and believe me, I’m a fan of big receivers. The difference with Avery is that he has the kind of acceleration that turns his top end speed into the kind of legitimate weapon that makes Steve Smith, who is shorter, more dangerous than almost any other receiver. Look at the clips; Avery is consistently behind his man or WELL ahead of him in a cut. Is some of that due to the level of competition? Probably, but you have to like the chances of anyone who can go from zero to full speed that fast.
5. ANYBODY can win the NFC West!
I discussed this in a much-maligned post over at TiT, but the one thing that stands out about the NFC west is that for the last three years, it’s been hard to pick a “favorite” out of the bunch, and this year the playing field seems to have gotten even more level. Will the Seahawks bring a tougher defense than every other team? Probably, but that offense is going to slow down, and it’s hard not to like the Rams in a shootout with most opponents. Considering that most of the division gets beat up by outsiders, it’s going to come down to who can edge out the best record in divisional games, and the Rams have the kind of offense that provides matchup nightmares and a defense that may have improved quite a bit from last year…meaning that when the dust settles, this team could limp out on top.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
OPTIMIST/PESSIMIST - THE NFC WEST DRAFT CLASS
By Zac, Throwing Into Traffic
In the weeks since the NFL Draft, OPTIMIST/PESSIMIST has been analyzing the draft classes by division both here and at Throwing Into Traffic. Today, we finish off our analysis with the NFC West.
Seattle Seahawks
Optimist:
There’s something about USC players that makes me take them completely for granted, but DE Lawrence Jackson is one of the names I actually knew from that team coming into this draft. While not overly fast, Jackson has solid quickness, and a long build that makes him trouble once he gets past his initial matchup, and considering he’ll be lining up with Patrick Kerney, it’s doubtful teams will be able to devote multiple blockers to stopping him. Considering that he may be a special pass rushing compliment to Kerney, if both he and physically dominant but raw DT Red Bryant can develop into their natural ability, Seattle’s mediocre pass defense (19th in the league) could see drastic improvements thanks to the front four.
Pessimist:
It’s almost like this team is TRYING to make me not care about them. Here’s the drat lineup for the Seahawks: 2 D-linemen, a tight end, a fullback, a throwaway running back, a kicker, and a LONG SNAPPER. Who the hell drafts a long snapper? Oh, I forgot, this team totally doesn’t need a WR like Adrian Arrington; the rapidly decaying Bobby Engram is all the number two option you need, and Deion Branch isn’t the worst WR signing of the last five years. Keep doing what you’re doing, Seattle, because you’re at your best when absolutely nobody even remembers you have a team.
Arizona Cardinals:
Optimist:
Nobody will accuse the Cardinals of playing it safe this year. With their first pick, the team took the biggest risk of the draft with CB Dominique Rodgers Cromartie, the workout wonder who played FCS ball and happens to share a last name with the guy who revolutionized the interception last year. Then, rather than taking one of several bland running backs available (Ray Rice has the juice, but lacks the size to contribute in a big way in the NFL), Arizona went for DE Calias Campbell, who is coming off of a mediocre senior year but is still massive for his position (6’7”, 290 lbs) and can wreak havoc on offensive linemen when he finds his groove. And as risky as both of those moves are, they were probably the right calls. Arizona had the 5th worst pass defense in the league last year, and if even one of these two can live up to their potential, that statistic should immediately improve. Throw in stocky WR Early Doucet as a slot man in the Wes Welker mold and things could be looking up in the desert.
Pessimist:
Ok…maybe the position is cursed (Lord knows if Edgerrin James and Emmitt Smith couldn’t make it work, maybe nobody can), but would it have been crazy for a team with the fourth worst running offense in the league to take a running back higher than the 5th round (Timothy Hightower seems like a nice guy, but a 4.6 40 isn’t cutting it in the pros)? Also, not to make anybody panic, because I love watching Matt Leinart get smashed in the backfield thanks to his cement feet as much as anybody (Drew Bledsoe v.2.0!!!), but maybe one of the many signal callers who dropped from the sky would have made a fun project? Again, I love the risks that this team took on day one, but I think that some more chances early on at positions of need on day two would have made things much more interesting.
San Francisco 49ers:
Optimist:
I love the moves this team made in the trenches. Even if Kentwan Balmer turns out to have been a flash in the pan thanks to a weak ACC (and bear in mind that he could easily be just as special as his physicality and stellar final season indicate), OG Chilo Rachal is versatile enough to play either guard or right tackle (a must have for an O-lineman on this team), and OC Cody Wallace did solid work at the college level, and could develop into a solid pro. Considering how badly things went for this team last year, the right move was to make low risk, high reward picks in the interest of making life easier for Alex Smith, and all three of those picks should help reduce pressure on Smith (or whoever winds up under center) next year.
Pessimist:
You know what else would reduce pressure on Alex Smith? Picking up a WR who can actually catch the ball. If Arnaz Battle, Bryant Johnson, and Ashley Lelie haven’t made it yet, they’re not going to now. Isaac Bruce is now the ghost of WR past. At this point, I’m past harping on all the WR prospects that slipped, but here was a team that could have sent a message that it wasn’t ready to quit on its QB just yet. Instead, this all feels like preparation for the installation of a new, untested signal caller, which is a shame, because Smith can still do something for a team creative enough to use his intelligence.
St. Louis Rams:
Optimist:
DE Chris Long is going to be a very good pro lineman, and turns the Rams defensive front four into the stuff of offensive nightmares. WR Donnie Avery is a burner who can turn his top end speed on in the blink of an eye, which could mean that his lack of ideal size won’t be a dealbreaker at the next level, particularly considering his sizeable body of work in college. Throw in a couple of offensive linemen who the team took flyers on in the later rounds, and it was a productive draft for a team that was nowhere near as bad as its terrible start last year would indicate.
Pessimist:
DE Chris Long is not DT Glenn Dorsey, plain and simple. Long is going to be very good; Dorsey could be the type of Albert Haynesworth defensive lineman that accounts for 2-3 wins in a season on his own. It’s the NFL, Rams GM Jay Zygmunt, you’re gonna have to get over that fear of big black guys in the locker room. Equally troubling is the decision to go with Avery over WRs Limas Sweed, Malcom Kelly, or Devin Thoman, all of whom have better size for the position, and lose very little in terms of speed (although again, Avery’s ability to hit high gears immediately can change offensive plays). I like big, splashy moves, but the road back to legitimacy is paved with unsexiness, and you have to get there before you can justify taking the kinds of chances the Rams did here.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
SPYGATE: THE SEQUEL
by Sooze, Babes Love Baseball
After spankin' new allegations Saturday made public by the Boston Herald (citing an anonymous source) that a member of the New England Patriots' video staff recorded the St. Louis Rams' last walkthrough prior to the 2002 Super Bowl -- you know, the one the Pats won despite heavy favoritism for a Rams victory -- we all may rest assured as the team has issued a formal denial.
The anonymous source, who claimed to be close to the team that season, said that after the Patriots took a pre-game photo, a ninja-like member of their video department lurked in the shadows of the Superdome, hanging around long enough to tape the Rams' session. This camera guy then allegedly showed it to the Pats coaching staff in an attempt to give them a much-needed edge for the win.
Of course, the NFL "looked into it" and came to the conclusion that since there is no proof of any kind of video-related shenanigans, it never happened. Commissioner Roger Goodell, or just "Rog" as I like to call him, says there was "no indication that it benefited [New England] in any of the Super Bowl victories." A Patriots spokesperson released this persuasive statement:
"The suggestion that the New England Patriots recorded the St. Louis Rams' walkthrough on the day before Super Bowl XXXVI is absolutely false. Any suggestion to the contrary is untrue."
Well, there you have it. No one was spying on anyone. The end.
Now enjoy this sweet tune in celebration of Groundhog Day.
Friday, October 26, 2007
THE MAIN ATTRACTION: THE NIGHTMARE WAY BEFORE CHRISTMAS AND OTHER NFL MIDWAY MOVIES
by Adam Best, Arrowhead Addict
NFL Films' latest production -- The Nightmare Way Before Christmas, starring the miserable Miami Dolphins and the sorry St. Louis Rams -- has finally arrived! And the reviews are in...
"The Dolphins qualify as the most woeful and embarrassing product exported from South Florida since rapper Vanilla Ice." - Charles Elmore, Palm Beach PostHas this season truly been that bad for both the Dolphins and Rams?
"Suicide doesn't come with a bucket of popcorn and a large soda, but at least it would be quicker." - Anonymous St. Louis Rams fan
"It’s just such a numb feeling. You sit here, you look for the little bright spots to hold on to but every day seems to bring a new low." - Davey, Phin Phanatic
"No wonder TJ Maxx has tons of Rams merchandise mired on the shelves... Marc Bulger jerseys will start turning up in refugee camps around the world as unwanted Rams-branded clothing fills the bins behind Metro area Salvation Army offices." - VanRam, Turf Show Times
"Chris Chambers was the lucky one. I'd take a trade to Abu Ghraib at this point." - Miami Dolphins star defensive end Jason Taylor
"The Greatest Show on Turf has become the Greatest No-Show." - Jim Thomas, The St. Louis Post-Dispatch
"What can I say? What the hell can I say?" - Matty I, The Phinsider
"Yesterday, it was reported that my St. Louis Rams requested the use of the mercy rule!" - Mack Rosenberg, Ramblin' Fan
"Can we exchange the Dolphins? We'll take anybody. We'll take the Bills, the Falcons, the Jets... no, not the Rams. But anybody else. Please. Bloody anybody. We send you Beckham and this is how you repay us?" - UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown
No -- it's been worse.
Unfortunately, unlike the Tim Burton flick of the same name, there are no happy endings in this story. There is no such thing as Christmas Town for either of these pathetic teams. They can play Halloween and try to dress up as somebody else as much as they want. In the end they'll still be the Dolphins and Rams -- the worst two teams in the NFL.
Matter of fact, these are the worst two teams the NFL has seen in a long, long time. Two terrible teams streaking towards 0-16 faster than Roger Goodell can slap a suspension on somebody's ass. And they don't play each other either, so there's that out. Honestly, these teams will need to get Powerball lucky just to go 1-15 or 2-14. 3-13? A full-fledged Beatles reunion tour is more likely.
While I could sit here and play doctor and diagnose what is wrong with each team, I won't. Hey, some of us just aren't cut out to treat the terminally ill. Instead, I'm going to sum up all the other NFL teams' seasons through the midway point (we're essentially there, folks) with a movie:
The Other NFL Midway-Point Movies:
1408 (New Orleans Saints) - This is not what the Saints thought they signed up for. Just how nobody returns from the hotel room 1408, no team will return from 0-4, 1-4 or even 2-4 to win the '08 Super Bowl. Certainly not this team, anyway.
The Big Sleep (Seattle Seahawks) - Like the Bogie and Bacall flick, the Seahawks have plenty of stars. The difference is Bogie's private eye character gets paid and delivers. Shaun Alexander? Not so much. His career nodded off a while ago. Now he's rushing for 47 yards against the Rams, destroying fantasy teams everywhere and doing commercials with Joey Fatone. Sleep? I meant hibernation.The Color Purple (Minnesota Vikings) - The Vikes' passing game looks so bad, you'd think that Whoopi Goldberg was the one taking snaps. Actually, I'm pretty sure Whoopi could do a better job under center than current quarterback Tarvaris Jackson. Plus, the dreds are en vogue right now, yo. Anyway, at least they've got Purple Hov to fall back on.
Cujo (Atlanta Falcons) - For a team that harbored dogfighting king Michael Vick (c'mon, you know they knew... you don't give a guy a bajillion dollars without knowing all his dirty little secrets), it's pretty ironic that the season is coming back to bite them in the ass. Unlike the movie, the dogs are going to get the last laugh here. (By the way, how weird is it that the lead male character in Cujo is named Vic?)
Das Boot (Denver Broncos) - There's no denying that without Jason Elam's boot the Broncos' ship would've sunk a long time ago. How many last-second game-winning field goals does this dude have in him? As someone who hates the Donks way more than any other team, it's getting real annoying. Real annoying. From their POV, though, 3-3 is a completely different ball game than 0-6. They're still right in the AFC West hunt.
Dazed and Confused (Philadelphia Eagles) - "Weren't we supposed to be Super Bowl contenders?" "I thought Donovan McNabb was back?" "Was that Osi Umenyiora or Lawrence Taylor that just sacked McNabb again?" Plus, this works for Andy Reid's kids, too. Yes, I went there.
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (Kansas City Chiefs) - The Chiefs must have their collective memory wiped after each game. Any team that can get smeared by the Houston Texans and then go to San Diego and blow out the Chargers is schizo. Then again, it could have just been the return of Jared Allen. But he's kind of schizo himself. Weird.
Fargo (San Diego Chargers) - Coming into the season, it seemed like the Chargers were set. Like Bill Macy in Fargo, though, it appears that a good set up isn't good enough for Norv Turner. Will it be the Broncos or the Chiefs that play homely underdog Frances McDormand and take him down in the AFC West?
Fight Club (New York Giants) - I know, I know. Comparing Eli Manning to Tyler Durden is a ginormous stretch. But ignore that and think of this quote of Tyler's: "Only after disaster can we be resurrected." The 0-2-and-left-for-dead Giants were done. They were beaten, bloodied and fighting amongst themselves. That's when this club found its fight. Sure, eventually it will all blow up, but the G-Men will take plenty of other teams down with them before then.Finding Neverland (Arizona Cardinals) - Neverland was a figment of the imagination in this movie, a fantasy land where boys could escape the troubles of their days. For the Cardinals, Neverland is the postseason. And while daydreaming of the postseason sure is fun, they just can't imagine the playoffs into reality. Especially this year -- Kurt Warner used up all of his Neverland tickets long ago. Am I the only one who's getting sick of this team being the trendy-sleeper-pick-that-does-nothing team every single year? Huh? We have to stop raving about the Cards until they actually do something. This needs to be a rule.
The Fisher King (Tennessee Titans) - Kudos to Titans head coach Jeff Fisher, who's survived both Pacman Jones and the Madden cover jinx (so far) to keep his team in contention. He's just so steady. On the other hand, everything about this movie was crazy. The crazy guy who killed everybody. The crazy transient bum (Robin "RV" Williams). The director (Terry Gilliam). But the movie's still damn good. I guess that's the point; Consistently in the mist of craziness, our guy Fish always pulls through.
Groundhog Day (Jacksonville Jaguars) - No matter how good the Jags think they are, each season they wake up and realize that they aren't in the same class as the Colts. The defense might be Bill Murrayesque, but the passing game reeks worse than Andie MacDowell's acting. Passing attack? You ain't got any! Am I right, or am I right, or am I right?
Grumpy Old Men (Washington Redskins) - Joe Gibbs and the rest of that geriatric, senile outfit he calls a coaching staff aren't what they once were. Defensively the 'Skins are fantastic, but these old timers just don't have enough left at this point to help the pedestrian offense put points on the board. Especially with Santana Moss on the back of a milk carton. Carlos Santana could have done what he's done at wideout over the course of the past month.
The Hustler (San Francisco 49ers) - You know who I'm sick of? Mike Nolan, that's who. He walks around wearing his suits, talking about his old man's legacy, the Niners' legacy, the legacy of my balls... shut up and coach. This is your third year and you haven't accomplished jack. And it's not like the front office didn't spend a trillion dollars this offseason. F*** the suit. Without his leadership skills, Napoleon was just another ass clown in a stupid costume. I really think Nolan should get fired. Can't you tell?
The Illusionist (Detroit Lions) - The Lions would probably prefer to be The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe, a fantasy movie in which a Lion is the most powerful of all creatures. Unfortunately for them, this isn't fantasy. The greatest trick of the NFL season so far has been that the 4-2 Lions have actually convinced a few people that they're for real. Matt Millen, you almost had us. Almost. We were distracted by Jon Kitna and his miracles.
Kill Bill Vol. 2 (Indianapolis Colts) - The Colts took out Bill Belichick's crew last year on the way to a Super Bowl. This year killing Bill will be much, much harder. Peyton better get his Uma on and learn how to throw out of a coffin, because he might find himself buried in one come week 9, and again in the playoffs.Lethal Weapon 4,000 (Green Bay Packers) - Brett Favre and Donald Driver's old asses are doing a pretty damn good impersonation of the Mel Gibson-Danny Glover duo. Wildman Brett's soaking up the pub, while Double D is just happy to still be enjoying the ride. Like one of the Weapon installments, however, the sh**ter is going to blow at some point. When it does, it won't be pretty. Hey, that's what happens when you have absolutely no running game.
The Lost Weekend (Dallas Cowboys) - Everyone in Big D has somehow already forgotten about The Duel in Dallas. If I were the Cowboys, I'd need a four-day bender like the one Don goes on in the movie to forget that ass beating. If the 'Boys do actually manage to move on from that traumatic experience, they may meet the Patriots again next February. Yep. The NFC is that weak.
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (Chicago Bears) - Has Lovie Smith been pulling an R.P. McMurphy, or is he actually certifiably nuts? Not only did he possibly cost himself a Super Bowl by sticking with the Sex Cannon last year, he damn near put his job in jeopardy by rolling with him again early on this season. How in the hell did he not think Brian Griese was a better quarterback for this Bears team? Or for any team, for that matter? I seriously thought Rex blackmailed Lovie with incriminating sexual pictures of him and a cage full of baboons. That was the only way I could make sense of it.
Out of the Past (Tampa Bay Buccaneers) - Damn. I love this noir joint, but I just realized how old it is. Kirk Douglas starred in this one -- when he was about half as old as Michael! But that's the story in Tampa right now. Chucky inexplicably brings QB Jeff Garcia back from the dead, who in turn brings the Bucs back from the dead. It's been a nice story, but this pirate ship has already seen most of the booty it will this season. (Because I have to ask, isn't Earnest Graham the whitest name ever? Even names like Barrett Ruud and Mike Alstott are more "hood" than Earnest Graham.)
Patriot Games (New England Patriots) - This latest Pats squad isn't playing around. Not only are they not playing, they are sniping out the opposition with proficiency typically reserved for Tom Clancy novels. Actually, Jack Ryan ain't got sh** on Tom Brady. Affleck, Baldwin and Ford could all hit the town together and still not pull as much wool as The Cleft Chin. I just don't see anything that can stop them right now. I'm not even sure a mash-up of the Colts' "O" and the Redskins' "D" could get the job done. I'm serious.
Pure Luck (Buffalo Bills) - Jesus, did this movie blow. So do the Bills. All I remember about this flick was Martin Short's face blowing up until it was Mark Mangino sized after he got stung by a bee. Judging by Kevin Everett's unfortunate accident, the Paul Pos-pos-what-the-hell-ever's injury and that wacky Monday Night Football game, the Bills luck is every bit as bad. Given their recent cost-cutting ways, don't expect their bad luck to change any time relatively soon. Oh, and is this really the team we want to encourage Canada to root for? Just a question.
Rambo (New York Jets) - Like the upcoming Stallone flick, we can already tell that the Jets are a complete and utter disaster. In fact, it's hard to even keep a straight face when discussing either the J-E-T-S or Sly these days. We won't truly be able to judge either product until January '08, but I'm betting big that we end up with two monumental flops.Rear Window (Pittsburgh Steelers) - As good as the Stillers and their fans think they are, the team's best years are behind them. The Colts and the Pats wouldn't have dropped games to the Broncos and Cards. On a positive note, new head coach Mike Tomlin always looks fresh on the sidelines. My prescription: Less barbershop, more game film.
Romeo Must Die (Cleveland Browns) - This one was way, way too easy. So, yeah, the Browns are 3-3, but they got thumped by both of the good teams they played (the Pats and Steelers), and the rest of their schedule has been cupcake city. Besides, the Browns are winning games because they have awesome offensive talent (Braylon Edwards, Kellen Winslow, etc...), not because of defense. Last time I checked, Romeo was supposed to be some kind of defensive genius, too. He won't be able to defend what he's done in Cleveland when this season's over. I know that much.
The Saw Franchise (Houston Texans) - I'm not going to screw around here. Both of these franchises -- Saw and the Texans -- have been around for a good portion of this decade. Honestly, we'd probably be better off without 'em.
Stripes (Cincinnati Bengals) - Whether you're cutting up the cute little tiger stripes on their football unis or the stripes on their prison ones, the struggling Bengals are a riot. Wait. Don't take that literally, fellas. Especially you, Chris "Slash" Henry. He's about to make a comeback, so we have to start calling this guy Slash. I mean, when have we ever seen anybody display so much versatility when it comes to getting arrested? Screw Kordell (easy, Yancey Thigpen), Chris Henry is Slash.
The Usual Suspects (Baltimore Ravens) - Yes, the Ravens added Willis "Babymaker" McGahee to the roster this offseason. All that did was offset the loss of Adalius Thomas. Maybe. The rest of this team is the exact same as last year, except older and more brittle. Even with Brian Billick calling the plays, Kyle Boeller and an ancient Steve McNair are still Kyle Boeller and an ancient Steve McNair.
Vinny and the Pussycats (Carolina Panthers) - With all apologies to both John Fox and Steve Smith, I think the Panthers are pretenders. Both of their running backs are soft, and the team's best defensive player, Julius Peppers, is already a hasbeen at the age of 27. Besides, how far can the David Carr-Vinny Testaverde tandem really take you? A 4-2 farce.
The Wizard of Oz (Oakland Raiders) - As long as that crazy old man (Al Davis) is behind the curtain -- and I don't care if he's walking around like Osama on a dialysis machine, or propped up Weekend at Bernie's style -- this franchise is doomed. They can bring in all the pretty little Dorothys they want, but it won't change a thing. I'm not wishing anything on Al except many more years of happiness, but fans of the Silver and Black should be. He's completely lost it.
Monday, October 15, 2007
THE AFTER PARTY
An interview with Barry Bonds' ex-mistress ex-girlfriend and current Playboy naked girl, Kimberly Bell. (This Suit is Not Black)
Big Ten teams as Harry Potter characters. We'd totally like to bend Michigan over the bathroom sink. (The Ghosts of Wayne Fontes)
Sports movies are becoming too predictable. They're all the same, and it needs to change. (Sons of Sam Malone)
Just when Bears fans were recovered from having to face Barry Sanders twice a year, along comes Adrian Peterson. (Chicago Bull)
Nebraska's AD is gone, Dr. Tom Osborne might replace him and Mac G's Fire Steve Pederson blog set a record. (Mac G's World)
Scott Boras represents juicers Rick Ankiel, Ivan Rodriguez, and Scott Schoeneweis. GMs are now looking twice at the bloated bodies and the bloated salaries of Boras' stud stable. (Steroid Nation)
David Stern's latest, greatest creation. A white African-Canadian point guard. Steve Nash. The NBA's Tiger Woods. (Hugging Harold Reynolds)
This weekend there was a soccer goal that was so awesome it could only be equated to some wildly-awesome hypotheticals in the world's other great sports. (The Beautiful Game)
Podcasts are cool. This one covers the day games from NFL Week 6, plus the BCS standings, the MLB playoffs, and Kelvin Sampson. (The Meaningful Collateral)
Those in Cleveland and St. Louis better not get their hopes up for HD coverage in week eight. (First and 10 Inches)
Century 21 gave away houses at the Home Run Derby to people who, presumably, did not need a house. State Farm could do them one better by giving houses to people who actually need them. (Crashburn Alley)
The Ben-gals cheerleader calendar has dropped. Happy 2008 to me! (Bengals.com)
TOP 10 REASONS THE RAMS WILL GO WINLESS
by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
6 down, 10 to go. Can the Rams achieve perfection? All signs point to... YES.
10. Their last ten games are at Seattle, Cleveland, at New Orleans, at San Fran, Seattle, Atlanta, at Cincy, Green Bay, Pittsburgh and at Arizona. Right now, it's hard to imagine they will be favored in any of those games.
9. Coach Scott Linehan has taken over the play-calling. In general, having a zombie do this doesn't work out. (Witness the 2006 Raiders.)
8. Today's starting quarterback, Gus Frerotte, threw five interceptions and also had a fumble. The usual starter, Marc Bulger, has destroyed fantasy football teams from coast to coast, and has more broken ribs than touchdowns.
7. Since the team no longer employs Kurt Warner, and failed to secure Jon Kitna in free agency, God has clearly forsaken them.
6. St. Louis owner Georgia Frontiere took ownership of the team after the mysterious drowning death of her husband, then ousted her stepson from the organization. She also moved the team from Los Angeles for corporate welfare from the city of St. Louis. Regardless of the team's recent Super Bowl win, you don't recover from karma like that.
5. The Rams have the only white starting back in the NFL, Brian Leonard, who gashed the Ravens today for 18 yards on 12 carries, with a long of 4. He's now splitting carries with Travis Minor. No, seriously.
4. The team's old nickname, the Greatest Show on Turf, has been officially designated as insulting to astroturf.
3. Both starting tackles, Todd Steussie and Orlando Pace, are on the IR. They are joined on the sideline by the starting QB (Bulger), RB (Stephen Jackson), 2nd WR (Issac Bruce), 3rd WR (Dante Hall)... and the list just goes on.
2. An anonymous Rams player was quoted this week as being worried about going winless. You think that maybe this doesn't bode well for the old confidence level, that with 10 games left to play, even the players are starting to wonder about going winless?
1. They'll be officially eliminated from playoff contention before Halloween. If this is the level of effort while they are still "alive", what happens when they no longer have anything to play for?
Sunday, October 14, 2007
WHO WINS FIRST? THE DOLPHINS, SAINTS OR RAMS?
by Kyle Smith, Doberman On The Diamond
The St. Louis Rams lost 34-31 to the Arizona Cardinals Sunday, and their record now stands at 0-5. They are one of three NFL teams yet to achieve a victory, along with the Miami Dolphins and New Orleans Saints.
The team is full of injured players. QB Marc Bulger, WR Isaac Bruce, RB Steven Jackson, SS Corey Chavous and CB Tye Hill - all starters - were out against the Cardinals. Not to mention two starters on the offensive line, OG Mark Setterstrom and OT Orlando Pace, are gone for the season.
Here's how St. Louis Post-Dispatch columnist Bernie Miklasz put it in his column:
"At some point, you just run out of things to say. Oh, I suppose I can work up a lather and fake some outrage and rip coach Scott Linehan and the Rams again. But near the end of the team's 34-31 loss to Arizona on Sunday afternoon at The Ed, I turned to my buddy Bryan Burwell and confessed: I don't know what to write about this anymore. I'm low on words, short on anger. It's just a bad team."
Down in New Orleans, the Saints lost 16-13 to the Carolina Panthers in another game QB Drew Brees struggled in. New Orleans Times-Picayune writer Mike Triplett delivered his opinion about the contest:
"A year ago, these Saints were labeled a 'Team of Destiny.' Their march deep into the playoffs was as magical as it was improbable, as if their fate had been pre-determined and nothing could stand in their way.
Well, that's exactly what this season feels like. Only it's exactly the opposite."
Meanwhile, in Miami, the Dolphins lost to the Houston Texans 22-19 on a last second 57 yard field goal. Miami Herald columnist Armando Salguero said this about the team:
"Those good feelings of semi-accomplishment in that locker room are as misleading as the scent of a blooming flower in a sewer.
The Dolphins are still winless today. Only two other teams are failing as miserably as they are but those two -- the Rams and Saints -- have excuses because New Orleans is playing a first-place schedule and the entire Rams roster is seemingly on injured reserve.
The Dolphins? Cameron said they got a 'heck of an effort,' from Lemon. Lemon's passer rating was 56.2."
I'm not sure Rams and Saints fans would agree that their teams have "excuses," but the point is clear - the Dolphins are bad. But how bad? Which of these three teams is worse? Who will win a game first?
One thing is certain: either the Rams or Saints will have a victory by week 10, as the two teams play each other in New Orleans that week. Unless, of course, they tie.
For comparison, here is how the teams rank in the NFL in offense and defense:
Total Offense - Yards Per Game
19. Miami - 318.8
22. New Orleans - 307.3
27. St. Louis - 287.4
Points Per Game
18. Miami - 19.4
27. St. Louis - 14.0
29. New Orleans - 12.8
Total Defense - Yards Allowed Per Game
16. New Orleans - 327.3
24. Miami - 345.8
27. St. Louis - 356.0
Points Allowed Per Game
26. St. Louis - 27.4
28. Miami - 28.2
29. New Orleans - 29.8
So neither the Rams, Saints or Dolphins can play offense or defense. Gotcha. But what about their remaining games - do they offer any reason for optimism?
Looking at the Saints schedule and considering their talent, it seems likely the Saints would be the first of these three teams to win a game. The most likely scenario has them beating Atlanta at home in two weeks, or St. Louis at home in week 10.
The Dolphins schedule actually offers some hope. Their next game is against the Browns, they have winnable home games against the Giants and Bengals, and they still have three games against the Bills and Jets.
The Rams, on the other hand, have an extremely difficult slate of games remaining. Four of their next five are on the road, including the next two games against Baltimore and Seattle. Their schedule includes these opponents - Baltimore and Seattle (twice), San Francisco, Cincinnati, Green Bay and Pittsburgh. Their best chance for a win comes in week 8 against Cleveland or week 13 vs. Atlanta.
Three teams in a race to be less embarrassed than they were the week before .... And they're off!
(Originally published 10/8)
Monday, October 8, 2007
LOSING SUCKS - WHAT THEY'RE SAYING
by Kyle Smith, Doberman On The Diamond
Since there are only 16 games in an NFL season, people tend to take losing pretty hard. It's not much fun to get disappointed on a weekly basis - I'm a Rams fan, so I've gotten to know that feeling very well this season.
To put some of those feelings into words, let's call on some friendly neighborhood newspaper columnists to express themselves concerning the state of some of the teams who lost this weekend.
- St. Louis Rams, Bryan Burwell, St. Louis Post-Dispatch: "As the Rams continue on this cruel and inevitable march toward the pole position in the '08 NFL draft, nothing much seems to change from Sunday to Sunday. On this unsightly journey the scenery never alters. Wretched misfortune looms over the horizon, excruciating depression is gaining in their rear-view mirror, and buzzard's luck is constantly riding shotgun."
- Kansas City Chiefs, Jason Whitlock, Kansas City Star: "Jack Del Rio’s defensive staff outcoached Kansas City’s offensive staff. That fact was so obvious midway through the fourth quarter, by the time the Jags had taken a three-possession lead, the locals had had enough, emptying the 80,000-seat stadium and leaving The Punt-uda Triangle (Herm Edwards, Mike Solari and Dick Curl) to finish alone in the rain."
- Atlanta Falcons, Steve Wyche, Atlanta Journal-Constitution: "They changed the quarterback and lost anyway. They changed the quarterback, had an opponent try to hand them two scoring drives in the final minutes and still did a faceplant. They changed the quarterback and the problems didn’t go away. The problems turned into Mount Vesuvius."
- New Orleans Saints, Mike Triplett, New Orleans Times-Picayune: "Apparently the Saints had not yet hit rock bottom before Sunday's embarrassing performance, because they reached a new low in this one."
- Seattle Seahawks, Art Thiel, Seattle Post-Intelligencer: "After crushing the 49ers 23-3, the Seahawks were the crushees, 21-0. Only Marion Jones and USC kept the Seahawks from being the biggest sports frauds of the weekend."
- Detroit Lions, Mitch Albom, Detroit Free Press: "Egg, laid. Here it was Sunday, fresh from the wet hen of a Lions offense that didn't click and a Lions defense that didn't attack. No touchdowns. No sacks. No win. All feathers.
- Miami Dolphins, Armando Salguero, Miami Herald: "Amid this pleasant atmosphere the Dolphins still stink of defeat. And those good feelings of semi-accomplishment in that locker room are as misleading as the scent of a blooming flower in a sewer."
- Denver Broncos, Bernie Lincicome, Rocky Mountain News: "The Broncos must get better just to be competitive. Forget anything more, any further goals, any greater purpose than, oh, to name a couple of things, making a tackle, defending or catching a pass, holding onto the football, making a block, scoring a touchdown. Even one."
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
THE AFTER PARTY
There is no doubt that something special is brewing in Illini country. And, there is no doubt that Ron Zook may finally have found the strategy to win. (NOIS)
Baseball players know how to party, but some teams have it figured out better than others. The 2007 MLB Postseason Celebration Standings. (Flyers Fieldhouse)
Tennessee basketball coach Bruce Pearl sure does have great taste in students women ... in bikinis ... on boats ... (The Big Lead)
Blogging with sound. Episode 4 of the SPSR Sportscast is now online. It's the baseball show and they're talking. (Six Pack Sports Report)
Is it just me, or does Jack Del Rio look like Shooter McGavin of Happy Gilmore fame? Top 10 reasons the Jaguars are losers. (Arrowhead Addict)
A QB isn't often benched because the team doesn't want him to keep getting hurt as a result of his line's awfulness. The Rams are sentencing Gus Frerotte to die. (The Blog of Hilarity)
Mets fans are so despondent even there Teddy Bears are committing suicide. With video! (Home Run Derby)
Maybe next time maybe Evangeline Lilly should try wearing a wet suit. (College Humor)
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