by Rupert, Ghosts of Wayne Fontes
Royal O'Reilly Tenenbaum (1932-2001) Died Tragically Rescuing His Family From The Remains Of A Destroyed Sinking Battleship
Have you heard? The Kansas City Royals suck. Coming off a hot streak of 4 one hundred or more loss seasons in 6 years, Kansas City Royals’ fans are ready to stick a fork in this dead carcass and grill that shit up. If there’s one thing Kansas City knows it the barbecue. Unfortunately, the tailgates are growing thinner and fewer die-hard fans can stand to hang around to watch this team die. Will the Royals continue the stampede and make it another 100+ loss season or will we see a glimmer of hope in 2008? Well, we figured we’d take an inside look with one of our wildly creative approaches: the Kansas City Royals 2008 previews Royal Tenenbaums-style.
Wait a second. Listen. I'm not dying. But I need some time. A month. Maybe two.
OK, maybe it’s not quite time to declare it all a loss just yet. The Royals have been loading up on top draft picks for years (given their perpetually lousy record) and made a few decent moves in recent years. The problem with the Royals is that that don’t really have the payroll to make full-scale big moves, so they make just pretty big deals for shitty players. For example, is Jose Guillen really worth $36 million cajones over three years in right field? Maybe you should add a twelve million dollar per annum starting pitcher? In all seriousness, Guillen brings some much needed power to the lineup, so despite the crazy price tag, he is a great addition.
Other pickups include RHP Yasuhiko Yabuta, C Miguel Olivo, and RHP Brett Tomko. I wouldn’t hold my breath for any big payoffs from any of these guys. The only hope is that youngsters like Alex Gordon (3B), minor league player of the year in 2006 and Billy Butler (OF) start playing big dividends in a hurry. The Royals have some pockets of young talent; they just need some rapid developments to save this franchise from another abysmal season.
I'm very sorry for your loss. Your mother was a terribly attractive woman.
The losses in the offseason are nothing to really cry about. Reggie Sanders is older than Obi Wan Kenobe, but was a good feisty vet with leadership qualities worth his weight in dentures. A couple losses in the pitching staff will hurt, but not terribly: RHP David Riske and LHP Odalis Perez won’t really be missed too much even though they put in 70 and 130 innings respectively. Riske’s middle relief hole presents the biggest issues. Other than that, the only other losses were DH Mike Sweeney and OF Emil Brown. The addition of Guillen is an upgrade in the outfield, so they came out fine in net terms. All in all, the team looks better on paper than it did a year ago.
Why would a reviewer make the point of saying someone's *not* a genius? Do you especially think I'm *not* a genius? You didn't even have to think about it, did you?
Can Trey Hillman live up to the hype of being a baseball mastermind capable of squeezing all the life out of his lineups like the Juice Man? Hillman has never coached a Major League Baseball team, but exhibited great success in Japan and in the minor leagues for years. Joke as you may, but the Nippon Ham Fighters are a powerhouse in Japanese baseball, which is really saying a lot. He is known to be a fan of fundamentals whereby he emphatically aims to up the team’s on base percentage and make the absolute out of his baserunners.
True blue baseball fans will love watching the Royals this season, as bunts, stolen based, hit and runs, bunt and runs, and walks are all expected to be implemented graciously. This could potentially be the perfect solution to the Royals’ woes, because they can’t compete with the American League big dogs on building the best lineup, so this scrappy approach is the next best thing. Trey Hillman also released a killer Christmas album exhibiting his prowess on guitar.
I know but dammit, I want this family to love me. How much money you got?
Considering the Royals are nowhere to be seen in the high stakes plays at top free agents like Johann Santana, the pitching staff should be decent enough to keep the Royals in most games. Gil Meche showed that he is capable of a handle a lion’s sized workload, pitching over 200 innings in 2007 and finishing out the season with a 3.67 ERA. The 9-13 record leaves a little room for questioning his worth as a #1, but don’t forget this is the Royals and two of those losses came in the last two games of the season where the Royals got shelled and added nearly a point the his ERA. Plus, a 3.67 ERA is good for 15 wins on a lot of AL teams these days.
Bannister actually finished ’07 with a winning record at 12-9 with a 3.87 ERA. Bannister has nice breaking pitches, but doesn’t have a ton of mustard. He’s also a big sabremetrics fan and knows he is lucky to have good results based on his under whelming heat. Greinke is the intimidator of the pitching staff with great power and could be a great starter in the league with a little more run support. The bullpen will be solid, particularly since they were actually decent last year. Tomko and De La Rosa have to prove they are capable of some consistency, but both have a decent pitch repertoire. The 5 spot is still up for the taking as Mike Moroth and reliever John Bale have a shot at winning the job. Joakim Soria, nabbed from the Padres in the Rule 5 draft, is a trusty closer and a definite strong point for the Royals.
The crickets and the rust-beetles scuttled among the nettles of the sage thicket. "Vámonos, amigos," he whispered, and threw the busted leather flintcraw over the loose weave of the saddlecock. And they rode on in the friscalating dusklight.
What, that quote isn’t an obvious lead in to talk about the infield? Kansas City’s inflield is chock full of potential, but that’s it at this point. Alex Gordon improved exponentially in 2007, so we could be hitting the sweet spot of his career in 2008. Mark Grudzielanek at second is a trusty average-hitting veteran, .302 hitter over the past five years, who gives the Royals some experience in the infield. Tony Pena at shortstop came over from Atlanta in March and should provide little to nothing at the plate. Last season he had an OBP of .284, hit 2 home runs, and drove in 47. Apparently, he never broke out of the slump, but look out in 2008. At first, the platoon of Ryan Shealy and Ross Gload don’t have much power for first base, but Billy Butler at DH should help add some firepower to the lineup.
Let's shag ass.
When it comes to the flyball-shaggers in the outfield, everything is riding on the big Guillen gamble. Guillen is expected to be the savior to bring some firepower into the lineup given that he has hit at least 23 home runs in his last four full seasons. Joining Guillen in the grass will likely be centerfielder David DeJesus and leftfielder Mark Teahen. These are two more players who have the tools, but haven’t fully developed as of yet. DeJesus is expected to reap the benefits of Hillman’s scrappy offense as he is a speedy make-the-most-of-a-wimpy-bat leadoff kinda guy. Teahan is a crappy slugger who strikes out a lot; a Royals trademark. The outfield could use an upgrade.
I don't know, Jim. There's obviously something wrong with him. He's taken off his shoes and one of his socks and... actually, I think he's crying.
The fact of the matter remains that without a breakthrough turnaround like the Tigers pulled off two seasons ago, the Royals’ fans are gonna lose it. This level of terrible is not tolerable. I think in my days as a Detroit fan, I have renounced my fanhood on at least three occasions. I can only imagine life as a Royals fan. They haven’t had a winning season since 2003 and prior to that, we’re going back to the mid 90s. Somebody call Brett Saberhagen, get these guys some pine tar, something… It’s a matter of sanity at this point.
That's the last time you put a knife in me! Y'hear me?
If I was a betting man, which I am, I would look for Kansas City to improve, maybe winning 75 games and sneaking into a 4 place finish in the AL Central. The young prospects and Trey Hillman are the wildcards that will determine what we see in Kansas City in 2008, but don’t expect Rome. Nevertheless, they will be a better baseball team that causes some trouble for the Tigers and Indians from time to time. I would be lying if I said I don’t plan on hitting some high yielding money lines with the Royals in 2008.
Monday, March 10, 2008
2008 MLB PREVIEW: KANSAS CITY ROYALS
Friday, December 7, 2007
DEAR EXUBERANT ROYALS FANS
by Simon, SimonOnSports
Dear Exuberant Royals Fans,
Get excited for your 2008 Royals, we're going to back with a vengeance this season. And there are so many things that you as die-hard Royals fans have to look forward to this season at Kaufman Stadium.
When it comes to making free agent splashes, there is nobody quite as good as me Dayton Moore. Did you see how I swindled Jose Guillen into taking that lowball 36 million dollar contract? Or Gil Meche into being horrendously underpaid last year. If we're lucky maybe I can even get a few more studs in her for the fans, like perhaps I can bring Jeremy Affeldt back and give him 8 or 9 million a year. He loved it in KC and surely would want to come back at a discount. What about Julio Franco? He screams excitement. I bet we could steal him at 3 million a year.
Furthermore we've got a ton of young talent. We've got a Ryan Braun, and Ryan Braun won the rookie of the year last year. Aren't you excited to see him pitch this year? Alex Gordon was the #1 prospect in baseball probably not anymore, but he was, that's cool right?
If you're religious we've got a game named David Of Jesus. Well that's the english translation, but still Sunday games what's better than going to a Royals game after church.
Looking for a little nostalgia? We've got that too. Bill Buckner is on our team. So if you hate the Red Sox, and why wouldn't you, you can make fun of him all you want. We make sure we supply at least a few duds on our team
Hey we still have that cool waterfall in the outfield. You can't see that enough.
So get ready for an exciting 2008 season, where we play the new exciting Detroit Tigers a lot. And don't mind the increase in ticket prices just know that your extra dollar is contributing to every HGH injection, I mean home run that Jose Guillen hits.
Here's to 65 Wins,
Dayton Moore
Thursday, November 8, 2007
THE AFTER PARTY
Breaking down the seven teams with a legitimate shot at taking down the BCS National Title. (The Grand National Championships)
Something needs to be done to stop Boston. Something drastic. Something... heroic. (Five Tool Tool)
Joe Theismann, we agree with you, but you're turning into that annoying, depressed, dumped guy. (Awful Announcing)
The official game of Epic Carnival: Bar Golf. (CO-ED Magazine)
The tight end for the University of Ohio gave a shout-out to a message board during last night's game. (Sportable)
Not exactly the Sexy Football the LA Galaxy had in mind. (The Offside)
Own Manny Ramirez's ride! (Red Sox Monster)
The Royals show why they have a losing franchise: they're considering signing Jose Guillen. (Steroid Nation)
Beyonce has her ass under control. (Egotastic)
Monday, October 22, 2007
THE MIDWAY: ROYALS ON 'ROIDS?, MICHAEL BENNETT & THE NHL
Is Chris Mihlfeld, once the Royals trainer, a source of MLB HGH/'roids? Names to keep in mind: Paul Byrd, Mike Sweeney, Jason Grimsley. (Steroid Nation)
Michael Bennett hasn’t even been in Tampa Bay for half a week, yet the Bucs' new running back is already a walking sound bite. (Pewter Plank)
The NHL played some games last week. No, really, they did. Seriously, they did! Here's proof. (Pop Jocks)
Saturday, July 28, 2007
You'll Shoot Your Eye Out!
by Sooze, Babes Love Baseball
Kansas City Royals outfielder/dead eye Emil Brown did what every big leaguer has always wanted to do during pregame interviews filled with stupid questions: hurt the reporters.
"It's every man for himself up in here," Brown said. "That's how it is in the clubhouse. Dodging bullets and shit, you never know what's gonna poke you in the eye."Brown nearly shot sports reporter Karen Kornacki's eye out with a pellet from a small plastic gun in the KC clubhouse Friday afternoon while she was interviewing shortstop Tony Pena, Jr.
She screamed like a girl and fled the stadium immediately.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Honoring Pro Sports Infamy Via Tees
by Adam Best, Pacman Jonesin'
The Kansas City Royals are hosting "George Brett Powder Blue Pine Tar T-Shirt Night" tonight for the team's game against the New York Yankees. For those of you who aren't familiar with the legendary "pine tar incident," here's a summary from Wikipedia:
"On July 24, 1983, the Royals were playing the Yankees at Yankee Stadium. In the top of the ninth inning, Brett came up to bat against Goose Gossage, his old rival. Brett hit a two-run homer, to put the Royals up 5-4. After Brett rounded the bases, Yankees manager Billy Martin calmly walked out of the dugout and used home plate to measure the amount of pine tar, a legal substance used by hitters to improve their grip, on Brett's bat. Martin cited an obscure rule that stated the pine tar on a bat could extend no further than 18 inches. Brett's pine tar extended about 24 inches. Earlier in the season, the Yankees had noted Brett's habit of adding pine tar further than the allowed 18 inches, but waited until a crucial time to point it out to the umpires.At the time I was a five-year-old Royals fan, so I really don't even actually remember the incident. Of course, I've become more than familiar with the incident over the years after watching the footage of what transpired roughly about as many times as I've heard Barry Bonds' name uttered on SportsCenter.
"I've never seen this," said sportscaster and ex-Yankee Bobby Murcer on WPIX as he watched McClelland measure the bat across the plate. "I never have either," said Murcer's partner, Frank Messer. A few moments later, the home plate umpire, Tim McClelland, signaled Brett out.
The normally mild-mannered Brett charged out of the dugout, enraged, and was immediately ejected. An incredulous Messer:
"Look at this!...He is out, and having to be forcibly restrained from hitting plate umpire Tim McClelland. And the Yankees have won the ball game 4 to 3!"
Anyway, this got me thinking -- what if other pro sports teams stopped taking their history so seriously? While it's too soon for home teams to poke fun at Bonds or dog Ookie, I think looking further back could be, dare I say, healthy.
Los Angeles Lakers - "A.C. Stands For 'Abstinence Committed' Night"Steve Carroll taught us all that there is nothing funnier than a 40-year-old virgin, especially when he's a pro athlete who chose that path. This shirt would take some heat off of Kobe, Kupchak and Phil, and remind Lake Show fans of much happier days.
Tennessee Titans - "Alfred Haynesworth Presents Curb-Bite Night"Nothing will make the Music City fans forget about Pacman Jones quicker than the fond recollections of Haynesworth trying to stomp an opponent to death with his cleat. A sure-fire hit down in Nashville.
Seattle Sonics - "Shawn Kemp's SuperSonic Father's Day"Now that Kevin Durant is a Sonic, Seattlites can enjoy a good chuckle at the Jet City's most infamous father's expense. Kemp taught us all that becoming a father is such a beautiful experience, you'll want to do it over and over, and not necessarily with the same women either. Word.
Green Bay Packers - "Mark Chmura's Hot Tub Appreciation Day"An immortal quote from none other than Matthew McConaughey (as Wooderson, Dazed and Confused), best captures the spirit of this day:
"That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age."This shirt is sure to have everybody up at Lambeau leapin'.
Now it's time for you to chime in with your best T-shirt-giveaway day ideas...
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